TryingToLearn

Is there anyone else who lives with an A who is not allowed to voice their opinions without getting shut down? I'm not talking about having "the" talk about drinking or anything serious - nothing critical. I'm just talking about everyday give and take conversation. I either don't know what I'm talking about, I'm wrong with what I think or my favorite is the phrase he always says "Whatever" and then walks away. I mean this is if I mention the sun is shining or it's raining or something minor.

I've gotten to the point where I never say a word any longer.

And is it normal never to show any interest in what your spouse enjoys to the point of not even wanting to look at pictures of family? I mean one picture - not hundreds.

Is this a common problem with As? Still learning. Never knew how alone you could feel living with someone.

biminiblue

Yes. Everything is all about them and their feelings and their opinions. Absolutely. Alcoholism is an insidious disease and users are over-the-top self-absorbed.

TryingToLearn

Thank you. Helps me to understand. Having trouble with this aspect.

redatlanta

My RAH was NOT like that unless we were discussing his decision to pick up again. Then I got lots of whatever's.

Is this just when he is drinking or at all times?

embraced2000

these behaviors are unfortunately very common. that doesn't mean I had to accept them.

Wisconsin

You are not alone. Mine is like that A LOT, too, and it has gotten worse over time. I agree with Embraced...just because they behave that way does not mean we have to accept it as a part of our daily lives. ((HUGS)) to you.

Designgrl

I was incredibly lonely in my marriage. I just stopped talking because like you, I got shut down or caused him to become angry at me. I hated the "what evers"! He did that all the time but god forbid when I said it to him...he would explode in anger.

Yurt

Lately, my AH has been trying to start conversations with a statement followed by "Don't you agree?" Heaven help you if you don't, though...
Day 4 on the limited drinking kick, so it might be a while before I hear it again.

lillamy

Yep. You might have heard the joke "If I'm interested in hearing your opinion, I will tell you what it is!"?

That's what my life with an A was like. I wasn't allowed to have my own opinions. If I voiced an opinion, he would argue the hell out of me (lawyers...) until I was crying or until I said "yes, you're right, I can see now that I should never have liked 80s music because it sucks. Thank you for enlightening me."

missboots

My AH says, "Smell what I'm steppin' in?" I respond with a bright and cheery Yep! and then pray he forgets what he said.

Mango blast

When he was drinking and as a dry drunk, yes! For many years. I put up with it because I didn't recognize it as abuse. Even during the first part of his recovery. I didn't know any way to handle, diffuse or hide from it. It was really after I started learning about emotional abuse that I started to deal with it.

lizatola

OMG, that has been my life and it was always when he was sober and dry for years. I swear my AH should have been a lawyer and have often told him he should go to law school. He'd tried to convince me that what I saw wasn't what I saw, that he didn't say what he actually said and turn it around on me, that my opinion was wrong and he took pride in telling me why, etc etc....I could go on.

I didn't recognize these things as abusive until I did a lot of reading on the subject and got into therapy. Now I just don't talk about much of anything except the weather and what's for dinner and basic schedule stuff. Anything outside that realm brings about a 'discussion', a 'lecture', or a long winded diatribe. You are not alone!

Ofelie

Yep. Just ask my kids about "the night of the ham"...or how we listened to religious Xmas music on the way to my mom's house Xmas day (we were in no mood for xmas music or xmas because he was STILL LIVING WITH US though I kept promising them I would make him go...who the hell wanted to smile and pretend to be happy) and would rather have listened to our regular stations but hell no, he wanted xmas music, (and how dare we look at him crosseyed for it)...or omg, you better watch out if you tell him that there are those little metal things on the end of those rolls of sausage and you probably shouldn't microwave them. I mean seriously, all hell would break loose. Would you believe it if I told you it did? I mean, really. It did.
We....I.. got no say. Ever. If I tried to say anything...he would disagree, and if I did not quickly backpedal and change my stance on the subject there would be hell to pay. About little things...and big things. About everything. Damn. Someone tell me why I lived like that for so long?? It went beyond my voiced opinions...it became me tiptoeing about everything, damn I am surprised I didn't start asking him what color underwear to wear...for fear of waking his inner beast if he disagreed. How exhausting.

LoveMeNow

When active, I think my husband acted very disinterested in any thing I had to say. I, also, found that he had the need to be right a lot. He had zero patience for me and acted very intolerant.

My friends and I used to joke that he had become like Archie Bunker (not racially ignorant). But more of a "Jeez, get to your point before I blow my brains out" look or noise, which only made me talk more and more.

I guess I just enjoyed being his buzz kill.

Today, I want to be with people who celebrate me, not tolerate me.

OnawaMiniya

Hi TTL, nice to meet you Though I am sorry it is not under happier circumstances.

Yes, my alcoholic husband is so right about everything that he seems to take everything I say - I'm talking the most mundane and inconsequential things - as a challenge. It seems that if I have an opinion on something it is an attack on him. He's so obsessed with being right that it's like if I'm right about something he feels he must be wrong. By this I'm not even talking about arguing about anything... I could say the sky is blue, which is correct, and not threatening to him in any way, but if I'm right then that must mean somehow the universe or I am implying that he's wrong, so he will argue. Did I explain that alright? I hope so. I'm tired lol.

Basically according to him I'm a moron. if any of my beliefs or opinions don't exactly match his, I'm an idiot. Because - and he will agree - his opinions aren't opinions. They are facts! Because, after all, his opinion is the "correct" one. He also criticizes and nitpicks everything I do. Thinks he can do it better. Even when he knows this is not true and he could not do it better, he will claim he could... but then would have an excuse if I left the task to him, as to why he cannot do it and I need to. This is a control thing too, though - he gets to put responsibilities or tasks that he does not wish to deal with on me, then criticize me for how I did it even if nothing went wrong... then acts like he would be better at it.... he would do it "right"...this way he ensures his control, and avoids failing at the task, and still manages to take credit for doing it better in Imagination Land.

He also doesn't seem to compliment me or appreciate any of my talents, in fact passive aggressively puts them down. But if questioned will claim that's not true lol. He seems to feel threatened by me being good at something. I don't understand this because me being good at something does not take away from his strengths or talents. But I think it's a jealousy thing. And always having this need to be better than everyone...at least image wise. Under the surface, another story. Ugh.

Fun, huh

Peace

LoveMeNow

During an AA meeting I went to, the need to be right, was a big topic. I think it's part of the disease for addicts and codies too though.

Tentindependent

Interesting thing about the photos, TTL. Mine had no photos at all from his childhood and very few from adulthood. It was me who put our various wedding photos (taken by friends and family) into albums with not a flicker of interest from him.

As for expressing opinions, I couldn't do this towards the end of the relationship. The put-downs had been building up for years, starting with a dismissive "hmm" or "whatever". It then progressed through sneering, telling me how friends though something I'd done or said (sometimes referring to things from years back) was stupid or inappropriate but he didn't tell me at the time because he "didn't want to hurt my feelings".

By the time we got to the latter stages of the relationship his favourite thing was to give a blank stare at the time but then later find some excuse to rant about '****ing feminists'. All while having his wife pay all the bills, drive him everywhere, wipe his backside...

As for showing an interest in anything, by the end if I wanted to do anything, I did it alone. Our only joint activity involved me driving to him to a so-called mutual friend's house and sit around being ignored while they got wasted together. We reached our 10th wedding anniversary before splitting up. A few months before, I got really excited when I saw a lot of our favourite bands were performing at the same music festival. I excitedly pointed this out to him and suggested we go to this to celebrate. All I got was a miserable "I suppose so".

The year after, I suggested travelling to another city to see another of our favourite bands for our 11th anniversary. I got met with the same miserable response. We split soon after and I went to the gig on my own!

Ah its good to reminisce. Its even better to be single!

TryingToLearn

Thank you all so much for sharing. It sounds as though we experience so many of the same things. There's so much knowledge in these posts and I want to keep rereading them to help me.

TryingToLearn

Are there any books you can recommend about abuse and silent treatment? I know about the yelling and the rages but never knew the silent treatment was abuse. Thanks.

Tentindependent

I have a link that might be useful:

Out of the FOG - The Silent Treatment