Addict Wife and Mother of a 9 month old
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Addict Wife and Mother of a 9 month old
My wife is addicted to pain pills, mood stabilizers and alcohol. But that's not the issue. What's eating me alive is that she is the main responsible party for our 9 month old infant.
I appreciate the empathy I would receive from kind hearted and well intentioned forum posters. But honestly -- that's not what I need. I need to find some direction. I'll detail the important parts.
My wife has an aggressive personality. What makes matters worse is that she's incredibly smart and very pretty. As such, she can walk into any doctor's office ask them to write her a prescription for a bunch of drugs, and they'll do it. I'm left to deal with the consequences.
When we were dating, I noticed there was a problem. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time but my wife would routinely complain about not having enough energy. To compensate she'd take pain killers which she swore gave her some energy, prescription diet pills, seroquel to help her sleep, and drink about 5-6 beer, hard alcohol or wine servings per day. Around 5 or 6 PM every day she'd be in an altered state marked by some slight slurred speech, problems in memory and a "short fuse". Of course the cocktail of drugs and alcohol also greatly affects her judgment. Right around 4-5 PM she starts to make some questionable decisions and seems removed from reality. This would all go away the next day when the cycle would start again in the am.
When we had our child, she got off all the drugs and alcohol. But soon after the child was born, she started again. The first problem came a few months ago when she stayed out late at night without giving me any notice (typically unlike her). The next problem occurred earlier this year when stayed out for a few nights straight and didn't remember doing it a few days later. The next problem was just a few months ago when thinking she lost her dogs she tried to commit suicide. She then promised she'd never mix drugs and alcohol, but a week later got some other doctor to write her the prescriptions she needs. A few weeks after she got on our ATV while intoxicated, with her nephew and ran the ATV up a tree. Luckily no one got hurt.
It's been 4 weeks since that incident and the last time I came home to my wife and she was sober was the week after her suicide attempt when she was apologizing and making promises that she wouldn't keep.
My concern, today, is for our child. Although I know in my heart that she would never let anything happen to our infant son intentionally, her altered state makes good decision making difficult. I'd be lying to you if I told you that when she doesn't pick up her phone, the worst isn't going through my head. In fact the worst 15 minutes of my day are my drive back home. I'm always expecting to find my son crawling without any supervision in a room. Though that's never happened, it wouldn't be too far of a stretch to envision a scenario where it would.
I've dabbled with speaking to an attorney to figure out how to get sole custody of our son. I can put him into a daycare and take care him of afterwards, but what stops me is that there is nothing certain guaranteeing me sole custody and I'd be ripping away a child that my wife deeply loves away from her and she from him.
But I have a hunch that this problem is only going to get worse. For those of you that have been through what I'm going through, what do you recommend? Should I put my son in a day care so at least I can destress during the day not worried that something awful is about to happen to him? Do I start documenting days and moods of my wife along with her pill consumption to present to a judge at some point --????
I can't believe I'm considering all this......... I love my wife dearly. But at the same time i'd rather be prepared. It kills me to say that...
Sorry for the long post...I'm just scared and paralyzed at the same time.
I appreciate the empathy I would receive from kind hearted and well intentioned forum posters. But honestly -- that's not what I need. I need to find some direction. I'll detail the important parts.
My wife has an aggressive personality. What makes matters worse is that she's incredibly smart and very pretty. As such, she can walk into any doctor's office ask them to write her a prescription for a bunch of drugs, and they'll do it. I'm left to deal with the consequences.
When we were dating, I noticed there was a problem. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time but my wife would routinely complain about not having enough energy. To compensate she'd take pain killers which she swore gave her some energy, prescription diet pills, seroquel to help her sleep, and drink about 5-6 beer, hard alcohol or wine servings per day. Around 5 or 6 PM every day she'd be in an altered state marked by some slight slurred speech, problems in memory and a "short fuse". Of course the cocktail of drugs and alcohol also greatly affects her judgment. Right around 4-5 PM she starts to make some questionable decisions and seems removed from reality. This would all go away the next day when the cycle would start again in the am.
When we had our child, she got off all the drugs and alcohol. But soon after the child was born, she started again. The first problem came a few months ago when she stayed out late at night without giving me any notice (typically unlike her). The next problem occurred earlier this year when stayed out for a few nights straight and didn't remember doing it a few days later. The next problem was just a few months ago when thinking she lost her dogs she tried to commit suicide. She then promised she'd never mix drugs and alcohol, but a week later got some other doctor to write her the prescriptions she needs. A few weeks after she got on our ATV while intoxicated, with her nephew and ran the ATV up a tree. Luckily no one got hurt.
It's been 4 weeks since that incident and the last time I came home to my wife and she was sober was the week after her suicide attempt when she was apologizing and making promises that she wouldn't keep.
My concern, today, is for our child. Although I know in my heart that she would never let anything happen to our infant son intentionally, her altered state makes good decision making difficult. I'd be lying to you if I told you that when she doesn't pick up her phone, the worst isn't going through my head. In fact the worst 15 minutes of my day are my drive back home. I'm always expecting to find my son crawling without any supervision in a room. Though that's never happened, it wouldn't be too far of a stretch to envision a scenario where it would.
I've dabbled with speaking to an attorney to figure out how to get sole custody of our son. I can put him into a daycare and take care him of afterwards, but what stops me is that there is nothing certain guaranteeing me sole custody and I'd be ripping away a child that my wife deeply loves away from her and she from him.
But I have a hunch that this problem is only going to get worse. For those of you that have been through what I'm going through, what do you recommend? Should I put my son in a day care so at least I can destress during the day not worried that something awful is about to happen to him? Do I start documenting days and moods of my wife along with her pill consumption to present to a judge at some point --????
I can't believe I'm considering all this......... I love my wife dearly. But at the same time i'd rather be prepared. It kills me to say that...
Sorry for the long post...I'm just scared and paralyzed at the same time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
If you can get him in daycare - do it.
Document, video, everything when she gets intoxicated. Every time.
The baby is not safe with her.
I hope someone comes a long and can help more. I'm just a concerned mom.
Document, video, everything when she gets intoxicated. Every time.
The baby is not safe with her.
I hope someone comes a long and can help more. I'm just a concerned mom.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi AAK, I'm sorry for what you're going through. There are some very wise people on this forum who will be able to respond better that me, but here are my thoughts:
- documenting is essential as long as you can make it as factual as possible. Many posters say that the courts don't give proper weight to addiction so the more you have, the better. You have the accident with her nephew, her prescriptions (if possible to get copies) and the unexplained absences.
- find a good lawyer who is experienced with family law and addiction
- are there any family members such as her siblings, parents etc who can join with you in expressing concern about her addictions? Maybe getting her to voluntarily go to rehab? The parents of her nephew would be a good start. If her addictions are secret, tell them about it. Secrecy is the enemy of sobriety.
- Will you be able to put your child into day care without her consent?
- Your wife's aggressive personality means you will have to be very firm when it comes to care of your child. You will have to take a 'no tolerance' approach to her sobriety but this is the only way you can deal with an addict.
- expect anger, justifications, threats, binges, tears, promises. Addicts don't let anything come between them and their DOC unless they are forced into it. She won't like it.
ATM you're the only protection your child has against harm. Sure your wife loves him, but not enough to get and stay sober.
- documenting is essential as long as you can make it as factual as possible. Many posters say that the courts don't give proper weight to addiction so the more you have, the better. You have the accident with her nephew, her prescriptions (if possible to get copies) and the unexplained absences.
- find a good lawyer who is experienced with family law and addiction
- are there any family members such as her siblings, parents etc who can join with you in expressing concern about her addictions? Maybe getting her to voluntarily go to rehab? The parents of her nephew would be a good start. If her addictions are secret, tell them about it. Secrecy is the enemy of sobriety.
- Will you be able to put your child into day care without her consent?
- Your wife's aggressive personality means you will have to be very firm when it comes to care of your child. You will have to take a 'no tolerance' approach to her sobriety but this is the only way you can deal with an addict.
- expect anger, justifications, threats, binges, tears, promises. Addicts don't let anything come between them and their DOC unless they are forced into it. She won't like it.
ATM you're the only protection your child has against harm. Sure your wife loves him, but not enough to get and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 6
If it was any other person putting your child in harms way you wouldn't hesitate to remove him from their care. Imagine a babysitter that acted like that, you'd fire her for sure. The health and safety of your child is paramount, but standing up to your wife will be extremely hard. Do you have any family members willing to have him over with them instead? Also why would you need custody just to get him in daycare?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so relieved that you recognize the danger that dear child is in at any time in her care, even when you are home. What if the child found pills and ate them? What if your wife was caring for the child before bed and dropped them or shook them too hard if they cried?
My heart and prayers go out for your wife, and for you too. You are both adults and make choices, good or bad about how to live your lives with or without each other. But please be the voice of your child and protect him as if his life depends on it...because it does, dear man, it does.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it is to watch someone we love self-destruct. I'm glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and support here.
Hugs
My heart and prayers go out for your wife, and for you too. You are both adults and make choices, good or bad about how to live your lives with or without each other. But please be the voice of your child and protect him as if his life depends on it...because it does, dear man, it does.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it is to watch someone we love self-destruct. I'm glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and support here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Aak723 
Should I put my son in a day care so at least I can destress during the day not worried that something awful is about to happen to him?
Do I start documenting days and moods of my wife along with her pill consumption to present to a judge at some point --????
then -- after she sees your concern
you two together may wish to discuss other possibilities
counseling, treatment, AA, church etc.
MM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
I think the best advice has been already given.
Remove your son from the home while you're not there and document everything so that if there ever comes a point you DO need to fight for custody, you'll be able to provide it.
You would protect your son at all costs if this was someone else and no matter how much you love your wife and want to trust her, you need to protect him from her addiction, too.
Hopefully voicing your concerns for your son's welfare and putting him into daycare will strike the chord needed for her to make moves towards recovery.
I'm so sorry that you're having to make these choices. Good luck to you!
Remove your son from the home while you're not there and document everything so that if there ever comes a point you DO need to fight for custody, you'll be able to provide it.
You would protect your son at all costs if this was someone else and no matter how much you love your wife and want to trust her, you need to protect him from her addiction, too.
Hopefully voicing your concerns for your son's welfare and putting him into daycare will strike the chord needed for her to make moves towards recovery.
I'm so sorry that you're having to make these choices. Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I think you have received sound advice.
It's such a a difficult journey with an addict...
Being proactive is beneficial....I know several investigations with Child Protective Services due to drug use in the home!
It's such a a difficult journey with an addict...
Being proactive is beneficial....I know several investigations with Child Protective Services due to drug use in the home!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Do not leave your child alone with your wife. Ever.
You can't trust her judgement.
If you are in the kitchen cooking dinner for example, the baby needs to be with you
or in a different room where his mother is not.
She shouldn't drive with your child in the car, she shouldn't watch him while you work,
go grocery shopping, run an errand or go for a run. Even in the middle of the night
when your child wakes up ? you probably shouldn't trust her alone with him.
You probably do need some good legal advice.
Separation is probably easier than living with your wife in these conditions.
I have a friend who drank when her daughter was little. I can't remember how her ex
went about things but I am pretty sure the police was involved though I can't remember
why. Family services were involved and she had to be tested for alcohol to
see her daughter.
You can't trust her judgement.
If you are in the kitchen cooking dinner for example, the baby needs to be with you
or in a different room where his mother is not.
She shouldn't drive with your child in the car, she shouldn't watch him while you work,
go grocery shopping, run an errand or go for a run. Even in the middle of the night
when your child wakes up ? you probably shouldn't trust her alone with him.
You probably do need some good legal advice.
Separation is probably easier than living with your wife in these conditions.
I have a friend who drank when her daughter was little. I can't remember how her ex
went about things but I am pretty sure the police was involved though I can't remember
why. Family services were involved and she had to be tested for alcohol to
see her daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
First, thank you for all the replies. The responses were what I needed to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I want to drop a line and update.
Amazingly enough out of her own will, my wife kicked the anti-depressants. This was part of the problem as fusing alcohol with zoloft was making her really loopy. However, she still has between 3-10 drinks per day and is still taking pain medication and of course diet pills.
I put our son in a daycare down the street. He starts next week. Honestly this was the biggest issue as having him in the day care would be a huge, HUGE relief to everyone around.
My next concern lies with separation. I'm not yet sure I'm ready to take that step as no matter where i look, father's rights in any state are zilch. My wife isn't a crackhead. Which apparently is what the mother needs to be in order for a judge to consider granting full custody to the father. Have any of you fathers gone through a legal separation where you won primary custody of the child? Can you please tell me what you had to do to get there??
Thank you!
Amazingly enough out of her own will, my wife kicked the anti-depressants. This was part of the problem as fusing alcohol with zoloft was making her really loopy. However, she still has between 3-10 drinks per day and is still taking pain medication and of course diet pills.
I put our son in a daycare down the street. He starts next week. Honestly this was the biggest issue as having him in the day care would be a huge, HUGE relief to everyone around.
My next concern lies with separation. I'm not yet sure I'm ready to take that step as no matter where i look, father's rights in any state are zilch. My wife isn't a crackhead. Which apparently is what the mother needs to be in order for a judge to consider granting full custody to the father. Have any of you fathers gone through a legal separation where you won primary custody of the child? Can you please tell me what you had to do to get there??
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
I am the mother, my husband is the cocaine, benzo and alcohol addict, he still has supervised visits with out sweet daughter, but I know that she is safe. It took 2 years in the family court system. I filed for divorce after the 2nd DUI when he was supposed to be sober. I believe in my heart that he would have never intentionally hurt our daughter, but mixing any prescriptions with alcohol is very dangerous for the mind. He is still using and somewhat managing. If love could cure an addict my hopefully soon to be ex would be cured. Myself and our daughter loved him so much, but he is not the same man, Prescriptions and alcohol have changed his brain. Great job for finding a daycare, one step at a time... You could wait and see how your wife reacts to having more time on her hands. Have you thought about drop off or pickups? Will she be capable of this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
What ever you have to do to ensure your young son is safe . if that means staying with her, so be it. if you can, document everything, get legal advice, to try to find out if it is possible for you to get custody.
quitting the zoloft, I dont know how hard that would be, but the things she is still doing, of course you know they are just as dangerous together.
. dont give up on fathers rights. someone has to fight, to change the laws.
prayers for safety and peace for you and your precious son. and recovery for her.
quitting the zoloft, I dont know how hard that would be, but the things she is still doing, of course you know they are just as dangerous together.
. dont give up on fathers rights. someone has to fight, to change the laws.
prayers for safety and peace for you and your precious son. and recovery for her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 49
As a father who has been involved in a custody fight with an unstable woman, I can wholeheartedly agree with the suggestions to document. Keep a daily journal, take pictures, get copies of the prescription meds, anything and everything that you might consider helpful. My suggestion is also, if you're seriously considering taking charge and doing this, stay calm, don't let her know what you are doing. Prepare.
A father getting custody is a difficult hurdle. I assume you are in the USA, some states are more receptive to giving a father custody. Florida has a decent outlook on fathers and custody. North Carolina not so much. I have fought the same battle in both states and those are the only two I am familiar with.
Best of luck to you and your son!
A father getting custody is a difficult hurdle. I assume you are in the USA, some states are more receptive to giving a father custody. Florida has a decent outlook on fathers and custody. North Carolina not so much. I have fought the same battle in both states and those are the only two I am familiar with.
Best of luck to you and your son!
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