Butterfly

How has everyone else got through the first load do weeks/months after they separate from their Alcoholic husband/wife/partner!

I just don't seem to feel any better in fact the pain, anger and devastation just feels worse. After my anger bubbling over today at my AH I was exhausted but then the uncontrollable tears started and the overwhelming feelings of emptiness I honestly don't feel I can get through another hour feeling like this never mind another day. I feel broken.

Please tell me how you get through each day because I can't cope anymore!!!!

LifeRecovery

I had to feel it, before I felt better.

What you write about is where I was at for some time. For me feeling, being present and BEING in reality (not fantasty land that I lived with for a very long time) was how I got better. That was not an overnight job especially as I had been stuffing a lot of emotions for greater than 30 years.

That is the big picture answer.

In the short term and the moment I read a lot of trash, exercised and watched a lot of bad TV.

I know this will sounds strange, but what you are experiencing looks an awful lot like recovery to me.

Pia

Confused39- What helped me was the codependent no more book along with exercise everyday sometimes 3 times a day. If I recall it took about 2 months before I felt like my feet were getting planted firmly on the floor.
Also realizing NOTHING was my fault and believing it tooo. Learning that I couldn't have prevented anything from happening and that the road we were on just was different.
Almost forgot also doing things outside my comfort zone helped too because then I could focus on something that took a lot of my time
example Exercise- I couldn't run if my life depended on it before now I love it and can't live without it and I lost weight and firmed up.
I hope this helps.

Butterfly

Thanks. I think today was a real shock for me I've spent almost 4 weeks constantly crying all day everyday and have had a few days where although I felt teary I didn't sob my heart out like I did today.

I also can't stop texting him and asking why he won't get help and how could he not get help if he loves me as he says? I am obsessing constantly. I tell myself no contact but then I break it. I can't turn my phone off as I need it for work for the kids and my friends and I can't block his number as I need to contact him about the kids. Iam driving myself crazy!!

Pia

Confused39- this is a LONGGGGGG process, it isn't something that will be fixed over night or the next. Forgive yourself first and work on baby goals.

example not to text every hour. how about when you want to text you go run around the block instead.
Learn about something you always wanted to know the stars, the universe , nature

Find something that is going to exhaust you so much that time fly bys.
Start reading old posts here.

Have your tried Al-Anon?

lillamy

Well, the first couple of weeks for me were kind of foggy. I felt like I was in shock and couldn't really believe that this was my life.

BUT I had lots of things to do: Find a new apartment, open a new bank account, forward my mail to a PO box, take care of the kids and all their questions, WORK (yeah, I missed two days but otherwise I wanted to get us all back into the routine asap).

Once we got into our place after two weeks, there was getting that in order somehow -- asking people for leftover furniture and kitchen gear (I didn't have a single pot or pan)... and all that stuff was actually helpful. It kept me busy and kept my mind off him.

I also threw a party in my new place less than a month after leaving. Invited friends and told them "it will be pizza and soda and you'd better bring a pillow 'cause I don't have a single chair!" and it was great. It was so nice to fill the place up with friends and sort of celebrate my new life.

I would say KEEP BUSY any way you can. Read. Binge watch TV series on Netflix. Go for long walks. Listen to music. Dance and clean. Whatever you can come up with. And do all the things you wanted to but couldn't when he was around.

It does get better. Much better. But it takes time. And there's no way there but through the pain. But it makes you stronger. You come out a healthier happier person on the other side.

Seren

Hi Confused,

It hurts like heck, doesn't it?

I'm really sorry...I know, and I've been there. I think many of us have. My breakup with my ex-husband was about the worst thing I've been through emotionally.

A few things really helped me:

1) Complete and total acceptance of the end of the relationship. I could be angry, sad, heartbroken, devastated, furious, numb, depressed, and any other emotion I could think of, but I had to accept the finality of it. My relationship was over. I was never going to have this person in my life in any way as he had been before. It was not going to be fixed. This took a lot of crying myself to sleep at night, crying in the shower, crying in the car to and from work reliving the same emotions over and over again, but I had to accept it.

2) I made the decision that although I may have been rejected, I was going to maintain my dignity to the extent I possibly could. This meant doing anything and everything in my power to not call him, not answer if he called, not react to anything inflammatory he said if I saw him. I did not feel like I deserved to be treated with respect, but gosh darn it....I was going to act may way into believing it!

3) Counseling

4) A journal in which I wrote for about 20 minutes each day just off-loading all the painful and angry emotions....big huge letters of grief scrawled across the page. It really is very healing to let out all of the pain.

Sending hugs and prayers for a peaceful night, Confused. It sounds like you could use a good night's sleep, and I hope you get it tonight.

meggygoround30

I wasn't legally married but was with my XAB for almost 7 years. I have felt the same as you, from what I understand it's normal. Are you physically out of the space you shared together? That helped me a lot. Or f it's not possible to move, at least redecorate. Also don't feel bad about doing things for Y. Treat yourself to a funny movie or a new outfit. I spent way too much $ so be careful with that but it does help. Also spend time with people who care about you. Journaling helps too. Remember that the rollercoaster of emotions is totally normal and you need to feel them in order to get to the other side. Hugs!

Live

My therapist had me out in the woods alone, throwing rocks at trees and swearing up a storm. It is a good release for anger.
Too bad you don't have a heavy bag to punch on.
Maybe beat the hell out of a pillow?

amy55

I have been "out" for awhile now, but I remember that. I also remember thinking that I actually found myself feeling more alone when he was home, then when he wasn't. To me, I had to realize, I wasn't missing him as much as I was missing my expectations of what it was supposed to be like.

FireSprite

You know what surprised me the most when RAH & I first separated? I had no idea how or when or why I got so scared. We weren't on terrible terms, he was never abusive & we didn't originally separate due to drinking (that developed during the separation) but suddenly I was terrified of being alone at night. Scared of every noise, absolutely paranoid about locking the doors the minute I walked in, never venturing outside after dark & setting the alarm at night with us locked inside so that I could sleep peacefully. I still woke for every little noise. I had never, ever been that way. Wouldn't have thought of myself that way at all. I eventually just realized that I was feeling insecure & vulnerable & that it was the first time I lived alone with a small child to care for. It took me months of baby stepping away from that mentality to get back to a less over the top reaction. Rearranging furniture & rooms helped a lot - it felt a lot like reclaiming my space.

Everything you are describing sounds perfectly normal to me. It takes a lot of time to digest all the changes happening in your life & after some good raging anger I am always wrung out emotionally & ready for a good cry & some sleep. I 2nd a lot of the other ideas in this thread - I definitely dove into escapism via reality TV with the Real Housewives during that time & had to make a conscious effort to step outside of my comfort zone & let in new ideas, new routines. Learning to self-care & not feel selfish & guilty. It will come together for you, just give yourself time.

Butterfly

At this minute I don't know how I am going to get through the next hour feeling so devastated. One minute I am incredibly angry the next I am in floods of tears.

Butterfly

Iam struggling with my emotions one minute I am so angry and I tell him how much I hate him for what he has done and how he's done it. I tell him that I feel that he has lied to me when he said he loved me and when he talked about what he wanted for our future I tell him I never want to see him again then I feel guilty and I apologise for being nasty to him and how I want to support him and I will always be here for him when he needs me. I am constantly trying to interpret his messages to me the odd time he says he in in love with me and that he will always love me but other times he won't tell me how he feels about me he just alludes to loving me he says it's not fair to tell me as he wants to be on his own and he's sorry. I know people say these are hooks to keep me hanging about but when my husband isn't drinking he is the most loving and thoughtful person I know. Is it possible that he really left because he didn't want to keep hurting me and yes I know that the fact he isn't seeking help says a lot but I hate to think that he lied to me for so long

theuncertainty

(((hugs))) It helped me to tell myself "You don't have to get through the next month, next week or even the next day.... Just the next 5 minutes... OK... next minute."

I found that while I was with AXH my emotions were so pushed down and connected to how HE felt that I didn't know what a real emotion felt like any more. So when I left and the numbness left any emotion I had felt completely overwhelming.

I think some one here had mentioned that emotions are like waves. They come, they recede.

Picturing that helped me, too. Because even when I felt I was swamped by anger, I could picture it receding to where it barely even touched my toes.

Don't give up. You'll be OK, you already are.

Pia

That walk or run around the block sounds good. You can cry as you walk and think of what you need to do to take care of confused39.

Butterfly

I worry that he will meet someone else and that person will be the one he gives up drinking for then my anxieties and fears that it is me that makes him unhappy that he drinks and I'm not good enough. I constantly feel this is why he left and is using drink as his excuse. I'm exhausted constantly having all these negative thoughts why' and what ifs running round in my head

redatlanta

Listen I feel you I have been there in previous relationship.

This is what you have to get through your head/heart - no one wants to be an addict or alcoholic. He doesn't want this monkey but it is his cross to bare.

No one who isn't an alcoholic can completely understand what it is to be one. We can only understand so much. I am sure he would love to be able to never drink again, but to him it is air. Unless an alcoholic really wants to stop they won't, it doesn't matter if they go to rehab or AA they have to want to want it BAD.

Stop trying to interpret his messages that is just a mind f**k deal with the facts. He is not getting treatment, he is not ready to stop drinking. Those are the facts. It has caused you to separate there is no longer a way for you to live together.

Sometimes losses of family are what makes the alcoholic decide they do want help. There is no way to guess whether this will be your AH. I have known people that seemed not to have a bottom at all.

I recommend to seek a therapist. You need some help with coping mechanisms. You are driving yourself crazy and its not helping the situation.

Peace to you its a horrible way to feel - it will not be forever.

hopeful4

The difference is, this is a stage of grief for you. You will go through it and it will pass. If you stay with someone hurting you, the pain is there day after day.

Hugs. It will get better.

redatlanta

If he met someone (let's call them fool) then they would be in the same boat you are in. Trust me anyone worth a **** would run screaming from your AH and his issues.

YOU DIDN"T CAUSE IT. You can't cure it. You can't control it.

You did not make him an alcoholic. Knock that thinking out of your head.

lillamy

I can't for the life of me remember who it was -- but it was someone here -- who gathered smooth rocks. And then she took a sharpie and wrote her pain and sorrow on the rocks. And when she had enough of them, she stuck them in a backpack, hiked up a mountain, and threw those rocks as far as she could.

It just seemed to me like a fantastic way of physically "getting rid of" all that old junk!

Listen: I think pretty much everyone here at one point or another had their A tell them "YOU are the reason why I drink." It's another quack. It's what they say. The further away you get from him (in time and space), the more you will find that those thoughts -- "maybe it really WAS my fault" -- disappear, and you start asking yourself "HOW could I ever believe that???".

He may meet someone else. He may even tell you "she's so much better/smarter/prettier/skinnier than you that I don't have to drink when I'm with her." And that will be another quack.

An actively drinking A does not want to take responsibility for his actions. So he has to find someone else to blame. If it's not you, it's the boss, or the weather, or the sports team lost, or something else. It's just never HIM.

Don't buy that.
Alcoholics don't drink because someone else makes them unhappy.
Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics.

Big hugs, my friend. I promise, it will get better.