Co-dependent?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Co-dependent?
How does one know if they are co-dependent? I was married to my first husband when I was 20....found out he smoked pot (and probably other things) and divorced him in less then 3 yrs. We had a small child, I didn't have a job, but I did it and survived.
Married my current husband (alcoholic)....and this alcoholism just creeped in and got progressively worse. We've been married 17 yrs. At first, he might get drunk every 3 months or so...never drank around me, I just thought he was immature and would grow out of it.
Fast forward 17 yrs, we moved out of state for his work (he had lost a great job in our home state due to alcohol). He moved first (while I settled the home front) then the kids and I joined him. He had been drinking daily for the 9 months we were seperated. We lived together for a little over a year, and I couldn't take it anymore...so I packed up the kids and moved back "home". Our relationship consists of weekend visits, where he travels back home and manages to abstain for the weekend. We still have to put up with his moody, withdrawling behavior. We have lived the last year like this, together but apart.
We keep seperate finances, he is very bad with money. He pays for our cars, cell phone and TV. When he comes in he sometimes will buy some groceries. But for the most part, I am probably 80% on my own. (financially) I pay DD college tuition, paid off several thousand dollars of past due taxes (due to his drinking and cashing out retirement, etc), have 2 kids in HS and pay for all their stuff, my rent, utilities, etc.....
Why can't I divorce him? Am I co-dependent? What's wrong with me? I got rid of the first husband for much less(emotionally, physically and financially). The plan is that he is moving back "home" this summer because he misses his family....which I would be thrilled about IF he was sober.....he's not and I know he won't be "better" by then either. He spends most of his money on fast food, booze and porn. I hate the side of him that I see more and more, I barely remember the side of him that I once loved.
Married my current husband (alcoholic)....and this alcoholism just creeped in and got progressively worse. We've been married 17 yrs. At first, he might get drunk every 3 months or so...never drank around me, I just thought he was immature and would grow out of it.
Fast forward 17 yrs, we moved out of state for his work (he had lost a great job in our home state due to alcohol). He moved first (while I settled the home front) then the kids and I joined him. He had been drinking daily for the 9 months we were seperated. We lived together for a little over a year, and I couldn't take it anymore...so I packed up the kids and moved back "home". Our relationship consists of weekend visits, where he travels back home and manages to abstain for the weekend. We still have to put up with his moody, withdrawling behavior. We have lived the last year like this, together but apart.
We keep seperate finances, he is very bad with money. He pays for our cars, cell phone and TV. When he comes in he sometimes will buy some groceries. But for the most part, I am probably 80% on my own. (financially) I pay DD college tuition, paid off several thousand dollars of past due taxes (due to his drinking and cashing out retirement, etc), have 2 kids in HS and pay for all their stuff, my rent, utilities, etc.....
Why can't I divorce him? Am I co-dependent? What's wrong with me? I got rid of the first husband for much less(emotionally, physically and financially). The plan is that he is moving back "home" this summer because he misses his family....which I would be thrilled about IF he was sober.....he's not and I know he won't be "better" by then either. He spends most of his money on fast food, booze and porn. I hate the side of him that I see more and more, I barely remember the side of him that I once loved.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Interestingly, a few days before I joined this forum. I called him and he was slurring his words....so I simply said that I would call him tomorrow that I couldn't talk right then. (I had made up my mind that I will no longer talk with him if he's drunk, if he want's to talk to me, then he must be sober). The next day, same thing happened.
On the thrid day, he was mad but sober and questioned why I had avoided him. I said, "If you can choose to drink, then I can choose to not talk to you when you're drunk". He was irrate, said that whoever was giving me that "detachment" type of advice, I better stop listening because it wouldn't work for us, etc.....
The next day I found this forum.
On the thrid day, he was mad but sober and questioned why I had avoided him. I said, "If you can choose to drink, then I can choose to not talk to you when you're drunk". He was irrate, said that whoever was giving me that "detachment" type of advice, I better stop listening because it wouldn't work for us, etc.....
The next day I found this forum.
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Here's a pretty simple definition of codependency.
"One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses or simply not show much interest in the partnership. Then the other partner -- who is the codependent one -- goes all-out to try to "fix" the problem.
For example, if someone is with an alcoholic, taking care of that person or kowtowing to that person's needs, addresses something in the codependent partner's personality, says psychologist and author of The Emotional Toolbox, Daniel Bochner. "They have a hard time leaving it," he says. "They get locked into trying to save their partner or the relationship over and over."
Codependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested, Tessina says. "This may happen in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one."
Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. "Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control," Bochner says. "The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so the codependent partner gets to be the person who is in control and thus respected."
He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."
"One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses or simply not show much interest in the partnership. Then the other partner -- who is the codependent one -- goes all-out to try to "fix" the problem.
For example, if someone is with an alcoholic, taking care of that person or kowtowing to that person's needs, addresses something in the codependent partner's personality, says psychologist and author of The Emotional Toolbox, Daniel Bochner. "They have a hard time leaving it," he says. "They get locked into trying to save their partner or the relationship over and over."
Codependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested, Tessina says. "This may happen in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one."
Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. "Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control," Bochner says. "The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so the codependent partner gets to be the person who is in control and thus respected."
He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."
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Lol. It might not work for him, but it will work great for you. I have a similar boundary about intoxicated conversations and it helps preserve my sanity and serenity. Good for you and welcome. This is a great forum.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Here's a pretty simple definition of codependency.
He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."
He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."
OK, this part sounds more like me, perhaps. Except I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just want a normal life. But, I will say this, I do need to take better care of myself, I have ignored myself...gained weight, not eating healthy anymore, stopped yoga, etc....so I can see that I am failing at that.
When I lost weight, I started to get some "attention" from some people at work. I really think, that I was afraid that I'd cheat on my husband because I have this resentment built up towards him....so I think I deliberately allowed myself to put on some weight, etc....so I wouldn't have to deal with that. A way to avoid the situation completely. That is sick, isn't it?
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Originally Posted by paige73
He was irrate, said that whoever was giving me that "detachment" type of advice, I better stop listening because it wouldn't work for us, etc.....
Almost like they don't give us any credit for coming up with things on our own.
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When I lost weight, I started to get some "attention" from some people at work. I really think, that I was afraid that I'd cheat on my husband because I have this resentment built up towards him....so I think I deliberately allowed myself to put on some weight, etc....so I wouldn't have to deal with that. A way to avoid the situation completely. That is sick, isn't it?
Couple of questions:
Do you feel like it would somehow reflect badly on you if you were not just divorced but -- *gasp* -- "twice divorced"?
Do you think it is "better for the children" if you stay together?
Are you waiting for someone to "give you permission" to leave?
Do you think -- like in that quote about codependence -- that you are strong enough to handle it, and if you just love him enough, he will change?
I'm asking because those were all things that kept me from divorcing my husband for over a decade. (Except the twice divorced part -- being divorced ONCE was, with my background, a difficult enough pill to swallow.)
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Originally Posted by lillamy
Yes. That is not a healthy way of approaching things.
Couple of questions:
Do you feel like it would somehow reflect badly on you if you were not just divorced but -- *gasp* -- "twice divorced"? Yes, I hate the thought of failing at another marriage
Do you think it is "better for the children" if you stay together?Not really, except that I feel like I can provide them more safety with us being together, if I had to send them off to him, I would be scared for their safety...he drives drunk, etc
Are you waiting for someone to "give you permission" to leave?Maybe, IDK, haven't thought about that. my family would be supportive though, they know everything we've been through
Do you think -- like in that quote about codependence -- that you are strong enough to handle it, and if you just love him enough, he will change?That ship has sailed, he's been to rehab I think 4 times, DUI, lost job, etc....I can't change him, I gave that up about 3 yrs ago. Am i strong enough to handle it, yeah, at 41....will I be abe to handle it at 50 or 60? NOPE
I'm asking because those were all things that kept me from divorcing my husband for over a decade. (Except the twice divorced part -- being divorced ONCE was, with my background, a difficult enough pill to swallow.)
Couple of questions:
Do you feel like it would somehow reflect badly on you if you were not just divorced but -- *gasp* -- "twice divorced"? Yes, I hate the thought of failing at another marriage
Do you think it is "better for the children" if you stay together?Not really, except that I feel like I can provide them more safety with us being together, if I had to send them off to him, I would be scared for their safety...he drives drunk, etc
Are you waiting for someone to "give you permission" to leave?Maybe, IDK, haven't thought about that. my family would be supportive though, they know everything we've been through
Do you think -- like in that quote about codependence -- that you are strong enough to handle it, and if you just love him enough, he will change?That ship has sailed, he's been to rehab I think 4 times, DUI, lost job, etc....I can't change him, I gave that up about 3 yrs ago. Am i strong enough to handle it, yeah, at 41....will I be abe to handle it at 50 or 60? NOPE
I'm asking because those were all things that kept me from divorcing my husband for over a decade. (Except the twice divorced part -- being divorced ONCE was, with my background, a difficult enough pill to swallow.)
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Here's a pretty simple definition of codependency. "One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses or simply not show much interest in the partnership. Then the other partner -- who is the codependent one -- goes all-out to try to "fix" the problem. For example, if someone is with an alcoholic, taking care of that person or kowtowing to that person's needs, addresses something in the codependent partner's personality, says psychologist and author of The Emotional Toolbox, Daniel Bochner. "They have a hard time leaving it," he says. "They get locked into trying to save their partner or the relationship over and over." Codependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested, Tessina says. "This may happen in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one." Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. "Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control," Bochner says. "The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so the codependent partner gets to be the person who is in control and thus respected." He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."
Nothing strokes your ego more and validates you than being with someone who is really messed up.
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You moved because he lost his job... due to his drinking.
You paid off the tax bill... that was due to his drinking.
You feel like crap about yourself... because he tells you you're stupid/ugly/whatever.
You pay for everything you need to live... He gets the fun stuff.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Anger, hurt, and resentment don't count. Where visitation is concerned, my only advice is to document, document, document. Your best weapon in fighting for your kids is to have a record of everything. Time, date, details. Everything.
You paid off the tax bill... that was due to his drinking.
You feel like crap about yourself... because he tells you you're stupid/ugly/whatever.
You pay for everything you need to live... He gets the fun stuff.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Anger, hurt, and resentment don't count. Where visitation is concerned, my only advice is to document, document, document. Your best weapon in fighting for your kids is to have a record of everything. Time, date, details. Everything.
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