Dreading this holiday weekend...
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Dreading this holiday weekend...
I am so sad. Weekends in general are hard adjusting to being alone but especially dreading this weekend since it's the holiday, I get off work at noon tomorrow and then have non-stop plans including a wedding and a bunch of other family/couples type stuff pretty much all weekend. All I want to do is crawl in bed and never get out.
I am really missing my relationship right now. This week we have been in contact (a couple of texts - my dads been in the hospital and he asked how my dad is and said to let him know if he can do anything). I thanked him and that was it.
I am realizing how hard it is to go from talking every day and waking up next to someone every day - to nothing - in the blink of an eye. I know that things were not perfect or ideal. But sometimes familiarity is comfortable I guess.
I still miss him - mostly the friendship because he truly was my best friend in the world. And I am even sort of talking myself into believing maybe I should not have confronted him about the drinking or been upset about it. Like maybe I should have approached it in a more caring sort of way. I read that in some of the al-anon literature, that you should just let them drink and don't even act like it bothers you. So maybe I approached that wrong.
Another thing bothering me is that we met at work and it is just so hard to see how he is completely pulled together at work and does a great job, is well liked and so good at what he does. It is hard to see this completely different side to him and not think ok well obviously he is not going to screw up his job with drinking and he knows what to do - but I guess screwing. Up his relationship was fine. Uggghhh it hurts.
Maybe because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all - I am finding myself feeling really sad that he has not even asked me if he could come back home - it's like he's perfectly content where he is - in his sisters basement. And he has not even attempted to call or actually talk - just a text here and there. He always says he will call and then never does. Which, makes me feel worse. How do you go from confiding in someone and talking daily to nothing?
I know none of this is rational thinking - it is just honestly how I feel and I know I'm codependent. If he would have just broken up with me it would have helped, I think. But to just pack up and leave without any discussion - it's traumatizing.
Is it normal to feel this way? After a month and a half??? I thought I would feel better by now. Maybe it's because spring is here and I was looking forward to so many things. I don't know. And is it normal that he would just not want to talk at all? Is that because he is in the downward spiral of drinking? He told me before that when he is in that he doesn't want to talk to anyone not even his kids. But then why is he able to completely act normal at work? I don't get it.
I am really missing my relationship right now. This week we have been in contact (a couple of texts - my dads been in the hospital and he asked how my dad is and said to let him know if he can do anything). I thanked him and that was it.
I am realizing how hard it is to go from talking every day and waking up next to someone every day - to nothing - in the blink of an eye. I know that things were not perfect or ideal. But sometimes familiarity is comfortable I guess.
I still miss him - mostly the friendship because he truly was my best friend in the world. And I am even sort of talking myself into believing maybe I should not have confronted him about the drinking or been upset about it. Like maybe I should have approached it in a more caring sort of way. I read that in some of the al-anon literature, that you should just let them drink and don't even act like it bothers you. So maybe I approached that wrong.
Another thing bothering me is that we met at work and it is just so hard to see how he is completely pulled together at work and does a great job, is well liked and so good at what he does. It is hard to see this completely different side to him and not think ok well obviously he is not going to screw up his job with drinking and he knows what to do - but I guess screwing. Up his relationship was fine. Uggghhh it hurts.
Maybe because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all - I am finding myself feeling really sad that he has not even asked me if he could come back home - it's like he's perfectly content where he is - in his sisters basement. And he has not even attempted to call or actually talk - just a text here and there. He always says he will call and then never does. Which, makes me feel worse. How do you go from confiding in someone and talking daily to nothing?
I know none of this is rational thinking - it is just honestly how I feel and I know I'm codependent. If he would have just broken up with me it would have helped, I think. But to just pack up and leave without any discussion - it's traumatizing.
Is it normal to feel this way? After a month and a half??? I thought I would feel better by now. Maybe it's because spring is here and I was looking forward to so many things. I don't know. And is it normal that he would just not want to talk at all? Is that because he is in the downward spiral of drinking? He told me before that when he is in that he doesn't want to talk to anyone not even his kids. But then why is he able to completely act normal at work? I don't get it.
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If he would have just broken up with me it would have helped, I think. But to just pack up and leave without any discussion - it's traumatizing.
oh sweetie, that IS a break up...maybe not pretty or tidy but it is still a break up. people do that. just GO. and don't look back.
in a way, in a lot of ways, it's better....just rip the bandaid off and be done. you don't get hooked back in by their laments. their words. their promises.
it sounds like you have a very full weekend! that is way better than sitting at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go! ENJOY IT.
oh sweetie, that IS a break up...maybe not pretty or tidy but it is still a break up. people do that. just GO. and don't look back.
in a way, in a lot of ways, it's better....just rip the bandaid off and be done. you don't get hooked back in by their laments. their words. their promises.
it sounds like you have a very full weekend! that is way better than sitting at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go! ENJOY IT.
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Yes I agree it's a breakuo - but confusing because it happened immediately after I confronted him about the drinking - 2 minutes prior to that we were hugging and laughing and joking - then I saw another hidden bottle and I lost it - so he left. Then I started to second guess myself whether I had overreacted.
The next night we went out to dinner - his idea - and he acted like nothing happened and said he wanted to come back. Then - nothing. Imand, all of his stuff is still here. Has been for a month and a half. I guess that's why it's not exactly a clean break and I wish it was.
The next night we went out to dinner - his idea - and he acted like nothing happened and said he wanted to come back. Then - nothing. Imand, all of his stuff is still here. Has been for a month and a half. I guess that's why it's not exactly a clean break and I wish it was.
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Sorry for all the typos - my internet is down so I'm using my phone. I guess part of me is hoping since he left everything here that he is getting himself together and will come back. Not saying that I SHOULD take him back - just being honest that I miss him. However, I know I should NOT be thinking that! 
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so either contact him and say he has til XX date to get his stuff....or bag it up and leave it on the porch or at a convenient location for you, and be done. it's been a month, obviously his remaining stuff isn't THAT important to him.
i do hear you....just get thru this weekend, in fact embrace this weekend as the universe is filling your life with new things.
i do hear you....just get thru this weekend, in fact embrace this weekend as the universe is filling your life with new things.
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Yeah it is huge power tools, tool cabinets, his bike, golf clubs etc. literally thousands of dollars. I have asked him to get it but he just doesn't. Which makes me think, does he just not even care because he is drinking all the time now? He also left his truck at the repair shop - it's been there since November. It's still there, surprisingly they haven't gotten rid if it. But seriously, who does that??
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Originally Posted by AmandaOliver 
Yeah it is huge power tools, tool cabinets, his bike, golf clubs etc. He also left his truck at the repair shop - it's been there since November. It's still there, surprisingly they haven't gotten rid if it. But seriously, who does that??
I know you're suffering right now, but it's that short-term pain for long-term gain thing. You have made progress; if you look back, you will see that. It's just that you're not 100% yet, and that's no surprise. A month and a half isn't really that long, when you think about changing the patterns of a lifetime, right? But you are moving ahead, even if you can't see it b/c you're too close to it.
As far as missing him--it's often said here that we don't so much miss the reality of the situation as we miss the hopes, the potential (that word again!), the dreams that we had. Once we realize that that IS what we really miss, we can mourn the loss of those dreams and begin to heal. Does this sound like it might be true for you also?
Hang in, Amanda--as others have said, the Universe is keeping you busy and showing you new stuff. Who knows what might be waiting down the road?
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Hi AO, it's very hard to move on when you see him at work, and also have his stuff at your place. Getting rid of his stuff might be possible, but if you have the opportunity move to another work place. Not easy, I know, and won't happen overnight, but it's very hard to move on when you're seeing him most days.
He's presenting a good front, but the bit about his stuff and his truck tell a different story. Just hang onto your knowledge of the real story. He has no restrictions on his drinking now and is probably hitting the bottle hard.
See if he'll give you some money to organise a courier for his stuff, or write him a letter to say you will be selling it and will give him the money.
He's presenting a good front, but the bit about his stuff and his truck tell a different story. Just hang onto your knowledge of the real story. He has no restrictions on his drinking now and is probably hitting the bottle hard.
See if he'll give you some money to organise a courier for his stuff, or write him a letter to say you will be selling it and will give him the money.
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Thank you so much... I cannot tell you how much better I feel just talking about it in this forum. Sorry this is a long post....
I would love to get another job. However I've been at my government job for over 10 years and have pension and great benefits here. I have had a hard time finding anything that would compare. I agree that would help though. Luckily though we do not work in the same unit and don't see each other daily. However I do hear what he's up to and occasionally would need to deal with him for work matters which is hard. And he is best friends with the head of the whole office.
I think he has not picked up his stuff because he has no place to put it at his sisters. Same with the truck. He has another truck that he drives and the one at the shop has expired plates so it would be towed if he left it on the street. Not sure what he is thinking leaving it at the shop though. They are bound to get rid of it eventually.
A little more background - I apologize if this is long but I feel it really shows how f-ed up he is and I so need to hear that right now!! We started dating in early 2011. First red flag - up north for a week vacation his debit card got declined and he had to ask his son to wire him money. Now mind you he makes 6 figures and almost double what I make. So that to me was very odd.
Then, in late 2011 his house went into foreclosure. Again this made no sense with his income. Then he decided to buy a condo from his brother in law on Land contract. The condo payments were double what his house payment had been. $2400 a month plus he took a loan for a $20,000 down payment. And they never signed anything. Then a month after he moved in, the condo burned down destroying his unit and 3 others. At that point he was completely out of money and had lost everything so stopped paying his car insurance. Because of that he could not get a policy due to the lapse in coverage. So he was also driving with expired plates - and kept getting pulled over. Yet he was still making payments on the condo although it had burned because he had bought it and it was being rebuilt. So he paid about another $15000 in payments for a place that was burned down and then his brother in law collected the insurance money and decided to keep the money instead of restoring the condo. So they had a falling out and the deal fell through.
We had broken up and gotten back together so many times. When I heard about the fire I felt bad for him. I asked him if I could do anything. (We were broken up). He asked me to put some stuff in my garage. (Which is all the stuff that's still there). He was living in his sisters basement and making payments on the condo. We had started to talk about things and he told me that he had stopped drinking and was a new person. It seemed like he was. I decided to give him another chance, thinking he had bit rock bottom and really meant it.
So when it fell through with the condo he moved in with me (by that time he was staying with me all the time and it made the most sense that he would pay me rent to help me with the bills as opposed to getting his own place). Also he literally had nothing so there was nothing to really move in. I know now it was a mistake. I also put his car on my insurance so he would be able to have insurance. (He paid me for it and the policy was in both our names). We had lived together in the beginning - although he always had his own place too. So it was easy to go straight Into living together again.
So we started living together and he was going to bed at 6pm every night, never wanted to eat dinner or anything. I thought maybe it was a way for him to not be tempted to drink so I didn't give him a hard time. He seemed to be doing good with not drinking, other than going to bed early he seemed happy.
Then a couple months in I started to find the bottles and hidden alcohol. Also caught him drinking a couple times. At first I was devastated because I knew it would ruin our relationship just like in the past. But I was more upset that he was hiding it and thats what I told him. I even said go ahead and drink but don't hide it. But he kept hiding it and the last time when I confronted him he moved out. Took his clothes and everything but not the stuff in the garage.
Obviously When he moved out I wanted to cancel the insurance on his truck but I wanted to give him the chance to get a policy. Told him to let me know when he gets one so I can cancel. He never responded so I canceled. My agent said he never called to switch it into his name. I am guessing he is driving with no insurance.
So obviously he is very messed up. My problem is that I still feel bad!!! Do I feel pity or love? Could this whole pattern be due to his drinking/alcoholism progression? He has somehow managed to become a CPA and a lawyer and has held some very good jobs including the one he has now.
He is so smart and funny and nice alot of the time. But this financial decision-making and irresponsible behavior is not normal for a 53 year old educated person. So could it be from the drinking? Or mental illness? He sees a psychiatrist and takes several prescription pills. Has never told me what his diagnosis is except depression and ADD. He takes Prozac, focalin, Effexor, lorazepam, high blood pressure pills that I have seen. Not sure what that combination would be prescribed for but it can't be good to be drinking with the pills. I feel absolutely torn between my head and my heart. He has begged me to take him back so many times. I am afraid I would still take him back. What is wrong with me????
If anyone read this far thank you!!! I so appreciate the support and would love to hear others who have experienced anything similar.
I would love to get another job. However I've been at my government job for over 10 years and have pension and great benefits here. I have had a hard time finding anything that would compare. I agree that would help though. Luckily though we do not work in the same unit and don't see each other daily. However I do hear what he's up to and occasionally would need to deal with him for work matters which is hard. And he is best friends with the head of the whole office.
I think he has not picked up his stuff because he has no place to put it at his sisters. Same with the truck. He has another truck that he drives and the one at the shop has expired plates so it would be towed if he left it on the street. Not sure what he is thinking leaving it at the shop though. They are bound to get rid of it eventually.
A little more background - I apologize if this is long but I feel it really shows how f-ed up he is and I so need to hear that right now!! We started dating in early 2011. First red flag - up north for a week vacation his debit card got declined and he had to ask his son to wire him money. Now mind you he makes 6 figures and almost double what I make. So that to me was very odd.
Then, in late 2011 his house went into foreclosure. Again this made no sense with his income. Then he decided to buy a condo from his brother in law on Land contract. The condo payments were double what his house payment had been. $2400 a month plus he took a loan for a $20,000 down payment. And they never signed anything. Then a month after he moved in, the condo burned down destroying his unit and 3 others. At that point he was completely out of money and had lost everything so stopped paying his car insurance. Because of that he could not get a policy due to the lapse in coverage. So he was also driving with expired plates - and kept getting pulled over. Yet he was still making payments on the condo although it had burned because he had bought it and it was being rebuilt. So he paid about another $15000 in payments for a place that was burned down and then his brother in law collected the insurance money and decided to keep the money instead of restoring the condo. So they had a falling out and the deal fell through.
We had broken up and gotten back together so many times. When I heard about the fire I felt bad for him. I asked him if I could do anything. (We were broken up). He asked me to put some stuff in my garage. (Which is all the stuff that's still there). He was living in his sisters basement and making payments on the condo. We had started to talk about things and he told me that he had stopped drinking and was a new person. It seemed like he was. I decided to give him another chance, thinking he had bit rock bottom and really meant it.
So when it fell through with the condo he moved in with me (by that time he was staying with me all the time and it made the most sense that he would pay me rent to help me with the bills as opposed to getting his own place). Also he literally had nothing so there was nothing to really move in. I know now it was a mistake. I also put his car on my insurance so he would be able to have insurance. (He paid me for it and the policy was in both our names). We had lived together in the beginning - although he always had his own place too. So it was easy to go straight Into living together again.
So we started living together and he was going to bed at 6pm every night, never wanted to eat dinner or anything. I thought maybe it was a way for him to not be tempted to drink so I didn't give him a hard time. He seemed to be doing good with not drinking, other than going to bed early he seemed happy.
Then a couple months in I started to find the bottles and hidden alcohol. Also caught him drinking a couple times. At first I was devastated because I knew it would ruin our relationship just like in the past. But I was more upset that he was hiding it and thats what I told him. I even said go ahead and drink but don't hide it. But he kept hiding it and the last time when I confronted him he moved out. Took his clothes and everything but not the stuff in the garage.
Obviously When he moved out I wanted to cancel the insurance on his truck but I wanted to give him the chance to get a policy. Told him to let me know when he gets one so I can cancel. He never responded so I canceled. My agent said he never called to switch it into his name. I am guessing he is driving with no insurance.
So obviously he is very messed up. My problem is that I still feel bad!!! Do I feel pity or love? Could this whole pattern be due to his drinking/alcoholism progression? He has somehow managed to become a CPA and a lawyer and has held some very good jobs including the one he has now.
He is so smart and funny and nice alot of the time. But this financial decision-making and irresponsible behavior is not normal for a 53 year old educated person. So could it be from the drinking? Or mental illness? He sees a psychiatrist and takes several prescription pills. Has never told me what his diagnosis is except depression and ADD. He takes Prozac, focalin, Effexor, lorazepam, high blood pressure pills that I have seen. Not sure what that combination would be prescribed for but it can't be good to be drinking with the pills. I feel absolutely torn between my head and my heart. He has begged me to take him back so many times. I am afraid I would still take him back. What is wrong with me????
If anyone read this far thank you!!! I so appreciate the support and would love to hear others who have experienced anything similar.
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(((( Amanda)))), (((((((((((((((((hugs, and many of them)))))))))))))))))
Even though our situations may be different, or they may be the same, sometimes just don't know anymore, but I related to a lot of what you said in your post.
Why can someone be this high functional person at work, and with others, then loose it when they are with us?
What is wrong with us ??????!!!!!!!!!
Nothing, there is nothing wrong with "us". I thought that for so long. You see, I was married for 27 years. My ex could go to work, be perfectly normal, go out with friends, be perfectly normal, go anywhere, be perfectly normal, even though at times he did show a little of the "pity party" that he was going through, and blaming me for.
He would tell everyone how great I was, but at times there were also little digs.
I found out that he could put a "mask" on when he went out, but when he came home, (he felt comfortable there), the "mask" would come off.
I think that we both know what I mean about the "mask" coming off, if not, let me know, we can talk about this some more.
You have a great Easter weekend coming up. (I had many of those that I destroyed by myself, just thinking about him). Have a good time and enjoy yourself.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Even though our situations may be different, or they may be the same, sometimes just don't know anymore, but I related to a lot of what you said in your post.
Why can someone be this high functional person at work, and with others, then loose it when they are with us?
What is wrong with us ??????!!!!!!!!!
Nothing, there is nothing wrong with "us". I thought that for so long. You see, I was married for 27 years. My ex could go to work, be perfectly normal, go out with friends, be perfectly normal, go anywhere, be perfectly normal, even though at times he did show a little of the "pity party" that he was going through, and blaming me for.
He would tell everyone how great I was, but at times there were also little digs.
I found out that he could put a "mask" on when he went out, but when he came home, (he felt comfortable there), the "mask" would come off.
I think that we both know what I mean about the "mask" coming off, if not, let me know, we can talk about this some more.
You have a great Easter weekend coming up. (I had many of those that I destroyed by myself, just thinking about him). Have a good time and enjoy yourself.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I can also talk about all the "money" concerns that you have, but for now I won't. It's like I can say that perhaps, he has a gambling problem, or something like that. I won't. I just want to talk to you and how you feel about things, how do you really feel about him.
Are you or do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, and is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?
If you are not ready for this yet though, I can validate all the feelings that you have. I will be here for you.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Are you or do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, and is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?
If you are not ready for this yet though, I can validate all the feelings that you have. I will be here for you.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by AmandaOliver
Yes I agree it's a breakuo - but confusing because it happened immediately after I confronted him about the drinking - 2 minutes prior to that we were hugging and laughing and joking - then I saw another hidden bottle and I lost it - so he left. Then I started to second guess myself whether I had overreacted.
The next night we went out to dinner - his idea - and he acted like nothing happened and said he wanted to come back. Then - nothing. Imand, all of his stuff is still here. Has been for a month and a half. I guess that's why it's not exactly a clean break and I wish it was.
The next night we went out to dinner - his idea - and he acted like nothing happened and said he wanted to come back. Then - nothing. Imand, all of his stuff is still here. Has been for a month and a half. I guess that's why it's not exactly a clean break and I wish it was.
You know, it never ceases to amaze me why do WE feel GUILTY and want to pamper THEM and THEIR NEEDS so they do not get pissy and angry. And instead of saying "That's it. I am happy you left and I am happy that I will not be treated that way anymore," you feel lonely and you miss him. But I do not blame you. I feel this way myself sometimes, because this "lack of love" and "love" conditioned by alcohol consumption is simply impossible to comprehend.
But do not try to understand it. Try to feel blessed.
I dread this weekend because I have no idea what my AH is going to do next and he is as bad without alcohol as with alcohol.
I already have many many backup plans.
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[QUOTE=AmandaOliver;4598236]Yeah it is huge power tools, tool cabinets, his bike, golf clubs etc. literally thousands of dollars. I have asked him to get it but he just doesn't. Which makes me think, does he just not even care because he is drinking all the time now? He also left his truck at the repair shop - it's been there since November. It's still there, surprisingly they haven't gotten rid if it. But seriously, who does that??[/QUOTE]
who does that? an addict. we mess ourselves up by trying to read messages from their chaos.
I learned I could not read the tea leaves in my XAH cup. it's very tough, hurts like he11, and I didn't learn it over night. or over a month. or over 6 months. it was learned and earned very slowly. (I was a terribly slow learner when it came to my XAH)
who does that? an addict. we mess ourselves up by trying to read messages from their chaos.
I learned I could not read the tea leaves in my XAH cup. it's very tough, hurts like he11, and I didn't learn it over night. or over a month. or over 6 months. it was learned and earned very slowly. (I was a terribly slow learner when it came to my XAH)
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I still miss him - mostly the friendship because he truly was my best friend in the world.
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I am so grateful for finding this forum. I was embarrassed to even press send on the last post because of how absolutely insane this situation is and then I figured why not, I don't ever have to see the people on here face to face so nothing to be embarrassed about. LOL. I am glad to know I'm not the only one. I feel like my self esteem has been ruined by this relationship. It's the sort of feeling that "he is so messed up and yet he does not want me so what's wrong with me?" Someone else posted about the intimacy problems with alcoholics. Another self esteem killer. I actually went out and had boudoir photos taken of myself wearing lingerie and put them in an album for him for Christmas to try and get him interested in sex. He looked at them once and that was it. Did not do anything for our sex life. And the lies. I can't trust him.
I went to my wedding tonight and got dressed up and went with a coworker...it was fun...although I did get teary eyed a couple of times. Tomorrow I am going to see a new therapist - hoping she will be able to help me with the issues I am having. Then I'm babysitting for my 2 year old niece. :-)
Thank you all so much and Happy Easter. :-)
I went to my wedding tonight and got dressed up and went with a coworker...it was fun...although I did get teary eyed a couple of times. Tomorrow I am going to see a new therapist - hoping she will be able to help me with the issues I am having. Then I'm babysitting for my 2 year old niece. :-)
Thank you all so much and Happy Easter. :-)
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