choublak

It's in July, in Cabo (Mexico), and I don't want to go. Both my parents will be there. They are divorced. My dad had a long-term affair with a girl younger than both me and my brother, for a few years he would go back and fourth between this girl and my mom (all the while lying to my mom), my mom finally had enough, filed for divorce, had to get a restraining order against my dad because he wouldn't leave her alone...I don't think he ever really got the message that my mom just wants to be left alone. Anyway, he's been bothering ME lately, about the wedding, like he texted me today asking me what hotel my mom is staying in, he wanted to know so that he didn't book at the same hotel because he doesn't want to make my mom uncomfortable. I feel like he's planning something, like this is his "big chance" to talk to my mom or something. Either that, or he's going to bring Britney (the mistress/girlfriend) with him.

I don't know why my brother even invited him, honestly. I don't even want to go anymore, and I'm not sure I ever really did.

Mango blast

Destination weddings are easy to send regrets for not being able to go, and good wishes for the couple. The other way I might approach it is to plan my own vacation, show up for the day for the ceremony and then be on my way. No matter what, take care of you first and foremost.

Maybe use a planned response anytime your dad texts you with something you'd rather stay out of?

choublak

I'm kind of expected to go...my mom is paying for my ticket...I feel if I tell her that I don't want to go, I'll get some sort of response like, "you have to go, he's your brother".

PurpleWilder

As my old Alanon sponsor used to say, "The only things in life you HAVE to do are die and pay taxes!"

Have you talked to your brother about this? Does he understand your feelings on the matter? Because ultimately, this is HIS big deal, not your mom or your dad's. Whether or not you go is between you and him.

choublak

My boyfriend says I'm being ridiculous.

Am I?

FeelingGreat

Hey Choublak, you're trying to avoid some trauma that happened to the younger you. But you're a big girl now.

I assume you've told your mother about your dad getting in touch with you re where she's staying? OK, well it's your mother's problem now and I'm quite sure she can cope with it so you don't have to take it on. It's between them; who knows it might even be a chance for old scores to be put aside.
If Britney goes, sort out your attitude to her in advance so you're not taken by surprise. Once again, you don't have to be anyone's best friend but you're an adult now and you know how to be civilised for your brother's sake.
Your boyfriend might be a little blunt but he's probably saying: you're up for this, you don't have to fight anyone else's battles for them and your mature enough to put the past in it's place.
Remember it's about your brother, not you or your parents.

redatlanta

I don't think you are being ridiculous because this has been a lot for you to deal with. What I think is that this should be something that you are able to go to and enjoy and what's happening in your Dad is (once again) causing problems.

Its kind of like why does everyone have to suffer because the A gets drunk on vacation?

If you see this as being nothing but drama for you then don't go.

If you can handle some things beforehand to make it a pleasant experience then go. I would start with telling Dad not to ever ask me anything about my mother again. Your brother should have taken care of those arrangements if he was inviting both to make sure they were in separate hotels.

Like feeliggreat said - I would distance myself from any drama. Go and enjoy and if things get funky then go somewhere else.

Why should YOU not get to see your brother get married because of your PARENTS issues?

jacrazz

^^^Oh, to be a grown up....This is how it's done! But who has that kind of courage? I sure hope I get there one day! Feeling Great sounds like she knows a little something about it!

choublak

This is fairly recent, not some trauma that happened when I was a small child.

And no, I haven't told my mother. She has clearly asked me not to tell her anything about him.

readerbaby71

Talk to your brother about it. I know it's stressful and difficult to detach, but what goes on between your mom and dad is their business and responsibility, not yours. I have a similar thing with my parents that is just annoying. I don't think you're being ridiculous, but I do think supporting your brother and celebrating his marriage is important.

choublak

They're doing this destination wedding thing so they can save money. So, the guests have to make arrangements and pay for everything themselves.

huntingtontx

What ever you choose to do, remember it is your choice. You brother will be just as married whether you are there or not. If you want to go, then go. If not, your choice. Just because your mom paid your way does not mean you have to go. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

choublak

There's nothing going on "between them" except for the fact that my dad won't leave my mom alone. I see your point though.

CodeJob

Hi Choublak, my H and I had a command performance at a wedding eons ago. We did plan a vacation after the event and found it very nice to slip off after meeting that obligation. The event was actually not as bad as I thought it would be in my head. I was still hurt and displaced, but had a riot at the reception dancing like a madwoman. I made the best of it. It was not my day to shine, but I did show up.

MesaMan

'Ms. Choublak? Paging Ms. Choublak. Please come to the White Paging Telephone. Your Baggage is waiting'.

Man, the main bummer in this Story is that it's not atypical. At my advanced age, I don't 'do' obligatory stuff unless I can really get my Head clear in advance. I just hate being stuck in such situations, and then P.O.ed at my Spine-less self. Meanwhile, I feel like Charlie Brown. I've run up and kicked the proverbial Football one more time. Do I never learn? If there's a daunting 'Trigger' for me to start pounding again, this is it: being stuck and regretting it while miserable.

I've put pending Cruise Ship ideas and hosting 'large' Dinners on hold for now, since this Monday is 'only' my 100th day Sober. It's all getting better, but that is the case only because I'm not giving in to old Triggers that fuel resentment.

Cabo is a way fun place, but Drinking is everywhere. Folks are going there for major Escapism. So, it's a stilted Bell Curve of not only Drinkers, but of Folks there to drink with a vengeance. My Wife tells laughingly of a week there with a Gal Pal. They wound up back at their Hotel, passed out with their Sun Dresses up over their Heads. She had 3 Henna Tattoos she barely recalls getting at 'The Office' [a legendary Bar]. The next night, the Locals were saying 'Hey, it's Tattoo Lady'! She's toned down that craziness some. Me, I was mainly concerned about them being 'delivered' by a corrupt Taxi Driver out to some Sand Dune to get Gang Banged once hammered. Not good. Robberies and similar Crimes during ambushes while driving rented 4x4s are old news down there. And, this is back before Cartel Crime was as widespread as today.

There's a very old Psych trick. Get a Coin to toss. Assign one outcome to 'Heads' [attending the Wedding], and the opposite outcome to 'Tails' [not attending the Wedding]. Flip the Coin. Even though it's you assigning these 2 outcomes to the Coin sides, there's an interesting dynamic. At the top of the Coin Toss, your Subconscious will wish for either Heads or Tails. This lil trick tells you which outcome you secretly want, and which outcome you should go with. The 'subliminal' language of your Post tells me, anyway, which outcome you already want.

At the very least, think through some major Escape Strategies for those Meals [with Drinking] you'll have to attend, and those Group Outings, etc.. Further, being funded by someone else, you'll be beholden to join such expected or forced participation, and likely unable to just wander off independently to keep your Head/Sober POV intact, so to speak. 'CodeJob' had the freedom to wander about, as posted above. That would be key for me to cope and remain Sober.

Your BF's POV is worth consideration, but it ain't you! Only you can speak for you, and how good/bad this potential Weekend Bender is going be in terms of a challenge.

choublak

I'm more worried about my dad stalking me than any of the party stuff.

Stung

I think Feeling Great has the "right" answer but I tend to agree with Mesa Man. I just don't do things that I don't want to do anymore (I'm exercising my right to have a beachy Easter tomorrow with my kids, suck it expectations!!). Albeit, your brother's wedding is kind of a big event, especially if you're close with him. That said, weddings are drama regardless if they're local or destination.

Tell your dad to call your brother regarding your mom's hotel arrangements. He's trying to triangulate you into something that has nothing to do with you. Also, I'm very sorry that your dad was unfaithful to your mom but she's a big girl too and can tell your dad to F Off if she doesn't want to talk to him. That'll spare you this awkward relationship of being the go between for two grown ass adults.

readerbaby71

This is a good opportunity to for you to make your boundaries with your father clear. It's hard, I know.

choublak

My brother lives in California, and my mom and I (and my dad) live on the East Coast. My brother has more or less become part of his fiance's family.

My dad doesn't listen. At all. I told him to call my brother. He's not going to. I'm thinking maybe he already tried the same thing with my brother and he told my dad no, so now he's trying to go through me.

My mom has told my dad to F off, to leave her alone, has had a restraining order on him, etc., the restraining order worked, but then he goes and dumps all this stuff on me.

I've told my dad not to bring up my mom. He does it anyway.

I know some people on here will say I'm "allowing" him to do this, but you know what, I really don't want to hear that today.

choublak

That doesn't work with him. I have tried.