Life Goes on...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Life Goes on...
I married a dry alcoholic who had been sober 15 years. It was a second marriage for me...and at the time he was at the top of his career, a very nice man and it was a comfortable, seemingly easy relationship.
After a few years he began to struggle....agitated, started complaining that driving to work (10 miles) was too much for him, felt stressed ect. I didn't understand where all this was coming from. Then, he was diagnosed with a necrotic femur and needed to have a hip replacement. I went with him to the surgeon and we had a very candid discussion about pain management after surgery, given his addiction. The surgeon patten me on the head (metaphorically) and said they would "watch him"
He left the recovery room on Vicodin, and the end of life as we knew it had begun. He moved to the other bedroom so he could "sleep better"..then after two episodes of overdosing on over the counter antihistimines, I told the ER physician I wouldn't take him home..they had to admit him somewhere to get help.
He was admitted to a 30 day intensive mental health program, then released to the care of a psychiatric nurse practioner who proceeded to give him several other psychotropic drugs for "anxiety disorder".
The night I discovered the alcohol he revealed at least 6 fifths in his room. I gave him one week to determine his path to recovery. He instead called me from work, said he wasn't ready to recover and wanted a divorce.
So after a hellish, one year and $30,000 divorce, we divorced. Al Anon and SR kept me sane. In short order he lost his job, his home, all his friends and life as he knew it. Six months later, close to death, and fully dually addicted, he checked himself into detox and rehab, but barely lived through it. I saw him one time near the end of his rehab time...and he shared some of his experience but seemingly oblivious that he blew up my life as well. I've never seen him again. I'll likely never see or hear from him again. I have no idea if he is alive or dead and find it curious that I have very little feeling about that.
I've learned a lot. That the mental health community does NOT understand alcoholism and it can be a dangerous place to refer an alcoholic. The medical community also does not...and it's very difficult if not impossible to find a way in for professional help. That I get to examine the rest of my life why I agreed to marry an alcoholic without fully understanding the disease thoroughly. Had I read the book "Under the Influence" I would have never married him.
I've moved on in life but distinctly relationship commitment phobic. I'm not sure what work I'll have to do to be ready to really engage in another one. I'm mostly happy but have periods of depression that come from nowhere I can pinpoint.
What's the point? My inner personal work will never end. It goes on. I can view my experience as a painful but rich path to seek out myself in a whole new way. My heart goes out to all of you...who are struggling and suffering with an addicted love one.
After a few years he began to struggle....agitated, started complaining that driving to work (10 miles) was too much for him, felt stressed ect. I didn't understand where all this was coming from. Then, he was diagnosed with a necrotic femur and needed to have a hip replacement. I went with him to the surgeon and we had a very candid discussion about pain management after surgery, given his addiction. The surgeon patten me on the head (metaphorically) and said they would "watch him"
He left the recovery room on Vicodin, and the end of life as we knew it had begun. He moved to the other bedroom so he could "sleep better"..then after two episodes of overdosing on over the counter antihistimines, I told the ER physician I wouldn't take him home..they had to admit him somewhere to get help.
He was admitted to a 30 day intensive mental health program, then released to the care of a psychiatric nurse practioner who proceeded to give him several other psychotropic drugs for "anxiety disorder".
The night I discovered the alcohol he revealed at least 6 fifths in his room. I gave him one week to determine his path to recovery. He instead called me from work, said he wasn't ready to recover and wanted a divorce.
So after a hellish, one year and $30,000 divorce, we divorced. Al Anon and SR kept me sane. In short order he lost his job, his home, all his friends and life as he knew it. Six months later, close to death, and fully dually addicted, he checked himself into detox and rehab, but barely lived through it. I saw him one time near the end of his rehab time...and he shared some of his experience but seemingly oblivious that he blew up my life as well. I've never seen him again. I'll likely never see or hear from him again. I have no idea if he is alive or dead and find it curious that I have very little feeling about that.
I've learned a lot. That the mental health community does NOT understand alcoholism and it can be a dangerous place to refer an alcoholic. The medical community also does not...and it's very difficult if not impossible to find a way in for professional help. That I get to examine the rest of my life why I agreed to marry an alcoholic without fully understanding the disease thoroughly. Had I read the book "Under the Influence" I would have never married him.
I've moved on in life but distinctly relationship commitment phobic. I'm not sure what work I'll have to do to be ready to really engage in another one. I'm mostly happy but have periods of depression that come from nowhere I can pinpoint.
What's the point? My inner personal work will never end. It goes on. I can view my experience as a painful but rich path to seek out myself in a whole new way. My heart goes out to all of you...who are struggling and suffering with an addicted love one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
you captured it....the feeling I've been having about the death of my XAH. the resentments I feel because he has found peace through his passing yet has left so many people behind that will forever be changed.
he wrote on the slate of their spirits and changed who they were. now, his torment is over. but our endures.
he wrote on the slate of their spirits and changed who they were. now, his torment is over. but our endures.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
you captured it....the feeling I've been having about the death of my XAH. the resentments I feel because he has found peace through his passing yet has left so many people behind that will forever be changed.
he wrote on the slate of their spirits and changed who they were. now, his torment is over. but our endures.
he wrote on the slate of their spirits and changed who they were. now, his torment is over. but our endures.
Peace to you. You deserve peace and happiness. We get to live right?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
I appreciate your post msgrace.
I had reached a place in my recovery when I felt peaceful and content....felt as if I could walk away with life lessons about myself.
I have a tendency to sway a little from time to time. this past month have held many triggers for me and although my recovery has not been threatened, it's elasticity has been tested for strength....
you so eloquently wrote on some of these subjects. thank you!
I had reached a place in my recovery when I felt peaceful and content....felt as if I could walk away with life lessons about myself.
I have a tendency to sway a little from time to time. this past month have held many triggers for me and although my recovery has not been threatened, it's elasticity has been tested for strength....
you so eloquently wrote on some of these subjects. thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Here is how the work goes on: I started dating a man after 4 years of not dating. He is the nicest guy ever and we are well suited to each other in all ways but one. He had a child at 48 and now has a 7 year old. I'm older than he is. He also has an active alcoholic ex wife...never ending drama with her and this child. There isn't one thing about me that wants to take on a minor child ....and especially with an alcoholic mother.
So. I realized I was depressed...couldn't figure it out for a bit but kept looking into it. I discovered that same co-dependent mechanism in me that chose to marry an alcoholic (with disastrous consequences) has now re-visited me. Agreeing to make a life with a man that has a minor child and an alcoholic in tow is very similar. I can ignore the wisdom that says this is a losing proposition for me, or I can walk right into it. BUT. I know our life would be a never ending drama with the baggage he brings with him.
So far, I'm not prepared to tell him goodbye. I have work to do and in the end I know I must tell him goodbye. I've vowed that if I had anything at all to learn about my part in my alcoholic experience is something in me wanted the relationship more than learning about the disease I was about to become legally bound to. And the Universe so abundantly serves up this lesson one more time to see what I've actually learned...
SO our work never ends..even if our alcoholic family member is long gone.
So. I realized I was depressed...couldn't figure it out for a bit but kept looking into it. I discovered that same co-dependent mechanism in me that chose to marry an alcoholic (with disastrous consequences) has now re-visited me. Agreeing to make a life with a man that has a minor child and an alcoholic in tow is very similar. I can ignore the wisdom that says this is a losing proposition for me, or I can walk right into it. BUT. I know our life would be a never ending drama with the baggage he brings with him.
So far, I'm not prepared to tell him goodbye. I have work to do and in the end I know I must tell him goodbye. I've vowed that if I had anything at all to learn about my part in my alcoholic experience is something in me wanted the relationship more than learning about the disease I was about to become legally bound to. And the Universe so abundantly serves up this lesson one more time to see what I've actually learned...
SO our work never ends..even if our alcoholic family member is long gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I never wanted anything to do with addiction again.....married 2d husband whose son was in prison for crack. He got out and moved to our town. Disaster! Then my husband started drinking with him and at home and I realized he had a well hidden problem who developed a lot of resentments when I became sick and wasn't raking in the big bucks anymore and couldn't go back to work.
Now I have a very peaceful relationship, no drug or alcohol problems anywhere, no drama.
I never want to be around addiction at all again. ever.
which has meant I don't have relationships with my siblings even tho they live far away and their unacknowledged problems do not effect me.
Now I have a very peaceful relationship, no drug or alcohol problems anywhere, no drama.
I never want to be around addiction at all again. ever.
which has meant I don't have relationships with my siblings even tho they live far away and their unacknowledged problems do not effect me.
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