LoveLost84

I need some advice on how to cope. 9 Months ago I started working with the best coworker I could ever ask for. We were a great team. Long story short. We fell in love. I knew in the beginning he had an addiction problem from his teen years. However he had promised me that he was clean. We were perfect for each other. We liked and did the same things. We loved family and friends and we both had dreams of a prosperous life just being happy. I told myself I would never fall in love with someone with an addiction. This man was just too good. I vowed to stick by his side unconditionally. He moved in 2 months after dating. We went to family outings on both sides as well as holidays. He told me I was the love of his life and he did EVERYTHING right. Heres what happened. We were forced to keep our love life a secret for work purposes. I had no choice to act as though he was just a coworker despite the love I had for him and viceversa. He was caught 3 months into our relationship of using heroin again. I explained I did not want this to ruin him or us. He cried, begged for my forgiveness and told me he was going to get better. It was good for a while, 3 months. I did hours and hours of research to see the signs, help, fix. We tried every detox. I would stay up all night through withdrawals and just be the amazing woman sticking by his side. I was getting very upset with how he was ruining his life and reminded him of how much potential he had and how he was just plain perfect. I believe this took a tole on him. He then started becoming depressed. He became secretive. He began telling me he has never felt this depressed and wanting to use. I found out that he cheated on me as he relapsed on heroin. He never denied it. He explained it was the heroin and the withdrawals. I want to take him back, but I explained to him he needs to get better. He is off of everything but still using other opiates to relieve the pain. I want the man I fell in love with back. He continues to make irrational decisions that are not like him. Was I fooled the entire time??? Can someone relate to me and help me cope. He was my everything and still is. I feel like I am in a dream and I can't wake up.

Dee74

Hi and welcome lovelost84

Sounds like addiction is a part of this guys life right now. If you plan to stick around you need to take that into account. What will you do if he never stops?

It's not your fault.
This is a problem he had long before you ever came on the scene.

I really recommend you look into NarAnon or a similar support group for the loved ones of addicts.

Check out our Family and Friends forum too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I know...sometimes he's great - but sometimes he's not - he cheats, he hides things, he blames you for his addiction...

I think you need to ask yourself is this guy really worthy of being your everything right now?

Only you can answer that - but whatever you decide you'll find support here

D

KateL

Welcome Lovelost xxxx

Ruby2

Welcome. You are in a rough spot and I send you good thoughts. My husband is a crack addict and here are the things I have learned. I didn't cause his addiction. He was addicted before I ever met him. I can't cure his addiction and couldn't make him stop through anything I did. Researching the signs online and nursing him through withdrawal didn't make him stop, it only made him more refreshed for the next round of using. Addicts lie, cheat and steal, especially from their loved ones because it is easy and easier. We aren't likely to call the police and admit we were taken for a ride. Addicts become secretive because they don't want to quit, they want to continue to use and all your care and concern is interfering with that. All we can do is let go. That doesn't seem right. It seems counterintuitive that we should do nothing but stand by but that is the best way to protect yourself from going crazy trying to fix manage and control his use. Because you can't do it. I also didn't want to feel like I had made a mistake. I knew my husband was an addict when we met. He was sober at the time. I didn't want to have the fingers of I told you so pointed at me and admit that it wasn't the best choice. I had a hard time letting go of the dream of what I thought that the relationship should and could be rather than how it actually was.

Until this man is ready and willing to choose a sober life he will continue using despite anything you do or say. It is a heavy burden for you. You have to make a lot of choices for you, without factoring him into the plans. Do you want to spend the next ten, twenty years like this? If he choose to continue using, then what will you do? His use will only get worse. An addict will take every last dime to spend on drugs even if you have rent to pay and food to buy. They will pawn everything of value, regardless of whether it is yours or his. Addiction is an ugly thing and drags innocent bystanders down as well. There is a support thread for the family and friends of addicts on this forum. Go there and read and learn. Hang in there. You don't have to do anything today. Just learn all you can about what you are getting into and can expect if you choose to stay. And for support.