idledreamer

Hey there,

I've just realized over the past few weeks (while learning more about my ABF's high functioning alcoholism), that my mom is also a high functioning alcoholic. I actually used her as a reason why his drinking wasn't so bad when he warned me at the beginning of our relationship. The old "Oh my mom drinks after work every night too, that's totally normal, I don't know why it's a big deal!" excuse. Stupid, naive me.

But now that I have acknowledged it, I feel trapped. I don't think my brothers or dad have figured it out yet, but I want to talk with one of them about it. The kicker is, I haven't told them my BF is an alcoholic...and am kinda ashamed to admit it. Yet how can I point out the problems with her drinking without bringing it that up?

Have you been in a similar situation? How have you talked with siblings/other family members about a parent's alcoholism?

DoubleDragons

I came to terms that my mom is a full-blown alcoholic about a year ago. My sister agrees with me. I decided that I had unhealthy drinking patterns and I was afraid of progressing to my mom's level, so I quit drinking. My sister and her husband are heavy drinkers, although I am not sure that they are alcoholics. My father has admitted to me on more than one occasion that my mother is an alcoholic, but then it is like we never had the conversation. My father is a heavy drinker, so I am not sure he wants to address my mother's problem and have to take a look at his own habits. While it is good to have the support of family, in the end, until the alcoholic decides they have a problem and want to get help, there really is not much you can do. I just keep excellent boundaries up (no drunken behavior in front of me or my family) and pray for her and try to let it go at that. Hugs to you. It is a hurtful and helpless feeling to be in this situation.

idledreamer

I wish my dad could see it because he enables her so much! I mean, now I see the I didn't fall far from the Codie tree and all...but she's been talking about not wanting to work at her job any more and I'm afraid if she does then she'll start drinking during the day too.

I guess part of me doubts myself and just wants someone else to verify that I'm not crazy. That she is an alcoholic who needs help before it gets worse. I know I can't change her by having that, but it would help quiet those doubts and insecurities in me.

ladyscribbler

You are enough. Your feelings are valid and legitimate. Having "the talk" may feel like something you need to do, but prepare yourself by not having expectations. Her enablers may not want to face the truth. Lots of people will remain in denial because the truth feels too painful.
You, on the other hand, are already taking some really healthy steps for yourself. Awareness is huge. Not everyone has that. Have you thought about trying an Alanon meeting? I grew up with an alcoholic father and have chosen unhealthy relationships, including alcoholic ones in my adult life because of the behaviors that were modeled for me as a child. Alanon has been really helpful in helping me identify and stop my own unhealthy behaviors.

Kialua

My siblings never acknowledged my Dad's alcoholism until very late in life. I was the problem, thanks a lot. So having the talk can be more trouble than it's worth unless you are prepared to be the lone voice in the wilderness for a time.

curliQ

Hello. I am what you would call a functioning alcoholic. Today is 7 days for me. My 22-year-old daughter confronted me. My husband knew, he just never wanted to deal with it. That hurt more than anything. Trust me, they know. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

idledreamer

Thanks everyone! Right now I'm going to sit on the information and just focus on my recovery, but maybe if I'm ready and I'm alone with one of my brothers, I might probe the subject gently. Mostly just to see if he thinks if there's a problem with how much my mom drinks. I don't want to start screaming from the roof tops, but I'd like to test the waters a little bit to see what they are thinking.

ladyscribbler: I am thinking about going to an Alanon meeting. My work schedule was pretty wonky for a while, but now that it should be more regular I'm going to look into going to one. Hopefully I can make the leap and go to one this week!

makomago

The denial in my family is strong!! I had said my Mums problems were probably more due to alcohol than anything else.... It wasn't until my Mother was admitted to hospital with pancreatitis (sp?) that they'd acknowledge the possibility.

It took her being sectioned under the mental health act (in UK) and diagnosed with Korsakoffs/alcoholic dementia for them to finally accept the problem was alcoholism.

I played my part in the denial system for many years too, don't get me wrong, I am/was a part of the denial system. I just escaped before them.

One of the reasons the denial was so very strong is the picture was so very blurred. My Mother swore us all to secrecy on all manner things, as a result we never talked to each other. When we finally pieced stories together it was obvious.

My experience is therefore talking helped, but it wasn't enough for my family.

sugarbear1

try focusing on you.

only the alcoholic can decide whether or not they are alcoholic.