mejo

Hi, I am new here. I have been married for 9 years to an alcoholic now drug addict. He checked into treatment 2 weeks ago for the second time in 5 years. I feel so distant from him. I feel like I have lost him. Anyway, I drive 3 hours to see him each weekend. He has made a couple of friends in treatment. Two days in a row he has told me he does not want me to come see him. Today's excuse was one of his friends was having trouble and he needed to be with them. Dinner with them. Is this normal? To put the people in treatment in front of your family, just like the addiction? Thanks.

BoxinRotz

Addiction is a very selfish disease and so is recovery.

mejo

But why is it like that in recovery? Do I just say screw it and move on?

deeker

When I was in treatment I felt very unlovable but didn't know how to express that. I was filled with shame. I didn't want people around me because I didn't want to pretend I felt good about myself when I didn't.

LBrain

This is not an unusual behavior for addicts in rehab. I've witnessed it recently by more than a few who didn't want family or loved ones to visit. I cannot explain why, but it happens.

mejo

Do they feel responsible for each other in there? Would rather lean on them than repair their family?

deeker

People in there understand us. Our families do not understand and we can not make
them understand. It is easier to talk to someone who understands.

As an addict, We have to work on ourselves.

mejo

Okay, trying to understand, but you're right. I don't. I never will. Anger. That's what I understand right now. That and hopelessness. I have tried to be his friend for years only to be pushed away time and time again. I want him. But I want him sober. I feel selfish. Thanks for replying. I need it tonight.

Lily1918

because anything we put before recovery we lose.
imagine he has diabetes and needs to take his insulin. He cannot neglect his insulin just to spend time with people. Imagine not going to chemotherapy.
For an addict the option is treatment or death. If he could just "move on" he would not be addicted.

To love an addict is to forever be in 3rd place. The order in recovery is 1. Higher power 2. whatever program they need 3. friends and family

the moment this changes is te moment they mentally relapse, and often times physical relapse follows.

It is the only way. We as loved ones have two choices: accept this bitter truth, or if we cannot accept it, we must move on.

sorry I can't say what you want to hear :,(

newnormal4me

I suggest taking care of you right now...do ou attend alanon or naranon? There are also counselors that focus on co-dependency. Take this time to work on yourself. What is meant to be will be. You can't force things to work. Obviously he has some internal stuff going on. The co-dependent in us allows our brains to take it way farther than that - we awfulize the situation when it could simply be what has been stated here, that he feels shame or whatnot and the visits do not feel good. If there is one thing I've learned along the way of this journey, it is that I can't fix anything but myself, and I can't force anything. Forcing yourself upon your husband right now (as crazy as this sounds) could cause more damage than good. Show him that you are confident and self-assured, and get yourself to that place whatever it takes! I've heard it said before (here and other places), fake it till you make it. Hugs to you.

mejo

Saw him today. I had the car packed to head back home. He was mad about that. Told me those actions are knee jerk reactions and I need to work on that. Oh, well. I am supposed to be here just at a distance. thank you!

Lily1918

hugs to you! you are very brave

mejo

Thanks Lily. And yes, NewNormal. I am in my own recovery with the above all mentioned. I think it was just hard that we drove all that way to see him, and he was still being...well, him. LOL But I told him that I would not go there and see him anymore. There was a couple of reasons for that decision.
1) I am not going to waste my time, $$ and recovery for him to tell me not to come.
2) I need to worry about me right now. This was a decision I MADE. It felt good.

Thanks everyone. I know this will get better.