kim44

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I've never done drugs. The past few months he's been showing drastic sudden mood changes.. and has been disappearing for days at a time. The routine now is, 3 days with me, 4 days without hearing from him, then 4 or 5 days with me, and 2 or 3 days without any word from him. I'm not supposed to ask where he's been or what he's been doing, or he threatens to leave again. He promises there are no other women, and that he's not doing anything sexual. He also claims he's not doing drugs. Before he met me he said he had been addicted to heroin, but that he switched to pain pills just before he met me. I've seen him snort pills in the past, and last year he started snorting a pain pill every 2 hours where we worked. He lost that job because he refused to take a random drug test. Except for an occasional pain pill he claims he is clean, but when he comes home from being away his eyes are very bloodshot, and he states that he hasn't slept or eaten in days. He is losing weight. 2 months ago he weighed 155, but now all his clothes are loose and his ring is falling off his finger. When he comes home i am so relieved to see him that i hug him and cry because i've missed him so much. He seems fine for a couple days mood wise, but by the 3rd day he becomes very aggitated and blames me for various things that he suddenly finds unforgiveable...(laundry not getting dry fast enough, or something else out of the blue). I try to make him happy so he doesn't leave again, but like clockwork he finds something to argue with me about, blames it on me, and he runs out of the house. He promises not to leave again, but he always does. He says he loves me, but he hurts me so bad when he leaves me over and over. He started hanging out with a new group of guys when the disappearances began. The group of them lock themselves in an apartment for days and ignore the door and their phones. I thought he might be gay or cheating on me at first, but I suspect he is back on drugs. Either pain pills or heroin or cocaine. Today marks the second day he's been gone. I saw him sitting on his friend's porch last night...and I stopped to speak to him. He said he cant trust me and he thinks i'm with other men when he's away. I told him that I love him and i don't cheat, and i said if he thinks that then he shouldn't leave me like he does. He said I was a *hor*, and that we are through. He knows I sit around and cry and wait for him to come home. He doesn't like it when I look for him, or stop at his friend's houses. He's said we were through before when he's been mad at me. I don't know if we're really through or not ...he never tells me. He keeps me in suspense. I've been crying for months wondering if he was back on drugs....I couldn't figure out why he kept leaving for days at a time when I'm supposed to be his girlfriend. .I am so glad I found this forum. I feel like I'm not alone now.

huntingtontx

You are not alone. Your boy friend is not your friend, he is an addict. I am sorry you are hurting, and we are here for you. I hope you have the strength to move on, because until he gets sober he is only going to hurt who ever he is with. I wish I could give you and big hug and something to make you feel better. I am glad you found us.

kim44

In the 2 years we've been together he got jealous if I spent time with female friends, and he wanted me to cut ties with them. I loved him so I did that for him. Now I am completely alone and He has this new group of people he spends his time with. I was recently layed off from my job, so he became my only friend. I have experienced extreme sadness and isolation. I have been taking care of him for almost a year since he lost his job. I have a hard time sleeping without him because I'm so used to him being here with me. And when he actually is here he acts like nothing changed...and things are fine again. I go from very depressed (its becomes hard to function) when he's gone to very happy when he's back. He knows I love him very much. I tell him all the time. He says he loves to hear me say how much I love him. I sometimes find it hard to get out of bed..knowing hes gone again. I've never been on drugs, and I have never known anyone who has struggled with addiction. I don't think I've ever really been in love before this relationship and I always believe him when he promises he'll never leave again. I went out once when he was gone..but I felt so guilty. I felt like I was cheating on him just being out without him. Do you think there is no hope that he will become sober? He said he quit drinking by switching to heroin, and he quit that by switching to pain pills... but I guess switching from one drug to another isn't getting sober. And he has 2 personalities...he's very sweet and quiet to everyone else, but he can be mean too. Calling me names and telling me he feels like he wants to hit me occasionally. But I wasn't sure if that was just his personality. Sometimes I thought it would be better to end it all, because I don't know if I'm strong enough to bear the pain of watching him run out the door again, never knowing when or if I'll see him again. I used to beg him to stay... now I just watch him go. The last time he was home I asked him if he knows how much it hurts me when he leaves, and how much I cry. He just said he was sorry, and he said he loved me. So do I just tell myself that its over (our relationship) and give up hope for lasting change? He's never disappeared for such long periods of time before. I can't understand how he can just go knowing how much it hurts me.

IOAA2

Hi Kim. Welcome and I hope you find lots of comfort and support here and elsewhere. First I'll say is I'm a hard liner as I've seen/heard so much BS over many years, I tell it the way it is with my narrow vocabulary. I strongly suggest attending meetingS at Al Anon for your sanity and the friends and family forum on this site.

" I'm not supposed to ask where he's been or what he's been doing, or he threatens to leave again."
What can I say, I'd take the offer and run! without leaving a forwarding address.
Things will not get better until he says he wants to stop this madhouse as other people cannot get someone clean or sober.
It's not uncommon for alcoholics and addicts to have a common malady: they are lying when their lips are moving, so be aware.
Sorry.

BE WELL

LBrain

I agree. Run away from that. For your own sanity.

Hevyn

I'm glad you joined us Kim. I hope it relieves some of the stress to talk things over here. Many understand exactly what you're going through. (You may want to check out our Friends and Family forum too.)

sugarbear1

hugs to you

have you read Codependent No More?

happycampers

I'll third that - RUN ! And focus on YOURSELF and finding your own growth and happiness. I don't care if someone is in a "healthy" relationship - we are all individually responsible for finding our own peace and contentment. If you don't, you'll just end up going from one co-dependent relationship to another, ending up with the same results - abused, sad and unfulfilled. Start discovering yourself and your own interests/ goals. Then a partner is just icing on the cake and not a burden. Good luck.

least

If it were me I'd cut my losses and let him leave for good. He's not acting like he loves you. I wouldn't waste any more of my life waiting for him to become a good man. As long as he's using and behaving this way, he's not your friend. Take it from someone who's been there and done that.

SeekingGrowth

Hi, Kim. From my perspective, heroin and pain pills are the same thing. "Pain pills" sounds not so bad - after all, docs prescribe them, right? - but they're all the same drug. Opiates. Your boyfriend is addicted to opiates.

You say that you personally have no experience with addiction, but consider the possibility that you may be addicted to your boyfriend. You say you love him so much, but how can you truly love someone who treats you as you have described? That doesn't sound like real love to me - that sounds like addiction to the "push-pull" of this relationship. You have allowed him to manipulate you into a position where you have no one but him to to either build or bash your self esteem. He diminishes your sense of self-worth by treating you with great disrespect and as though you are worthless, then lifts you back up again when he comes back. The more the cycle continues, the more your sense of self-worth is entirely in his hands - you need him to come back not because you love him so much, but because you need the boost in self esteem that, under the circumstances, only he can provide.

I agree with those who are telling you to get out of this relationship, but I know that doing so will be very hard and painful in the short term. It will be like trying to beat an addiction, and like any addict seeking recovery, you would benefit from support. You should try to find an Alanon or Naranon group in your area. Also, there are actually websites dealing with love addiction - you might find some of the information on those sites to be helpful. In the long run, if you get yourself out of this relationship and work on rebuilding your sense of self-worth, you will develop your own life, make healthy friends, and look back wondering how you ever allowed yourself to be in this situation.

Amazingglazier

Hi Kim and welcome to SR! You sound like a wonderful person, but you need to say enough! He is using you for his base, isolating you from others so he knows you'll be there when HE decides he is done playing or is sick or hungry! Believe me any man that says tthe things you have said he says, is not a man but a coward who can't see his own faults and will do nothing but cause you more pain . Both emotionally and possibly physically. Get out while you can before you get hurt worse. It's Easter, look into yourself and pray for a new beginning! Wishing you peace! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby

happycampers

another great post SeekingGrowth and really solid advice ! I hope Kim takes it for her sake!