Should I leave my fiancé?

Old 04-15-2014, 01:02 PM
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Should I leave my fiancé?

Hi all,

This is my first post here and I'm feeling pretty nervous and anxious.

My fiancé has been in rehab since April 10th. His drinking first became out of control this last 6 months however he has been a problem drinker since he first drank at age 16. He recently went to detox for 10 days in February but relapsed shortly after. He has now admit to me that he thought he would be able to "control" his drinking after detox but realizes now that he has hit rock bottom that he must abstain forever.

We are supposed to be getting married in early August and am petrified. I'm not sure what to do. I think that we should postpone the wedding and allow him to focus on his recovery. Part of me feels like I should leave him forever. Another part of me has faith that he can recover and have a happy married life.

We have been together for 9 years and postponing will be a huge financial loss as well as a big shame on me and my family (due to our culture).

When he calls me, he is obviously remorseful and promising to commit to recovery. He tells me that it is my choice but he really wants to go forward with the wedding.

I feel so lost. I am seeing a counsellor, attending Al anon, reading literature and this forum.

Please provide with any advice. It would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:10 PM
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My advice is...If you are having doubts about marrying him, then DON'T. That would be my advice to anyone, but especially to someone contemplating marrying an addict. Please don't tie yourself legally to an addict until they prove they are no longer active. After a year or two of consistent sobriety and working a strong program, you can always reconsider getting married.

Your family culture isn't who will be living with an addict. You are. Your family will get over it, but you must do what is best for YOU.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:12 PM
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Knowing what I know today, I would ,without a doubt, POSTPONE the wedding.

Do yourself a favor, get out of the way, he has a long way to go, and the odds are not in his favor. Do you know the percentage of addicts that successfully live in recovery?

Take some time and educate yourself about addiction, best to have all the facts in front of you when making such a life changing commitment.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:14 PM
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If I had it to do over, I would have never married him. If you are having doubts, run!!! Save yourself and any potential children the heartache.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:34 PM
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I think that we should postpone the wedding and allow him to focus on his recovery.
I am very much in agreement with this, and like Marie said -- it would be my advice even if he wasn't drinking, if you have the slightest bit of hesitation.

One of my childhood friends was about to get married -- invitations had been sent out, caterer had been contracted with, the whole nine yards -- when one day she walked into her dad's home office and said "Dad. I don't think I can do this."

And her dad -- who was a hardass by all accounts -- looked at her and said, "Honey, if you have even a little bit of hesitation, don't do it. It's better that you find out NOW that you don't want to be married to him than AFTER the wedding."

I know cultures are different -- but whatever shame you may feel by changing the wedding plans... trust me, they will be small fry compared to the heartache and pain of being married to an actively drinking alcoholic. I spent 20 years married to one (partly because I didn't want the shame of being divorced) and that was a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I would say the urgent part is to NOT get married when you have doubts.
The rest of it -- do you stay or do you leave? -- you have time to think that over.

I would suggest starting with getting educated about alcoholism. If he goes back to rehab, maybe they have family programs? If not, you could start going to Al-Anon -- I was recommended going to about a dozen meetings or so without judgment. It's different than I thought when I went to my first meeting -- and if I had decided based on my first couple of meetings, I wouldn't have gone back. Eight years after my first meeting, I credit Al-Anon and this board with saving my sanity.

I would say the most important part right now for you may be to really listen to what YOU want. It's so easy to get distracted by what a partner, parents, and friends want and say and think. Listen to your gut on this, and if you're in doubt, don't marry him -- yet.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:34 PM
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POSTPONE!!! POSTPONE !!! POSTPONE !!! POSTPONE !!! POSTPONE !!!
DO NOT DO IT.. Being married to an alcoholic is not the same as someone with a common cold..
It is so much easier to postpone and loose that money then divorce and more money and your sanity.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:36 PM
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Oh yes -- the financial part. I added up the lawyer fees for my divorce and custody disputes and they're somewhere in the vicinity of $40,000. And that was according to my lawyer "one of the quickest divorces I've ever been involved in." Just as a comparison to whatever you stand to lose by postponing the wedding.
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Old 04-15-2014, 01:59 PM
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Listen to your gut don't ignore it.

I would have to see significant sobriety before I would marry. Like 2 years minimum. Even so know that there are issues that come with people in recovery.

Spend some time on here reading other's stories. Certainly people who have not had any issues are not going to be on here, or maybe they don't exist.

Its a lot to take on. Most of us I would guess had no idea what we would be dealing with. If I had it to do over………..I'm not sure. I love my RAH he is a good man. Its been A LOT to have to deal with. Today I wouldn't trade him for the world but I do not feel that all the time.

We got together when we were older. We did not want children. Neither of us have kids from previous relationships. If kids were involved in some of what I have had to deal with we would NOT be together.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:46 PM
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Thanks for responses. I figured that this is what the response would be.

I'm naive to think that he will leave rehab this time after 6 weeks and totally embrace sobriety. We are only 26 and have our whole lives ahead of us.

I'm on the fence because I love him so much. I recognize that I am codependent with him. But I feel like because he is not a functional alcoholic and hit rock bottom at a young age (due to both his parent and myself detaching from him and refusing to rescue him) that he can accept a life of abstinence. And perhaps if he does have a relapse, be able to "get back on the wagon" with more ease.

I don't know
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:55 PM
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I don't know. (jb123)

^^^^^^^

Very important words right there, when you don't know, best to do NOTHING.
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Old 04-15-2014, 03:01 PM
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marie1960 is so right--it will be much easier to wait and marry later if he stays sober than it will to marry now and divorce later if he doesn't.

Probably the biggest thing I'm learning from Alanon is to WAIT when I'm not sure what action to take. Time almost always shows me what I need to do. And sometimes time resolves the whole problem w/o any input from me at all (imagine that! the world turns w/o me pushing it!).
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Old 04-15-2014, 03:14 PM
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Well that's the thing about relapse…….

I thought that if my husband ever relapsed that he would tell me, and we would go to AA no big deal.

I AM NOT KIDDING. That is what I thought.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No laughing matter. Relapses can be worse than the original situation that brought them to seek sobriety in the first place. My husband convinced himself he was no longer an alcoholic. He started drinking in secret. He would deny he was drinking when obviously drunk. It was the most awful period of time in my life.

My husband can die from drinking - that's no joke. He has chronic pancreatitis and diabetes type 1 from alcoholism. 10 years sober and knowing he could get very very sick, even die, he drank again.

Think long and hard about it my friend.
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Old 04-15-2014, 03:30 PM
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I married my husband nearly 17 yrs ago and he was and addict then although I was young and naive and didn't realise then. I thought it he was young and would settle down.

5 weeks ago he walked out to be on his own and drink. He has battled his addiction this whole time, even before I met him. I have supported him and stood by him. I love him deeply and miss him and yes I will continue to support him if he decides recovery is what he wants!

If you have any doubts think long and hard it's good he's seeking help but he needs to show you he is serious

Good luck and hugs
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Old 04-15-2014, 04:05 PM
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My younger sister had the wedding all planned, the honeymoon booked, and a month before, realized it wasn't what she wanted and called the whole thing off.

Ballsy, that sister of mine.

The honeymoon was nonrefundable and already booked - they went and had a great time, and eloped a few months later. (And he's a pretty normal guy - no addictions, not even cold feet - - - it just wasn't what she wanted and she had the guts to do it.) And we were so proud of her.

If you have second thoughts, trust your gut.
The very first second thought I ever had was on my honeymoon. (And this was well before he truly descended into the hell that is alcoholism) We'd been high school sweethearts and together for 4+ years at that point.

(My divorce was mediated and therefore relatively cheap, and the divorce itself ran about 10K. Add another 100K for alimony and it added up...)
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:06 PM
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Only you know what is best for you. Not us here at SR, not your family, not the people in your culture. Only you, YOU have to live your life, walk in your shoes. Just you. And if you can't...or aren't sure, then you really should wait til you can... or are sure. Period. What would these same people think if they knew he had this issue, would they still think you should marry him anyway? Hmm. Would they want to be married to an alcoholic and all that it carries with it? Do you KNOW what happens to many families of alcoholics?
Its GREAT that he recognizes that he has a problem. That is just a huge bonus, because so many don't. Ever. But, how sincere are his words that he recognizes it, I don't know, I am not there to hear them. I can only, all of us here can only speak from our own personal experience.
I would hold off on the wedding. My gut instinct says RUN (I am SO GLAD I DID), because of so many reasons...and yet since I don't know your situation that just isn't fair for me to make such a huge all encompassing life altering decision for you. Honestly? It sounds like you already know what you want to do...you just want us to tell you we agree, that its ok, that its the right choice. And hey, I GET that. I understand.
You are so young. You have TIME, loads of time, to get this figured out. Money is only money, but your life, your future children, your whole existence depends on this massive decision, so its one that should be made carefully. Very Very Very carefully. Take time, pleeenty of time, to think this through.
Learn, read, talk to people. Educate yourself in this as much as you can. If your gut says wait, then you should wait. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. In myriad ways. If its bad enough now that he is going to rehab, there is a very good chance that he will relapse afterwards and get even worse because you don't get to rehab by drinking two beers once a week..ok I guess you could, but you get my point. Its just the truth. Of course, he might not, he might beat it and get sober. The odds are stacked pretty heavily against that though aren't they? I would much rather you hear the hurtful reality of it now than later.
Doing some math here, you have been with him since you were 17...basically your whole adult...I say adult lightly, not rudely, but hey, you are so young...your whole adult life. Have you had any opportunity to see other guys? To date normal guys, by normal I mean sober. This would definitely put some perspective on this guy.
You only owe yourself an explanation. So hey do some deep thinking. The wedding isn't tomorrow, its months away. For your sakes, for the sakes of your future kids, please please think this one through as carefully as possible. Their lives will absolutely be impacted by his behavior....whether its good or bad, ok? And his behavior will affect them...to the point that it affects their parenting skills...and then their kids.
I have seen this in my ex father in law...and I had no idea what an ACOA was until I got here. Had I known...I would not have married my ex husband, who won't touch alcohol but has every behavior of a dry drunk co alcoholic. My son was learning those behaviors til I divorced his verbally/emotionally abusive dad and booted him out the door. My ex father in law was an alcoholic who got sober when his wife presented him with divorce papers. His dad was an alcoholic, and his dad and so on and so forth. It perpetuates in the generations in untold ways. My kids are now watching what used to be their 6' 3" grandfather barely able to walk, because he has so much damage from decades of a twelve pack a night. They have moments where he makes them cry because of his dry drunk ******** behavior...and they watch him fade into nothing, decades later, because he chose to drink like a fish every night. Probably to cope with his memories of growing up with...yep, an alcoholic. Dummy me, I jumped out of the fire into the pot or however that goes? I left my ex husband, and found myself a mentally unstable abusive alcoholic. Aren't I brilliant?? He started out perfect, it felt perfect....but now, years later, years that I cannot get back, my kids are damaged from watching their mom get hurt and abused, my kids are fighting some of that learned behavior themselves. I am damaged, as well. They have to watch me try to pick myself up and put myself back together. If I could go back to that one moment where I had that choice...much as you have that choice now? For my kids sakes? I would boot myself in the ass and say OH HELL NO YOU DON'T. I would tell myself to get the hell away from him. There are millions of men. Ya know? So, hey....THINK this through.

Hugs. And do not let anyone tell you how to live your life. Ever.
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:17 PM
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Only you can decide your path - no one here "should" decide for you. How are you feeling about it? Do you have doubts? Your gut knows the answer.

I used to ask people what I should do a lot and what I didn't realize at the time was that was a signal to me I wasn't listening to myself and needed to spend some time finding myself and being comfortable in my own skin with my inner voice before getting in a relationship. Following "shoulds" or "woulds" or "we" directives for me signaled I was doing things for the wrong reasons and not for me (ME - the only person I control in my life - and also the #1). For me once I worked on that I was able to see my own path more clearly and I was able to stop trying to should, would or we others as well, this helped me be better able to see how I really felt and follow that inner voice...just some thoughts in case they apply. All of this also applies to doing what your family says you should do - you determine your life, and your happiness, no one else and you have one life to live so that's another reason to follow YOUR inner voice and YOUR gut. They will get over it and if they don't that's their issue not yours.

BTW - there isn't necessarily just a black or white answer to a situation - if you do choose to postpone that doesn't mean it's off forever....it means let's see what happens and decide later...nothing is wrong with that.
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