nerd2

Hi! First post!

Oye... I don't know where to start. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE READING THIS!!! I have felt alone for.. ever. My dad beat my mom in front of me when I was 5. Hooray seeing my mom's face being bashed in with a frying pan.

My mom wanted me to have a relationship with my dad, despite him almost killing her; and my dad repeatedly told me throughout my entire childhood that he "thought of getting back together with my mom but then didn't think it was worth it"

At the end of the day, I blamed myself for all the **** that happened. No one said it was HIS fault, no one said it was HER fault, so I thought it was MY fault -- I was the only one left who had been in the room.

I'm 26 now and have dealt with serious alcohol, drug (mainly Adderall), and eating disorder problems for the majority of my life. I'm trying to get sober. I haven't had an Adderall since August. I want to try to stop drinking... and I hadn't had a drink since last Monday. But my father called and in his own way called me a piece of ****. So I walked a mile to a 7Eleven and bought a beer....


I'm staring at this beer trying to tell myself that I don't need it to feel relaxed...


I'm not sure what exactly I'm trying to get from sharing a brief part of my story on here, but... I just.. ****, I needed to say something, somewhere. Even if no one ever reads it. I needed to type this out for myself.

LBrain

It's unfortunate what some of us have gone through during our lives. Drowning our sorrows or hiding from the guilt and shame does nothing but prolong the agony sometimes. I feel for you, I really do. Wish I could say, "Just don't drink" and everything will get better. It doesn't work that way. But if you start on a path toward sobriety and seek the help you need things can only get better. I know a lot of people who exclaim their parents f'd them up. Sooner or later we must face that reality and make a decision. Do we let it control us forever? Or do we take up the challenge to help ourselves escape from our cocoons? That you have posted that means you desperately want to right yourself. Now would be a good time to start. But you cannot do it by yourself. You are carrying a heavy burden. Let someone help you with it. Seek out a professional if you can. I highly recommend this. Best wishes and positive thoughts for you.

Dee74

I replied to your other thread but welcome to Newcomers too Nerd2

D

nerd2

I do NOT blame my father, I completely take responsibility for my own actions and decisions. If there is any blame to be placed, it is to be placed on myself.

I have made the choices I have made. I know that.

Dee74

Drinking at someone never works. The only person who gets hurt is you.

Like I said in your other thread maybe you need some more support?

D

nerd2

Hi Dee74,

Thank you for your kind words, in both threads. I'm sorry, maybe I'm not ready for this.

Ruby2

Ditto what Dee said. I drank at the problems in my life, shouldering my alcoholism as yet another thing weighing me down. Another burden that was, like everything else that was wrong, my responsibility to carry. It was one thing that i could own as mine. I feel for you. What you went through should never, ever happen to a child. You can, if you let yourself, drop the rock. But you can't do it alone. That was my mistake. Welcome to SR.

Dee74

I used to say I'm not ready and a wise friend used to say you can stop digging whenever you want.

I think you can stop digging the hole anytime you like too, Nerd

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

D

StormiNormi

NERD2, you could be y daughter, and I could be your Mom. Only my daughter died, from suicide because of the depression she lived with as a direct result of my choices. Please seek help. I am so sorry. If I could change the past for you I would, but life is lived forwards, not backwards. God designed us to be overcomers. Let not your past define your future. God has wonderful plans for you, and He will use your experience for good, not evil. You are important in the overall scheme of the universe. Let your experience help others. Ring forgiveness for your parents, that are a product of their environment. Nobody harms their children intentionally.

KateL

Welcome nerd xxx

FeelingGreat

Hi Nerd, you've already shown how strong you are by quitting Adderall, which is a difficult thing to do. Why did you stop? Because you have the wish to rise above your background and be better than your father.

Some people come from horrible families but have a quality that makes them stronger than their background. Your wish to be free of all addictions shows you are one of those people. You are not a helpless product of your parents, but a strong person in your own right.

Why not get as much support as you can from positive people and don't let your father get you down? He has his own devils, and they're not yours. If he starts putting you down tell him you have to go. He'll get the message soon enough.

Amazingglazier

Nerd Welcome to SR, You might think you are not ready but you are taking steps, never let anyone make you drink, it just magnifies the stress, pain and resentment! Look in a mirror and see where you are and then think of where you desire to be. Life is hard but YOU can make it more bearable and Happier! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby