Norasq

I've been married to a high functioning alcoholic for 20 years. We separated a year ago, when I finally(!) realized how much alcohol and drug use was impacting our family life and when I realized that I couldn't change his drinking and xanax abuse.

I've done a lot of al-anon work, and it's helped me tremendously. But one problem keeps resurfacing for me: What do I say to friends when they ask why we're not together. Usually I say it's complicated but I'm happier now and leave it at that. And my closest friends know the truth. But at times, I feel like I want to say more -- H is an alcoholic and I couldn't live with it any more. But that feels disrespectful of H, and I feel like it's "bad" to say that even though it's my truth. I grew up with an ACOA mother whose biggest message to me through childhood was DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING and I understand now how that foundation had a lot to do with how it was that I could live with an alcoholic for 20 years and remain so confused and silent.

This week, the issue surfaced bigtime when I got a letter from someone I considered a close friend to my H and me, but whom I've not heard from since we separated. (Which, in itself, was revealing about what sort of friend she is, actually.) Her letter said that she was disappointed and angry at me for abandoning H, and she considers me deceitful and manipulative because when we talked before H and I separated, the feelings I was expressing sounded like normal marital ups and downs. She doesn't understand why I needed to break up a long marriage. She and her husband have continued their relationship with H, who denies that he is an alcoholic and of course they see the charming, nice side of him.

So, I know that what she thinks doesn't matter, although it hurts. I know the situation has revealed that she wasn't a good friend, and that she doesn't know me or the situation. I am trying to sort out what (if anything) to say FOR MYSELF. I know I can't change what she thinks. I know her judgment is wrong and unfounded. But saying nothing in the face of what she's said feels like I am colluding in H's secrecy about drinking and the effects it has had on our family. I want to stick up for me FOR MY OWN SAKE. But it's confusing.

If anyone has any insight to share -- or struggles with this too, I'd appreciate hearing about it. I know it's part of the codependent crazy stuff. But I'm having a hard time putting it down right now.

Thanks.

Norasq

Ofelie

You have to wonder why she thought it was her business to tell you what to do or not do in YOUR marriage. I hate that, truly. No one, no one at all, except the two who are married, knows what goes on in a marriage. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone...except yourself and of course your husband. I don't care if you divorced him because you hated his eyebrows or the way he chews his food.
Many of us here go through stuff like this, where the alcoholic or abuser goes to his/her family/friends and plays the martyr/victim. Its stupid, its sickening and hurtful. We can't stop that from happening, we can only choose how we react. In your case, I wouldn't bother. I think THAT would tell her more than enough. Indifference to her opinion would say plenty, right? You do NOT need to defend or explain yourself to some uppity nosey gossipy busybody. In my opinion, it won't help to defend yourself, she already has her mind made up right? If you say he's an alcoholic, she will go right to him and say, hey she says you're a drunk...and then he will say no she's crazy, etc. Back and forth, back and forth, and what, tell me, what is the point of that? What does it solve? She has made her character quite clear here. Now, yeah, the woman might in fact apologize once she hears the truth and say, gee, I am so sorry I had no idea, how can I help?? Right? Yeah, right, I doubt it, and of course I am only hearing your side, and not the actual email, so I am making a lot of assumptions. You know what those accomplish, right?
Basically, its not anyone's business at all why you divorced him. That is between you and him. I don't know if telling the world he is an alcoholic will help, it didn't for me. If they confront him, maybe he would stop just to prove everyone wrong, stop for like a week, or three, or a few months, whatever. I dunno. And he could break down and admit it. Whatever, still the point is the same, you are a grown up. You are fully capable of deciding whether or not you want to be married to that guy or any other guy. Did you ask her permission to marry him in the first place? No? Good. IF I answered that email or letter whatever it is at all...since I am in a very bad mood, I would just tell her to %#&@*$# Off and cram it in her cramhole. She needs to mind her own damn business. And YOU don't need to beat yourself up about it, honey. You made the best decision for YOU. That is all that matters. AND hey, Kudos for getting the hell out of that situation. Good for you.

embraced2000

when I tried to explain to others, it made me feel like a hamster in one of those wheel exercise thingys......running, running, not getting anywhere.

I formed a statement in my mind to repeat to others.......generic, truthful, no gory details. it went something like this........there were personal issues that were not healthy for me or our marriage. our marriage needed to end. and what has your family been up to? .............

time will reveal all. and it did. when I avoided going over, and over, and over all the gore of it all to others, I could concentrate on myself and begin my own healing. it was useless for me to try to explain it to others because it was just too insane.....I mean, really, a person can't make up some of the crap that went down in my marriage. just way too bizarre to even to try and understand.

Worried0810

If I were you, I'd tell people the truth. Say that your AH drank way too much, he was an alcoholic and you'd had enough. Why should you protect him still? Leave that silly bitch to make her own choice - like you say, she's shown what kind of friend she is and you don't need people like that in your new life. She'll realise her mistake when she sees how bad his drinking actually is.
I understand though that you may feel a bit of shame about telling people that you put up with it for so long but you've come out stronger on the other side, and you will find out who your friends truly are. I did when I told my family about my ABF's drinking and drug use.
If people ask, tell them the truth about what he is really like, stick up for yourself because by sweeping it under the carpet - you won't deal with some of the issues. You do need to talk to people, get it out of your system. Don't keep his habit hidden anymore - it may even encourage him to seek help. But he is not your concern anymore - you focus on you, you focus on finding yourself, and ignore stupid people like that woman, surround yourself with people who love and support you but don't protect him anymore. In a way, you're still enabling him because you're hiding his secret (apart from your closest friends).
It is totally up to you what you choose to do, but I personally would tell people who he's like and defend your corner. You deserve better than people making judgments about your situation.
Big hugs and respect to you - I'm still with my ABF, but each day, I am finding new reasons and strength to leave. You've already taken that massive step and shown what a strong person you are

Smiley1

How about "irreconcilable differences" and leave it at that. I recently heard a fellow al anon say how she choose "dignity and grace" and that would be the path I would take

Good luck. As you said "more will be revealed".....

Designgrl

My real friends and family know the truth about why my marriage ended. People I'm just meeting for the first time or having job interviews with, I just simply say, "I've moved back to my home state because I'm going through a divorce.... sometimes things just don't work out!"

I know he is busy telling every one we use to know that I had all kinds of problems and he was so unhappy being married to me. Does it hurt to know this? Sure, but he's an alcoholic and eventually his true self will show through to all the people around him. You see, even though he's claimed he drank because he was so miserable being married to me, the truth is he's still drinking and I'm long gone. It won't take a rocket scientist to figure out that maybe I wasn't the problem after all.

I say take the high road...I wouldn't even bother with her at all.

NYCDoglvr

How about: "it didn't work out"? There's no reason to give a lengthy dialogue about all the bad stuff that happened. Most people don't really want to know all the details, they just ask out of courtesy.

Live

The only person who MIGHT have the right to ask about my past relationships would be my fiancee and he doesn't care. they are in the past, right.?

lillamy

Oh yes, the secrets we keep... I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you how I handled it.

I still wanted to protect him and his image/reputation/ability to keep his job. My real friends knew what the truth was. My family certainly did -- they knew before I did what a disaster my marriage was. But I felt that it was his choice, and part of his recovery, to determine what he wanted to tell people about himself. (I never told the kids to lie about it, though -- they knew the truth, and I told them that they could share whatever they were comfortable with in talking to their friends.)

When I met people who were AXH's friends after the divorce, much like you, I said "it was not a good situation, and everyone is better off this way" and left it at that. If people persisted in asking why, I would simply smile and say (thanks to Dear Abby who used this as a standard response to intrusive questions): "Dear, if you forgive me for not answering that question, I will forgive you for asking."

I know alcoholism often forces families to keep secrets and lie, and I hate that. But when I looked at my motives for wanting to tell people the truth -- that he was an abusive alcoholic -- I realized that the only reason for telling was that I really wanted to convince them that I was right, that I had good reason to leave. But when I realized I didn't need to convince anyone; that I knew exactly why and the reasons were good enough for me -- I really could breathe more easily. It was a relief in a way.

I actually dumped quite a few mutual friends of AXH's and mine because they sided with him and attempted to, by letter or e-mail, convince me to return to him. I wrote so many e-mails and letters that ranged from "I wasn't aware God had died and made you Supreme Queen of the Universe and Judge Of All" to "While I appreciate your concern about my former marriage, I assume AXH didn't tell you he used to regularly rape me and call the children vermin and bastards and accuse me of sleeping around and tell one of our children that she was so f**ked up that she was probably the result of me f**king someone else?"

I never sent any of those messages. I decided it was as useless to talk to them as it would be to talk to AXH, and that by approaching me with those well-meaning attempts at "saving my marriage" they had already shown that they had chosen to believe AXH's version of the story. Meaning, any written communication would no doubt be shared with AXH and thus become part of the PITA court proceedings, and I didn't need that. Nor did I need to defend my actions to people who let themselves be manipulated by AXH. I was grateful that their letters and e-mails had revealed to me that they would be direct channels to AXH and that they would no doubt take his side -- and I removed them from my phone and address lists and never looked back.

It was quite freeing, really, once I decided on that course of action.

I think you can safely tell people who pry that "we are separated and in the process of divorcing, and I trust you understand that the details are our private business. More bean dip?" (that is, change the subject). As for the one who wrote you -- she could stand a dozen or so Al-Anon meetings to learn that her feelings of betrayal and manipulation are her own and that she is free to deal with them any way she sees fit -- they are in no way, shape, or form YOUR responsibility.

CodeJob

Option 1. That there is an evil b. Burn the letter. That's really the best thing to release negative energy... Plus then you can't read it over and over.

Option 2. return the letter in a "he is risen" Easter card writing "thanks for your concern. We had so hoped X would seek his recovery but he didn't react well to the intervention. I so pray your friendship with him will be a powerful force for change. I cannot thank you enough for helping him through this difficult time. My prayers are of course with you for your success in this endeavor. God bless you and yours during this time of rebirth." The fun thing is if you run into the controlling b you can smile and wave like a total idiot and ask her how it is going in such a meaningful way....

Or write her a nasty gram and don't send it.

I had no idea people even had time to write such drivel!

Norasq

Thank you all for your input and sharing. It has really helped me today. And CodeJob, you have made me laugh for the first time today -- I love your Easter card suggestion. I knew all of you would help me bring this all into perspective.