Pia

I am having a horrible horrible day.

I cried first thing in the morning.
Went to the gym with swollen face came home and it is now 230pm and I just crawled back out of bed.
I feel like I am going through this from day 1 again.
I have been listening to my codependence audible since the gym.

I feel like a train has hit me all over again.
I don't understand what is triggering it.
I feel like such a loser. I didn't even realize it was already Saturday and of course another holiday. I am not big into Holidays but seeing all the neighbors with there familys make me so sad. I don't have $ for gas to see any friends or family.

Mango blast

((((Radiant))))

I've been having a rough morning and had to get out of the house since I was triggering. I loaded up garbage and went to the dump. Music blasting (changing stations with any drinking or sappy song), window down, and eventually started thinking about what I can do instead of being stuck with the voices in my head. Big things like where I can live if I need to, what will I do for work, etc. Little things like how I can make the next hour or two a little better for me. I was doing much better until I went by the neighbor's with a ton of vehicles and people having a big to-do in the yard. Not a drunk-fest, a get-together. And I felt so left out. Of that, of life. We've never really been invited many places, I don't know yet how to develop friendships (this will come! I am going to work on this) and the few things we did go to had drinking involved so I always backed away from those. I've closed myself off and don't quite know yet how to get involved in life. Baby steps. Instead of thinking about the neighbors, I need to keep to what I can do right here and now.

Sending lots of good wishes your way this weekend.
This thread has a bunch of good ideas, including being easy on yourself and letting it be. Read the post by lillamy, in particular.

Pia

Thank you keepingthefaith- I will read the thread you included. I took a vitamin d pill I am hoping that might help something.
I have been putting job applications everywhere. I got a job as a housecleaner 2 days a week yippie. I decided to get out of accounting and that is where I landed. I just want to work. I had to drive by starbucks after the gym and can't even afford a cup of coffee. I feel so pathetic. While AH can spend his whole check to himself.

Ofelie

Yep, I will join you guys. Not doing any better than y'all are. That poem of his has just stuck in my head, triggered everything all over, and now the whole damn thing is restarted. The worrying, the fear, the questioning myself, the longing, the sadness, the anger, etc. Its a beautiful day outside, and I just feel like hiding under my desk and shutting out the world. Don't worry, I am still no contact but I am derailed again. I know, it goes in waves, and I know it'll pass. Right now it feels fresh and raw again though.

Back to one minute at a time I guess. We all need a big group hug.

Mango blast

You are not pathetic or a loser! Is that a knee-jerk reaction, are you in a bad place mentally, or ?
Even if you're feeling like that, do you know logically that it's not true? Valid things to think through.

I feel it. I've been in similar situations. Yet all I have the resources to focus on right now is taking care of me, each hour, each day.

If you really want to see friends or family, is there someone you could call to pick you up? Knowing I have choices is big for me, even if it's ones I don't particularly like or decide to do.

Ofelie (((hugs))) for you too!

Pia

I'm so sorry Ofelie sending you hugs and a half smile. When I get the other half I will give it to you too. I am so proud of you that you are still going NO Contact. Keep up the good work even though you aren't feeling so happy today.
It is gorgeous outside. I hope the day hurry ups and ends. Unfortunately I slept so much I have a headache now yikes.

embraced2000

take your power back. be selfish with it, for it belongs to you.

you can decide how to use this day, just like the alcoholic can decide to drink or not to drink.

make the decision to reclaim your power.

I am now off from the soapbox.

reclaim what is left of the day, and make it yours. focus on what you have and not what you have not.

Pia

Thankyou- But no my only friend is dealing with a husband who needs her this weekend and I live an hour away from family and they won't come get me my parents are elderly. I called earlier to see if MOM could give me some gas $$ but she didn't answer.

I don't have a big family or anything.

Ofelie

Yep, I am still no contact, cuz there is nothing left to say that I haven't already said and none of it ever made a damn difference. No point in just repeating myself to a blank wall. What do they say in Scotland? Save your breath to cool your porridge? Something like that. Anyway, I am also wishing the day would just hurry up and end, though I have no clue what its like to sleep too much, and nighttime really isn't any different for me, except its dark outside. I gave up sleeping ages ago. My son pointed out that hey, it could be much worse, my mom could show up unexpectedly. I really hate holidays. Hugs, everyone. Sorry for the pity party.

dandylion

I need to join you guys.....I have also tried to stay very busy...with tears streaming down the entire day!!

Just knowing that you guys are here and understand the pain....it brings me some comfort...

We do need a great big group hug!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

horsegirl

A little sad and longing for something that never was nor could be today. I am right there with you all. I pray for peace tonight

Pia

If things can't get any worse today he shows up out the blue with pizza.

He wants to talk about finances. now what. Can he sense that I was miserable. I can't stand him.

mejo

Of course he can. They are good at that. I remember when my husband and I were separated once, he would always show up on my worse days. Then when I started to move on, he knew that too. I let him walk back into my life and destroy all recovery. I regret that everyday. I am so mentally screwed up now more that ever. That was 8 years ago. Sending prayers your way.

Pia

I am so sorry mejo- How can they sense it arggg. Thank you for telling me your story I am trying my hardest to think about everything everyone has told me and read. I think it is making it harder bc he isn't talking about getting back together. I don't know why that is so hard that I am NOT hearing that.
We have discussed finances to death I don't know why he is here nor am I asking im just letting him talk and say thank you, thank you, ok , yes

Pia

Sending hugs dandylion!!!

mejo

You're welcome. However, I think he is there because he wants to come back, he just wants you to say it. I begged every time he showed up. He always said no, until I moved on. He no longer had my power. But he managed to say all the right things to get me back. So dumb!! We are still married. He is in treatment now, but if I could do it all over again, never. Pray. Pray for strength. You can get through this. And when you do, you will be my inspiration when I need it.

Pia

I believe every word you said. Your right before I did the same thing.Now I know what he is all about I am not about to. Before I learned he was a hiding alcoholic and addict I would break up with him and then take him back. But after everything came out nope. I'm just having a bad day. He keeps asking me if i'm ok? Not once has he said he misses me or our family and now he wont leave. argghhh

But I believe what you said and the outcome will only be bad if I cave. Thank you again

Mango blast

Happy Easter, Radiant. I hope the new day brings you some peace and maybe even a smile. I know how precious those can be. Be kind to yourself today.

LoveMeNow

Today was a very hard day for me too and I am not sure why?? Maybe because it's Easter and I am alone. In the past, I always looked forward to sunrise services on the beach. This year, I will not be going.

Keeping us all in my prayers. I know this will pass and someday we will all be happy and healthy.

Happy Easter!!

Thinking

I'm so sorry all of you are struggling. But we aren't alone because we can talk to each other here. I am so incredibly grateful that I found this forum. I wasn't brought up to be religious but I have started to wonder at the magic that found support for me when I needed it most. I hope that you all get comfort from the love and kindness here too. x