A breakthrough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
A breakthrough?
Hello SR friends-
I've started a new thread because the other one is so long. After much deceit, my AH moved out almost 6 weeks ago. He moved out before I could get the chance to ask him to leave. He had pawned things from our home for crack and I hadn't seem money for bills in quite some time although he seemed to be working a lot.
Long story short: he tried every trick in the book to weasel his way back in but I refused. The house has been so peaceful. I know he is still getting high: on at least was as of Thursday. So i won't even let him come to visit the kids right now.
Yesterday, I arrived home to no computer
(my computer) and no tv (his tv) and multiple other things missing from the house. The computer is mine, he already has one and has no need to take mine, other than to hock it or just to be mean.
I called him and he launched into a rant about how I have everything and he has nothing and how he's spend 5 years of his life building things up and now he has nothing and he's gonna take half of everything... We don't really have anything except a broken down truck and a 14 year old minivan. He's spent the majority of the last 5 years unemployed. He owes so many taxes that we can't file as married or they will take my return too. He has a right to ask for anything? I reminded him that when he went on a binge and hocked our stuff and then blamed me and then left, he forfeited any "stuff" that he's taking credit for acquiring.
The conversation ended with him apologizing and informing me this the has moved into a place of his own because as recommended by his therapist. His mother is an enabler and she will pay his bills and buy his groceries and tell him that all of the 12 step programs are BS. So I see this as the first real positive step he has ever made, ever. He has never been responsible for himself, ever. My question is- what contact, support, responses should I give him at this time where he may be beginning "real recovery" and just working on living sober every day?
I've started a new thread because the other one is so long. After much deceit, my AH moved out almost 6 weeks ago. He moved out before I could get the chance to ask him to leave. He had pawned things from our home for crack and I hadn't seem money for bills in quite some time although he seemed to be working a lot.
Long story short: he tried every trick in the book to weasel his way back in but I refused. The house has been so peaceful. I know he is still getting high: on at least was as of Thursday. So i won't even let him come to visit the kids right now.
Yesterday, I arrived home to no computer
(my computer) and no tv (his tv) and multiple other things missing from the house. The computer is mine, he already has one and has no need to take mine, other than to hock it or just to be mean.
I called him and he launched into a rant about how I have everything and he has nothing and how he's spend 5 years of his life building things up and now he has nothing and he's gonna take half of everything... We don't really have anything except a broken down truck and a 14 year old minivan. He's spent the majority of the last 5 years unemployed. He owes so many taxes that we can't file as married or they will take my return too. He has a right to ask for anything? I reminded him that when he went on a binge and hocked our stuff and then blamed me and then left, he forfeited any "stuff" that he's taking credit for acquiring.
The conversation ended with him apologizing and informing me this the has moved into a place of his own because as recommended by his therapist. His mother is an enabler and she will pay his bills and buy his groceries and tell him that all of the 12 step programs are BS. So I see this as the first real positive step he has ever made, ever. He has never been responsible for himself, ever. My question is- what contact, support, responses should I give him at this time where he may be beginning "real recovery" and just working on living sober every day?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Fitchicky,
If he's gonna do it, he has to do it on his own . I guess you can be kind, and wish him well, but other than that, I would look out for my belongings and protect myself and my children. If he is still getting high, he is not in real recovery.
I hope he gets well, but taking your things is a big no no. Don't accept that behavior as normal, or that he is outfitting his new place. protect yourself and your things.
take care.
If he's gonna do it, he has to do it on his own . I guess you can be kind, and wish him well, but other than that, I would look out for my belongings and protect myself and my children. If he is still getting high, he is not in real recovery.
I hope he gets well, but taking your things is a big no no. Don't accept that behavior as normal, or that he is outfitting his new place. protect yourself and your things.
take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if he is stealing your computer, I don't think he is working on anything except getting $$ for his habit. I think your best option might be to change the locks before he does this again.
you saw him on Thursday, saw he was high, Friday he broke into the house to steal things and now he gives you BS about his therapist...you don't know what is truth and what is fabrication. he could be lying about therapy, mama and where he lives.
I wouldn't speak with him or let your kids near him, he sounds very unstable. I'm sorry I have no other experience that can help you, but someone will be along soon to give you some better insight.
you saw him on Thursday, saw he was high, Friday he broke into the house to steal things and now he gives you BS about his therapist...you don't know what is truth and what is fabrication. he could be lying about therapy, mama and where he lives.
I wouldn't speak with him or let your kids near him, he sounds very unstable. I'm sorry I have no other experience that can help you, but someone will be along soon to give you some better insight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
His excuse is that he gave into me (for Christmas 2 years ago) and he is taking it back. I has all of my personal info and work projects on it. I don't know about anything right now and I believe also that he is very unstable:/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if it has all of your personal info on it, cancel the accounts NOW. if he hocked it and someone buys it without the hard drive being wiped clean, they can steal your information too. what a flocking nightmare. Do you have any chance of taking it back before he gets any further?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that calling the police might at least make him tell you where it is or give it back. Sadly, the odds are that you will never see it again and need to get a new computer and protect it with passwords and codes and lock it up safely when you aren't using it. Protecting our valuables is one of the first hard lessons we learn here, and changing the locks would be a good start...so would installing an alarm system.
My son stole from us several times and my one regret is that I never charged him with theft. If I had done that the first time it would have sent a message that I meant to protect myself and my valuables and he maybe would have stopped.
You are in an emotional time right now, he is still actively using so you cannot depend on him telling you the truth about anything. Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your home.
Hugs
My son stole from us several times and my one regret is that I never charged him with theft. If I had done that the first time it would have sent a message that I meant to protect myself and my valuables and he maybe would have stopped.
You are in an emotional time right now, he is still actively using so you cannot depend on him telling you the truth about anything. Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your home.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It sounds like he is saying one thing - but doing another. Taking "his" things??
It would be a good move for him to move out on his own but how do you know this isn't just hot air? How can he possibly afford to move out on his own... if he needs you to buy him groceries?? Actions speak louder than words.
He may have just been seeing how you respond to him saying that. Maybe trying to make you jealous. Seeing how willing you are to actually let him go??
If I were you I would change the locks... lock the windows tightly... and protect everything. Anything that wasn't nailed down my husband sold. He would have sold the house if we weren't renting.
Also, be kind to yourself. NONE of this is your fault.
It would be a good move for him to move out on his own but how do you know this isn't just hot air? How can he possibly afford to move out on his own... if he needs you to buy him groceries?? Actions speak louder than words.
He may have just been seeing how you respond to him saying that. Maybe trying to make you jealous. Seeing how willing you are to actually let him go??
If I were you I would change the locks... lock the windows tightly... and protect everything. Anything that wasn't nailed down my husband sold. He would have sold the house if we weren't renting.
Also, be kind to yourself. NONE of this is your fault.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The only positive I can see is for YOU. Call the police AND get a restraining order. Based on what you have shared, your husband is very dangerous.
What are you doing for YOU?
Ps. Not to offend you.....but his mother is not his only enable. (From one enabler to another)
What are you doing for YOU?
Ps. Not to offend you.....but his mother is not his only enable. (From one enabler to another)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
My advice is to move, if you can. Don't give him your contact information or tell him where you have gone. If moving isn't an option, then you MUST get a home security system and change the locks. Communicate your issues to the police and tell you neighbors to look out for suspicious activity. I am in the same boat - everything that is here is mine, every bill is in my name, and I found this home - but I must leave. If you can move, move. There is no excuse for someone to take things unbeknownst to you. NONE. I don't give a damn if he bought the computer with the last check at his last job and the money his grandma left him. He's pawning your personal information to get high, and that is WRONG.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he broke into the house, uninvited, STOLE from you and yet you overlook that because he SAID he was moving out of mommy's - but she'll still pay for everything - that this is a positive sign and how can you help?????
that computer is going straight for drugs....and all your personal information is soon if not already in the hands of people who will cheerfully exploit that information - where you live, your bank accounts, your passwords, and you stand a very good chance of being wiped out financially...and quite possibly a victim of further crimes.
that computer is going straight for drugs....and all your personal information is soon if not already in the hands of people who will cheerfully exploit that information - where you live, your bank accounts, your passwords, and you stand a very good chance of being wiped out financially...and quite possibly a victim of further crimes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Hello All-
Well I don't know about his breakthrough but mine has happened although hard to swallow sometimes. After taking my computer and the rest of his own belongings on Friday, he had his mother bring the computer back on Saturday.
He later sent me a text as asked me to call him. I did so after I got the kids settled. I guess this is part of the mind games, but he grumbled a few things on the phone and said he was too tired to talk and wanted to hang up. I got angry and asked him if this was just another game and he then started saying again that he knows that I'm sleeping with someone, blah blah....
Then he hung up. I called back(not quite sure why) and his mother said he went out. So, he's too tired to talk to me on the phone after asking me to call but he can go out at 10 at night. His mother and I had a very confrontational conversation. She refuses to see that he's using although she knows that he is. She says se just doesn't want to think or talk about it. I told her that ignoring it is only going to hurt him! What is this? Ignoring it but you know it's going on business? Really?
I sent him one last message some of it nice and some of it not so nice- telling him that when he is sober and committed to it and has a plan to stay that way, he can email me or call me at home and maybe we can talk. I blocked his number on my cell so he can no longer text at all or call me impulsively. I changed the locks on the doors. And that's that....
Well I don't know about his breakthrough but mine has happened although hard to swallow sometimes. After taking my computer and the rest of his own belongings on Friday, he had his mother bring the computer back on Saturday.
He later sent me a text as asked me to call him. I did so after I got the kids settled. I guess this is part of the mind games, but he grumbled a few things on the phone and said he was too tired to talk and wanted to hang up. I got angry and asked him if this was just another game and he then started saying again that he knows that I'm sleeping with someone, blah blah....
Then he hung up. I called back(not quite sure why) and his mother said he went out. So, he's too tired to talk to me on the phone after asking me to call but he can go out at 10 at night. His mother and I had a very confrontational conversation. She refuses to see that he's using although she knows that he is. She says se just doesn't want to think or talk about it. I told her that ignoring it is only going to hurt him! What is this? Ignoring it but you know it's going on business? Really?
I sent him one last message some of it nice and some of it not so nice- telling him that when he is sober and committed to it and has a plan to stay that way, he can email me or call me at home and maybe we can talk. I blocked his number on my cell so he can no longer text at all or call me impulsively. I changed the locks on the doors. And that's that....
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