amy55

I don't know why this triggered something in me. I see him sitting on the bench, waiting for the bus, talking about all the things that happened in his life, and sometimes I think I can see me doing that also. I can talk about a lot of things, as long as I can disassociate myself from them, distance myself. It's like I'm not there, I am just seeing things played out in my head.

Sorry for posting so much recently, think my mind is just really messed up right now.

biminiblue

Oh, honey.

Forest Gump is a tough movie. I was a teen in those years in the 70s and had a lot of issues back then due to my traumatic events in my life.

I can watch it now, but it is a tough movie to watch with all the heavy issues it covers.

I always feel for Jenny, she reminds me so much of myself.

biminiblue

Great soundtrack, though!


You'll work through this, I promise. You are safe now.

amy55

Soundtrack is great, I love Jenny, I love his commanding officer. I really do feel that I am having a breakdown tonight.

biminiblue

What's going on?

amy55

I see you just started here last month, so perhaps, you haven't been reading my threads. My son uninvited me to his weddings. I had sent him an email last week just saying that I loved him, and really wanted to be with him on that special day. I tried calling him yesterday. He wouldn't answer. I left a message saying the same thing.

I hate this, I really do. My mom will be calling me 2moro, I promised her I would make things better. She won't go to the wedding if I don't go. She is 82. This BS going on in my family is going to kill her.

biminiblue

Oh, yeah, I did read part of that thread.

Weddings should be outlawed LOL. They cause so much family drama.

If your son doesn't want you there, there is nothing you can do about that. You made the effort, it's in his court now.

Your mom has to deal in her own way, you can't do it for her.

Accepting that you don't have the power to "make things better" is all the power you have.

amy55

Thanks, I did try the best that I could. it was over a stupid d@mn xmas holiday thing. but that is what my fights with my kids are about. Then I am told I am putting myself on the cross, in other words, I can't have feelings.

I have let everything go today, just think that I am feeling really bad about this. I hate that my son is going to possibly not have a good wedding. Me not invited, means my mom doesn't go, which means my sisters won't go, which means their children won't go. And I can't say this to my son, I can't tell him about the domino effect. I did what I could. That's all I can do.

biminiblue

Yeah, Christmas should be outlawed, too. That is the biggest drama day of the year, right? All the lead up stress, the money, the drinking, the scheduling snafus.

Recipe for trouble! I don't have any family living anymore. When I feel sorry for myself, I try to remember these types of conversations.

Someone said recently, "Family would be great if it wasn't for the people."

He may have a good wedding, he may not. It's his wedding, though.

amy55

You're right, I did what I could do. I can't do anything else. My hands are tied.

HealingWillCome

Do you do any journaling, Amy? Maybe writing it all down or putting it in a private blog would be similar to this:

Something else jumped out at me when I read this:

It made me think of the book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. She recommends some exercises that allow you to turn that kind of disassociation into some really powerful healing techniques. It's good stuff. You have experienced some pretty traumatic separation from loved ones. That's really what this book addresses. Abandonment can come in many forms at any stage of life. It's about the loss of love. I am praying for your healing, Amy.

amy55

HealingWillCome, I know I was thinking those words, I was feelings those words, but I don't feel like it was me that posted that. Wow, does that mean that I am really screwed up?

I know sometimes when I post to someone, I have to put myself back in time, in the time that I was going through what someone else is going through now. I thought that was recovery.

I think most of the time I am in the present, I do think that I am still in denial of the past. I think I tried to let things go, because they were too painful to think about.

I do think I need more work on myself, thank you for the book suggestion, I will get that.

I just want to be in the here and now.

HealingWillCome

I'm no expert on recovery, so I can't really answer your question, but I don't think you're any more screwed up than any of the rest of us who have been deeply hurt by people who should have been there for us.

I understand what you're saying about living in the present. It's a good place to be, but it's easier to be there when you're at peace with your past. I don't remember...are you seeing a therapist, or receiving any personal counseling?

amy55

I was seeing a therapist, I was taking meds, for anxiety and to sleep. I stopped all of that, I think I was ok, till this week. I really don't want my sons wedding to get messed up, and it will. Maybe I should take that back. I have anniversary dates where I also get like this.

amy55

This is starting to feel like a Ptsd momemt to me. I am distancing myself. I'm not here anymome. I am watching at a distance.

I had this happen to me at least 2 others times that I can recall

I remember going shopping, my ex hated it. All I can remember of that day was drowned out voices, and not wanting to go into stores.

Another time, my son had friends over, I was sleeping. I heard angry voices, I got up, went down the basement. I jumped in front of my son, I grabbed my daughter, put her in back of me. I would have killed anyone that tried to pass me.

I didn't remember this the next day. I was too busy with damage control, and taking care of my kids, and making them tea, and calming them down, I don't even remember anything else.

HealingWillCome

Your son's wedding situation is taking its toll on you. Can you do some good things for yourself again? Maybe schedule an appointment with your therapist?

We are a lot like the alcoholics we love. When we start to feel comfortable in our recovery, it's easy to back off, thinking we've got a handle on it. You seem to be easily triggered right now. I would really consider putting some focus back on you, your peace, your health. Start to recognize what you can and cannot control regarding your son's wedding. Anxieties about the situation might start to dissolve a bit.

HealingWillCome

Can you call your therapist, Amy?

amy55

I haven't seen a therapist since 2011. Right after my divorce. I joke a lot with my friend here that she is my therapist. She talks me off the cliff so many times, I think I need to relieve her of that. Most times, I am pretty easy to deal with, I don't think I am at this point. I'm usually in the here and now, right now, I don't think so.

FireSprite

That movie really has a way of bringing every emotion to the surface & wringing you dry by the end. We just watched Steel Magnolias last night & it has the same exact effect on me.

I don't think you're any more screwed up than the rest of us Amy, just going through a particularly difficult time right now. I think there's a word for the type of detachment you are describing, I just can't think of it right now.... it's like a self-preservation reaction that just kicks in with stress sometimes. Do you have any go-to tools that help at times like this, chamomile tea to calm your nerves or anything?

amy55

My only tools are drinking water, watching tv, taking valerian root, coming here, talking about how I feel, not going to the phone, not going to email, and try to go to sleep.