Butterfly

The anger has been bubbling up for weeks at my AH but I never really said what I wanted to say as I didn't want to push him to having more drink!! That changed today the anger just bubbled over he told me he missed the kids so much every day and I told him exactly how thoughtless and selfish he is behaving! I reminded him that this was his choice he left us so he could drink and refused to get help. I just couldn't feel sorry for him. I was so angry at the devastation he caused to me and my kids for him to say I miss them so much everyday was the final straw!!! I told him how I felt he had lied and manipulated me for years and that he only thought of himself! The rage I felt was something I have never felt before! I swear if he tells me one more time that he wants to be on his own I swear il smack him in the face!!! How selfish!!

I thought I would feel better but I don't now I'm sorry for some of the things I said as they were hurtful and mean. Now I just feel exhausted emotionally drained!

dandylion

Confused, it is perfectly natural to feel exhausted after a catharsis such as you have described. I think you are feeling the tiredness that comes after walking on eggshells and holding in feelings of anger. It takes enormous emotional energy to hold in your feelings all the time.

You have a right to feel tired. You could use some rest.

dandylion

Butterfly

Even though I was so angry and I felt angry I couldn't stop crying. Now I'm numb empty just want to curl up and sleep until it's all over then wake up feeling better and no longer hurting!! I know that's unrealistic but it would be nice for all of us here!!

AnvilheadII

as time passes you will learn to accept and ALLOW your feelings to exist and to surface and you will get better at dealing with them. when we keep stuff all bottled up at some point we're gonna blow. and then feel worn out. you are in the process of finding your voice.

embraced2000

been there myself, confused.

he probably does miss his kids.

he is sick and active in his addiction.

when I would lash out at XAH, it came with such force, venom, anger, hurt, betrayal.....and I would slam him with every thing I had in my toxic weapon arsenal.

and I would be just like you after......emotionally exhausted and drained.

you probably know by now that if anything you had to say to him would have worked, it would have worked a long time ago.

someone on this forum told me yrs. ago to use the energy I put into anger towards XAH towards my own self-preservation.

sounded very foreign to me and I didn't have a clue where to start. I had to follow detailed directions from someone I trusted in al-anon and on this forum in order to even begin.

it does get better. if you want it to. and I do believe you want it to.

you will be in my thoughts.

Butterfly

I ve read lots of literature about how an alcoholic only thinks about himself and his next drink and will do/say whatever has to be done to protect his drinking. I struggle to process it all as my emotions continue to play a large part in processing. Part of me hoped that by telling him. How he had betrayed me and how hurt I was would shock him into reality and he would come home and tell me he's made a hugh mistake and will seek help but I know that won't happen either!! I find it hard to give up on him after 18 years together and 18 years of battling his drug and later alcohol addiction but I think he has given up on himself!

He says he wants me to be happy and he can't make me happy but I still think at times that he drinks because of me that I made him so unhappy that he drank if I had been better or more fun if I liked to drink with him that it was me that made him unhappy!

I still want to believe that he will want help and I know that sounds delusional and the more I hold onto that and feelings of wanting to help him I am delaying my own recovery. I know he loves me and hates that he has hurt me and the kids or maybe it's that I don't want to believe that he doesn't but I also know that he wants to drink. I can't compete with that.

One thing I know for sure is that my emotions are all over the place and I don't know if I am coming or going!!!

AnvilheadII

I find it hard to give up on him after 18 years together and 18 years of battling his drug and later alcohol addiction

we cannot battle anyone else's addictions FOR them...or even to a large degree WITH them. anymore than if WE go on a diet THEY will lose weight or if WE go to church THEY will find God. you aren't giving up on HIM, you are finally realizing it ain't your fight.

for 18 years and more, HE kept choosing to use when there were other choices to be made. he kept choosing the "easier softer way" rather than putting up a fight. and even now, he cries and moans and feels sorry for himself AS IF aliens come and stole his family away in the middle of the night.

he drinks because he drinks. if you were really oh so powerful as to CAUSE him to drink, then you'd also have the power to command him to stop. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. there isn't enough room between he and his addiction for anyone or anything else.

embraced2000

what anvil said

Norasq

Oh, I understand just how you feel. And I agree with what others have said: This sort of emotional work is exhausting, to the core. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and get some rest. You are doing HARD HARD work to process all of this, and it's huge.

I've been separated from my husband of 20 years for a little over a year. And just this past weekend, he said to me "I would do anything to be able to reconnect and get our family back together." He sounds so reasonable and rational now. I replied, "I couldn't even think about that until alcohol is out of the picture." (AH is a very functional alcoholic and denies that there's an issue. He thinks that since he stopped taking Xanax too it's "fixed.") His reply? "I'm not going to stop drinking!," said with surprised indignation.

So there I had it, in one perfect nutshell. He'd do anything to put his family back together EXCEPT EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT DRINKING. Couldn't have been clearer, really.

I'm realizing even now how often over our marriage he'd put drinking before me, our time together, our family life, etc. When I expressed unhappiness about his drinking, he'd say it was my problem, my over-reaction, my oversensitivity, etc, and of course what he was doing was fine. It was just wine. (I live in wine country and everybody drinks "just wine" all the time.) But I'm realizing that a non-alcoholic, loving partner would say "Wow, I hate for you to be worried or upset and let's talk about it." So that was another way he'd deflect and deny, and I always felt horrible. He was choosing drinking over making me feel okay.

I hope you can learn to trust your feelings -- they are important and valuable. Hugs to you.

shil2587

Just wanted to send you a huge HUG

It gets easier, I promise.

LifeRecovery

I often found I was exhausted and empty because I had finally put down my burden for a bit and was allowing myself to feel.

I also learned hear the three Cs.

I did not cause the drinking
I cannot control the drinking
I cannot cure the drinking

I finally realized it was not my fault when I realize it was present prior to my relationship with him (and in my case after we were out of the relationship). I also started to realize that "throwing" the drinking because "of me" was a way to deflect the real problem that my loved one did not want to look at.....and that it often happens when people are confronted with their addiction. That helped me to see it was NOT just me, it was the disease of addiction talking.