Trailsky

Ah and I are splitting for those that don't know. He has been out of the house for about 10 days now.

Grieving sucks. I can't stop crying. I know he is an A and I know this is the right choice but all I want to do is climb into his arms and hug him. This weekend is so freakin hard. It's a holiday and my family all lives far away. It's our anniversary. We were supposed to be off on vacation right now for a week to celebrate. Instead I am sitting at home alone crying. My family hasn't even called to check in all week.

All I felt was extreme anger for weeks and now all I feel is sadness for a relationship I hoped would change. I am thankful I don't have to go through his bs anymore. All the relapses, lying, manipulation, codependency merry go round I was on.

It's like I can't turn off the pain. I go to the gym and tears are streaming down my face, I hear a song in the car and I cry. The reality is hitting HARD.

This is happening. I am on my own again. This time I have tools from al anon to work through being single and comfortable with it.

But at the end of the day. Today I am sad. I am grieving my marriage. I want the pain to stop. I don't know how long this lasts but I hope I work through this soon.

CodeJob

Trailsky, hugs to you today in your grief.

embraced2000

trailsky....sorry for your anguish.

when my fellow al-anonians would tell me....."ONE DAY AT A TIME', I would simply fold in, onto myself. I would think....ONE DAY MY A$$!!! ONE DAY!? HOW CAN I GET THROUGH ONE DAY???!!!! I AM DYYYYIIIINGGGGG HERE!!!!"

my grief was overwhelming, all consuming. my heart hurt so badly. actual, physical pain from the knotted feeling in my stomach, the constricted feeling of my throat, the irregular, pounding of my heart and the arteries in my neck

when people talk about "hurt feelings".....well, I discovered where the "feelings" are located.

I can sense from your post that you may be there also.

one day at a time was too big for me to handle at that time. I had to break it down into 5 minutes at a time.

i'm so sorry for your grief....it will get better in time. this too shall pass.

Mango blast

It's okay to cry and to grieve. It's the death of a lot of hopes, dreams and "what could have been". I'm still in my marriage and constantly have to fend those things off. All the plans we had, all the things we could have done. Instead, many years of dealing with this along with life flights and stays in the trauma ward. 47, more debt than income, a husband who's relapsing and conveniently, in his active alcoholic brain, has nixed all the things we had in place in case of a continuing relapse. A train wreck is coming and only he can choose to change directions onto another track. I can't do that for him. Kudos for you in doing what you need to for yourself.

I'm doing well now, taking care of me. That is in spite of everything else and I have to start fresh every day with working on it. It's hard to let go of what might have been.

Would a spa day or weekend help? Even a massage to work out some the physical stress might be good. Take care of eating well, as you're able to. Rest -- and yes, it's definitely okay to take things a few minutes at a time. (((hugs)))

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way. Just keep in mind that these feelings of loss won't last forever. You'll get through it. HUGS to you. xoxo

biminiblue

At one point during my breakup/divorce, early on - like the first couple weeks - I had to sit myself down with a piece of paper and a pen.

I couldn't stop the spinning thoughts. That's addiction calling to me. "Call him, you love him, it may get better." Ugh. So, I had to literally take it one minute at a time.

I started writing, "Eleven fifty seven," I wrote, "Eleven fifty seven," for one minute. Then I wrote, "Eleven fifty six," for one minute. After writing for a while I stopped being spun out.

That was the best I could do, and the best I could do worked.

Peace to you. Stay busy. Call someone who is supportive.

Faithhope21

I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. Things ended with my AGF last saturday when she almost killed herself. She is angry with me because i would not let her come home after such a horrid event. All i want to do is hug her and tell her that i love her and still believe that she can be well someday. One minute at a time is the best i can do right now as i feel like i have lost my best friend. God bless you

Chelsea1029

The grief is so hard. I agree with the others sometimes it's one minute at a time. It helped me to distract myself as much as possible during the worst times. I'm at three months...it does get easier - hang in there.

53500

The grief is horrible when a marriage ends even when you are the one who ends it. One minute at a time. It gets better!! Really. Absolutely. I've been through it too. It does not get better fast but it absolutely positively gets better. :hugs: to you.

Blueskies25

Hon, I can only send you hugs and tell you I felt exactly the same way you are feeling. I'm 8 months in and still have my moments but I do feel stronger, more peaceful, content and happier now too. My STBXAH has (as far as I can tell as we are no contact, any details for children done thru mediation service as there was dom abuse for which he was convicted) he has continued down his own route. Sacked from work, lost drivers license etc. I feel a little bit bad saying it but I'm glad I'm not sharing the crazy ride with him. It took me months to see how bad it had become and how exhausted I was. I suspect you'll feel the same and kindly suggest that you try to take the best care of yourself that you can. I know it's beyond painful but it will get easier. I truly feel your pain and am so sorry your feeling it. Allow yourself to grieve. It's a huge loss of dreams. Hugs.

Trailsky

Thank you for all the kind words. I just went outside to water the garden. That's about all I've done in the past eight hours LOL. It is really nice to get some virtual hugs and love from you. Thanks

Ofelie

Yes, its horribly difficult. It feels like you are being ripped apart...and sometimes it feels unbearable, and as if you will never...I mean ever...be able to stand and walk through a normal day again, because it feels like you will always be half bent over with the pain of those belly wracking sobs. It feels like its the end of everything and nothing happy or pretty or sunshiney will ever exist for you again, and it feels like failure a bit too. It sucks. I promise you this, I promise honey, it does get better. Really. But right now, you can just grieve. Grief is important, and I think maybe in our culture we no longer value it, we rush it. So don't. do. that. Let yourself grieve, let the tears flow, let the hurt come out. Stick to simple things, mindless things, like watering the garden, which I always find soothing. One day it will get easier. That pain, well it might not ever truly go away, mine hasn't, but somehow it becomes bearable. I think it might be like this: a long time ago I watched an Oprah show about how some woman was stabbed over 60 times by her boyfriend or someone, and she was conscious the whole time (ok yes, the woman suffered something way worse than the breakup of a marriage, I know). Oprah said, how did you bear the pain, how do you live through that and move forwad, because that woman didn't die, she survived it. She told Oprah that your body and your mind are very kind, and after the first few stabs she quit feeling any of it, even though it went on for some time, and her mind just sort of detached. I think maybe it could be similar. Its devastating, and it HURTS, it hurts beyond anything I have ever known. And on days where I felt like I should just lay down and give in and let go....it would get just a smidge easier. Its like...my brain finds a way to bear it, and slowly, minute by minute I find myself moving forward even without realizing it. I still don't know how I have, but...I have. Here I am, what, four and a half months in and the bleaker than bleak moments are few and far between. Things are simpler, calm, so peaceful. Occasionally even happy. It truly does take time to clear your head. In a few months you will look back at this and realize you did the right thing. That is something that I had EVERYONE repeat to me constantly at first...and today, after probably three weeks or so of not saying it, I had my kids say it...Mom you did the right thing. Of course you did. Because today is one of those bleak days, its been a few days of them, but the majority of the time I function just fine. Its like that mountain I keep saying we are all climbing. Sometimes your trail is going to be easy, and you will just walk along as you go up. Other times you are going to be hanging by your fingernails, slipping, sliding on your belly on gravel, searching for that next handhold or foothold, inching sideways, just surviving til you get a better grip. And sometimes you are going to slip and go backwards a bit before you find your foothold and start to go upwards again. I promise though, you will make it through this. You can do it. You are strong. You are making the right choice. We are all here backing you.

marie1960

I am very sorry to hear that you are hurting.

While it may not be of much consolation today, please know it can and will get easier.

Sometimes we just have to give time........... time.

Peace.