My Heart Just Broke

Old 04-12-2014, 04:23 PM
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My Heart Just Broke

I've come to realisation tonight and it kills me, and I'm calling upon you because in a couple of weeks, I'm gonna need your help.
This is a tiny bit graphic but necessary so you know exactly what has happened.
He came home from work at half 4 in the afternoon. We were supposed to be going to have a meal but then we decided to have a takeaway instead so we had to drive (rather, I drove) to this nice takeaway. On our way, he asked me to stop at a shop so he could get a beer. To avoid argument, I did. He used his credit card so it looks like he's at the limit of his debit card. He got one beer and we went to the takeaway, got the food and on the way home, he bought three more beers.
We ate our food, and he phoned his mum while finishing the other three beers. Then at 10:40pm, he left to go to the shop to get more beer. He asked me if I wanted anything and what was wrong. I lied and said nothing. He was gone for almost 45 mins and he had left his phone behind. We don't live in a particularly nice area and the people on a Saturday are even less pleasant so I thought that I look on the street for him. I went down the lift and there he is, drinking and a beer and talking to some random woman. He wasn't chatting her up or anything, but it made me feel like he'd rather chat to a stranger to validate his drinking (because she was as well) than spend time with me sober. I motioned him to come upstairs and went back to the flat.
5 minutes later, he comes back up and tells me that she was the mother of our neighbour and he was talking to her about their homeland (same nationality) for around half an hour.
We watched a movie and then went to bed. He snuggled up and initiated sex. Again, I went along with it, hoping to get something good out of tonight. Instead, he couldn't finish and blamed me because I was "too wet". I held back the tears and simply turned away from him. He went to the toilet, nearly fell over and said that he was drunk but he didn't want to be. Too late though! I heard him throwing up in the toilet.
I've seen him drink 4 bottles of beer and 1 can. Now, to be this drunk, he must've drank something else, right? He's drank more than this and not even been tipsy.
The thing is - I can't actually put up with it anymore. I've got my lamp light on to stop the room from spinning, been insulted for something that isn't my fault, and blamed. Is this what my life is going to be like with him? Pretty much. Why he comes back from his holiday, I am going to speak with him and initiate the break up. I'm absolutely done and finished. I'm trying so hard not to cry because at this moment, I feel like a common ***** who can't satisfy anybody.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:32 PM
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Worried0810- I am sorry you are going through this. Please be aware this is not your fault. There was a discussion on this sex part please check out the thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:40 PM
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if you love him like i feel you do maybe talk openly and honest... get ready for a defensive position just like i took when my lady approached me. i lied and lied and now im paying the price for that. maybe see a relationship counselor together which is what im wishing for but he has to want to go and want to change.. hes heading down a bad road ... good luck. i just said a prayer for you both...
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Worried0810 View Post
...been insulted for something that isn't my fault
Hold on to that.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. If it isn't your fault (which it isn't), don't let yourself be brought down. It sounds like you have some resolve to do what's best for you. Good for you! A tactic commonly used by As is "the best defense is an offense"--and he/she will do anything, or say anything to protect their right to drink. Recognize this as a tactic, and do what you can to detach (I know it's not easy).
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:43 PM
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Why wait?
Honey....the first thing I want to say is...its not you...its him. It doesn't matter what else he drank...does it? I mean, it just doesn't. I am so sorry you are hurting. There was a recent thread on here about alcoholics and impotency or something...you should read it. Its an eye opener. We all thought it was just us...but honestly, no, its not.
i cannot for certain say that this is what your life is going to be like, of course. I can say...it sounds like you are lonely, unappreciated, unfulfilled, and those are all plenty of reasons to move on. I can also say, from personal experience, the ugly treatment, the impotency, the drinking, the lying, disappearing, replacing you with other random stranger drinkers they come across, all of it, will escalate. That is just the way the cookie crumbles. Could I count the number of nights I did what you did, turned away, in tears, after he blamed me for being unable to finish? Nope, there are far too many. Honey, let this guy go like you said are gonna do...we will all be here holding you up while you get through it. Don't beat yourself up about it, either. There is someone fantastic out there that will love and cherish you...that will spend tons of time just waiting to talk to you and see you. (Have you heard about this dryer delivery guy that popped into my life?) The number of guys out there just waiting to talk to you...to stand there and gaze into your eyes is limitless. They are literally everywhere. You just have to see them...and you don't because you are so wrapped up in this one! You deserve better than what this guy is giving you. Don't be sad, if you can ok? Be strong. Prepare. Get yourself together, so you can get rid of him, and move on. Get your ducks in a row. Detach, just maybe force yourself to quit caring what he says and does...and start caring about what YOU say and what YOU do. You can have the most amazing life...you just gotta reach out and grab it.
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:56 PM
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Dear Worried,

Please know that it's not you. Listen & reread what the great folks here at SR have written to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this - but it will be better because I know you have the strength to walk away from that situation. He needs help, he's an alcoholic. But you need to distance yourself... I know it's heart braking and not easy but you'll be happier & you deserve better. God bless you honey. big hug to ya, Bernadette777
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Old 04-13-2014, 02:11 AM
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Thanks everyone.
The reason that I'm not leaving right this second is because we are going on holiday in four days, and then after a week, he is staying and I am going to see my mum and I don't want to ruin my second holiday. Also, he has promised that he will not drink on this holiday and I know he will, so it's just another reason for me to leave.
The sensible part of me knows that it's nothing to do with me, but emotionally I'm hurt because I feel like I must not be good enough to satisfy him. It's not the first time he said this to me but it's only recently I've come to realise that it is a form of abuse. I had low self esteem anyway but he's really put me down.
Thank you though for your strong words - I know what I have to do, it's just doing it that is the problem. My mum was with a guy who was very similar and she dumped him a few months ago. I need to take some strength from her!
Does anyone have any useful tips on how to detach? I mean, I've been trying to basically not care about him when he drinks, but last night I was beginning to panic that maybe he had gone to the shop to get drugs, or gone to his friend to get high and I was hating myself for it because I know that I shouldn't have cared where he had gone. Argh - damn these emotions!
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Old 04-13-2014, 03:49 AM
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I highly recommend you start going to Al Anon. There you will be given the tools necessary to detach from your A.

In order to detach you have to break the cycle of co-dependency and enabling. The first step is to accept that you are powerless over his alcoholism and addiction. Last night instead of having the nice evening you planned on the evening was centered around your BF getting drunk. I understand the thought process of just stopping to let him get a beer rather than get into an argument (been there) however, you were driving HIM. This entire night was you in the passenger seat being told what to do with a mind set of "accept it and shut up".

Review your post - he left to get more beer and after being gone your mind started wandering if he had possibly left to get drugs. You went down to look for him because "you don't live in a nice area" to do….what? To see if he was being attacked? Or to hope that you could stop him from going to get drugs? The night then proceeded with your very drunk A wanting sex which you did not want and you once again went with it I imagine to also avoid an argument. Now you feel bad because he insulted you.

How many times last night did you do something you didn't want to do?

Boundary setting is intregal to detaching from your A. Boundary's are set for YOU not for HIM, you cannot control him. Don't even bother trying it is an exercise in futility. You can control yourself. A boundary would be saying that you won't stop to get beer, you won't have sex when he is intoxicated. You have to dismiss the fear of an argument - you aren't saying that you can't have a beer just that he needs to make arrangements himself to obtain it (and he will).

Trying to find other outlets to enjoy would be helpful for you as well. There is nothing wrong with you deciding to leave to go to a friend's house, a coffee shop, a movie etc. when he decides to drink.

Sorry you are going through this!
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Old 04-13-2014, 03:58 AM
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I just stumbled across this thread, goodness me, Im an alcoholic and I can see what he's doing. I would explain to him you cant do this anymore, unless he gets help you will walk. You see, the thing with alcoholics is they always think things will be ok, he didnt mean what he said to you, he was drunk. Im not giving any excuses, but in a drinkers mind they rationalise everything. If he is still the man you loved then urge him to get help.
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:31 AM
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Hi Worried, just gone back to read your previous threads. I'm glad for your sake you've reached the point where you're ready to move on, because you've been building up to it for a while, just getting the courage. But it really is time now.

Regarding the intimacy side, he's taking advantage of your lack of experience and his age to put this guilt on you, rather than accepting the fact that alcoholics make really lousy lovers. He's counting on you not knowing any better, but one day you'll look back and think 'how could I have fallen for that load of cobblers?'

You're still young and you've put up with a lot, maybe thinking you're not worth any better. Believe me when I tell you there are better men out there.

Please start planning for your exit early, like getting accommodation, how you're going to move your things and so on. If he owes you money I wouldn't count on getting it back. Be ready for him to tell you how sorry he is, how he'll change, how he'll try to cut down. Talk is talk, and he never backs it up with action so you're going to have to be very strong not to give in again. Keep posting here for lots of support and some great advice.
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:41 AM
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I disagree, you put it on the line, he gets help or moves out, if you have nowhere to stay then get a hotel, one way or another you will have to leave, but just walking out isnt really the answer is it?
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:44 AM
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. Instead, he couldn't finish and blamed me because I was "too wet".

Siista, I gotta tell ya, I have never heard this one before. It's called to drunk to maintain.

My vote, go see your mum, delete the part of the trip where he gets to blindside you. Just my two cents.

You can never please a drunk. Not ever.
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:57 AM
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Its true, drink will always be on his mind, like I say, if he gets help have another go, if hes not going to, leave. But dont have this mantra all drinkers are horrible human beings, it seems hes horrible anyway, drink or no drink
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Old 04-13-2014, 05:27 AM
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I'm so sorry. It's so hard to do what we need to do for ourselves. You are right - the feelings just get in the way and cloud our thinking. What has helped me the most is coming here daily to read and to get support. The behavior of A's is all so similar. It's much easier to see when someone else is being mistreated and it helps me see things clearer in my own relationship. I still get sucked in sometimes and it's still difficult and sad but every single day gets easier and there is not a day I regret separating. I feel so much healthier. It also helps to do things for yourself, take care of yourself make that your focus. When I finally understood I couldn't control his drinking and stopped putting so much energy into it, it became easier to detach. I could put that energy into myself.
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Old 04-13-2014, 05:54 AM
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Hi Worried,

Your A is doing what A's do: they drink. Then they manipulate and lie to those around them to cooperate and enable the drinking that is non-negotiable (lips wagging and promises that will never be kept is know as "quacking" around these parts).

Watch his belt buckle... when you are playing football and you are watching your opponent across the line and he is trying to fake you out with his eyes and body language and even taunting you with words from their lips... they want to keep you off balance. Don't look at his face or his lips with empty promises... drop your eyes to his belt buckle: this is who he is... his soul, spirit, heart and where you will see his actions come from.

What is he doing? Nothing good. There is no recovery, no remorse, no actions from the belt buckle. NOthing changes if nothing changes.

Sadly, he is like my XA in the worst of his addiction... he was NOT relationship material!

If you were to exit stage left asap... your A could deal with his lifes choices all by his lonesome and if there were to be a some great miracle and he changed into prince charming say....in the next year... you could choose to take him back. The odds of this are about a million or more to 1... so I would start making a new life where you can be happy, joyous and free.

I did. I recommend it very highly. Mood altering and toxic men are not worth the pain they bring...

Keep us posted. We care.
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Old 04-13-2014, 06:42 AM
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Oh my God, all your advice is amazing! It's like you're watching a video of my life!
I am he experienced in matters of sex etc but even I thought that his excuse was not quite right. And it's not the first time that he's not been able to finish and blamed me.
Sometimes I feel that it could all change but I know it won't. I'm worried that when I say that I can't do this anymore, he'll beg and plead for me to stay because he'll change.
He also does owe me money, quite a lot of money so should I ask for this back before I speak to him? I couldn't really afford to go without having this money back.
At times, he is a lovely guy but more recently, I feel like a slave - making dinner, doing the chores, food shopping and looking after all the bills. If he's got a problem (which is often because he thrives on drama), I'm the one to fix it, or tell him out to fix it.
He keeps calling me by my nicknames and hugging me, but it's just to keep me sweet isn't it? I do love him, but I don't love being with him anymore. I'm looking forward to when he goes on holiday and I'm home because it means that I will be on my own, able to think and see what it would be like to be alone again.
Every weekend, I do a lot of things that I don't want to do. I do things simply to avoid arguments, whereas I should be facing this head on. I probably went out last night to find him hoping to catch him taking drugs.
When this does happen, I do have places to stay so that wouldn't be a problem. I can stay with my dad, or my friend as long as I need. I worry how he would cope without me, even though he was coping fine before. I think that if he didn't owe me money, I would've gone long ago. I've been looking for a places to live and I've seen a couple of places that I want to view. When we talk, I'd rather not stay here and to be out of the flat ASAP.
Believe it or not, his mum told me that he had cut down on his drinking since he met me, but I think it's crept back up. Every weekend is like a nightmare because we don't really go in much and when we do, there's beer involved, even going to a garden centre!
For those who have separated, how did you do it? What did you say and how did that conversation go?
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:17 AM
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Hi,

In regard to detachment, I've grown to learn that it comes when you are ready for that space. I think we all get to that point in our own time. For me, as I'm detach learning mode, I decided to begin detachment because I got tired of being dismissed by him for his booze & drugs. I got tired it, simply put. Do thoughts kick in- sure, but I'm learning thank God to cope & breath through those moments- I remember something painful or upsetting about being with him- then that moment fades, thank God. Take care of yourself, you are supported here. "SR Angels" is what I call you guys! You're in my prayers for detachment, freedom, happiness & love. Xo, Bernadette777
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:49 AM
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Hi Worried, you raised a few points on the practical side:
- see if you can get the money before you leave, but chances are you won't see it again, so be ready for that.
- Have somewhere ready to spend the night when you break up with him. Ideally move your stuff while he's away. That's not so much sneaky as avoiding drama. I'm not sure how isolated you are where you live but keep your safety in mind, after all he's a drama queen.
- Go as soon as you practically can as he's sucking the life out of you.
- Go non contact with him as soon as practical, because he will turn on the charm to keep his control of you. If you don't give in he may get nasty.
- How he copes is not your problem. Really. He'll find some other person to suck dry and manipulate before you know it.
- How to tell him? Well you could email him while he's away, or tell him in person. Just keep your own security in mind. Maybe this is something you could discuss with your Dad, or friends who've been through breakups.
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:49 AM
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I used boundaries to make my exit. My boundary was: I won't live in a home with active alcoholism. So now I don't. I left him to his own devices, and he's still drinking, but that's his problem, not mine. We both made our choices. His was to keep drinking, mine was to leave. I'm very happy with my choice.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:36 AM
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Read and reread FeelingGreat's post just above. Follow that to the letter.

I would not tell him ahead of time, I would make a plan and be gone when he comes home. Leave a note or send a text after it's done.

He WILL try everything to get you back. That's what they do. "I promise this time will be different. I'll get help. I can't live without you. You can't live without me. I'm going to kill myself. I understand now, I'll change. You're the only one I've ever loved...etc...."

Alcoholics are Master Manipulators.

Get out. You've already decided. Cut your losses and go ASAP. Forget the money he owes you - don't worry about him and his issues. Worry about you and why you feel you deserve to be treated so badly.
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