This is not PG. I was willing to believe things could be okay.
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This is not PG. I was willing to believe things could be okay.
Okay.
So I've tried to accept the past, try to figure out how to forgive & move on as long as he does his part, etc.
Well, I'm still checking his phone constantly.
Tonight I looked at his pages open for the internet, I never have before.
The 2 oldest pages are porn. He just got the smartphone 1 month ago today, clearly hasn't figured out how it all works to be stupid enough to leave that up.
I feel so stupid. and sick. and angry.
I woke him up, and asked him about it. He said he didn't want to talk about it now, but when I asked said he has not looked at it since we started having sex again, but I told him I have no reason to ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth again.
I'm trying to see if I can see dates on his browser history online now.
I do realize "What does it matter? If he did it yesterday or a month ago would you be any less angry/hurt?" No. Maybe. If this is all from the week he was at his moms, no contact from me, etc...I can understand it a little more. If this happened since I gave into him wanting sex (it wasn't much of a fight, I have been very very vocal for MONTHS about our lack of sex life, I needed it more than he did probably) Then it feels more personal. But, bottom line, it is still not acceptable.
I just don't know what to do now.
I haven't even cried yet, although I'm about to. I could have started the divorce paperwork 5 1/2 weeks ago. I did start the paperwork, I just stopped it right away.
I don't know. Porn to me is cheating. He pleasured himself looking at other women's bodies. I would NEVER do that to him.
I just feel so freaking stupid. and confused. I don't know. I've tolerated so much at this point. Do I let this FINALLY be the last straw??? Addiction is a disease, I keep being told. Fine I'll let him try to treat the disease!! But this is just blatant disrespect to me and to our wedding vows. I caught him looking at porn 3 years ago while I was pregnant before our wedding. I keep wishing I would have stood my ground then and left him and saved myself so much heartache.
**the only secret I have from him is this website. and I feel like that is an okay thing. I need support, and I want to be able to say what I need to without him ever seeing it. Yet I have taken away any right to privacy he should have. But he lied to me, realistically, since before we were married. I can't bring myself to feel too badly about violating his privacy as much as I possibly can. Although I do accept that it makes me a hypocrite for believing I deserve my privacy. I would not appreciate him going through my phone, although there is nothing in there that is wrong besides texts to family members expressing my opinions of his dad, things of that nature.
So I've tried to accept the past, try to figure out how to forgive & move on as long as he does his part, etc.
Well, I'm still checking his phone constantly.
Tonight I looked at his pages open for the internet, I never have before.
The 2 oldest pages are porn. He just got the smartphone 1 month ago today, clearly hasn't figured out how it all works to be stupid enough to leave that up.
I feel so stupid. and sick. and angry.
I woke him up, and asked him about it. He said he didn't want to talk about it now, but when I asked said he has not looked at it since we started having sex again, but I told him I have no reason to ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth again.
I'm trying to see if I can see dates on his browser history online now.
I do realize "What does it matter? If he did it yesterday or a month ago would you be any less angry/hurt?" No. Maybe. If this is all from the week he was at his moms, no contact from me, etc...I can understand it a little more. If this happened since I gave into him wanting sex (it wasn't much of a fight, I have been very very vocal for MONTHS about our lack of sex life, I needed it more than he did probably) Then it feels more personal. But, bottom line, it is still not acceptable.
I just don't know what to do now.
I haven't even cried yet, although I'm about to. I could have started the divorce paperwork 5 1/2 weeks ago. I did start the paperwork, I just stopped it right away.
I don't know. Porn to me is cheating. He pleasured himself looking at other women's bodies. I would NEVER do that to him.
I just feel so freaking stupid. and confused. I don't know. I've tolerated so much at this point. Do I let this FINALLY be the last straw??? Addiction is a disease, I keep being told. Fine I'll let him try to treat the disease!! But this is just blatant disrespect to me and to our wedding vows. I caught him looking at porn 3 years ago while I was pregnant before our wedding. I keep wishing I would have stood my ground then and left him and saved myself so much heartache.
**the only secret I have from him is this website. and I feel like that is an okay thing. I need support, and I want to be able to say what I need to without him ever seeing it. Yet I have taken away any right to privacy he should have. But he lied to me, realistically, since before we were married. I can't bring myself to feel too badly about violating his privacy as much as I possibly can. Although I do accept that it makes me a hypocrite for believing I deserve my privacy. I would not appreciate him going through my phone, although there is nothing in there that is wrong besides texts to family members expressing my opinions of his dad, things of that nature.
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I think the best thing to do is just talk about it.an explain why it hurts you. But you have to do it calmly if your just yelling nothing will get solved. Trust me go about it in a calm way he will hear you a lot better. An talk to him about solutions
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He knows my feelings on it though. He has known that for, I've known him 5 1/2 years now, so for at least 4 he has known exactly how I feel.
Why would it be easier to leave him if he actually touched another woman? He mentally cheated on me, that is enough to show me his lack of respect, I don't know why I can't just pack his things now and tell him good luck with his life, he can't be a part of mine anymore.
Why would it be easier to leave him if he actually touched another woman? He mentally cheated on me, that is enough to show me his lack of respect, I don't know why I can't just pack his things now and tell him good luck with his life, he can't be a part of mine anymore.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Did you know opiates decrease a sex drive, which is why he probably never wanted sex? It wasn't personal. It was just another "side effect" of his addiction.
Many addicts have several addictions. I would be very concerned if he is looking at porn too. Porn addiction is just as serious as any other addiction. You may want to google it.
Many addicts have several addictions. I would be very concerned if he is looking at porn too. Porn addiction is just as serious as any other addiction. You may want to google it.
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I know LMN, as far as the decreased sex drive. I was glad to learn that because I was struggling so much those first several months. Then I realized the addiction, accepted sex was out of the picture till that got under control, he was sober for a wk & a half I think when we had sex again, the drive had come back.
He got in trouble the other day when I found a lottery ticket in his pocket.
He got mad when I told him he probably shouldn't get his 30 day chip from AA since he has drank at least 3 beers since being sober from narcotics (1 beer each time on separate occasions).
"I have an opiate addiction, not an alcohol problem. I just like the taste of beer"
He's flirting with every possible kind of addiction. Can't have his pills/heroin, gotta have a little of everything else.
Maybe leaving him over porn is harder because I can tell his mom I'm leaving because he's doing heroin, but how do I say I'm leaving him because he was looking at porn?? I know I don't have to give any reason at all, but, still.
Part of me wants to move our marital counseling up to monday instead of wednesday. But I feel like the smart decision is just to accept this marriage is not worth fighting for. He is not worth it. I want him to be worth it so f*cking badly, but he keeps proving to me that he is not and is not going to get any better. Even if he never touches a pill or heroin again, I still deserve better than what he is going to be.
He got in trouble the other day when I found a lottery ticket in his pocket.
He got mad when I told him he probably shouldn't get his 30 day chip from AA since he has drank at least 3 beers since being sober from narcotics (1 beer each time on separate occasions).
"I have an opiate addiction, not an alcohol problem. I just like the taste of beer"
He's flirting with every possible kind of addiction. Can't have his pills/heroin, gotta have a little of everything else.
Maybe leaving him over porn is harder because I can tell his mom I'm leaving because he's doing heroin, but how do I say I'm leaving him because he was looking at porn?? I know I don't have to give any reason at all, but, still.
Part of me wants to move our marital counseling up to monday instead of wednesday. But I feel like the smart decision is just to accept this marriage is not worth fighting for. He is not worth it. I want him to be worth it so f*cking badly, but he keeps proving to me that he is not and is not going to get any better. Even if he never touches a pill or heroin again, I still deserve better than what he is going to be.
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Tony, he knows to me looking at porn is cheating. I offered to let him take pics of me during my 1st pregnancy & after so that he could have a visual if I wasn't available to him and he was not interested. I'm human, I have a sex drive, he hasn't for months- I pleasure myself to thoughts of him. No one else. I've thought about it-and I know that I would be cheating on him if I did give into that thought. He was looking at porn while completely sober, so he ought to have been able to use his brain just enough to realize that to me, he was cheating.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by TonyReeceAustin 
But he may not even understand why it is now something he drifts toward. For a man this whole area can cause us shame so much
Maybe it would be a good idea to work your own recovery as opposed to
justifying unacceptable behaviors.
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IMO, he is not clean and sober. His addiction is still driving the bus. Reason enough to leave, if YOU want.
Suboxone is not a cure all. It is just a tool. Personally, I still wouldn't want my husband back if that was his only "recovery" method and tool.
Ps. My husband was obnoxious about his lottery tickets. It was obvious that was an issue too. When he got clean, he stopped it. Also, there seems to be something about scratch tickets and opiate addicts. Seen and read it so many times.
Suboxone is not a cure all. It is just a tool. Personally, I still wouldn't want my husband back if that was his only "recovery" method and tool.
Ps. My husband was obnoxious about his lottery tickets. It was obvious that was an issue too. When he got clean, he stopped it. Also, there seems to be something about scratch tickets and opiate addicts. Seen and read it so many times.
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I know. I just know that my own recovery has to involve him being out of my life. and i don't want that to be the answer. but I can't make him care about me & our life together, and he keeps making choices that show he isn't capable of doing that.
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Like you and so many others, I let my husband come home too when he decided to work his recovery. Experienced posters told me it was a bad idea. I didn't listen!! I still suffered from being terminally unique. Two years later, my husband is not in recovery any more....to my knowledge. If he is, he just "trying" which means nothing to me now.
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Ha, I actually did not let my husband come home. On a Sunday we talked about when he could, I told him we would talk again when he started working. He graduated his treatment program on a Monday, talked to his job on Tuesday, came home w/ all his stuff in the car Tuesday night, and started work Wednesday morning. He seemed surprised when I slept in the spare room a few days later & told him that I wasn't ready for him to move back home. I've slept in the spare room sporadically since he moved back in. I'll be in there tonight for sure if I manage to sleep.
Even if he wouldn't have moved back in though, what difference would it have made. He did this before he was back in the house. If he wasn't back, I would have less opportunity to go through his phone all the time, so I wouldn't have seen this, so I would think he was actually trying to save himself, and our marriage in the process. And he had way more opportunity to look at porn while not at home.
He is such a POS.
Even if he wouldn't have moved back in though, what difference would it have made. He did this before he was back in the house. If he wasn't back, I would have less opportunity to go through his phone all the time, so I wouldn't have seen this, so I would think he was actually trying to save himself, and our marriage in the process. And he had way more opportunity to look at porn while not at home.
He is such a POS.
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I think when they are allowed to come home, most start looking for that angle. Part of the thrill is to do it and not get caught. Oh, I hate addiction.
I am sorry Sadwife. I know how painful this all is. I honestly do. You are a smart woman, a loving mother and deserve so much better. We all do.
I am sorry Sadwife. I know how painful this all is. I honestly do. You are a smart woman, a loving mother and deserve so much better. We all do.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by SadWife7
Ha, I actually did not let my husband come home. On a Sunday we talked about when he could, I told him we would talk again when he started working. He graduated his treatment program on a Monday, talked to his job on Tuesday, came home w/ all his stuff in the car Tuesday night, and started work Wednesday morning. He seemed surprised when I slept in the spare room a few days later & told him that I wasn't ready for him to move back home. I've slept in the spare room sporadically since he moved back in. I'll be in there tonight for sure if I manage to sleep.
Even if he wouldn't have moved back in though, what difference would it have made. He did this before he was back in the house. If he wasn't back, I would have less opportunity to go through his phone all the time, so I wouldn't have seen this, so I would think he was actually trying to save himself, and our marriage in the process. And he had way more opportunity to look at porn while not at home.
He is such a POS.
Even if he wouldn't have moved back in though, what difference would it have made. He did this before he was back in the house. If he wasn't back, I would have less opportunity to go through his phone all the time, so I wouldn't have seen this, so I would think he was actually trying to save himself, and our marriage in the process. And he had way more opportunity to look at porn while not at home.
He is such a POS.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Sadwife,
I saw your earlier thread and was going to reply there; about how the two of your are working so very hard, your little one is off schedule, lack of time together... early recovery can be difficult for both people. My husband came home right after his rehab and I have no regrets over the decision. I think in a way it gave us a chance to face obstacle's and become stronger. We did however use marriage counseling and it was a big help with communication.
These are just my opinions... I wouldn't assume at this point he has a serious porn addiction, but its clear you have stated your feelings to him in the past regarding this issue, and you have every right to your feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger.
I would suggest venting those feelings, and then when your both calm talk to him about it, let him talk to you. In my opinion good marriages have to rely on open communication; if he is willing to be honest then maybe something can be salvaged? One month off opiates, my husband was going through a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. Im not trying to defend your husband, but only suggesting that you talk about it together, then talk about it more in your marriage counseling session next week.
Im sorry your going through so much right now. In your earlier post I was reading, it sounded like the two of you were making progress, working together in terms of getting your baby on a schedule, recovery work. Im sure this new discovery came as a very big shock to you.
I hope the hits on his phone were old, while you were apart... at least. But whatever happens, know we care about you here on SR and want you to find happiness.
I saw your earlier thread and was going to reply there; about how the two of your are working so very hard, your little one is off schedule, lack of time together... early recovery can be difficult for both people. My husband came home right after his rehab and I have no regrets over the decision. I think in a way it gave us a chance to face obstacle's and become stronger. We did however use marriage counseling and it was a big help with communication.
These are just my opinions... I wouldn't assume at this point he has a serious porn addiction, but its clear you have stated your feelings to him in the past regarding this issue, and you have every right to your feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger.
I would suggest venting those feelings, and then when your both calm talk to him about it, let him talk to you. In my opinion good marriages have to rely on open communication; if he is willing to be honest then maybe something can be salvaged? One month off opiates, my husband was going through a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. Im not trying to defend your husband, but only suggesting that you talk about it together, then talk about it more in your marriage counseling session next week.
Im sorry your going through so much right now. In your earlier post I was reading, it sounded like the two of you were making progress, working together in terms of getting your baby on a schedule, recovery work. Im sure this new discovery came as a very big shock to you.
I hope the hits on his phone were old, while you were apart... at least. But whatever happens, know we care about you here on SR and want you to find happiness.
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Originally Posted by SadWife7
I know LMN, as far as the decreased sex drive. I was glad to learn that because I was struggling so much those first several months. Then I realized the addiction, accepted sex was out of the picture till that got under control, he was sober for a wk & a half I think when we had sex again, the drive had come back.
He got in trouble the other day when I found a lottery ticket in his pocket.
He got mad when I told him he probably shouldn't get his 30 day chip from AA since he has drank at least 3 beers since being sober from narcotics (1 beer each time on separate occasions).
"I have an opiate addiction, not an alcohol problem. I just like the taste of beer"
He's flirting with every possible kind of addiction. Can't have his pills/heroin, gotta have a little of everything else.
Maybe leaving him over porn is harder because I can tell his mom I'm leaving because he's doing heroin, but how do I say I'm leaving him because he was looking at porn?? I know I don't have to give any reason at all, but, still.
Part of me wants to move our marital counseling up to monday instead of wednesday. But I feel like the smart decision is just to accept this marriage is not worth fighting for. He is not worth it. I want him to be worth it so f*cking badly, but he keeps proving to me that he is not and is not going to get any better. Even if he never touches a pill or heroin again, I still deserve better than what he is going to be.
He got in trouble the other day when I found a lottery ticket in his pocket.
He got mad when I told him he probably shouldn't get his 30 day chip from AA since he has drank at least 3 beers since being sober from narcotics (1 beer each time on separate occasions).
"I have an opiate addiction, not an alcohol problem. I just like the taste of beer"
He's flirting with every possible kind of addiction. Can't have his pills/heroin, gotta have a little of everything else.
Maybe leaving him over porn is harder because I can tell his mom I'm leaving because he's doing heroin, but how do I say I'm leaving him because he was looking at porn?? I know I don't have to give any reason at all, but, still.
Part of me wants to move our marital counseling up to monday instead of wednesday. But I feel like the smart decision is just to accept this marriage is not worth fighting for. He is not worth it. I want him to be worth it so f*cking badly, but he keeps proving to me that he is not and is not going to get any better. Even if he never touches a pill or heroin again, I still deserve better than what he is going to be.
Many go to meetings high and/or drink. Meetings do not keep them clean. It's only a tool for someone who is highly motivated to work the program and stay clean. I share this because I fell into a false sense of security because my husband attended meetings daily, met with his sponsor, was doing step work and had already relapsed. He had just gone off of suboxone, had terrible withdrawals and wasn't ready to fight a good fight against the call of the drugs, his mistress.
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Sadwife, I hear the pain in your posts and I am so sorry you are going through all this. For a whole lot of reasons, porn is not okay in my house either...and my husband doesn't drink or drug (my son is my addicted loved one).
My point is, WE get to decide what is okay in our relationships and what is not. We cannot make people change, not even those drawn to porn, but if we have to constantly fight to keep the peace and keep the unacceptable out of our lives, it just may be time to make space in our lives for our own values, our own peace, our own freedom from constantly debating what is important to our lives and relationships...porn is unacceptable...drugs are unacceptable...anything less than a healthy relationship is unacceptable.
We get to set the bar and be okay with our values and choices. We get to decide what works for us in a relationship and we don't have to compromise or accept sorry excuses.
You deserve better than this, you deserve a happy, peaceful life. Your feelings are valid, your choices are your own to make. I hope you find your peace soon.
Hugs
My point is, WE get to decide what is okay in our relationships and what is not. We cannot make people change, not even those drawn to porn, but if we have to constantly fight to keep the peace and keep the unacceptable out of our lives, it just may be time to make space in our lives for our own values, our own peace, our own freedom from constantly debating what is important to our lives and relationships...porn is unacceptable...drugs are unacceptable...anything less than a healthy relationship is unacceptable.
We get to set the bar and be okay with our values and choices. We get to decide what works for us in a relationship and we don't have to compromise or accept sorry excuses.
You deserve better than this, you deserve a happy, peaceful life. Your feelings are valid, your choices are your own to make. I hope you find your peace soon.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 04-19-2014 at 10:27 AM.
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