It's official, I think I've lost it. :/
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
It's official, I think I've lost it. :/
Hi, I'm new to this page and sought you out because apparently I need some support. Today, while I was having lunch, I thought my newly soberish husband had been drinking. (We've been on this journey for awhile now.) He has several "tells". He, of course, denied it, as always and I got so angry I stabbed my steak knife into my coffee table. Not my normal reaction, I assure you. I sheepishly, took it out and put it in the sink.
My question is, how do you let go of anger, distrust and suspicion? It's eating me alive...
My question is, how do you let go of anger, distrust and suspicion? It's eating me alive...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Glad you found us...
You know, we have a long thread here about the crazy things alcoholics do/say. But honestly, we should start one for us codependents as well. Because God knows we do some crazy stuff too.
I've never stabbed a knife into the kitchen table, but I'm not sure it's much more sane to leave dirty laundry all over the master bedroom floor to dissuade your AH from coming in there? Or to be so mad at all the money he spends on booze that you throw out his half-full bottles (that one, I'm still shaking my head over -- what was I thinking?)
I never lived with a sober husband -- I left and then he went to rehab -- so I don't know the answer to your question. But I can tell you that the only way I managed to live with an active A was to take the focus off him and put it on myself. For example, when we went to a dinner party, instead of trying to supervise his drinking, I ignored it, stuck to my iced tea, conversed with people I found interesting, and left when I felt I had had enough. (He could take a cab if he wasn't ready to leave.)
I think what drives us crazy is when we feel that A has all the control in our relationships, and we spend all our time making sure he doesn't screw it all up.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Work their program? I found that to be tremendously helpful.
You know, we have a long thread here about the crazy things alcoholics do/say. But honestly, we should start one for us codependents as well. Because God knows we do some crazy stuff too.
I've never stabbed a knife into the kitchen table, but I'm not sure it's much more sane to leave dirty laundry all over the master bedroom floor to dissuade your AH from coming in there? Or to be so mad at all the money he spends on booze that you throw out his half-full bottles (that one, I'm still shaking my head over -- what was I thinking?)
I never lived with a sober husband -- I left and then he went to rehab -- so I don't know the answer to your question. But I can tell you that the only way I managed to live with an active A was to take the focus off him and put it on myself. For example, when we went to a dinner party, instead of trying to supervise his drinking, I ignored it, stuck to my iced tea, conversed with people I found interesting, and left when I felt I had had enough. (He could take a cab if he wasn't ready to leave.)
I think what drives us crazy is when we feel that A has all the control in our relationships, and we spend all our time making sure he doesn't screw it all up.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Work their program? I found that to be tremendously helpful.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Thx, for the response! I've been to one but with my schedule and kids it's difficult to make it to another one... That's why I found this page, I think just hearing others that have been there will be helpful. (Not so alone in this craziness.) :P
That's why I found this page, I think just hearing others that have been there will be helpful. (Not so alone in this craziness.) :P
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
might want to stick to the butter knife for a while! 
hello and welcome. please do make yourself comfortable, read around, especially the "stickies" at the top of each section/forum. sometimes just telling our story, or at least starting to tell our story, can act as a release valve for everything we keep stuffed inside. so far we know you are a wife and a mom, your husband has a drinking problem which troubles your greatly and you now have an antique distressed style coffee table!
hello and welcome. please do make yourself comfortable, read around, especially the "stickies" at the top of each section/forum. sometimes just telling our story, or at least starting to tell our story, can act as a release valve for everything we keep stuffed inside. so far we know you are a wife and a mom, your husband has a drinking problem which troubles your greatly and you now have an antique distressed style coffee table!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg - hang in there and take care and go easy on yourself. Can you get some distance and peace at all?
I understand....my A has a beautiful motorcycle in the garage....and I worked at an auto shop for 8 years and know about 1000 ways to send a vehicle to hell. We all deserve combat pay for resisting those temptations as much as we do already.
I understand....my A has a beautiful motorcycle in the garage....and I worked at an auto shop for 8 years and know about 1000 ways to send a vehicle to hell.
We all deserve combat pay for resisting those temptations as much as we do already.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
You are not kidding about the combat pay!! About the distance, yes, we both travel for a living, he left today for 8 days... (He'll call tomorrow and tell me I was right and he was drinking, cry and say I'm sorry, it's like clockwork.) Blech.
(He'll call tomorrow and tell me I was right and he was drinking, cry and say I'm sorry, it's like clockwork.) Blech.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I can play in this I've been crazy thread. My favorite...we did not live together and I told him I sh*t in his cistern...he bought bottled water for 3 months, then yes, I go back over there again and start a pot of coffee. He was watching me very closely. I simply smiled and said a person is immune to their own. still laughing.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think the thing is... when we focus on them we do crazy things.
When we can understand (which took me oh like... I don't know, six years of Alanon) that they are adults and if they want to drink they will drink no matter how much crazy sh*t we do -- then the fog lifts. And we can live our lives instead of running like butlers and maids after them.
When we can understand (which took me oh like... I don't know, six years of Alanon) that they are adults and if they want to drink they will drink no matter how much crazy sh*t we do -- then the fog lifts. And we can live our lives instead of running like butlers and maids after them.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Ok, I get it but are we just supposed to live around them and not with them? Just ignore it? You see? And I have small children, he will not be around them loaded so I have to handle it. (He's their stepfather, that's a other load of guilt I carry with me!) I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and it's wearing on me. I'm torn between being supportive and protecting my sanity...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by georgiawife 
Ok, I get it but are we just supposed to live around them and not with them? Just ignore it? You see? And I have small children, he will not be around them loaded so I have to handle it. (He's their stepfather, that's a other load of guilt I carry with me!) I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and it's wearing on me. I'm torn between being supportive and protecting my sanity...
What is the guilt that you feel about this? He is their stepfather. He knew you had children.
I just need to say that your found the right forum for yourself. We care about you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Georgiawife,
Well my counselor suggested I get mad at my RAH - and I am so repressed I don't know how to tap into my anger. I read your post and I was like, "Yes!"
But for me I have "lived around my RAH" for so long that he has noticed this sober. "You are always doing something...." He says in a bit of a whine. I really can't apologize for detaching and doing what I can!
Welcome to SR!
Well my counselor suggested I get mad at my RAH - and I am so repressed I don't know how to tap into my anger. I read your post and I was like, "Yes!"
But for me I have "lived around my RAH" for so long that he has noticed this sober. "You are always doing something...." He says in a bit of a whine. I really can't apologize for detaching and doing what I can!
Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XA was a chronic relapser and our written "contract" stated that if he relapsed he would go to detox immediately. He relapsed and I picked him up and began driving him to rehab as agreed and of course, now drunk he becomes stupid and belligerent and I equally become angry and combative. He threatens to jump out and I speed up and keep encouraging him to jump! He never did jump and once at rehab he walked off for a 4 month bender and I went home and packed his stuff!
Lesson learned: avoid escapes. The next time he relapsed he was passed out so I got help putting him in the back of my fully functional police car complete with cage (every codependent should have one and handcuffs, tazers too). He woke up and realized he once again on the way to rehab and couldn't jump out (lol) and went ballistic. This time I drove him to a different city rehab and dropped him off in front and again he walked off and went on another 3 month bender on foot.
Another time he relapsed I ordered him to leave and he wouldn't and was drinking in my house (a no alcohol zone) and I was finding his hidden beers and breaking them on the driveway. You would thought I was putting an icepick in his heart the way he was caterwauling and crying over "spilt beer". Enjoying his torment I ordered him to leave and he became defiant and found another beer and I went and got my weapon out of my car and threatened him to take another drink and "make my day".
He left peacefully with an ashen face... even a drunk knows when they have driven someone utterly stark raving mad! That relapse lasted two years and he left the state.
He has been sober 8 months ... he finally decided for himself to get sober. No guns, no judges, jail cells, or crazy codie girlfriend with guns and cop cars forcing sobriety. NOw it means something to him because he is the one who decided he wanted it more than the insanity of alcoholism.
There is simply no doubt that I was crazier than he was... and I was sober
PS We are not together and he lives 2500 miles away but he wants to reconcile and we have a tentative date when he reaches one year sober. I never in a million thought the guy could be sober this long and he is determined to get me on this date. Tahiti in September with him paying ALL the bills for the first time should be interesting. Can I take guns to Tahiti?
I think other women bore him and tapping my inner anger was no problem!
Lesson learned: avoid escapes. The next time he relapsed he was passed out so I got help putting him in the back of my fully functional police car complete with cage (every codependent should have one and handcuffs, tazers too). He woke up and realized he once again on the way to rehab and couldn't jump out (lol) and went ballistic. This time I drove him to a different city rehab and dropped him off in front and again he walked off and went on another 3 month bender on foot.
Another time he relapsed I ordered him to leave and he wouldn't and was drinking in my house (a no alcohol zone) and I was finding his hidden beers and breaking them on the driveway. You would thought I was putting an icepick in his heart the way he was caterwauling and crying over "spilt beer". Enjoying his torment I ordered him to leave and he became defiant and found another beer and I went and got my weapon out of my car and threatened him to take another drink and "make my day".
He left peacefully with an ashen face... even a drunk knows when they have driven someone utterly stark raving mad! That relapse lasted two years and he left the state.
He has been sober 8 months ... he finally decided for himself to get sober. No guns, no judges, jail cells, or crazy codie girlfriend with guns and cop cars forcing sobriety. NOw it means something to him because he is the one who decided he wanted it more than the insanity of alcoholism.
There is simply no doubt that I was crazier than he was... and I was sober
PS We are not together and he lives 2500 miles away but he wants to reconcile and we have a tentative date when he reaches one year sober. I never in a million thought the guy could be sober this long and he is determined to get me on this date. Tahiti in September with him paying ALL the bills for the first time should be interesting. Can I take guns to Tahiti?
I think other women bore him and tapping my inner anger was no problem!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think you get rid of anger, distrust and suspicion by lowering your expectations. You said you have been at this for awhile, is AH in a program? Is he doing anything other than "not drinking" to maintain sobriety? Long term sobriety takes a LOT of work and dedication
There is a saying you should become familiar with "more will be revealed". If he is, you will know. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you will find out.
My husband has been sober about a year and a half after 9 years clean and a relapse. Every once in awhile he will do something and I will hesitate for a second and think "hmmm is he back at it"? Its usually something harmless like going into the bedroom twice in a row or something like that (he used to keep his stash in there, would feign dumb reasons to keep going in, would get drunk, then deny he was drinking). I have to remind myself at those times if he is going to, he is going to, and move on with what I was already doing.
Don't ever want to get back to that crazy person I was searching the house day in and day out for bottles. Kissing him and smelling for any alcohol. Checking his personal account for purchases, searching through his car…..oh my the list could go on. In all that time I never found one bottle - I still to this day don't know where he hid it.
There is a saying you should become familiar with "more will be revealed". If he is, you will know. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you will find out.
My husband has been sober about a year and a half after 9 years clean and a relapse. Every once in awhile he will do something and I will hesitate for a second and think "hmmm is he back at it"? Its usually something harmless like going into the bedroom twice in a row or something like that (he used to keep his stash in there, would feign dumb reasons to keep going in, would get drunk, then deny he was drinking). I have to remind myself at those times if he is going to, he is going to, and move on with what I was already doing.
Don't ever want to get back to that crazy person I was searching the house day in and day out for bottles. Kissing him and smelling for any alcohol. Checking his personal account for purchases, searching through his car…..oh my the list could go on. In all that time I never found one bottle - I still to this day don't know where he hid it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by maggies
The only way to know 100% would be to use a breathalyzer machine. He cannot deny it then.
If they are not working a recovery program, then they are still addicts. To me, alcohol is a drug so I do not differentiate between alcohol and drugs. Addiction is addiction!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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A huge problem for me is that, when I think he's been drinking, most likely the kids will be home from school in a couple of hours. Will it have escalated by then? Will I have to "handle" him with them there and shield them at the same time? They are 6 and 9 and I want to keep as much ugly out of their lives for as long as possible. Life will do enough of that as they get older...
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