wellington1

Hi everyone, after about 7 months sober and doing so well my boyfriend has relapsed. I was just starting to regain trust. Opportunity arose and he took it- he currently in bed after 8 cans and 3/4 bottle of southern comfort. He drove in this state too. I had a gut feeling, he didn't sound quite right on the phone so I snooped, found the cans in the bin..... I rang his sponsor.
There was no hiding how drunk he was when he got home. I forced him to speak to his sponsor and binned what was left of the bottle, I've taken his keys. His sponsor is coming tomorrow.
So his sponsor is gutted, felt he was doing great. I doubt he'll keep his job, they've invested a lot of trust.
We're due to be going on holiday in 2 weeks- joining my dad in America.
I am beyond upset, trying on just getting thro tonight but my mind is going crazy and I'm so anxious. What am I going to do?

CodeJob

Did you two have a relapse plan? I'm sorry Wellie your heart must be just hanging low.

Hopefully his sponsor will help him move back to sobriety.

Hammer

What would you like to do?

I mean really LIKE to do?

Go for a walk? Read a book? Look at funny Youtube Cartoons?

All your choices, and NONE of them have ANY thing to do with any A.

As far as your A -- sounds like he has things handled nicely, sleeping things off.

wellington1

Right now I need him stay in bed, not drink tonight and try to sleep

ladyscribbler

What if you tossed him out and went on the holiday alone? You deserve some relaxing time with your family right now.

wellington1

I don't think I'd be able to go alone, we planned to overlap with dad then hav a week on our own. Right now I just feel broken. I can hear him snoring upstairs and I'm wired to the hilt! I just want morning to come and his sponsor to be here. How many times can we cope with being let down? Of trust being shattered? In my head I said I would not accept Him drink driving.... He is an ill man but there is right and wrong. I am so confused

ladyscribbler

Some time away might be just what you need to get your head straight. It's really hard to think clearly in these types of relationships where we get so enmeshed with our partner that it starts to feel like their problems are our problems. You mentioned that he has a sponsor. Do you have a support system for yourself? Have you tried attending Alanon? That really has helped me to become a healthier and stronger person. So sorry you're going through this, but SR is also a big part of my support system. You're in the right place. Lots of people here have been in your shoes.

wellington1

I struggled with alanon, ther is just one meeting and it's not local to me. I work shifts so I couldn't get regularly. My support is my friends and family but that's easy when things are good, it's that alone feeling and not wanting to explain. His sponsor is great, but I was referred to as collateral damage last time he relapsed. I think being a recovering alcoholic he sees it from a certain perspective. His parents need to be made aware, his work do too. He is going to have accept the consequences. I know that I can't cope though... But tomorrow is another day

ladyscribbler

Sorry to hear that. Sending virtual hugs to you. (((hugs))) The thing about AA and all that stuff is that it revolves around the alcoholic, when the friends and family are suffering right along with them. The "collateral damage" comment illustrates this. You are a human being with real grief and pain and you deserve to have that same support. We are here for you. Do something nice for yourself while he's sleeping it off. Taking care of you needs to be your priority while your bf figures out how he is going to take care of his own responsibilities.

AnvilheadII

this isn't your first rodeo with his drinking antics....you said you would not tolerate drunk driving.....you said trust is shattered. and yet....he drank. again.

his sponsor can't fix him.
you can't fix him.
nobody can KEEP him sober........but him.

i'm not sure it's appropriate for you to notify his place of employment. you can't force consequences upon him.

you can begin to work on detachment....his problems are HIS problems. your concern is how they affect you. boundaries. he's shown you he's not done drinking. what does that mean for you. when is your life going to be more about you, and less about trying to keep someone else on the straight and narrow?

go on that vacation solo. go see your dad. spend some time with just YOU...not him and his problems. you have your own life to live....regardless of what he does.

meggygoround30

I agree with everyone else. do what will be good for YOU. I know it's hard to do when you are feeling helpless. I think the best thing to do in the meantime is little things that don't take much energy. Watch a funny movie, look up a bunch of empowering quotes and write them down, make a list of things that make you happy. Sending hugs your way xoxo

SeriousKarma

Friends and family are wonderful, and you're lucky to count them among your support system. Unfortunately, sometimes we can fall in to patterns with those too close to us that can prevent us from finding meaningful recovery. What I love about Alanon is that I'm not responsible to anyone there. And, best of all, no one passes judgement. I love my family and friends, but I'm always trying to second guess their needs. Maybe you do better with yours.

I think there may be some online Alanon groups. Maybe someone else can shed some light on that. Of course SR is also a great place for support.

It took me years to realize that it was MY patterns that needed changing. Once I did though, positive change has come rather quickly (still a work in progress of course). I think you're doing great. Don't be afraid to try doing things a bit different. You're getting some great suggestions here. I know it's hard. I remember being right where you are now, listening for that sound from the bedroom. "Oh dear God, let them still be passed out!" That's no way to live. ((((( hugs )))))))

HopefulinFLA

Wellington-

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My AH relapsed 2 months ago after 5 months sober. I Understand your anxiety and how devastating it can be. They just don't understand how their drinking affects us. It feels like all your hopes and dreams are crumbling before your eyes.

You must understand that there's nothing you can do for him if he's not willing to do for himself. I know this is all easier said then done, but for me, I'm learning to let it go and turn it over to my higher power. I sometimes have the conversation with my HP several times a day asking for him to take this burden off my shoulders. (btw, I'm not a particularly religious person, but the HP technique sure is helpful) You see, his problems are not yours to fix and once you can really wrap your mind around that idea, you will start to feel much better.

I think you've received some great advice here already. If you can, taking some time away from him would probably do you wonders.

Whatever you decide to do, take extra good care of YOU right now. Come back and post as much as you'd like, we're all here for you.

Hugs!

canofworms

Hi, I told my Alcoholic husband (who is now in rehab) that I will not live with an active drinker and then pulled out the divorce card. I meant it and he knows it. He is slated to return home soon and if he drinks I fully intend to go the next day to an attorney (got one lined up just in case). It took me about 6 months of therapy and weekly Al-Anon meeting to get to this point. I tell him all the time that I will always love him but I will not live with a drinker.

I don't want to divorce him but I know I am prepared to do so.

We have been separated for 2 months now ( the longest we have been apart in 22 years). It breaks my heart to see what alcohol did to him and our family. I have to take care of me and our kids---leave him to his own recovery ---which I hope takes hold and he stays well.

I agree with the others here that he should wake to face his relapse by himself and decide what to do with his life. You should be free to live your life and a nice 2 week vacation in the USA will be a very good time to THINK (and enjoy yourself ----you deserve it)

wellington1

Thank you everyone. I appreciate u're comments so much. It's 6am and I've had a couple of hours sleep. He woke up, said sorry and is back asleep. I plan to wait til his sponsor arrives then I'm going back to my home- I'm so pleased I didn't move in here!!! I'm sure his sponsor will inform his parents who live 3 hours away. They will dutifully come up, stay for a few days.... This time is different in that there was a plan in place at work which gives the other partners a get out clause. As his sponsor said last night, it's a time for honesty not deceit. I will leave it to the experienced to deal with that. I just want to go see my horse and lick my wounds. I'm putting off the conversation with my dad, not string enough to do that today xx

idledreamer

I'm sorry you have to go through this! Everyone else has already given more advice than I could muster, but I just wanted to say that going home and seeing your horse sounds like a great idea! I'm glad you are going to do something that you need and want.

And don't push yourself to tell your dad today. You don't have to tell him today. It's whenever you are ready to have that conversation.

Hugs!

wellington1

Thank you. X

wellington1

I rang his parents, they're on their way now. I feel like I just cut and run when they get here. His sponsor is also en route. He's in denial that there will be consequences this time- his programme is such that his employers will be made aware. He can't look at me. He's sorry but the self pity is obvious. One day at a time x

Hammer

Yep. Get YOU out of this mess. Not your wreck, not your accident, and Triple C for you -- (you know the three C's right? You Cannot Cause, Control or Cure it).

Really. What is something that YOU would like to do for YOU today?

wellington1

I've ridden my horse, chatted to friends over bottomless cups of tea. Feel refreshed and detatched- feel like me. Thanks for the support x