Reaction Today from Trauma 30 Years Ago?
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Reaction Today from Trauma 30 Years Ago?
So, I had a strange realization this morning that I thought I would share. It brought back memories and immediate feelings of self-loathing (I didn't know what that was back then) from my childhood. It is so sad how a severely dysfunctional parent can affect you later in life based on something that was seemingly innocent or "normal" in your childhood. Makes me really see how growing up with crazy shapes our world view and self image/esteem. I am obviously still working to correct much of this in myself.
We got sod installed yesterday in the yard. Looks great. Very happy with it. My job to water it twice a day. Got up early to water and feed everything and everyone. Happy morning. The garden shed was atop a pile of bricks off to the side and was likely going to fall onto the new sod today, so bf tried to pick up shed to carry it to the driveway. Plastic shed but heavy. He asked me to help. Of course. Really quickly I realized that I absolutely could not lift or in any way help. I tried and tried and tried. He was getting frustrated with my lack of strength as was I (btw, I think most of the time I am invincible and very strong and can do most anything, I am always surprised when I cannot). He kept pushing me and like a giant baby I started to cry (I don't do that). I said I was done and went to my room with the dogs (who always make sure mom is okay). I was crying and feeling like the biggest baby, loser, weakling, brat, and to top it off I knew that bf wasn't even frustrated really with me but with the shed being where it was and potentially ruining the (expensive) sod. He wasn't even that bad, but my reaction was over the top. What was I feeling? It wasn't about him or the shed, but this sadness, FEAR and self loathing (why am I so weak? I am a loser. etc...) rushed to my brain full steam.
Immediately, I remembered my dad. He loves yard work and is/was (he is older and heart issues) a man's man with the misfortune of having two girly girl daughters. He made me do yard work every saturday of my childhood. Not just little stuff, big stuff too. I always helped him, but it felt like punishment. If I complained (I learned not to) he had an insane over the top reaction telling me what a spoiled brat and princess I was. That I was lazy, weak and fat (I wasn't (5, 8", 130). I was always athletic, won sports events, lettered, I have a complex about this now that I am working on...). He pushed me with big projects that I literally could not do. He would yell and berate me when I fell short. To him I was either faking or just lazy if I could not do whatever task at hand. This abuse(?) started when I was about 8 and never really stopped. Changes forms. Today it is my career he doesn't like. Anyway, I remember being scared of him and running to my room to cry most saturdays my entire childhood. I had forgotten about that until today. that was my immediately reaction without thinking. What gives? Could that be some kind of PTSD? I felt very scared and bad about myself when I went to my room. Like I wasn't good enough.
BF finished moving the shed and came in to see where I was (I feel like a brat). He was smiling. Said he was sorry but he was just frustrated trying to move the shed. Why was I upset? I told him about my dad flashbacks and he was very nice about it.
The whole thing is silly and ridiculous and I feel like a baby. But, I think there is some connection to my over-reaction today and the abuse(? Would that be the right term) from 30 years ago. There are literally thousands of examples, memories and feelings I am sort of aware of from back then. I always assumed parents acting like that was normal. But sometimes I would notice on other houses, it didn't happen. As an adult I rarely if ever see parents treat their kids like that...at least not in public. Is a parent acting that way normal? Do most parents berate, shame and ridicule their kids? It doesn't seem like a good way to be. I would not ever want to do that. Today, (literally today) I am experiencing effects from those events.
Any insight are appreciated.
Thanks
We got sod installed yesterday in the yard. Looks great. Very happy with it. My job to water it twice a day. Got up early to water and feed everything and everyone. Happy morning. The garden shed was atop a pile of bricks off to the side and was likely going to fall onto the new sod today, so bf tried to pick up shed to carry it to the driveway. Plastic shed but heavy. He asked me to help. Of course. Really quickly I realized that I absolutely could not lift or in any way help. I tried and tried and tried. He was getting frustrated with my lack of strength as was I (btw, I think most of the time I am invincible and very strong and can do most anything, I am always surprised when I cannot). He kept pushing me and like a giant baby I started to cry (I don't do that). I said I was done and went to my room with the dogs (who always make sure mom is okay). I was crying and feeling like the biggest baby, loser, weakling, brat, and to top it off I knew that bf wasn't even frustrated really with me but with the shed being where it was and potentially ruining the (expensive) sod. He wasn't even that bad, but my reaction was over the top. What was I feeling? It wasn't about him or the shed, but this sadness, FEAR and self loathing (why am I so weak? I am a loser. etc...) rushed to my brain full steam.
Immediately, I remembered my dad. He loves yard work and is/was (he is older and heart issues) a man's man with the misfortune of having two girly girl daughters. He made me do yard work every saturday of my childhood. Not just little stuff, big stuff too. I always helped him, but it felt like punishment. If I complained (I learned not to) he had an insane over the top reaction telling me what a spoiled brat and princess I was. That I was lazy, weak and fat (I wasn't (5, 8", 130). I was always athletic, won sports events, lettered, I have a complex about this now that I am working on...). He pushed me with big projects that I literally could not do. He would yell and berate me when I fell short. To him I was either faking or just lazy if I could not do whatever task at hand. This abuse(?) started when I was about 8 and never really stopped. Changes forms. Today it is my career he doesn't like. Anyway, I remember being scared of him and running to my room to cry most saturdays my entire childhood. I had forgotten about that until today. that was my immediately reaction without thinking. What gives? Could that be some kind of PTSD? I felt very scared and bad about myself when I went to my room. Like I wasn't good enough.
BF finished moving the shed and came in to see where I was (I feel like a brat). He was smiling. Said he was sorry but he was just frustrated trying to move the shed. Why was I upset? I told him about my dad flashbacks and he was very nice about it.
The whole thing is silly and ridiculous and I feel like a baby. But, I think there is some connection to my over-reaction today and the abuse(? Would that be the right term) from 30 years ago. There are literally thousands of examples, memories and feelings I am sort of aware of from back then. I always assumed parents acting like that was normal. But sometimes I would notice on other houses, it didn't happen. As an adult I rarely if ever see parents treat their kids like that...at least not in public. Is a parent acting that way normal? Do most parents berate, shame and ridicule their kids? It doesn't seem like a good way to be. I would not ever want to do that. Today, (literally today) I am experiencing effects from those events.
Any insight are appreciated.
Thanks
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My mom did similar stuff. I still hear it in my head and I think it separates me from the good in myself. I don't ever remember hearing praise or compliments, only criticism. It has definitely shaped who I am as an adult.
When my mother died, I actually said to someone, "Gee, now she won't be around to pick on me anymore," and I was truly relieved. I don't think I ever cried a tear for her death.
I was in my forties.
Hugs to that little girl and to the adult you.
When my mother died, I actually said to someone, "Gee, now she won't be around to pick on me anymore," and I was truly relieved. I don't think I ever cried a tear for her death.
I was in my forties.
Hugs to that little girl and to the adult you.
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Oh, and another crazy thing was when I heard bf's steps approaching my room, I was terrified he would yell at me. He has never and would never (I hope) do that. My dad used to do that when I went to my room. My heart beat a mile a minute.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
My mom did similar stuff. I still hear it in my head and I think it separates me from the good in myself. I don't ever remember hearing praise or compliments, only criticism. It has definitely shaped who I am as an adult.
When my mother died, I actually said to someone, "Gee, now she won't be around to pick on me anymore," and I was truly relieved. I don't think I ever cried a tear for her death.
I was in my forties.
Hugs to that little girl and to the adult you.
When my mother died, I actually said to someone, "Gee, now she won't be around to pick on me anymore," and I was truly relieved. I don't think I ever cried a tear for her death.
I was in my forties.
Hugs to that little girl and to the adult you.
I am a little scared how I might react when dad dies. Worried I will be distraught but also worried I won't feel anything.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
You're doing a great job of getting to the root of your fears. That's how we heal. Your BF sounds like a great guy.
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It is not a normal way to treat anyone - especially not a child and definitely not you today. It also doesn't seem an over the top reaction to me because it was very real to you. You have every right to accept your defense mode when it kicks in and not berate yourself over it. As your own recovery progresses, you'll likely be learning other tools to deal with moments like this when they kick in. If you revert to old ways of coping, that is OKAY.
Our daughter and I have other stuff we each deal with. The other day we were talking about irrational reactions. It's very good to realize when we have them, either at the time or after the fact. Yet those feelings are very real in that moment --and sometimes later -- and need to be treated as such. Do not belittle them. (((hugs)))
Our daughter and I have other stuff we each deal with. The other day we were talking about irrational reactions. It's very good to realize when we have them, either at the time or after the fact. Yet those feelings are very real in that moment --and sometimes later -- and need to be treated as such. Do not belittle them. (((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
It is not a normal way to treat anyone - especially not a child and definitely not you today. It also doesn't seem an over the top reaction to me because it was very real to you. You have every right to accept your defense mode when it kicks in and not berate yourself over it. As your own recovery progresses, you'll likely be learning other tools to deal with moments like this when they kick in. If you revert to old ways of coping, that is OKAY.
Our daughter and I have other stuff we each deal with. The other day we were talking about irrational reactions. It's very good to realize when we have them, either at the time or after the fact. Yet those feelings are very real in that moment --and sometimes later -- and need to be treated as such. Do not belittle them. (((hugs)))
Our daughter and I have other stuff we each deal with. The other day we were talking about irrational reactions. It's very good to realize when we have them, either at the time or after the fact. Yet those feelings are very real in that moment --and sometimes later -- and need to be treated as such. Do not belittle them. (((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Aren't those thoughts awful. I hate them and am trying to figure out how to get rid of them. Tried writing letters to my dad to clear the air, but he never responded and I guess I am okay with that. I said part of what I needed to say. But, no real relief.
I am a little scared how I might react when dad dies. Worried I will be distraught but also worried I won't feel anything.
I am a little scared how I might react when dad dies. Worried I will be distraught but also worried I won't feel anything.
I tried to clear the air with my mother years before she died, too. It never really worked when I was looking for her to understand.
I finally decided that it was no longer about her being a good mother, it was about me being a good daughter. From that day forward I had to live with my actions toward mom as an adult. The little girl had no power. The adult had all the power. When mom would go into her criticism mode, I would say, "Mom I have to go." Then I would leave or hang up the phone. Thirty years of arguing taught me she wasn't willing to look at her part in anything, so I would have to look at only my part in everything. I decided I wasn't going to argue with her any more, and when she started, I disengaged. It worked, I didn't get all upset and revert to a six year old.
I had to understand that the four year old and the six year old and the eleven year old did not in any way deserve the treatment she got. As an adult, she had the right and the power to walk away from it. Mom was no longer God, and she was no longer on a pedestal.
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Have you read Respect Me Rules? That and other books on emotional abuse have been helping to empower me. Your boyfriend may be great in many ways, but the way he reacted to the whole problem is still not okay. To even bring up in any way shape or form his opinion that you weren't doing enough or trying hard enough "Can't you do this or that?" "Lift harder on this point!" is not right. We often accept those things from other people as they're just trying to show us or teach us how to do something. Sometimes it's the voice or tone, it can be silent stewing, etc. Once we realize that even those little things are not acceptable, then we can work on improvement. There are other ways to communicate and, especially for us with triggers, we have every right to request changes in that. If they refuse, we have every right to have boundaries and enforce them.
When your viewpoint of what is right/wrong/normal is so skewed, that becomes an unauthentic reality. With healing, you will find a solid true base that will restore your equilibrium. It will take time and work and is very worthwhile. This isn't about changing them. This is finding the authentic you without their voices directing you. It'll come. They may or may not change as you do, but you can learn ways to deal with them without letting it harm you. (((hugs)))
What are some of the things that help your self esteem and feeling empowered or healthier?
When your viewpoint of what is right/wrong/normal is so skewed, that becomes an unauthentic reality. With healing, you will find a solid true base that will restore your equilibrium. It will take time and work and is very worthwhile. This isn't about changing them. This is finding the authentic you without their voices directing you. It'll come. They may or may not change as you do, but you can learn ways to deal with them without letting it harm you. (((hugs)))
What are some of the things that help your self esteem and feeling empowered or healthier?
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Have you read Respect Me Rules? That and other books on emotional abuse have been helping to empower me. Your boyfriend may be great in many ways, but the way he reacted to the whole problem is still not okay. To even bring up in any way shape or form his opinion that you weren't doing enough or trying hard enough "Can't you do this or that?" "Lift harder on this point!" is not right. We often accept those things from other people as they're just trying to show us or teach us how to do something. Sometimes it's the voice or tone, it can be silent stewing, etc. Once we realize that even those little things are not acceptable, then we can work on improvement. There are other ways to communicate and, especially for us with triggers, we have every right to request changes in that. If they refuse, we have every right to have boundaries and enforce them.
When your viewpoint of what is right/wrong/normal is so skewed, that becomes an unauthentic reality. With healing, you will find a solid true base that will restore your equilibrium. It will take time and work and is very worthwhile. This isn't about changing them. This is finding the authentic you without their voices directing you. It'll come. They may or may not change as you do, but you can learn ways to deal with them without letting it harm you. (((hugs)))
What are some of the things that help your self esteem and feeling empowered or healthier?
When your viewpoint of what is right/wrong/normal is so skewed, that becomes an unauthentic reality. With healing, you will find a solid true base that will restore your equilibrium. It will take time and work and is very worthwhile. This isn't about changing them. This is finding the authentic you without their voices directing you. It'll come. They may or may not change as you do, but you can learn ways to deal with them without letting it harm you. (((hugs)))
What are some of the things that help your self esteem and feeling empowered or healthier?
The main men in my life have always been very courteous and publicly liked. However, behind closed doors things were different. Each time I am finding someone who is privately nicer to me, the exA was actually the nicest for the most part...but he is crazy and out of his mind too. Current bf is by far the most normal and from a very stable family (although they all were) who he sees each weekend. I will have to think about that some.
I feel empowered when I am creating something, problem solving or figuring out a solution. I feel empowered when I stay on schedule and stay fit. I feel empowered when I am independent. I am beginning to think that I am not a relationship person. I do not want to be that way, but I am most empowered when I am living on my own and doing my own thing.
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I have learned a good life lesson about my resentments I held for my mother. I vowed to never do to my children what my mother had done to me. and I didn't do those things.
but guess what? my adult children are now sharing with me about the things I did to them that has affected them in a negative way into adulthood. but, hey....I didn't do THOSE OTHER THINGS!!!!
so, I have concluded that is nearly impossible to come through childhood without some sort of emotional scarring....intentional or not. it seems to be a generational tug of war....each generation trying to be a better parent than they had, only to tug the rope a little too far the other way.
I hope I am around to see the outcome of my adult childrens child rearing skills.
but guess what? my adult children are now sharing with me about the things I did to them that has affected them in a negative way into adulthood. but, hey....I didn't do THOSE OTHER THINGS!!!!
so, I have concluded that is nearly impossible to come through childhood without some sort of emotional scarring....intentional or not. it seems to be a generational tug of war....each generation trying to be a better parent than they had, only to tug the rope a little too far the other way.
I hope I am around to see the outcome of my adult childrens child rearing skills.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
I feel empowered when I am creating something, problem solving or figuring out a solution. I feel empowered when I stay on schedule and stay fit. I feel empowered when I am independent. I am beginning to think that I am not a relationship person. I do not want to be that way, but I am most empowered when I am living on my own and doing my own thing.
-----------
I'd suggest looking at exactly what your boyfriend said and did this morning. Don't negate it. As we've found on this forum and in the rooms, we often minimize any kind of abuse. Was he pushing you to try harder? Were his frustrations with the shed being transferred to you? Acknowledge that fully, that his behavior was not okay. That berating yourself for any perceived weakness is not okay either. You do not deserve that abuse. <3 <3 If a shed is not easily moveable, then it's time to step back and think about alternative possibilities. Brainstorming ideas in a positive way instead of becoming frustrated with a situation or object. If it was momentary anger or frustration, that was still abusive behavior.
I have strong triggers right now to very small put-downs. I've been a target for a long time and am still feeling that. I was extra emotional last weekend. When both my 7 year old son and 22 year old daughter said little things that triggered me, I thought it through and was able to realize why and what I could ask to change that. Twice I didn't, but because of that thought process (and a lot of prior work), later on there were two times that I did. Those small steps felt amazing.
Respect Me Rules
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
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Two articles on muscle memory/tissue memory.
Muscle Memory, Trauma and Massage Therapy | Massage Professionals Update
Emotional Healing, Tissue Memory and Bodywork
Muscle Memory, Trauma and Massage Therapy | Massage Professionals Update
Emotional Healing, Tissue Memory and Bodywork
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I am so far from being a perfect person or girlfriend. My bf isn't quite perfect either. But we do look at each other with love.
We were both traumatized by criticism therefore we do not criticize each other, we are fragile in that area and I do not want to become strong to put up with criticism.
I think we both try to be in the manner we wish to be treated. I have learned much from his role modeling tho' it is just his nature to him.
Like biminiblue said...I just disengage when there is criticism that hurts me and that sounds like what you tried to do. Your feelings were hurt.
Hopefully your bf just learned something by this episode.
Unlike most, my mother and I have made things right between us, but she is at the root of my first accepting bad behavior and also the root of me getting therapy to re-learn my sense of self.
People who can not respect me cannot be in my life. That is what it came down to.
(((hugs))))
We were both traumatized by criticism therefore we do not criticize each other, we are fragile in that area and I do not want to become strong to put up with criticism.
I think we both try to be in the manner we wish to be treated. I have learned much from his role modeling tho' it is just his nature to him.
Like biminiblue said...I just disengage when there is criticism that hurts me and that sounds like what you tried to do. Your feelings were hurt.
Hopefully your bf just learned something by this episode.
Unlike most, my mother and I have made things right between us, but she is at the root of my first accepting bad behavior and also the root of me getting therapy to re-learn my sense of self.
People who can not respect me cannot be in my life. That is what it came down to.
(((hugs))))
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
I have learned a good life lesson about my resentments I held for my mother. I vowed to never do to my children what my mother had done to me. and I didn't do those things.
but guess what? my adult children are now sharing with me about the things I did to them that has affected them in a negative way into adulthood. but, hey....I didn't do THOSE OTHER THINGS!!!!
so, I have concluded that is nearly impossible to come through childhood without some sort of emotional scarring....intentional or not. it seems to be a generational tug of war....each generation trying to be a better parent than they had, only to tug the rope a little too far the other way.
I hope I am around to see the outcome of my adult childrens child rearing skills.
but guess what? my adult children are now sharing with me about the things I did to them that has affected them in a negative way into adulthood. but, hey....I didn't do THOSE OTHER THINGS!!!!
so, I have concluded that is nearly impossible to come through childhood without some sort of emotional scarring....intentional or not. it seems to be a generational tug of war....each generation trying to be a better parent than they had, only to tug the rope a little too far the other way.
I hope I am around to see the outcome of my adult childrens child rearing skills.
So now I'm raising 2 boys- 12 & 5. I'm very careful not to do what my mother did, or what her parents did. But there's always something. I guess I'll find out when they're older.
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Is a parent acting that way normal? Do most parents berate, shame and ridicule their kids?
There is nothing wrong with expecting your children to learn to work and participate in the work that is required to keep a house, a garden, a farm, a business running. But as a parent, it is your job to give your children age- and ability-appropriate tasks to work on. Because, see, the idea is to give the children a sense of achievement and pride in their work -- to teach them that work pays off, and that they can do things, and learn new things as they grow in strength, skill, and ability.
Your father was doing the opposite of that. He was using you as two things: Free labor and a garbage can for his emotions.
Working your kids hard is one thing. Using them as garbage cans for your adult frustrations is unconscionable. Nobody should ever do that to another human being -- least of all the child God has given them to nurture and protect.
I'm sorry you had to grow up like that. And I'm happy you are now in a situation where you are safe enough that you can allow these memories to start surfacing again.
One therapist told me that we often "re-enact" painful scenarios from our life in order to "write a better ending" to them. For example, one of my kids only chooses friends who lie, betray, and manipulate her -- just like her father treated her. And the subconscious idea is that if she can make them like her then she can let go of how her father abused her. The therapist is working with her on seeing that pattern, and choosing differently. It sounds like you have a good situation where you can work with your BF on "writing a different ending" to yard work. Now that he is aware of your past, maybe you can together make it something that is not stressful and triggering?
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Miss-
I had a similar experience most of my childhood with my father.
My therapist and bodyworker both call what I have experience trauma and that I was having PTSD reactions to the trauma.
It was hard to believe it because I never had "TRAUMA" of physical abuse etc.
I finally learned that PTSD in cases like mine is when you get incomplete "resolution" of the experience you had. For example I would shake and cry as a kid, hold stuff really tight in my body etc....BUT then the messages I thought was that it was not that bad. I could not resolve the first with the second.
Body centered therapy and bodywork have helped me immensely to resolve/complete what I experienced as a kid. For the first time ever in my 37 years in the last two months I can stay present in my body with conflict....and in the moment realize it is often someone else's issues (not mine as I have always taken on in the past."
It was SO scary being in it.....and challenging reliving it, but with support it helped me move stuff that I don't know if I could have done any other way.
I had a similar experience most of my childhood with my father.
My therapist and bodyworker both call what I have experience trauma and that I was having PTSD reactions to the trauma.
It was hard to believe it because I never had "TRAUMA" of physical abuse etc.
I finally learned that PTSD in cases like mine is when you get incomplete "resolution" of the experience you had. For example I would shake and cry as a kid, hold stuff really tight in my body etc....BUT then the messages I thought was that it was not that bad. I could not resolve the first with the second.
Body centered therapy and bodywork have helped me immensely to resolve/complete what I experienced as a kid. For the first time ever in my 37 years in the last two months I can stay present in my body with conflict....and in the moment realize it is often someone else's issues (not mine as I have always taken on in the past."
It was SO scary being in it.....and challenging reliving it, but with support it helped me move stuff that I don't know if I could have done any other way.
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Hi Miss...
I haven't posted in a while, but you're taking about recognizing things we've been doing subconsciously...yeah, they often start way back to abuse when we were little. I'm doing this stuff myself now.
Oh definitely, old traumas hide away, but they really lodge in, deep down into your subconscious.
The thing is, we develop a lot of habits to accommodate or run away from the feelings.
As I said, I'm working on this very stuff right now, so I can clearly see how important it is when we have to work on changing those habits.
As Life just said--- "It was SO scary being in it.....and challenging reliving it, but with support it helped me move stuff that I don't know if I could have done any other way.".
I've been working on this stuff very consciously lately. Right now I'm starting a book called "The Fantasy Bond" , which is about the "Love Hunger" we all develop in response to the harms we experience in our past. I'd recommend it; it's making lots of patterns of my own more understandable.
For me, this means working to change a lot of isolating protective behaviors I've been doing for forever. Bluh
...I must say, pushing yourself out into non-comfort zones is a real ride. Oh yeah. 
Party on.
So yes, definitely don't minimize the defenses you use or the feelings associated. We all developed in response to our past histories.
I haven't posted in a while, but you're taking about recognizing things we've been doing subconsciously...yeah, they often start way back to abuse when we were little. I'm doing this stuff myself now.
Oh definitely, old traumas hide away, but they really lodge in, deep down into your subconscious.
The thing is, we develop a lot of habits to accommodate or run away from the feelings.
As I said, I'm working on this very stuff right now, so I can clearly see how important it is when we have to work on changing those habits.
As Life just said--- "It was SO scary being in it.....and challenging reliving it, but with support it helped me move stuff that I don't know if I could have done any other way.".
I've been working on this stuff very consciously lately. Right now I'm starting a book called "The Fantasy Bond" , which is about the "Love Hunger" we all develop in response to the harms we experience in our past. I'd recommend it; it's making lots of patterns of my own more understandable.
For me, this means working to change a lot of isolating protective behaviors I've been doing for forever. Bluh
...I must say, pushing yourself out into non-comfort zones is a real ride. Oh yeah. Party on. So yes, definitely don't minimize the defenses you use or the feelings associated. We all developed in response to our past histories.
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