The One I Love is Gone
High Wire Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 87
The One I Love is Gone
I called Dr. Korman the next morning and asked if I could come and see him. He agreed to meet me at the office, right after his last class. I was waiting for him in the parking lot when he drove up.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I don't feel good," I sobbed like a four year old.
We went inside and sat there together in silence. I guess I was hoping he'd tell me what to say.
"You do realize that I can't tell you what to say," he reminded me. Well, so much for that.
"I'm sad," I told him.
"I know," he replied.
The minutes dragged. They moved so slow, I could almost see them.
"I think maybe I'm done." As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted what I'd said. It felt like I was jumping off a building in slow motion.
I drove to my first AA meeting that evening. The people there were nice. When it was time to introduce ourselves, I could barely say my name without crying. I compared my situation to each of theirs. No way, he'd understand what I'm going through. I'm definitely not like her. I judged everyone. The whole while, I kept wondering, How the **** am I gonna get out of this?
I went home and policed up some of the empty wine bottles and beer cans I'd stashed throughout the house. Dave held open a trash bag, and I kept filling it. He looked dismayed and somewhat relieved. "I'm not gonna drink no more," I swore to him.
I waited until he went to bed, and then, I got super high. As high as I could, short of stroking out. Everything about it sucked. My life had officially turned to ****.
*******
The next morning, Dr. Korman called to check on me.
"Did you get to the meeting?" he asked.
"I did." I was absolutely miserable. I was the unhappiest girl in the world. Still, I felt like I did something different for the first time in forever.
"Good. Go again today. Look for a sponsor."
"But I don't know anybody."
"It doesn't matter. They know you," he reassured me.
I hung up the phone and gave myself a boost. Getting high was really unpleasant without the drink. Needless to say, I missed the noon meeting but managed to make it to the one at 7:30. On the way there, I realized that I was coming up on two whole days without being drunk.
I'd been drinking for 20 years. Daily for at least ten, but more like thirteen. Every single day, there was a reason to get loaded. Without fail, I consistently had to put booze inside my body. We needed to be together, and I never questioned why. I didn't want to know. That night at the meeting, it dawned on me. Holy ****. It's because I'm an alcoholic. It was that easy. One simple admission.
This time when they went around the table, I told everybody my name and said something really important for the very first time. "I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic." It was the saddest I've ever felt in my whole life.
So I'll sigh, I'll cry. I'd even wanna die.
For the one I love has gone.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I don't feel good," I sobbed like a four year old.
We went inside and sat there together in silence. I guess I was hoping he'd tell me what to say.
"You do realize that I can't tell you what to say," he reminded me. Well, so much for that.
"I'm sad," I told him.
"I know," he replied.
The minutes dragged. They moved so slow, I could almost see them.
"I think maybe I'm done." As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted what I'd said. It felt like I was jumping off a building in slow motion.
I drove to my first AA meeting that evening. The people there were nice. When it was time to introduce ourselves, I could barely say my name without crying. I compared my situation to each of theirs. No way, he'd understand what I'm going through. I'm definitely not like her. I judged everyone. The whole while, I kept wondering, How the **** am I gonna get out of this?
I went home and policed up some of the empty wine bottles and beer cans I'd stashed throughout the house. Dave held open a trash bag, and I kept filling it. He looked dismayed and somewhat relieved. "I'm not gonna drink no more," I swore to him.
I waited until he went to bed, and then, I got super high. As high as I could, short of stroking out. Everything about it sucked. My life had officially turned to ****.
*******
The next morning, Dr. Korman called to check on me.
"Did you get to the meeting?" he asked.
"I did." I was absolutely miserable. I was the unhappiest girl in the world. Still, I felt like I did something different for the first time in forever.
"Good. Go again today. Look for a sponsor."
"But I don't know anybody."
"It doesn't matter. They know you," he reassured me.
I hung up the phone and gave myself a boost. Getting high was really unpleasant without the drink. Needless to say, I missed the noon meeting but managed to make it to the one at 7:30. On the way there, I realized that I was coming up on two whole days without being drunk.
I'd been drinking for 20 years. Daily for at least ten, but more like thirteen. Every single day, there was a reason to get loaded. Without fail, I consistently had to put booze inside my body. We needed to be together, and I never questioned why. I didn't want to know. That night at the meeting, it dawned on me. Holy ****. It's because I'm an alcoholic. It was that easy. One simple admission.
This time when they went around the table, I told everybody my name and said something really important for the very first time. "I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic." It was the saddest I've ever felt in my whole life.
So I'll sigh, I'll cry. I'd even wanna die.
For the one I love has gone.
Last edited by Dee74; 04-19-2014 at 04:16 AM. Reason: removed blog link
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I know you won't believe me now when I say this but hopefully one day soon you will.
There will be a day when you'll look back and think "how could I have ever thought he was the "one"? What did "my love" ever do for me? Why couldn't I see that it was a one-sided relationship? And why did I think so little of myself that I willingly hand over all of my self-esteem to my one love?
It is only now, that I've left my one love behind, that I truly know love. It is only now that I understand respect. It is only now that my love is gone that I was able to stop and get to know myself. And in doing so, I realize I was staring at my one love in the mirror the whole time and I never once stopped to appreciate how great she was.
There will be a day when you'll look back and think "how could I have ever thought he was the "one"? What did "my love" ever do for me? Why couldn't I see that it was a one-sided relationship? And why did I think so little of myself that I willingly hand over all of my self-esteem to my one love?
It is only now, that I've left my one love behind, that I truly know love. It is only now that I understand respect. It is only now that my love is gone that I was able to stop and get to know myself. And in doing so, I realize I was staring at my one love in the mirror the whole time and I never once stopped to appreciate how great she was.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
due to alcohol, my life had become complete misery whether drunk or not. at my 1st meeting, all I could say is,"im tom im an alcoholic and I cant take it any more." its all I could get out of me before breaking down crying.
after the fog started lifting a bit, I compared me to others. that one didn't have it as bad as me. that one had it way worse than me.
then I started listening to the thinking thing. I related to the one who didn't have it as bad as me and the one who had it worse.
"For the one I love has gone. "
yes, the one you love is gone, and it is you!
the great news,though, is that the program will help you find you and how to love yourself.
keep goin back. get a sponsor and the big book and start following the suggestions. you will get weller IF you put in the footwork.
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!
after the fog started lifting a bit, I compared me to others. that one didn't have it as bad as me. that one had it way worse than me.
then I started listening to the thinking thing. I related to the one who didn't have it as bad as me and the one who had it worse.
"For the one I love has gone. "
yes, the one you love is gone, and it is you!
the great news,though, is that the program will help you find you and how to love yourself.
keep goin back. get a sponsor and the big book and start following the suggestions. you will get weller IF you put in the footwork.
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!
High Wire Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 87
Thank you, everyone. This story is only a portion of my journey in recovery. I am sober thirteen years, one day at a time. I always findvit remarkable how vivid those feelings remain over the years. I am grate c.f. ul c.f. or the opportunity to tell my version and hear others, as well.
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