meggygoround30

I have been in my new apartment for two weeks. The first week was tough. I had a lot of anxiety, not knowing what to do with myself because my life with my AXB was full of so much stress my body and brain didn't know what to do with freedom.

Now I try to spend as much time as I can out of my apartment so I don't isolate myself and get depressed. I have been walking a lot, going to the bookstore and reading empowering books.

But now- I'm trying to figure out how to think of my relationship so I can let it go. He was my first everything and turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. I am so confused about how to process the good side of him and the monster he would turn into. He has been sober for a few months now and doesn't think the violence was him. I know it must be hard for him to accept but it bothers me that he blames it solely on the disease. We are currently on good terms as friends but if he continues to think his violence was solely the alcohol and not him I don't think I can continue being friends. It's as if he's not taking responsibility for hurting me. He says he's sorry and I know he is but it's not enough. And I have no clue how what to even think about our entire relationship because it almost seems fake. I feel like I was lied to during the good times. Does that make sense?

amy55

All of this makes sense to me. You lost your trust in him. He hurt you, and no it wasn't the alcohol. Without the alcohol, he may be able to control himself better, but he will probably still have underlying anger issues. You did the right thing for you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

lillamy

I think you're still in a state of shock, sort of - I think i would just say be really good to yourself and give yourself what you need right now.

You don't have to solve all your problems immediately. Let yourself breathe. Rest. Find a balance and find you again. There's time for analyzing later.

Hugs.

marie1960

This relationship was simply a moment in time.

This relationship does not need to define you.

This relationship is not the rest of your life.

He doesn't need to validate or acknowledge what you already know.

Violence in a relationship is unacceptable.

Feel blessed that he is now your EX.

JMHO, maybe you currently do not need him in your life " as a friend" Why would you ever think someone who harmed you is a friend?

My guess, those violent tendencies , do not just evaporate because he is not currently drinking, that monster that he would become , is probably living just below the surface, the fact that he will neither acknowledge or accept responsibility, clearly says so.

embraced2000

al-anon.

take care of yourself. the rest will follow.

meggygoround30

Thank you everyone. I'm not sure why I'm holding on to him as a friend. I know it's not helping me move on. I'm in search of some support groups as well.

marie1960

i had to go no contact.

The clarity and answers I was seeking, was in fact, an inside job. Had very little to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me.

We are here to support you. Most of us have been right where you are, today. We understand, post all you want, it helps to get it out.

hopeful4

I can completely relate. My XAH would blame everything on drinking, however refusing to stop drinking and own that behavior does not show me that you have accepted responsibility for your behavior. I don't really know if my XAH is still drinking but I do know he does not see what it turned him into. He is very resentful I am seeking a divorce but it is what it is. It's a consequence of his drinking. The difference is me now. I no longer care if he owns it or not because I know I am done.

I hope he continues to get counseling and does not drink for our kids and himself, but I have stepped off the crazy train and won't be getting back on again, ever.

Good luck to you. I personally think it would be good for you to have no contact for a while and take the time to work on your own thoughts and feelings.

Good Luck and God Bless!

atalose

It’s not two different people or two different sides to him. It’s the same person always has been and always will be. It’s often referred to as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but the fact is you can’t have one without the other, because it’s the same person.

And it should bother you because unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable behavior – no excuses.

Now I am confused, you are rewarding his bad behavior with friendship YET if he continues to solely blame alcohol for that behavior you won’t continue being friend? He hurt you physically – and you are basically showing him with your friendship that it is ok what he did to you but at the same time you are saying it’s not ok he’s blames it on the alcohol…………………..what?

involved

Meggy- Be good to you. I know the feeling of trying to make sence of something in order to accept it and then let go. Have you read the big book of AA? Maybe learning about alcoholism will help you to understand the disease and recovery process...al anon was also adapted from AA. If he is newly sober he has a road to go before he can accept responsibility for the reckage of his past and understand the reasons for it. The denial is a defence thing. The drinking was the old coping method for when the spit hit the fan...recovery is a long process ... So you have to make you happy and let him travel his road. For me that little bit of hanging on was clinging to hope and delaying the hurt of the break up. I heard that "acceptance" doesnt mean you have to like something when you have accepted it...it means that you accept that thats how it is and have a decision to make for how to continue based on how you feel!

Good luck!

Live

alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues.

The best thing that opened my eyes was "Why Do They Do That ~ Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

missboots

Praying for you! It was excruciating for me to accept that my husband is violent, regardless of his drinking. Why can't we blame everything on the alcohol? Remove that and he'll be nice and happy and he'll apologize to me and even shower once in awhile! No baby. your alcoholic is a violent man. Why be friends with a man who hits women? There are sooooo many good guys out there but for right now, just love and protect yourself. You can't fix him but you ARE smart enough to fix you.