De-lurking at last
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
De-lurking at last
Hello all
Been reading here for yonks....
Background..one of my older brothers "T", is basically a career alcoholic.
I helped him through his wifes death 2 years ago (from booze) and he is constantly on the verge of hospitilization or homelessness.
Thanks to all the reading I have done here I do understand that I can't do a damn thing to change him. So here is what I am dealing with - and I feel like my eyes are FINALLY open.
I paid for his cell phone for 2 years and then said "Your turn - I can't keep doing this - especially with nephew blowing up the data limits"
A month after I cut his phone off he lands in the hospital AGAIN, pancreatitis flare, liver failure etc.
He calls me from the hospital, I immediately live in a cloud of guilt for days, bought him another phone and sent him money. I really don't want to see him homeless.
(The rest of my family has given up on him)
Ok, he gets the phone calls me - AND HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF CALLING ME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
Also calmly admits he has an opiate addiction.
I can't believe I feel for it again.
Mind you he is nearly 60 and this has been going on for 40 years.
Someone slap some sense into me!
Been reading here for yonks....
Background..one of my older brothers "T", is basically a career alcoholic.
I helped him through his wifes death 2 years ago (from booze) and he is constantly on the verge of hospitilization or homelessness.
Thanks to all the reading I have done here I do understand that I can't do a damn thing to change him. So here is what I am dealing with - and I feel like my eyes are FINALLY open.
I paid for his cell phone for 2 years and then said "Your turn - I can't keep doing this - especially with nephew blowing up the data limits"
A month after I cut his phone off he lands in the hospital AGAIN, pancreatitis flare, liver failure etc.
He calls me from the hospital, I immediately live in a cloud of guilt for days, bought him another phone and sent him money. I really don't want to see him homeless.
(The rest of my family has given up on him)
Ok, he gets the phone calls me - AND HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF CALLING ME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
Also calmly admits he has an opiate addiction.
I can't believe I feel for it again.
Mind you he is nearly 60 and this has been going on for 40 years.
Someone slap some sense into me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 94
Hey Girl! What a mess.You have tried to do the right thing, but you see how enabling works. I am a soft hearted person too, but some people will not get it - and even if they do late stage -I dunno. I feel and hear your frustration. i can only tell you to run to the bookstore and get ANYTHING by Albert Ellis - My Favorite is "how to refuse to make yourself miserable about anything - yes anything". yes it works - plus a little Zen Buddhism. Wish you were my little sister. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
whenever I was actively trying to save the A in my life, it began to feel like I was throwing money, possessions, and emotions into a big black hole that never got filled.
I had friends or family that would occasionaly need some sort of assistance and I noticed that if I was able to help them with that assistance, it really actually helped them over a speed bump.
but with the A it was totally different....cell phones thrown into ditches, vehicles wrecked or destroyed in some way, possesions abused and not taken care of, tools lost, money like water in their hands, just a total mess.
I once used a reimbursement check to buy a suit for the A to attend a funeral. that check was going to feed my family for a week.
the suit was left in some half-way house, wrapped up in a garbage bag....about 2 weeks later.
I now help only when I want to, and don't expect anything in return. I consider my needs first.....can I afford it? will I resent it if they don't do with it what I think they should? is it truly a gift without any strings attached?
I shut off all aid to the A in my life, because it wasn't really helping him in any way. and I resented it in a big way.
I had friends or family that would occasionaly need some sort of assistance and I noticed that if I was able to help them with that assistance, it really actually helped them over a speed bump.
but with the A it was totally different....cell phones thrown into ditches, vehicles wrecked or destroyed in some way, possesions abused and not taken care of, tools lost, money like water in their hands, just a total mess.
I once used a reimbursement check to buy a suit for the A to attend a funeral. that check was going to feed my family for a week.
the suit was left in some half-way house, wrapped up in a garbage bag....about 2 weeks later.
I now help only when I want to, and don't expect anything in return. I consider my needs first.....can I afford it? will I resent it if they don't do with it what I think they should? is it truly a gift without any strings attached?
I shut off all aid to the A in my life, because it wasn't really helping him in any way. and I resented it in a big way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Wow
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
whenever I was actively trying to save the A in my life, it began to feel like I was throwing money, possessions, and emotions into a big black hole that never got filled.
I had friends or family that would occasionaly need some sort of assistance and I noticed that if I was able to help them with that assistance, it really actually helped them over a speed bump.
but with the A it was totally different....cell phones thrown into ditches, vehicles wrecked or destroyed in some way, possesions abused and not taken care of, tools lost, money like water in their hands, just a total mess.
I once used a reimbursement check to buy a suit for the A to attend a funeral. that check was going to feed my family for a week.
the suit was left in some half-way house, wrapped up in a garbage bag....about 2 weeks later.
I now help only when I want to, and don't expect anything in return. I consider my needs first.....can I afford it? will I resent it if they don't do with it what I think they should? is it truly a gift without any strings attached?
I shut off all aid to the A in my life, because it wasn't really helping him in any way. and I resented it in a big way.
I had friends or family that would occasionaly need some sort of assistance and I noticed that if I was able to help them with that assistance, it really actually helped them over a speed bump.
but with the A it was totally different....cell phones thrown into ditches, vehicles wrecked or destroyed in some way, possesions abused and not taken care of, tools lost, money like water in their hands, just a total mess.
I once used a reimbursement check to buy a suit for the A to attend a funeral. that check was going to feed my family for a week.
the suit was left in some half-way house, wrapped up in a garbage bag....about 2 weeks later.
I now help only when I want to, and don't expect anything in return. I consider my needs first.....can I afford it? will I resent it if they don't do with it what I think they should? is it truly a gift without any strings attached?
I shut off all aid to the A in my life, because it wasn't really helping him in any way. and I resented it in a big way.
Holy moly - EXACTLY
He went through 4 cell phones in two years. Absolutely no respect for the hard work it takes to get them these things
I truly believe he would prefer to die
And I cannot do this again, I missed two days at work - at their suggestion because I was melting down.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Littlesister, welcome to SR. Since you've been lurking here for quite some time, you probably already know the usual advice to newbies about the stickies at the top of the page, and the suggestion to look into Alanon.
It's time to get out from under that weight--it's not yours to carry in the first place. His choices may make you sad, but as you said you're beginning to understand, there is not a damn thing you can do to make him change.
Take care of yourself.
Glad you decided to come out into the open here!
It's time to get out from under that weight--it's not yours to carry in the first place. His choices may make you sad, but as you said you're beginning to understand, there is not a damn thing you can do to make him change.
Take care of yourself.
Glad you decided to come out into the open here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by honeypig
Littlesister, welcome to SR. Since you've been lurking here for quite some time, you probably already know the usual advice to newbies about the stickies at the top of the page, and the suggestion to look into Alanon.
It's time to get out from under that weight--it's not yours to carry in the first place. His choices may make you sad, but as you said you're beginning to understand, there is not a damn thing you can do to make him change.
Take care of yourself.
Glad you decided to come out into the open here!
It's time to get out from under that weight--it's not yours to carry in the first place. His choices may make you sad, but as you said you're beginning to understand, there is not a damn thing you can do to make him change.
Take care of yourself.
Glad you decided to come out into the open here!
Yes I have read the stickies, I have followed a few stories that are so, so familiar.
Al Anon is next, I simply can't do this anymore.
I go from incredibly sad to incredibly angry.
I just want to shake hime as hard as I can and say "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING"
But I know he is completely aware
I'm his last line of defense
I love my brother, sometimes I don't like him too much
Them comes GUILT AAGGHHH
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