Repeating pattersn

Old 04-12-2014, 10:05 PM
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Repeating pattersn

It is another fairly peaceful evening, here in our yurt, and we have the movie “Robin Hood; Men in Tights” on the television. A little Mel Brooks to lighten things up. It beats stilted conversation. Although, himself did point out the smaller amount that he had to drink and told me how much better he feels now that he is not drinking so much. He says that he has so much more energy now. (after only 3 days??) Just so ya know, we went through this last year as well. Only, it was earlier in the year; about the beginning of March. I remember this because, shortly after we talked about him drinking less and not loosing his temper as often(last year), I accidently drove too close to the mailboxes when retrieving the mail one afternoon and knocked off the driver side rear view mirror. I thought “Boy, this will let me know if things are improving or not.” He handled it well then, and didn’t blow his cork which really surprised me. However, by June, things were back to the same old story, which is when I started looking up information about alcoholism and joined SR. So, there is always a pattern, and all I do is wait for it to repeat.
I think that I have been waiting for something “big” to happen in order to justify making my move, but now, I don’t think that it will happen that way. I think that I am going to have to be honest and tell him that I just don’t want to be married to him any more. Not try to blame it all on the drinking, and accept my part in our little dance.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:25 PM
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One thing I learned at rehab family week is that recovery needs to be the priority no matter what happens in our lives, good days and bad. I take that to mean our recovery also. Sometimes it's hardest to stay focused on my recovery when I don't have to fight so hard for it. Easier days lull me into backing off. As I work my own recovery, my vision of life becomes clearer. It sounds like yours is too.

Maybe try comparing these days not to the worse ones during the year, but to what you'd like your life to truly be like. Happiness. Satisfaction. Respect. Kindness. I guess I would put those at the front of my list.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:45 PM
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An alcoholic cannot drink, period. "Not drinking as much" will always become drinking a lot. It's just a matter of time, and then it seems they make up for lost time when they do pick up again. You deserve better.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:58 PM
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You predicted he would "behave" during this time. He knows you are getting a lump sum of $$. Stay true to yourself. You don't owe him anything!
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:13 AM
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Three words- Everlast chastity belt. LOL!

On the serious note, I know that I got hung up waiting for something BIG to happen in order to justify making my move, and from what I've read around here that seems like a common theme. Waiting for "the big one", or for things to be "bad enough" to justify action. But by the time things escalate to that level, it almost blends into the landscape of badness in the relationship.
I know I've had a hard time ending bad relationships in my life. It's a skill I want to develop before I "get back out there" as they say. Until then it's the Everlast chastity belt for me.
Take care. You'll do what you need to do when it's the right time for you.
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Old 04-13-2014, 07:57 AM
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Yurt---You are waiting for the "big" thing to happen to "justify" your move.

I can tell you what is "big" enough to "justify"----the fact that you WANT to make the move. There is no bigger reason than that. What you want deep inside yourself is as big as what anyone else on this planet wants. You are as important as any other living thing. No one else supersedes you in VALUE.

You don't have to explain or justify! Not to anyone. You need to be honest to yourself--within yourself. This is all between you and your HP--however that represents itself to you.

This is about YOU. You. Do not wait for him to justify you.

I say this to give you something to consider.......

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Old 04-13-2014, 08:52 AM
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Dandylion,
I am pretty sure that you have told me this at least once before. I am starting to get my head wrapped around it and to get my courage up to move forward. I have another counselor appointment this week, so I hope to address this issue. I just feel so impatient, and the "pleasant disposition" (although, it is probably temporary), is just making me realize that my actions are not dependent on his actions.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:09 AM
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Yurt---in reality, I think it is a BIG concept to wrap one's head around...LOL! But..once done....it brings a lot of things into focus. Some people never get it. It took me a while.

I believe you are getting there!!

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Old 04-16-2014, 11:46 PM
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If you bring up your situation to a person in a healthy relationship, I think they will consider just a fraction of what you've gone through to be pretty "big." We are going to play the What Would I Tell My Daughter game now. You're sitting with your daughter and she's unloading all of these stories onto you. What would you say to her? Honestly.

Edited to add any healthy person, period. In a relationship or not!
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:56 AM
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Well, he has continued with his "cutting back" for a full week now, with no big blow ups or tantrums during these past 7 days. A record. When this happened last year I was overjoyed. Now, I feel so disconnected, I just feel like a data recorder (probably being very codie; tracking his drinking and behaviors). It occurred to me a couple of days ago that one reason I am less enthralled with his reformed self was his reasoning behind it. It had nothing to do with his treatment of DD or me (don't think he remembers much, anyway), but the $$ he will save as a result. Last year when he quit smoking, he funneled the money he wasn't spending on cigs into his own savings account (that he refused to put my name on at the time). We have since changed banks and I am now on all of the accounts, but he still considers it HIS. I fully expect he will start doing the same with any money he perceives saved by less drinking. Until he ramps back up, of course.

There is the slim chance that this will stick, but as I replay the "highlights reel" of our last 5 years or so, I am just not in a forgiving mood. I dream of a little 2 bedroom cottage in the downtown area of our community. I imagine peaceful evenings, growing what I like in the garden, not feeling compelled to jump up at every frosty moment to sooth feathers, etc. I would also like to see DD finish high school without the level of stress that she is under, to have her be allowed to have friends come over, to not see her feel the need to join every single club at school, just so she won't have to come home in the evening...

Last edited by Yurt; 04-17-2014 at 05:57 AM. Reason: errors
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:12 AM
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Yurt--KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE!

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Old 04-17-2014, 07:03 AM
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I agree Yurt, you deserve to fulfill your dream. Once I finally realized my XAH was not going to recover was when I pulled my head out of the sand and looked at the behavior of the past years. A week sober here, even a year there, yet still, back again to it. He once said to me he would always drink a little. That's true, although the amount is not. He also fails to see that mixing with Rx Xanax is not acceptable. O well, this has become his problem to deal with, not mine.

Keep working on you Yurt!

God Bless!
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:06 AM
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Yurt, I, too waited for the "big thing" to happen. I was miserable the last two-three years of our marriage and badly wanted out.... but I was too paralyzed by fear, obligation, guilt, and more guilt! to make a move. In my case, the big thing DID happen. My STBXAH snapped, had an altercation with my 15 year old son. DS had had it. He moved out. The fallout from that has been incredibly painful for all of us. My relationship with ds may never be the same again. If ds ever forgives his father and re-establishes their relationship, I have no doubt that relationship will never be the same. I so wish I had had the courage to just make the break sooner. I think your original plan of leaving during the summer is a good one. Less than 2 months, right? You can do this, Yurt. Your dream of a little cottage sounds wonderful
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:25 AM
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You've come so far Yurt & your dream is beautiful & worth achieving. It's no surprise that his not-drinking is just as stressful as his active drinking. We've all seen how moderation without intent to recover is generally short-lived, you are being smart by waiting to see if "more is revealed". ((((HUGS)))) to you!
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Old 04-17-2014, 08:36 AM
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I am guilty of this as well. I waited for him to screw up again, not by just drinking. It always happened, but the time spans were different. This last time when I left was actually one of his good periods but I just had had enough. Enough of the waiting game, the dread every single day wandering if this was going to be the day. AH has cut back on his drinking as well for a few months now, this time I won't be there when he decides its been long enough. I now feel that if the next episode is what you are waiting for, it could very well be the worst one there will ever be....... Stay strong and know you are not alone
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Old 04-17-2014, 09:02 AM
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Yurt-
I think we are leading almost "twin" lives. I'm sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. Actually, a good time for me to leave would have been when he landed himself in the hospital 2 weeks ago, but my brother is getting married on our property next month so I didn't want to take a chance to ruin his wedding. (excuses?) He's watching his drinking right now as your husband is, "Cutting back". I know sooner or later he will slip up and have a full on blackout drunk anytime now.
I also dream of a little cottage, just big enough for me and DD! Knowing what we are coming home to every day, what we are waking up to, and being able to laugh and play with out waking someone up after a binge.
Stay strong. I believe God will tell me when I need to leave, and I feel it coming soon. Believe in yourself!
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:15 AM
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It's funny how I can feel calm and patient during the drinking episodes (well, not completely; I lost 30 pounds this year from the stress), yet feel so agitated and wobbly when he is somewhat sober. Not sure if it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, or if it is because he does not pass out at 7 pm any more and give me some respite like he did when he was drinking heavily. I just know that tonight, I could not stand to be around him.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:38 AM
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I'm an ACoA. One of my biggest hurdles in recovery has been learning to accept peace in my life. I don't know how to handle serenity. Quiet scares me. If there is no chaos, I must create it. It's part of our conditioning after living with an A and being codependent. How dare they go and act halfway normal? They can't intrude on our time and space like that. Yeah, I get it. I'm still working on that part.
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Old 04-18-2014, 05:10 AM
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For me, it is like moving in circles. But it is strange how I was completely incapable to blame it on alcoholism, and of course, I had no idea what codependency was. Now, there is a clear pattern and this pathology of our relationship became really obvious. There is the dance. I have learned one thing: Unless my AH says "I am ready to stop completely," and then sticks to his decision and ACTS accordingly, there is pretty much no hope for us. And I am fully entitled to cutting these strings (it is more like ropes and chains) of codependency.
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Yurt View Post
It's funny how I can feel calm and patient during the drinking episodes (well, not completely; I lost 30 pounds this year from the stress), yet feel so agitated and wobbly when he is somewhat sober. Not sure if it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, or if it is because he does not pass out at 7 pm any more and give me some respite like he did when he was drinking heavily. I just know that tonight, I could not stand to be around him.
I can relate! When my SO got out of the hospital and didn't drink at all for a week I had no idea how to handle it. That's when it really dawned on me how much of a problem this is. He was still up at 8 pm, sober and just...around. I'm used to him either passed out on the sofa or in his own little world. Part of me got angry at myself because I had let myself get used to his alcoholism and the other part of me was in a state of shock.

Of course, the sobriety didn't last long. But my eyes are still open.
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