jessilynn712

Hi everyone, I decided to join this forum as a non-user because I am trying to understand addiction and everything that goes along with it. I have been around addicts my entire life and I've seen genuinely good-hearted people let addiction take over their life and that is why I chose to understand rather than judge. My dad was an alcoholic and growing up, i didnt know anything about addiction so i couldn't understand why he did the things he did. It wasn't until I found out about my brothers percocet/heroin addiction that I really started to get it. My brothers are 20 years old (twins) and when we were young we got along great. they were goofy fun loving kids but when they were around 16 I started to notice they had changed. Things got worse and they started to steal from me and lie about it. I was mad but more sad. They ended up getting arrested for larceny and I couldnt believe it. That is when I made it my mission to help them. I did everything I could to keep them out of jail and got them into different rehabs and programs for addicts. They did so good for like 7 months but eventually relapsed. I never, and still haven't, given up on them and I never will. but i realize now that they need to be ready for recovery before they are willing to accept help.
I'm here because I want to understand addiction. I hate how many people this disease is destroying and I wish more people understood it. Every addict is different. No one wants to be addicted to drugs or alcohol but its hard to know where to start.

"Never let your failures go to your heart or your successes go to you head"

least

Welcome to the SR family. I'm glad you joined us.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum jessi!!

The most important lesson you'll learn, which you already have, is that the addict needs to WANT help themselves or to change, no one else can do it for them or help, soo many people who are friends or family members come and post here wondering what to do, and unfortunately sometimes there is nothing that can be done, if the addict doesn't want to change!!

Stick around and read plenty of threads!!

doggonecarl

I think you got a good heart and mean well. We have a busy friends and family forum. Perhaps you should visit there.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I'm an addict and alcoholic. I didn't understand it when I was using, don't understand it now that I'm clean and sober. Didn't need to. I just had to stop.

SeekingGrowth

Hi, Jessilynn. Welcome to SR. I have been where you are with a different family member - I was legal guardian for a young man who was essentially my son. He became addicted to heroin, and I rode that ride with him for about a year. He ultimately passed away two years ago (NOT from overdose), and my nightmare experience with him has led me to continue learning and working in the addiction area. I'm not sure that a non-addict can ever fully understand the compulsion that drives a person to continue using despite the accumulation of negative consequences, or the denial and self-deception that leads one to believe he doesn't have a problem and can control his use. At the same time, I think that all of us have experienced some level of compulsion and denial in some aspect of our lives, and you can reflect on those experiences to help you understand.

I did what you did with my son - made it my "mission" to, let's face it, fix him. It was the most self-destructive thing I've ever done - SO emotionally painful. I was trying so hard to help him, and he would outwardly go along with it at times, but I would later discover that his words and actions in my presence were a smokescreen that enabled his continued use. I thought we were fighting a battle together, but often discovered that I was fighting all by myself - and fighting HIM. I took the lies and manipulation very personally; my son stole from me, too. The problem was that, at the time, I didn't understand addiction at all. I'm a big advocate for someone in your position learning all they can about the disease, as your knowledge will help you protect yourself and not engage in behavior that YOU think is helping, but which is in fact enabling your brothers' addiction.

It helps to recognize that a person in active addiction will not hesitate to lie, manipulate, and use you however he can to allow him to continue to use. That doesn't mean he is intrinsically a bad person - it is part of the disease, so expect it and guard against it. Don't take the behavior personally. And as you have already observed, YOU can't make your brothers recover. Don't work harder on their recovery than they do. You can't force it - you can't love them into recovery, negotiate them into recovery, reason them there. THEY have to decide they want it, and there really is nothing you can do to MAKE that happen. If they decide they want recovery, you can be supportive of that. If you know of some things that might be helpful, you can offer suggestions. But THEY have to take the lead. And recognize that they might SAY they want recovery in order to get something from you that they will in fact use to perpetuate their addiction.

Protect yourself. I went into it with my son feeling emotionally strong and invulnerable - I never imagined that HIS addiction would bring me to my knees, but it did. So be careful.

One last thing - the Family & Friends forum here is very helpful, but don't take everything that is said there as gospel. I agree with your assessment that every addict is different. There are certainly many common behaviors that go with the disease, but people have different drivers, different "bottoms," different paths to recovery. There are people on the F&F forum who have spent years being lied to and manipulated and unappreciated by the addicts in their lives, and their bitterness and hopelessness and pain sometimes come through in their posts. So don't be too distressed by harsh pronouncements and judgments - listen to everything, but make your own decisions about what's best in your unique situation.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

lizwig

Thank you Seeking Growth....your post really spoke to me today. My son is also my qualifier and I did all I could to "help"him. I think I became as addicted to his chaos as he was to his doc. It still doesn't feel natural to not want to help him....but I will give him the respect to do for himself what I know he can do....if he wants it badly enough. And yes, I think the original poster would find great support on the friends and family forums. Make it s great day!

happycampers

Great post, SeekingGrowth ! Thank you for sharing your experience !