flailing

I'm headed to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow (if all goes well!). I definitely could use some help.

I've lived with my AW for a bit more than 10 years. The first few years were good. We were drinking buddies. Then she started to get more and more depressed, and then drink more heavily, and then we were both drinking heavily every day, and so on. Until about 6 months ago her sisters and parents convinced her to go into a hospital detox, and I just quit drinking altogether out of fear or trying to help her or whatever.

Fast forward through a lot of **** -- promises, broken promises, dry days, drinking days. Mostly she managed not to drink, with an average of one serious slip every two weeks (a quart of vodka over the course of a day and a night -- she's got a serious problem). She said she wanted to quit, but she had a bottle hidden in reserve at all times, etc.

Eventually I got the bright idea of setting a new boundary: Just not drinking isn't working; you gotta go to therapy or AA or you're going to have to leave. We set a deadline. It passed. We set another deadline. She went to AA (with me) twice. She went by herself (once). She stopped going.

That's two weeks ago now, and she's had what looks to be an escalating series of "slips" -- first one a week, and now two in one week. Yesterday and today were consecutive drunk days, with her falling down (for the nth time) and splitting her head on the bathroom floor.

I'm scared that she's going to get back to the physically addicted stage quick, which will make it very difficult to throw her out -- in the sense that it will take a very high level of ruthlessness for me to essentially put her on the street. I can't believe I got here.

honeypig

Hi, flailing--I think a lot of us here can relate to "I can't believe I got here." I certainly know the feeling.

The thing that jumps out at me from your post is the bit about the boundaries and deadlines, and how they got crossed and then re-set and then crossed again. It sounds like some clarification about boundaries might be helpful for you, as it seems like your "boundaries" were more like rules for the A, and worked about as well as that ever works...

Boundaries are NOT to control someone else's behavior. They are statements of what we find unacceptable, and what action we ourselves will take if the unacceptable thing occurs. Requiring your A to go to AA or therapy or leave would be a rule, requiring action from her. Saying "if you don't go to AA or therapy, then I will move out" (and then DOING it, if the boundary is crossed), is a boundary, where YOU are the one taking the action.

These 2 threads from the stickies at the top of the page will explain it better than I can, I'm sure:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

The other thing I want to mention about boundaries is that, once put in place, they MUST be followed thru on! Otherwise the A simply learns that, once again, we don't mean what we say. I often see people post here that their A's don't respect their boundaries, and the reply is always to not set a boundary that you are not prepared to back up with action. The saying that goes along with that is "We teach people how to treat us."

I'm very, very glad you're going to Alanon tomorrow, and I think you should go come hell or high water, not just "if all goes well." You need all the resources and support you can get, and that's a great place to find both.

Wishing you strength and clarity, flailing!

flailing

Thanks for the tutorial RE boundaries. You're right, though it seems like it's a tough line to walk. Maybe a good working definition for me would be that a Boundary is something that I tell myself and commit myself to holding, while a Rule is something that I tell my AW.

Frankly, I don't know that I can keep any of the boundaries that will do any good. I have stuck to the resolution that I won't drink with her or hang out with her while she's drinking. But I'm not sure it's having any influence on her -- if that's even the goal? -- and it mostly results in me sitting in the library or wandering the streets, literally, for hours while I wait for her to pass out.

Onward.

First Al-Anon meeting today. AW secret drinking today when I got back. She was in tears pretty much all day with feelings of shame, worthlessness, failure etc. Some consciously to do with alcohol I assume but what she was talking about were the other problems -- not having enough talent, not getting anywhere in life, and so on (we're both in a sorta creative field).

Anyway, so we had this long, long talk during which I tried to react differently and not get angry or hold last night's episode against her, and I was congratulating myself for handling it better..... And then she started slurring and slouched off to bed to pass out.

It's really scary because this is the third day in a row, after about 6 months of maintaining some level of sobriety -- going a week or two weeks without a drink. Before she went into hospital and did the whole DTs thing, she was drinking upwards of half a quart of vodka every night for a long time and then at the end drinking in the day as well. I'm scared that we're headed back to that, and what it will mean.

Obviously, there's the worst case scenario thinking: Her liver will pack up.

Then there's the general, my life will be unlivable hell.

But then there's also a new fear: Part of my (in hindsight, very stupid) plan to get her to change was to move us to Europe from India, so now it's not really possible for me to leave her. She is unemployed and the lease is in my name. In order to rent a new place I'd have to cancel this one. So to "leave her" I would actually have to kick her out. We don't know anybody here, so that would mean on the street or on a plane to India.

And when she was at her bottle-a-day glory it was impossible to get her on a flight.

Ugh.

Okay.... Worst case scenario thinking over. It's also possible that she will try again tomorrow. It's also possible that she'll go back to India without the problems that I'm forecasting. Deep breath.

honeypig

flailing, how was that Alanon meeting? Did you find it useful? It's a good idea to try a half dozen or so different ones, as the "flavor" can be pretty different from one to another, and you may feel more comfortable at a particular one. Also, I found that reading the literature was important to me in understanding how Alanon helps.

There IS an answer to your problems; you WILL find a way, even though you can't see it now.

flailing

The Al-Anon meeting wasn't exactly helpful, but I could see how it might be. I'll probably try a couple others. There was nothing wrong with the style of this one, but it wasn't exactly clear how I would move forward. (Same problem my wife had with AA, incidentally).

How do you go from attending a few meetings to getting a sponsor and working the steps? Does it just happen organically after you show up a bunch of times?

The most interesting thing actually was that I felt totally different at "my meeting" than I had at AA with my wife. In AA I had this rush of adrenalin like finally we might find a solution, everything everybody said seemed kind of honest and inspiring. In Al-Anon I realized why my AW might be scared -- it's kind of daunting to look at those steps! And I also felt a wee bit defensive ;-) and very clear all of a sudden that I really don't know what's going on in my own mind. Some of the shares were very thoughtful and self-reflexive and made me think -- hmmm, I'm like that, but it would never have occurred to me.

flailing

Sorry, forgot the most important part - at Al-Anon I felt like the people were so much more "messed up" than the alcoholics! In retrospect, I think that was partly because I saw myself in them, partly because I'd been to an AA meeting with some longterm recovery successes.... But it was scary to hear people talk about attending several meetings a week, sometimes twice a day, after a year or more in the program.

honeypig

flailing, this part "And I also felt a wee bit defensive ;-) and very clear all of a sudden that I really don't know what's going on in my own mind. Some of the shares were very thoughtful and self-reflexive and made me think -- hmmm, I'm like that, but it would never have occurred to me" sounds like you totally had the Alanon experience--it IS really scary when we realize that while we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure the alcoholism, we surely do have our own part in the dance of craziness that has ensued.

Someone here posted this some time ago: For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me. This might not be something you're ready to hear yet, but at some point, I believe it will resonate w/you as it did w/me.

Regarding the thought of going to Alanon twice a day, every day, for the rest of your life--yeah, I'd find that idea daunting too! But for some people, it's what they need, and so that's what they do. How often and for how long YOU go is entirely up to you, just as YOU decide if and what you share at a meeting.

Here's a few more threads that might be useful for you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anon-help.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sponsors.html

Hope you find a little peace and a glimmer of light sometime today.

honeypig

Wanted to include this bit of "Wisdom of SR" in the previous post but didn't remember until my "editing window" had closed:

Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.

At the time I first read that, it seemed fairly accurate. Now, a year down the road, I'd say it's an absolute bullseye--as messed up as our lives have become, there is simply no way we could understand. But somehow, every time we get ready to take a step forward, unsure of how and which way, we seem to be shown what we need to know when we need to know it.

I am not someone who has ever lived that way, trusting that things will work for the best. But somehow, when I do trust, they do work.