need help

Old 04-19-2014, 11:48 PM
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need help

I'm 27, married almost one and a half years, my husband is an alcoholic. He's also abusive, both verbally and physically. I'm so exhausted of this. He just passed out after a three hour rant while he was smoking marijuana and drinking cognac. Told me I'm trash, a wh*re, a no good mother, a tramp, a hoodrat, a stupid bi*tch. And so on. Told me I hurt our son on purpose because he was crying a bit more than usual.

I try to walk with God, try to follow Jesus. But I just get so mad. I know not to argue or respond. I'm not a cheater, I don't use any drugs or alcohol. I'm a good mom. The pressure is so tremendous. I've detached to the point that I know we're through. There is a tentative plan in place, a bit of money, a support network growing. I'm terrified. Need to get out without facing my AH's wrath. I'm just so scared and worn out. Not sure if I can do this. Here in the deep south alcoholism is a way of life. I'm so.afraid the courts won't believe me and won't see my baby belongs in a safe home with me.

This is one of my darkest hours. Anyone survive something similar?
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Old 04-20-2014, 12:00 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))

Have you called any abuse hotlines or local women's shelters? They usually have 24 hr phone lines. Here's a national one:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
1-800-799-7233

You and your baby do deserve to be in a safe home with each other. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. There are members here who've gotten out of situations like yours. Have hope.
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Old 04-20-2014, 12:02 AM
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You are a strong person. You made a plan. You found support in real life and you found us here. This is something that you can do. I believe in you.
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Old 04-20-2014, 12:08 AM
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Are you safe? If you are worried about your safety, get out now with your son -- even if you need to leave everything behind. There are people to help you with the rest. The most important thing is for the two of you to be safe.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 04-20-2014, 12:39 AM
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I am worried about you too, I know what its like to be in that spot, I have stood in it myself...except not with a baby. That part makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. It only takes once to get dead, do you realize that? There are people who can help you, if you will call that number posted above. They will help you form a plan to get out. You can get out now, even, if you are ready for that...and if he is passed out you won't be facing any wrath when you leave. Things are only things, but your life and the life of your child are precious. And irreplaceable. And it really only takes once to get dead.
Please be safe. Please be strong. For the sake of your child. You and your child deserve to be safe and loved and happy. You deserve to never be scared in your own home. Right now, your safety and your child's safety is number one. We are here for you. Please keep us posted.
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Old 04-20-2014, 01:04 AM
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the man up program

Originally Posted by missboots View Post

I try to walk with God, try to follow Jesus.
you may wish to call a local Pastor for counseling
(for yourself) and possibly both of you

my wife set us up for Christian counseling back when I was drinking heavy
but as we all know -- it takes two to make it work -- I was ready

not sure if your husband thinks as you do
"I try to walk with God, try to follow Jesus"
but if he does -- he is breaking many Bible set rules for men

such as #1 -- love your wife as Christ loves the Church
leaves all of us men lacking a little (to say the least)

a good Pastor should also be able to help you
if your husband does not get with the man up program

MM
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Old 04-20-2014, 01:49 AM
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GET OUT NOW! Don't worry about him!!! He will save his own damn self! Save your baby and you!

No one would ever question your motherly instincts knowing what you just said and the fact that your baby is crying more doesn't surprise me.

Do yourself a favor and GTFO now!!! He will change his tune for a little while to try and woo you back in but it is just smoke! He is dangerous if he's got his hands and lips all over you like you say!
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Old 04-20-2014, 03:11 AM
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Miss boots, please keep sharing here with us. We support you as you prepare. If you did not get out or make the call earlier this morning, put those numbers in your cell. Even realizing that you are able to leave this relationship is a big step!

Hugs to you.
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Old 04-20-2014, 04:31 AM
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The best idea is to call a DV hotline - this is a confidential call. They will guide you in how to get out - they can also refer you to shelters where you and your son can stay in the interim. These shelters look like any other home, they are kept in secret and your A will NOT be able to find you or your son.

You have to put thoughts of what could possibly happen regarding a divorce and custody out of your mind. These thoughts often keep spouses in unhealthy and dangerous relationships. This is a dangerous relationship for your son as well. You cannot control the A while you are there. Please don't wait. Bad things happen when people wait.

I live in the Deep South too - not all are backwards, not all are accepting of alcoholism and Domestic Violence. I don't know one person who is accepting of domestic violence.

Peace and hugs.
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:16 AM
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Hi missboots, I agree that the best thing that you can do know is to call the DV hotline. I did that, and then they gave me the local DV shelter. It helped a lot to have all the information that they could provide before hand. Also if you have the time before leaving, make sure that you can get all documents, like birth certificates, marriage certificate, bank account info, life insurance info, anything else that you can think of, and either start getting it out of the house now, or make copies of them, but this is only if you have the time to do this. Your life and your childs life are worth more then that, it just sometimes makes it easier if you already have this info.

Consider staying at the shelter for a few weeks at least after you leave. The reason that I say this is because after leaving a relationship, this is the most dangerous period of time for a woman. He has been physically abusive to you, so you don't really know what he is capable of.

Make sure you never leave your computer on, erase cookies and history.

Keep in touch here so we know how you are doing, and this is an excellent place for additional support for you.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:27 AM
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This a new DV program by Dr Phil's wife, Robin. It has a well hidden app for your phone too so he can't find it. One push of a button and help is called.

Please take a look at it.

https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org

Stay safe!! Keeping you in my prayers!! Please know YOU deserve a life of peace, joy and laughter. We all do!!
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:34 AM
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More resources from her site
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Toll Free: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
Toll Free: (800) 787-3224 (TTY)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

National Network to End Domestic Violence
Phone: (202) 543-5566
National Network to End Domestic Violence | Home

American Psychiatric Association (APA)
Toll Free: (888) 35-PSYCH (77924)
Phone: (703) 907-7300
Mental Health | psychiatry.org

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Phone: (303) 839-1852
Phone: (202) 745-1211 ext. 143
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

The National Center for Victims of Crime
Phone: (202) 467-8700
Welcome to the National Center for Victims of Crime

Futures without Violence
Phone: (415) 678-5500
Futures Without Violence

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Toll Free: (800) 537-2238
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

The Battered Women’s Justice Project
Toll Free: (800) 903-0111 ext. 1
Phone: (612) 824-8768
Battered Women's Justice Project | Splash

National Battered Women’s Law Project
Phone: (212) 741-9480

WomensHealth.gov
Toll Free: (800) 994-9662
womenshealth.gov

National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health
Phone: (312) 726-7020
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
Toll Free: (866) 331-9474
loveisrespect.org

Safe Place
Phone: (512) 267-SAFE (7233)
SafePlace

Break the Cycle
Phone: (310) 286-3383
Break the Cycle | Empowering Youth to End Dating Violence

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
Toll Free: (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
RAINN.org | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Toll Free: (800) 313-1310
Futures Without Violence: Features: National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence

A Women’s Guide to Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation
Toll Free: (800) 993-3869
Drug Rehab Centers for Women - Help Locating Women's Only Rehabs
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:55 AM
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LMN, excellent resource. I saw this on the Dr Phil show, but I didn't get around to researching it. It's excellent since it provides you with a list of things to try to do if you are preparing to leave, and also tells you to get out even if you don't accomplish that.

Also gives excellent advice on what to do after you leave.

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:13 AM
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I am not sure if can be made a stickie but if it can, I think it should be,
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Old 04-20-2014, 07:05 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be scary to live with an abusive man when you have a son. You don't have to make a decision right away. You can start to put a plan in place. When you call the domestic violence hotline they will refer you to a local shelters and tell you everything you need to get ready to leave. My previous husband was abusive. I had to slowly secretly gather everything I needed including an important document like passports and birth certificates.

The local shelters most likely have lawyers that can help you get a restraining order and divorce if you choose.

I am scared for you and your child. Please be safe. Abusers tend to get WAY worse when you try to leave. That's why it's important to get help from experts in domestic violence.
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Old 04-20-2014, 07:25 AM
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There are some stickies regarding abuse with info and practical help to prepare to leave at any time.
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Old 04-20-2014, 08:21 AM
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I've been where you are. I stayed and things only got worse. I was pretty broken down by the time I was able to leave. If you have the resources in place, and it's an option, wait until you have a window of time where he is gone and get yourself and your son out. This man is dangerous and will not get better. Alcohol and drugs are only part of the problem. My first husband rarely drank but was a compulsive liar and very controlling and abusive. I left him while he was at work. I knew he had an unregistered handgun in the house and I took that when I left and threw it in a garbage can at the first rest stop we stopped at.
I'm not advocating that, but it made me feel safer. He flipped out about that gun, but there was nothing he could do. I told him he should call the police and report it stolen. He didn't.
Then after I left him I got involved with and alcoholic who started out fine, but degenerated to the level it sounds like your husband is at. Ranting, raving, name-calling, verbal and physical abuse.
I left him too. Last September. He made a lot of noise about custody and stuff, but the truth is he can hardly take care of himself and so all his big talk was just quacking. He's busy drinking and feeling sorry for himself and I'm busy building a life for myself and my sons. My ex husband died of cancer last July and I was so relieved. My oldest son is in grief counseling and doing well, though he misses his dad. I never say a bad word about him. I can afford to be charitable now that he's gone, but his death is still on my gratitude lists.
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:12 AM
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missboots---I want you to know that the people who answer the phones at the dv hotlines or shelters are soo very gentle, kind an understanding. Everything is held in confidence. They are dedicated to this work of helping--and they have seen every possible kind of situation. They will not judge you--just try to find out how they can be of help to you. There are m any kinds of ways that they can help. They can help get you out of the house safely, right now--if you want or need that. They will hide you in a safe shelter without revealing the location. The secret shelters are set up like a comfortable home and there are provisions for the children.
In addition to helping you get out safely--they offer a range of services--once you are there. They offer legal assistance--and, help you walk through anything that you need to do. They offer counseling and help with getting financial assistance, job training, etc. In other words, they can help you get on your own feet.
They will not force you to do anything that you don't want to do!!
Just because you talk to them--doesn't mean that you are obligated to do anything. You make your own decisions about everything. They are there to assist and help.

You don't have to stay in this situation--there is lots of help and options available. I know that you may feel alone--but, you are not!
Help can be one phone call away.

I am glad that you came here to post. Please keep us posted as to h ow it is going. We care about you!

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Old 04-20-2014, 09:27 AM
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I hope you are ok MissBoots. Sending you a hug and prayers yours and your baby way
******}}}
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:30 AM
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Making plans like you are is very smart. The helplines and shelters will be understanding if you're not ready to leave. They're going to support you and guide you to make good decisions for yourself. It's okay to take things as you need to, keep aware of keeping your and your baby safe. The more you plan and talk with others, the more options you'll probably start seeing.

Sending prayers for safety for you and your son.

May you both have a Blessed Easter - in any way, big or small.
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