My Codie Relapse

Old 04-14-2014, 11:19 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My Codie Relapse

I had a mini-meltdown this weekend. I found myself not just on the wrong side of the street, but running back & forth across both sides creating chaos. And the thing is - this wasn't triggered by RAH, this wasn't in reaction to him in any way. Oh sure, I tried to blameshift for a minute & then caught myself.... ew, gross behavior. Sure, there are things he could have helped with that would've made it easier on me but all in all it wasn't his fault..... once I got some time to think I realized that there were probably a lot of factors at play in my meltdown:

1. I have been doing only the minimum of self-care (in every area - diet, exercise, sleep, meditations, etc.) because my schedule had gotten so out of whack in the last 3 months. (Busy season at work, etc.) Losing a little at a time over a few weeks added up to a LOT. Doing the minimum means I was never really decompressing all the way, only enough to get myself through the next obstacle, leaving my reserve tank empty. So when I needed it, I had nothing extra to pull from to keep me down off the ledge.

2. I spent a lot of time this weekend with a friend who is in desperate need of an active recovery, but who prefers to wander from crisis to crisis instead. (Her AH is also bi-polar) Normally it's ok & we have fun but this wknd she was in rare form, very moody & unhappy & snarky in general.... triggering me left & right. Combined with my lower tolerance I kept having to stop myself from snapping at her & telling her all the things she is doing wrong. (expectations, future-tripping, denial, no self-trust, etc.) I truly believe everyone has to walk their own path, but this wknd I had no patience to be supportive & hands off. With hindsight, I know now that I should have found a way to shorten our time together & gotten some distance from her while she was in this state. Instead, we spent all day Saturday together & I was WIPED OUT emotionally when it was over from having to bite my tongue over & over & over. I don't want to hurt her & I don't want to start a "my recovery is stronger than yours" dynamic either.

3. I was venting to RAH before he was off to a meeting on Sat night & I know he was trying to comfort me but it came off condescending & showed me how he still thinks that ALL the hard work in this process is on his side - that all I struggle with is being supportive & dealing with HIS crap. I got SO frustrated with this idea that his issues are more important because the damage is so much more obvious - I mean, when a Codie relapses there is (generally) no DUI, no legal fees, no property damage, no financial impact, etc. When I have a crisis I have to suck it up & deal with it if no solution is conveniently "right there", but if he has a crisis it becomes Priority #1 to resolve. This only fueled my meltdown all the more, can you say SELFISH?

The next morning I went grocery shopping alone just to get even 10 mins by myself. I had some time to think & also had a few run-ins with my HP speaking to me through others when I wasn't expecting it***. When I got home I explained to him that me going off like that was the same difference as him going out & pounding a 6-pack. That every time I eat my emotions it's like him downing half a bottle of Jaager. (I could tell by his expression "OH!!" that he hadn't thought of it this way before.) A relapse is a relapse & it is just as damaging to me to go through it as it would be for him to make a similar mistake. That even though my relapses don't inflict the same kind of damage doesn't mean there is NO damage - it affects me as a person, my self-worth, the way I parent & support him as a spouse - & he needs to take it as seriously as I do & support me in the same way I do for him. He was open to hearing all of this & it seemed like he finally understood in way he hadn't before.


*** Special shout-out to Carlotta...... reading your daily postings from Courage to Change helped me to be open & see when my HP was reaching out to me in unconventional ways. I think this topic came up specifically in the last couple of weeks so it was fresh on my mind.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 04-14-2014, 11:51 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Oh FireSprite, there was definitely something in the SR water this weekend! I know many of us had an unusually hard time.

Let me just say that I find you so inspirational, and I have taken so much from your words of wisdom here. I love that you are self-aware enough to be able to look back on something only a couple of days old and see your part in it, and move forward. ((HUGS)) to you for a better week ahead!
Wisconsin is offline  
Old 04-14-2014, 12:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
Oh FireSprite, there was definitely something in the SR water this weekend! I know many of us had an unusually hard time.

Let me just say that I find you so inspirational, and I have taken so much from your words of wisdom here. I love that you are self-aware enough to be able to look back on something only a couple of days old and see your part in it, and move forward. ((HUGS)) to you for a better week ahead!
I'll second that. I found this morning I was smiling and on the edge of being happy -- what a novel idea and where did that come from?! Aha! [wonderful flickering light-bulb moment] It was from years of being here at SR, learning how to care for me and somehow I started implementing those newer habits today after my own relapse of not taking care of me first. I'm so happy for you! Thank you so much for this post.
Mango blast is offline  
Old 04-14-2014, 12:34 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
Oh FireSprite, there was definitely something in the SR water this weekend! I know many of us had an unusually hard time.

Let me just say that I find you so inspirational, and I have taken so much from your words of wisdom here. I love that you are self-aware enough to be able to look back on something only a couple of days old and see your part in it, and move forward. ((HUGS)) to you for a better week ahead!
Aw, thanks guys. I keep blaming it on the upcoming Full Moon/Blood Moon/ Lunar Eclipse happening tonight.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 04-14-2014, 12:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Behold the power of NO
 
Carlotta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I had a mini meltdown a few months ago too (complete with controlling, yelling and getting red in the face) over my best friend's crack use.
What is really good is that thanks to the program, we become aware of ourselves and we can take corrective measures, in the past we would have kept carrying on and thought it was everyone else but us. When it comes to my recovery, it s really a process and sometimes I feel like I take 2 steps forward and one backward. I try to give myself some slack, the only thing that I absolutely cannot do is (on the AA side of my recovery) pick up a drink.

I don't know what it was this week end but I had very little patience with the alcoholics in my life (I secretary what is basically a beginner meeting and I work in a homeless shelter) and also with those on the SR forum.
It felt like it was the week end of the Quackers both online and in the physical world and instead of just letting the quacking roll over me and focus on myself, I reverted to be very blunt to the point of being brutal and I was getting very annoyed too.
As far as your friend goes, I ll just let you on a little secret: Codies can quack too
Carlotta is offline  
Old 04-15-2014, 08:45 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I think you're an amazing person, FS. I really do.
readerbaby71 is offline  
Old 04-15-2014, 09:30 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS, it may have happened but that you are so self aware and able to articulate your feelings in this way is huge. And to be able to get your AH to relate on a way his brain can understand is great too. I have always felt as though my XAH could never really "get" codependency. Just like you said, there is nothing to show that you had a relapse other than your feelings and actions. No one is going to smell your breath to know if you relapsed LOL.

You are one amazing person. Pick up, dust off, move forward.

Tight Hugs my friend. XXX
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 08:02 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Figured I'd update this here...

Instead of starting a new thread I thought I'd keep posting my little updates in this thread rather than starting a new one... especially since I often read back through my own posts weeks & months later.

A couple of days ago I caught myself setting myself up for a codie-relapse. I'm not even sure if that's the best phrase for it, but it's close enough. It's a good self-discovery & that's all that I really care about.

I had had a busier-than-usual week. DD is off school & floats around to different F&F over the summer so it's a whole new routine; I work at home a couple of days per week & my boss ended up taking a couple of unplanned days out of the office so lots of re-juggling there too. I had one night planned for my personal activities & ended up adding a 2nd night impromptu. My close friend is also dealing with a crisis & while I'm not taking it on necessarily, I did spend more time than usual just being there, being a friend, talking & texting throughout the entire week.

By Thursday RAH had gone 4 days in between meetings, which is about his max limit these days. Otherwise he starts getting twitchy, lol. Before even speaking to him that afternoon, I fully expected that he would tell me that he was going to hit a meeting that night & even looked forward a bit to the alone time at home to catch up on some Netflix & do some girly stuff like a facial & pedicure. (I always think of Charlotte on Sex & the City - I think she called it her "SSB"... secret single behavior, when a married woman spends time doing all that grooming that makes us look like we magically glow without effort).

So when that expectation (or educated guess?) was exactly what happened I should have been able to roll with it. Instead I found myself picking a mild argument with him right before he left for his meeting (can't even tell you about what now... it was that stupid) & the whole time I can hear myself in the 3rd person in my mind observing this saying, "WTF are you DOING?" Even the points I had that were valid were poorly timed & largely unprovoked.

I had to keep stepping away physically because my own behavior was confusing & upsetting me & all I kept feeling was my anxiety rising. Why was *I* upsetting myself??

And I found myself doing what I do.... standing in the pantry, deciding which snack I was going to comfort myself with...... when it hit me..... had I done it all FOR THIS? To simply justify my raid on the chocolate stash? To give myself Emotional Permission to indulge without witnesses (after all, RAH would be gone to his meeting for hours & DD is off to her room for the night with her DVD player & kindle for the downtime part of her day.). Even though I'd feel some guilt & self-judgment later no matter what, I've curtailed the majority of it by providing a "good" reason for the binge. And lookey there, I'd timed it just right so I would have enough time to be nice & worked up but not enough time to actually resolve anything.... leaving me plenty of time to stuff my face/emotions after a stressful week.

I think in times/arguments past there was plenty of blame to shift to RAH at times like this (i.e. I was less unprovoked) & in the absence of that I was losing a comfort zone/crutch. A crutch I embraced because I have spent decades battling issues with food. Decades going back to my childhood & dealing with AF - often the only control I ever had in life was limited to food & my body.

Now I can't un-see it; I can't hide behind ignorance any longer. I'm going to have to examine my motivations when this kind of trigger/situation arises in the future.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 08:33 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
FS, I apologize in advance for not knowing a lot about your story, but I do know about emotional eating. I have to watch the same triggers as are preached in AA "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired."

I found myself all four today and over ate after doing so well for a week.

Many years ago I had to face my weight. I was 70 pounds overweight. I had to piece together why. I lost that weight and have kept it mostly off, but it is a struggle. Food is a tough one.

I'm just here to say I feel ya, girl. I'm fighting the food fight again since I stopped drinking a few months ago.

If it ain't one thing, it's another.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 08:45 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Step 10 : Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

=====================

hmmmm.

Good Work, You.

So get your sins forgiven and go forth and sin no more.

Well, maybe. At least no more until next time when you get to repent again.
Hammer is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 09:06 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Thanks for sharing this, FS. I can totally relate. Once you know, you know. That's it. At least you were able to think it through and realize what was going on with you. It's such a struggle sometimes, isn't it?!


Sending much love and hugs your way. xoxoxo
readerbaby71 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 09:16 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thanks guys. I've known for years that I have food issues. I've gained & lost over 100 lbs since I was a teen. Logically, I.*know* everything I need to do to be healthy.

But to realize that I'm orchestrating it as self sabotage. Ugh. That's new. And gross.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 06-08-2014, 06:33 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Firsprite-

I can't remember if I have posted this book on this side of the forum, but it has helped me a lot.

"Eating in the Light of the Moon," by Anita Johnson.

I read it in context of my own recovery from an eating disorder, but it is really about how we as woman can use food.

I also love anything by Geanne Roth.

For me the food stuff was/is sabatogue. Good for you for being present enough to bring this all on board.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 06-08-2014, 05:32 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rosiepetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
The important thing to note here is that you recognise the contributing factors to your mini meltdown.
I also struggled recently with a mini meltdown due to sheer exhaustion & not having enough time for myself (coupled with nasty remarks from my XH)
Sometimes it is so hard to focus on our recovery when we have so little time for ourselves.
I'm not sure I have an answer but wish to send hugs.
Rosiepetal is offline  
Old 06-08-2014, 08:48 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I will check out that book recommendation LR, thanks.

The extent that I am willing to go to in order to self-sabotage like this is truly boggling now that I am looking at it just slightly differently. Right down to the details like my food shopping habits. Again, this is not new info to me but something has changed in how I see it following this incident. I always say that shifting our perspective by just one degree is enough to see things differently & here is a shining example...

One thing I am positive of is that this is all a very elaborate symptom of much more; I expect there is a good amount of fear involved at the core of it.

I spent the weekend watching The United States of Tara which I hadn't seen before & it is pretty interesting really. Here she has all of these very extroverted alter personalities & it struck me that there was such a crazy freedom to that, it's like the flip side of the coin from the way that the vast majority of us deal with our damage.

As insane as it sounds I had just started drawing & using colored pencils in my journaling last week so I think I'm going to create little paper dolls in my journal that represent all the different sides I see & feel in my own Self. My Inner Child, Princess Warrior, Fat Teenager... whatever floats up as I sink into the project. I'm no artist so I printed off some generic printables online that I can trace to create silhouettes & then just fill in the details with my pencils & art supplies. Just to capture it in more than theory, sort of create my own visualization? DD's bday is coming up & we are taking her & her BFF camping for 3 days in lieu of a big party. I'm going to see if they want to work on their own versions of the dolls during the short road trip there & back.

Thanks so much for all the support!
FireSprite is offline  
Old 06-08-2014, 09:05 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I think you are very hard on yourself sometimes FireSprite. I guess all of us have meltdowns occasionally -wouldn't be human if we didn't. But as others have said, you are very articulate and self aware, and can move on. Best of luck, and yes, you are inspirational.
Quish16 is offline  
Old 06-09-2014, 07:08 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
So while I was playing around online last night I remembered that I had a Groupon discount for 20% off my next purchase that was expiring at midnight. I've been hawking the activities in our area for the kids for this summer to help keep DD busy & active.

When I logged in to check the latest deals, the first one that popped up was for a new yoga studio I didn't even know about that is literally 2 minutes from my house.

Unlimited class attendance for 2 months, $42. Plus my 20% off.

Check the schedule & since I am working from home a couple of days this summer, I can easily make 2-3 of the classes each week. It's like I knew ahead of time exactly which days I'd want to work from home without knowing why. I/we only just settled on my summer schedule a little over a week ago. All 3 classes have different focuses - beginner/gentle stretch, a core class & a yoga/cardio fusion.

If I like the place & people & want to try to make the classes after my schedule changes again in the fall, their ongoing monthly rates are not outrageous.

Well, Holy Dharmic Serendipity. Thanks, HP. I hear you.... time to put my discount where my mouth is & get off my butt & create a change of action.

FireSprite is offline  
Old 06-09-2014, 03:56 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
So while I was playing around online last night I remembered that I had a Groupon discount for 20% off my next purchase that was expiring at midnight. I've been hawking the activities in our area for the kids for this summer to help keep DD busy & active.

When I logged in to check the latest deals, the first one that popped up was for a new yoga studio I didn't even know about that is literally 2 minutes from my house.

Unlimited class attendance for 2 months, $42. Plus my 20% off.

Check the schedule & since I am working from home a couple of days this summer, I can easily make 2-3 of the classes each week. It's like I knew ahead of time exactly which days I'd want to work from home without knowing why. I/we only just settled on my summer schedule a little over a week ago. All 3 classes have different focuses - beginner/gentle stretch, a core class & a yoga/cardio fusion.

If I like the place & people & want to try to make the classes after my schedule changes again in the fall, their ongoing monthly rates are not outrageous.

Well, Holy Dharmic Serendipity. Thanks, HP. I hear you.... time to put my discount where my mouth is & get off my butt & create a change of action.

Wow, that is cheap! and convenient. Things just have a way of working out.
readerbaby71 is offline  
Old 06-09-2014, 07:27 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
What a deal!! I find that consistent daily physical activity (running and Tone It Up) has a way of centering me like nothing else can. Have fun with your yoga classes!
Stung is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:43 PM.