Finally making changes
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Finally making changes
I have been wanting to just get back into a routine after being ill for almost 2 years before I faced the reality of my marriage/end of my marriage. As recently as last weekend separated AH was admittedly drunk and drinking and driving. If losing his wife and kids wasnt enough, I guess he wont be happy until he kills himself, someone else or lands behind bars.
He comes every morning to my home so I can leave for work because I have to be at work by 630am. There is no daycare that opens early enough for me to make my commute and be at work on time. So literally, as much as I love being with kids in afternoon, I asked for a schedule change to later because I was starting to get anxiety about him being hungover and drunk in the morning time. Tomorrow I start taking our 6 yr old to school myself which in turn means I will have to work later, but I will deal with it just for the fact that I will not have to engage with him anymore every morning.
Id get anxiety if he would be on time, if he was on time, it would hurt me if he didnt speak to me or didnt show me he missed me but if he would speak to me or show me he missed me he would annoy me...there was really no winning. I am basically annoyed that he has given up on himself and this marriage and family so I was never going to be happy each morning.
I am hoping this little change is a step in the right direction and giving me the beginning of a chance to start detaching. He also gives me $ with no order and always has so I am also preparing for him to stop the $ as I start to pull away. Im not in a financial position to retain atty and make too much for a waiver of court filing fees so i am just trying to take the baby steps i know will help me maintain some sanity.
I am on this site 24/7. I know I am no different than anyone else here. I still continue to pray and wish for my separated AH. However there is no point in anything as long as he is actively drinking and not seeking any kind of recovery and even then there is a long road ahead of him. He was sober once before and relapsed close to 2 years ago when we separated.
This is so painful and I do all the right things but I just need you guys to support me and tell me that things will be better. I need to know he is miserable and not living it up with no consequences and when his head hits his pillow, he knows inside that he has made the biggest mistake of his life...
He comes every morning to my home so I can leave for work because I have to be at work by 630am. There is no daycare that opens early enough for me to make my commute and be at work on time. So literally, as much as I love being with kids in afternoon, I asked for a schedule change to later because I was starting to get anxiety about him being hungover and drunk in the morning time. Tomorrow I start taking our 6 yr old to school myself which in turn means I will have to work later, but I will deal with it just for the fact that I will not have to engage with him anymore every morning.
Id get anxiety if he would be on time, if he was on time, it would hurt me if he didnt speak to me or didnt show me he missed me but if he would speak to me or show me he missed me he would annoy me...there was really no winning. I am basically annoyed that he has given up on himself and this marriage and family so I was never going to be happy each morning.
I am hoping this little change is a step in the right direction and giving me the beginning of a chance to start detaching. He also gives me $ with no order and always has so I am also preparing for him to stop the $ as I start to pull away. Im not in a financial position to retain atty and make too much for a waiver of court filing fees so i am just trying to take the baby steps i know will help me maintain some sanity.
I am on this site 24/7. I know I am no different than anyone else here. I still continue to pray and wish for my separated AH. However there is no point in anything as long as he is actively drinking and not seeking any kind of recovery and even then there is a long road ahead of him. He was sober once before and relapsed close to 2 years ago when we separated.
This is so painful and I do all the right things but I just need you guys to support me and tell me that things will be better. I need to know he is miserable and not living it up with no consequences and when his head hits his pillow, he knows inside that he has made the biggest mistake of his life...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
the change you have arranged sounds like a spot on plan. congrats on that!
seems you listened to your instincts about what change you could make that would benefit you for now, and that is awesome.
it took me a very long time to have the knowledge and courage to do the same.
as far as your last statement.....ummmm....welllll.....pls don't count on it. active addicts are suffering in their own way....none of which makes much sense to the rest of us.
seems you listened to your instincts about what change you could make that would benefit you for now, and that is awesome.
it took me a very long time to have the knowledge and courage to do the same.
as far as your last statement.....ummmm....welllll.....pls don't count on it. active addicts are suffering in their own way....none of which makes much sense to the rest of us.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Good for you not subjecting your own well being (via alcoholic-induced anxiety) or your kids' well being to the whims of an alcoholic. I would have done exactly the same thing.
My AXH still drinks and drives. God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. And that is one of those things.
I don't know if he is ever remorseful. Most days just seems plain vengeful. Again, his mental state also is one of those things I cannot change. I can sure pray, but it isn't mine to change or worry about.
My AXH still drinks and drives. God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. And that is one of those things.
I don't know if he is ever remorseful. Most days just seems plain vengeful. Again, his mental state also is one of those things I cannot change. I can sure pray, but it isn't mine to change or worry about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Yes my plan is still in tact. Now its just actually sticking to it and following through. When you actually make the steps and start to detach, you feel a whole new range of emotions!
Now that he doesnt come this morning and I dont have to engage, I feel like I am grieving even more. I am sure I will be happier over time but I guess on some level I liked seeing him here daily. Maybe the codie in me believed each day he saw me there was a chance he'd miss us, etc..
I guess when you finally start to detach, it hurts even more...
Now that he doesnt come this morning and I dont have to engage, I feel like I am grieving even more. I am sure I will be happier over time but I guess on some level I liked seeing him here daily. Maybe the codie in me believed each day he saw me there was a chance he'd miss us, etc..
I guess when you finally start to detach, it hurts even more...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Yes...I think that's true. Really and truly accepting the end of my first marriage was a sad time for me, too. No children involved, just things. Returning the last of his things from what had been our home was pretty rough.
I am here to say that it does get better. I really am speaking from the other side
I am here to say that it does get better. I really am speaking from the other side
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
Originally Posted by iamthird 
Yes my plan is still in tact. Now its just actually sticking to it and following through. When you actually make the steps and start to detach, you feel a whole new range of emotions!
Now that he doesnt come this morning and I dont have to engage, I feel like I am grieving even more. I am sure I will be happier over time but I guess on some level I liked seeing him here daily. Maybe the codie in me believed each day he saw me there was a chance he'd miss us, etc..
I guess when you finally start to detach, it hurts even more...
Now that he doesnt come this morning and I dont have to engage, I feel like I am grieving even more. I am sure I will be happier over time but I guess on some level I liked seeing him here daily. Maybe the codie in me believed each day he saw me there was a chance he'd miss us, etc..
I guess when you finally start to detach, it hurts even more...
it was like this for me, too, when I detached. courage! it gets better with practice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
Once in awhile I think it was better before I realized he's an alcoholic. I could pray over him and hold his head and watch his eyes rolling around. I could believe he would someday apologize to me for being physically abusive. But now that I know he's probably going to stay like this, constantly drunk and mean, it's so freeing to detach and just be myself. Let him own his actions. He's an addict and you can't guilt trip him into getting better. Very hard to accept at first but once you can look back and say, "I wasn't crazy or a bad wife!" you will feel a relief. Are you more at peace than when living with him? Best of luck!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
It will get better, it just takes time.
I always had this fear that he would get his act together after I left and be the person I "knew" he could be as I saw glimpses of it in the honeymoon stage of the dance.
11 years later, he is still a drunk, hasn't found a relationship that lasts 3 months, if that.....and a lady who remembers recently told him he lost a treasure when he lost me.
And she is right, he did.
But I have found a good man that I deserve and now I cannot fathom all the crazy stuff I went thro and did.
You have your future ahead of you and it probably holds wonderful surprizes that you just can't see or imagine yet.
I always had this fear that he would get his act together after I left and be the person I "knew" he could be as I saw glimpses of it in the honeymoon stage of the dance.
11 years later, he is still a drunk, hasn't found a relationship that lasts 3 months, if that.....and a lady who remembers recently told him he lost a treasure when he lost me.
And she is right, he did.
But I have found a good man that I deserve and now I cannot fathom all the crazy stuff I went thro and did.
You have your future ahead of you and it probably holds wonderful surprizes that you just can't see or imagine yet.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you are having a rough day today iamthird.... I think your plan is great though - exactly what you need to start moving forward for yourself now that you are in a better position to do so.
I know it's easy to feel the pain of detachment but once you pass that checkpoint, you'll find yourself feeling something entirely different.... FREEDOM.
Look at it this way - he may never be free of his demons, especially since he doesn't even acknowledge that they exist. Even though it may not feel that way ~yet~, you really ARE the winner here. I know we often see ourselves differently than others do & from THIS side of the monitor/keyboard I see a strong SURVIVOR in you. You are an inspiration after all you've been through - you can do this!
I know it's easy to feel the pain of detachment but once you pass that checkpoint, you'll find yourself feeling something entirely different.... FREEDOM.
Look at it this way - he may never be free of his demons, especially since he doesn't even acknowledge that they exist. Even though it may not feel that way ~yet~, you really ARE the winner here. I know we often see ourselves differently than others do & from THIS side of the monitor/keyboard I see a strong SURVIVOR in you. You are an inspiration after all you've been through - you can do this!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by iamthird
This is so painful and I do all the right things but I just need you guys to support me and tell me that things will be better.
(working the Program, doing your meetings, Steps, helping others, on and on)
His mileage may vary.
I need to know he is miserable and not living it up with no consequences and when his head hits his pillow, he knows inside that he has made the biggest mistake of his life...
) Hard to say the biggest.But you know WE only work on US, right? I am pretty sure you know that.
So what is your big mistake today? Spending time thinking about an ungrateful A (hole) ? That was mine. Sounded maybe that way for you, too.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I don't think any addict is truly happy. There is a lot of shame and self loathing involved.
Here is a good article that may help you, if you haven't read it.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Keep telling yourself that you deserve a healthy partner, because you do. I do too but I know I can't have one until I get healthy too. That is my goal.
Here is a good article that may help you, if you haven't read it.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Keep telling yourself that you deserve a healthy partner, because you do. I do too but I know I can't have one until I get healthy too. That is my goal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am doing okay. Feeling kind of a lull right now because I have had no contact with separated AH. I guess it is a good thing. They say no contact is no new hurts, and i will attest to that!
I am without chaos, although sad and wondering why it is so easy for him to walk away...but I know in the end, this is the right thing. My pastor said most growth occurs with crisis....I would say so!
Here is to making it through another day...
I am without chaos, although sad and wondering why it is so easy for him to walk away...but I know in the end, this is the right thing. My pastor said most growth occurs with crisis....I would say so!
Here is to making it through another day...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I mentioned this on another thread but I think it is worth repeating. The book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You is a great read. I would highly recommend it.
Hoping you have a great tomorrow.
Hoping you have a great tomorrow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am getting ready right now for my 6 month PT scan to make sure cancer is still gone. Can you guys believe I have been in remission for 6 months already? Crazy!! Feels just like yesterday. Anyhow, I am nervous, preparing to go all by myself with no physical support. I just realize that this was the constant theme even before AH and I were separated. Toward the end, He was physically there but never emotionally supportive. So here I go, little nervous because there is always that possibility of the cancer recurrence but I cannot think like that! I believe God healed me for a reason and I need to life this life better and more full which I believe I have been! Wish me luck everyone...
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