CodeJob

Well he made it. I am proud of him. He insists it is not a big deal So I refrained from renting a huge sign in our yard. I gave him a rock indigenous to where we grew up. I picked out one that was purposely rough and not readily identifiable because I cannot read this guy and I pretty much feel like I am beating my head against rocks trying to get him to be emotionally open with me. He did not recognize what it was so I picked well. I did not write a card bc he would have questioned my note. Just a token that we come from the same place - More than I ever understood before.

So as I hit my year, I am not stagnant. I've been posting my Step 4 experience in that section. I am not at peace in my relationship. I am not at peace with the decision to walk away yet either. I can't fix it. My RAH holds the communication, the intimacy and the emotional openness I would like to rebuild. He refuses marital counseling and individual too. When I reach out I steadily get rebuffed. I can't figure things out on my own so I just turning my focus back to me. I would like to be on Step 9 by Christmas. I think that is feasible as my Step 4 resentments appearto be creating a Step 8 list for me. I am thinking about increasing my counseling and I think my sponsor has arrived. Maybe as I get to amends and releasing my faults, I will have the peace of mind to let go and move on with just butterflies in my stomach instead of abject fear.

MissFixit

Inaction is an action.

Aeryn

My XRAH is similar - he is in recovery just nearing the 6 month mark - we are friends but the "connection" we lacked in our marriage is still missing. We have the friendship connection only no emotional deep thing. He still holds hope we will reconcile but I don't think so since I want a real emotional connection and while I like having friends I want more in my mate. I'm dating and this person I'm seeing helped me see what a real connection is (and the lack thereof I'd normalized in my marriage - we agreed to dating is ok during our legal separation...yeah we're weird).

Anyhow my therapist said this to me and it really struck home: "well maybe the relationship as is is what he wants". Yeah, I think he's right,...it is, for my XRAH a friendship only marriage without a deep connection is OK for him...and I guess I'm deciding it's not OK for me. We are legally separated only and I'm almost ready to move it to the be D word...I feel it coming unless something changes and that change would have to come from him and I have zero control over it and if it comes or not.

When you're ready to make a decision either way you'll know (there is no right time or right path - just yours)...or that's what I think - I've made each move I've made on my timeline when it felt right.

EDIT: I always assume everyone knows my story...just some background we haven't lived together for 2 years and have been legally separated (with me dating - he knows) for almost a year. As weird as it is it's our path and it's working for my journey....

Florence

Remember "when in doubt, don't." The year that my STBXAH was supposed to be working on himself (he continued to relapse) I used that time to work on me. Whenever I got antsy about his recovery and where we were going, I tried to remember that having this time of relative peace where I could focus on my needs and learning to feel whole regardless of my relationship status was a blessing in disguise.

ichabod

Congrats to both of you for hitting the one year mark. That's huge.

My RAH is in his 5th year of recovery now. Year 1 was by far the hardest of our marriage (worse than the 16 or so drinking years) because it took him most of it to regain some equilibrium and we both just expected it to be easier and different than it was. Year 2 is when we started working on us. Mine was willing as long as I didn't push much. He's never been free with the emotions, but I don't think that has anything to do with the alcoholism. He and I are both introverts and have to be allowed to communicate in our own ways. Emotional intimacy took quite a while to rebuild.

Work on you, spend time with him just being. With distance from the drinking you'll begin to see what life is going to be like long term and then you can make decisions.

CodeJob

Thanks missFixit- I consistently forget that doing nothing is one of my newer capabilities!

Aeryn, Ichabod, and Florence - thanks for responding!

Stung

Congrats on one year, CodeJob!! Keep moving forward, I think you're doing great!

BoxinRotz

My AH does not talk about certain things either. Put him in front of a counselor like he was today and he doesn't shut up and he's truthful.

If I could tell you anything, it would be to take care of you! There are many days where I feel like it's just me. I'm really all I need in the grand scheme of things.

Hammer

Congrats!

now . . . if he starts putting some lovin in the love seat . . . you might be a happy camper.

dancingnow

Wow same hear with me and my RAH with a little over a year sober.

I stopped us going to marriage counseling because it just wasn't doing anything. My RAH has a personality of doing the motions just to appease me but nothing really comes of it. He is closed up tight emotionally and sorry to say I feel raw pain as we continue to live in this friends not really intimate relationship.

I am in the just working on myself mode too. Going to totally transition into a new career this year and will take a lot of focus and work. I am excited about that.

RAH is starting to see a counselor on his own. He just gets me so worked up though. Took him a month to find someone and then turns out she wasn't even covered under our insurance. He spent $330 for 1 session and has yet to see about insurance reimbursement which I doubt will be much. We can't afford that kind of counseling.

It's stuff like this that just piles on my lack of respect for him as he navigates his way trying to take care of himself. It just doesn't come easy for him to balance everything and maybe some of it is he "doesn't do it my way" but sheesh what I do sometimes just seems to make common sense.

Good for you CJ working on your program. I need to take a lesson from you and focus more of myself on that.

Thanks for your post CJ and others for posting as it's nice to relate to others as I don't take big bold steps toward "D" but it still looms in the background.

lillamy

Thank you for this post, CJ. I'm glad he's got a year under his belt. I'm sorry it's still such a struggle.

But that's why your post is important, I think. I've talked before about my former coworker who was a couple years sober when I met him. His wife stuck by him through rehab and recovery and such, but she says now "if I had known how hard it would be and how long it would take, I'm not sure I would have had the guts to do it." They've got a good marriage now, but she said it took a good 15 years before she was truly enjoying being with him.

That's just one story. But when I was married to an A, I sort of thought that if he just got sober, all would be well. I've learned here that it's not just the As getting sober and us getting out of the crazy loop. It also takes TIME. Maybe not 15 years for everyone -- but it takes time. And I think if we know that going in, we are less disappointed when an A comes back from rehab and is not drinking but still largely behaving like before they went in...

MissFixit

Some people are just difficult too, whether A or not. Some people are not compatible. Doesn't make either one wrong or bad.

NYCDoglvr

In early sobriety I received excellent advice: compare yourself to yourself. I hope you do so you can see how much you've grown and changed and give yourself a big hug. The important thing is you recognize the importance of working on yourself. Congrats! We become the people we are and sometimes things work out, sometimes not.

FireSprite

I find it so ironic that you have this incredible wit & humor that he refuses to appreciate. I wish it weren't that it way for you, but it sounds like you are doing amazing work in your own recovery, kudos!!

findingmyself14

Congrats-not just for him but for you too. I'm growing with appreciation for us, the semi forgotten part of the family disease. It affects us very much and yet it seems like we are often lost in the conversation for recovery. Keep focusing on yourself. I'm dealing with it now at 3 months and it's a daily battle in my head, but there is progress not perfection. I hope for your sake the communication and emotional intimacy returns. I have none of that either. I related so well to your post. It's hard to see others in the same stagnant place relative to their close relationships especially after a year but it's one more step of courage for me to shift my thinking. This may be how it is and the question should be, am I willing to accept this as my relationship? We each find our own voice and make our own path through the support of others. Keep on trekking. Congrats again and thanks for your post.

MissFixit

I have thought that too. You seem very smart and funny. Both attributes anyone would love in a partner. Reminds me of the awesome men or women who are with folks that just don't truly appreciate them or try to repress them. I always wonder why they are together when one is awesome and the other is so-so. (I do not mean to knock your man.)

CodeJob

Hammer my dear, not likely!

CodeJob

Hi Dancing! Last night my twice D friend (one A, one rescue project) and I were discussing how it is worse to be lonely IN a relationship than lonely alone. My T told me this a few sessions ago and it keeps circling in my head. My friend thinks she has cured herself from wanting to save others, but I promised her another reason NOT to leave is at the moment I fear I'd just pick up the next emotionally closed off guy I run into. I just keep putting all of my restless energy into my program or running and lately a bit of spring cleaning....

Thanks for sharing your story here. It makes me think of all my peeps on SR and sometimes it makes me more patient in my own life.

CodeJob

OMG Lil- 15 years? This week RAH showed me a retirement home. I said yes it is really nice but did not stop pressing through the mail purge. Later that night I noticed the ^}%}#**]%]* house cut out and on the fridge. I told myself to chillax as at least he was thinking of the future in a positive way. The next night he was talking foundation! Umm hello MCFly, we are roommates and have some issues to work out before we ever get to deciding on retirement home! That would probably be in about 15 years... AGH! I am no longer young!

CodeJob

Thanks NYC fellow dog lover! My friend last night did kindly point out I was a seeker (like her) and having this experience with RAH has put me on a huge path of self discovery. So maybe everyone needs the 12 steps?