Chelsea1029

I was doing well then once again XAH sucks me in to the same argument we have had 150,000,000 times. The last few contacts had been civil and fine but I'm always waiting for the mood swing that means I will have the nastiness from him again. Somehow it still catches me off guard.
We both had to be at a meeting yesterday and, just I as I was worried about, he took the rest of the day off and came to the house. I still have a hard time saying no.
He asked why would I go for a bike ride with my son the night before when I knew he'd be calling to say good night before his meeting? What?! We have to sit home and wait for his calls?!
He also starts in again that I didn't invite him to a family event so he's given up just like I have. He's saying he won't sign any agreement and we should just get divorced. He doesn't need my health ins. He will ask for kids half time. Then started saying we should tell the kids right now! Who will have them for Christmas....blah, blah, blah
He doesn't need treatment because everyone at AA tells him lots of people stop without any other help.
At first he said he wouldn't do a breathalyzer before transporting the kids I told him (probably shouldn't have) that if he didn't I would tell the kids not to ride with him.
Anyway going around and around with his nonsense is exhausting. He will never get it. Everything is all about him. So how do I disengage from it?

He started the "poor me" stuff about how he cries himself to sleep every night. I said I did the same for the last year and a half when he was living here. If he was truly not drinking and wanted his marriage wouldn't he be doing everything he could to fix things?? Prove to me he's not drinking?
This morning he comes to pick up our son....as nice as can be...

I want off the crazy train....
I don't know how I used to do this everyday.
The only positive is that I started to crawl in bed and have my own pity party last night but instead got up and went for a walk/run and felt so much better. after.
I just want to be able to be civil for the kids and stop debating his drinking. I know the truth. So I shouldn't get sucked into him blaming me for where we are at. Any words of wisdom?
Sorry for rambling...

FeelingGreat

Hi Chelsea, when you get past all the fuss and threats is there any substance to what he's saying?
It sounds like he's throwing a whole lot of stuff at you at one time, hoping something will press your buttons.
Taking it one at a time: No need to respond to his thing about taking your son for a ride. Your actions were quite reasonable, you don't have to justify them. So say nothing to these random accusations, including invitations to family gatherings.
If he has any parenting requests, get him to write them down for you so you can consider your response. You don't have to answer right away just because he wants you to.
Threats - do I need to say, don't respond?
His recovery program? Not your business, don't get involved.
He cries at night - that's his business.
You cried at night - not his business.

So next time he wants to come to the house and hang out - no, you have other things to do.

embraced2000

my XAH used to suck me in, too. it was a dance we shared. I knew my part, and he knew his part. and we both knew each others steps. he'd say this, and i'd say that. on and on and on. when I started my own recovery (and it came to me slllooowwwwllyyyy!), I began to learn about setting boundaries and that it was my job to make those boundaries work for me. it's a process. but so well worth the effort. try to do something to be kind to yourself today. this concept was also very foreign to me at the time. at first, I just had to go through the motions of someones suggestion of what would be "kind to me". I would be spitting angry, non-compliant, hurt, clueless....but I would do what they suggested just to shut them up and get them offa my back. I mean, really?????? like a d@mn bubble bath was going to help me???????

but after awhile of kicking and screaming all the way to a self act of kindness, lo and behold.......it began to feel nice. and normal...whatever that it was. I just knew how I was feeling wasn't anywhere near "normal". I had lost my joy.

today, life is good. still have moments of weirdness, but at least now I can recognize it, feel it, and make a choice to make the weirdness have little significance to me.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest going "no contact" to sever ties completely.

ladyscribbler

He's throwing a bunch of crap at the wall to see what sticks. Tell him to email you and only communicate about the kids. Limited contact. That helped me deal when my axb was flapping and quacking. He's looking for a fight and trying to wear you down, hence all the nonsense about Christmas plans (what? It's not even Easter yet. Quack quack quack), etc.

PAINLESS66

I too lost the love of my life to my lies and drug usage but Im finding myself more and more daily and Im working hard fixing all that was damaged inside me. I have hopes that my lady will see my transformation and see that im the man she fell in love with that made a tragic mistake and started using. Im human and I made a mistake. but i learn from my mistakes and its very rare i repeat the same mistake twice while clean. its hard work but worth it every step of the way. I lost her trust which time will bring back because i know what I have to do to gain trust. JUST NOT LIE. Its very simple. tell the truth wether its gunna make her mad or glad. the truth will set u free... i know she loves and misses me because she tells me from time to time. she gave all of her to me... thats something ive wanted all my life and want even more now but i have to give her space and time. i know im doing amazing... i love myself again... thats a huge step for my recovery. your man has to want you more then anything and always keep you and all your cares first before himself. he has to be selfless... i know all about that now and boy does it hurt at times... best of luck...

Chelsea1029

Thank you all...I really do need to say no and limit contact as much as possible then I won't put myself in that situation. When I engage in his garbage gives it meaning somehow and when I ignore it disappears quickly, if that makes sense. Just need to keep practicing I suppose.

Recovering2

As long as you pick up the other end of the rope, he will play tug of war. When he starts in on his crap, tell yourself "I will not pick up my end of this rope"! That simple trick worked for me in the early days.
It's up to you to set boundaries, he's not going to stop. Don't let him come into your home, communicate by email when necessary because of kids. Keep your contact to the bare minimum. Know that this will make him angry at first, but that's okay. Just because he gets mad, does't mean you need to react. Don't pick up the rope!

iamthird

I get sucked in too at times because of our daughter and the only thing that helps is no contact. He has work number in case of emergency and my email which comes to my phone, but I block his cell because Ill engage.

We all fall down. Just keep getting back up and before you know it, you wont even want to engage anymore...