I guess trauma brings on missing
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I guess trauma brings on missing
I am so confused lately. I miss my ex more, not less. I think it is that old word....trauma. When I stand back, the ensuing time following my leaving her has been perhaps the most traumatic ever in my life. Her showing up, calling 911, and the fear of her returning with a gun seems like no big deal now. Though I fear it a bit still. I have adopted the phrase 'when it rains it pours'. A heavy downpour. While my relationship with my parents has always been rocky, they have always been 'there'. They are like an immovable rock, never drinking, always fiscally responsible. Almost like there was no room for error. And I learned that I am the immovable rock to them - suddenly, I was reminded by my mother that my father is 'useless' and incompetent, so as usual, I stepped up to the plate and handled all things medical and legal after they were in an auto related accident that left my mom in a wheelchair for the timebeing. My dad scraped by without a broken leg after all. My mom will not need surgery.
Last week, I drove myself to the emergency room. I thought I had my usual stomach cramps from severe anxiety, but nope - appendicitis. I had surgery in a matter of hours, and have 3 bullet hole looking things in my abdomen to show for it.
Why is it that I miss my ex so much now. I remember walking through the hospital hallway because the nurse told me to, all doped up on dilaudid and morphine. Thinking I am so lucky my ex is not here for this, because she'd be drinking and simultaneously freaking out trying to be a nurse since that's what she is. I suppose those are the two torturous sides to this coin. Those potentials are so easy to see, and focus on. But the reality is the recovery time. I'm what, 8 days post surgery? That's getting to be half the length of the longest stretch my ex never drank in 17 years, and she's 32. I'm finally off all the pain meds, and can take walks, get my mail. And I did it all on my own. That feels good. I walked into the ER alone. I was alone for the surgery.
While they were starting my IV line in the ER, EMT's brought in a girl with alcohol poisoning. They kept saying 'we can't help you if you don't tell us what you drank tonight'. She looked a lot like my ex, beautiful, same kind of hair, same slight build. She was all contorted, moaning. It was just terrible, and familiar. It probably would have been harder if the nurse hadn't just given me a dilaudid injection. But so unforgettable. I probably had nights like that with my ex in my future had I stayed with her.
Yet I miss her so much. Sometimes it feels like it's not getting easier. Those messages 'she was the one' are still being sent to every neuron in my brain. But maybe it's just the shock of having surgery...It's confusing. I needed somewhere to admit that I miss her like crazy, despite all the bad things. Don't worry. I'm not doing anything about the missing. No contact is the deal. Just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.
Last week, I drove myself to the emergency room. I thought I had my usual stomach cramps from severe anxiety, but nope - appendicitis. I had surgery in a matter of hours, and have 3 bullet hole looking things in my abdomen to show for it.
Why is it that I miss my ex so much now. I remember walking through the hospital hallway because the nurse told me to, all doped up on dilaudid and morphine. Thinking I am so lucky my ex is not here for this, because she'd be drinking and simultaneously freaking out trying to be a nurse since that's what she is. I suppose those are the two torturous sides to this coin. Those potentials are so easy to see, and focus on. But the reality is the recovery time. I'm what, 8 days post surgery? That's getting to be half the length of the longest stretch my ex never drank in 17 years, and she's 32. I'm finally off all the pain meds, and can take walks, get my mail. And I did it all on my own. That feels good. I walked into the ER alone. I was alone for the surgery.
While they were starting my IV line in the ER, EMT's brought in a girl with alcohol poisoning. They kept saying 'we can't help you if you don't tell us what you drank tonight'. She looked a lot like my ex, beautiful, same kind of hair, same slight build. She was all contorted, moaning. It was just terrible, and familiar. It probably would have been harder if the nurse hadn't just given me a dilaudid injection. But so unforgettable. I probably had nights like that with my ex in my future had I stayed with her.
Yet I miss her so much. Sometimes it feels like it's not getting easier. Those messages 'she was the one' are still being sent to every neuron in my brain. But maybe it's just the shock of having surgery...It's confusing. I needed somewhere to admit that I miss her like crazy, despite all the bad things. Don't worry. I'm not doing anything about the missing. No contact is the deal. Just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.
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reading your post made my heart ache. I remember that time in my life with my xah. the only way through it was to push. sometimes, just breathing was difficult. each breath seemed to take forever. the emotional hurt was indescribable. huge. all consuming. the hurt in my chest and throat would not go away. during our frequent seperations, selective memory would kick in for me and intensify the agony of it all. after reconciling, it would only take hours for the reality to hit. the enormity of the addiction, the behaviors, the insanity. always there......just waiting to reclaim. i understand now that i just had to push through it. without him. to save myself. very painful. but the rewards are there, just waiting for you. i had to go through the fire many times before i made it through. the grieving was immense. sometimes, i thought that if he had just died, it would have been so much easier. which he did this past jan. there are better days ahead, just hang in.
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I think you hit the key words- shock and trauma. You have had yet another shock-trauma happen in your life recently with the emergency surgery. You had a traumatic ending to your relationship, you had another shock-trauma happen with your parents getting into an accident. Often when we go into shock-trauma we go into survival mode and emotions go numb so we can do what we need to do in order to survive.
Once we get beyond the trauma our feelings stop being numb and we begin to feel again. After shocks and they come on quickly and often right out of the blue. We need to allow ourselves to feel what we feel and go through it. Understanding its all normal and we can't rush it or we shouldn't.
Hang in there, feel better!!
Once we get beyond the trauma our feelings stop being numb and we begin to feel again. After shocks and they come on quickly and often right out of the blue. We need to allow ourselves to feel what we feel and go through it. Understanding its all normal and we can't rush it or we shouldn't.
Hang in there, feel better!!
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 
sometimes, just breathing was difficult. each breath seemed to take forever. the emotional hurt was indescribable. huge. all consuming. the hurt in my chest and throat would not go away.
It makes sense atalose. Thank you. It didn't make sense, but it is very logical. We do what we can when there is trauma, and numbness is sometimes all we can have. I suppose this is what my therapist means when she uses the term 'flooding' - when the feelings come rushing back.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Hey Blake, gee - you still got a lot on your plate hmm?!
Thing that came to my mind when I read your post:
If she was the great girl who deserved to be missed, you would not suffer through all this. Maybe you don't miss her, but you want your old, trauma free life - dreams of a happy future included – back?
Having crazy in our life is like tornado in retirement – you think you have built a good life on healthy foundations for yourself, and then suddenly it’s all gone.
Maybe not only in the physical, but also in the psychological, when we start questioning and analyzing our personal relationships and families of origin, but also ourselves, our decisions and our perceptions.
Meeting crazy was like having a bulldozer drive through my life while it was raining question marks.
Appendix surgery sucks, but it’s a one way street. Once gone, always gone, heals pretty fast and scar shouldn’t be too bad.
Unfortunately getting rid of crazy isn’t like appendix surgery, but you are doing a great job to heal and keep the scars minimal.
Speedy recovery for you.
Thing that came to my mind when I read your post:
If she was the great girl who deserved to be missed, you would not suffer through all this. Maybe you don't miss her, but you want your old, trauma free life - dreams of a happy future included – back?
Having crazy in our life is like tornado in retirement – you think you have built a good life on healthy foundations for yourself, and then suddenly it’s all gone.
Maybe not only in the physical, but also in the psychological, when we start questioning and analyzing our personal relationships and families of origin, but also ourselves, our decisions and our perceptions.
Meeting crazy was like having a bulldozer drive through my life while it was raining question marks.
Appendix surgery sucks, but it’s a one way street. Once gone, always gone, heals pretty fast and scar shouldn’t be too bad.
Unfortunately getting rid of crazy isn’t like appendix surgery, but you are doing a great job to heal and keep the scars minimal.
Speedy recovery for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
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Blake I can relate so much to this "I miss my ex more, not less...Sometimes it feels like it's not getting easier. Those messages 'she was the one' are still being sent to every neuron in my brain...I miss her like crazy, despite all the bad things. "
Its really strange, because I absolutely feel the same about my ex. I don't know why. I keep thinking I should have been over him by now. As time goes on, it hurts me more, not less. I miss him more, not less. Yeah, I cry less, of course. The moments where I stand there frozen and numb staring out the window, those are occurring less. And sometimes I laugh, and smile, and go about my life at peace, doing just fine. But there are still moments where it hits me, and I end up in deep belly wracking sobs, face in my hands. I think, he was it for me, he was my one true love, the one I was going to marry. I loved him so much. I love him so much. The way in that movie...When Harry Met Sally, Harry says, When you meet the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" or however it goes. That was him, that is how we were. There won't ever be anyone who will compare, right? Connect with me so well. Not even the hot dryer delivery guy. Then I am like Wtf am I crazy...he HURT me. Permanently injured me. He terrorized me. But wait, we wanted all the same things, same goals, we loved all the same stuff, enjoyed doing everything together. I feel like...he ruined me for any other man because no man could fit me so well. Then...I think...well...but did he? I think he did...no wait, maybe I am just telling myself that. Um...is that my own issue coming out, or were we really so good together? Even that sounds bad, since it was chaos and a rollercoaster and I was tiptoeing every day counting seconds until the next explosion..so, what was good about it again? Was any of that real? It is confusing. Was he faking it, mirroring me to reel me in so I would support him? Honestly, I have no idea. I go back and forth, all over the place. Its exhausting trying to figure it out. What I am sure of...I feel empty and dead inside now. As if I used up all the love I had in me, because I loved him so much, and I gave so much of myself, just like you did, Blake, that its just all used up and I am just full of cobwebs and dust now. Yeah, I miss him like crazy, and when I try to think just what is it that I miss...like, what moment...what characteristic, what bit that made him special, made him my one and only, its like a mishmash of images hit me super fast, all contrasting and opposites. His smile that I loved....but then I remember that ****** other smile, the one he used as he said hateful things during his rants, his twinkly brown eyes, wait that would be his crazy dead eyes when he was in a rage, I swear they would turn black and empty, his laugh when I said something funny...no wait, that would be that ****** laugh when he said something really really crappy and would laugh...be the only one to laugh while the rest of us just stood there hurt, his strength as he pounded nails in the barn wall....him punching holes in the wall of the hallway, etc. Its all him. One guy. He always told me that he acted like that, he went nuts and raged, when he started having anxiety worrying and doubting...about me. Because it was ME, and he loved me so much. That sits there festering in my head. Does that happen to anyone else? (BTW I am not trying to turn this into a post about me, I just can relate so well to what you said) All that time he told me he would lose it and freak out because he loved me so much, the thought that I could be a liar, or whatever, would make him fall apart. Yes, that is blaming me for his problems, I know. But I would call that anxiety and mental illness also when the anxiety and paranoia make a person unable to function...and when it comes to wedding vows we say in sickness and in health, so what is a person supposed to do when their fiance is ******* crazy with anxiety and at least one major personality disorder? If it was cancer, you get them to a dr. If its borderline, or bipolar, you get them to a dr, IF they will go. I couldn't drag him there by the hair, he was built like an ox. If they won't go...and their problems become dangerously unmanageable, you step out of the game and give up. I had no choice. I had to boot him out. He refused to get help. I know he is sick, I was incapable of handling it. In my bleak moments, where I am missing him so badly, I wonder...if he HAD gotten meds, and counseling, and gotten sober, would he have been my sweet guy that I fit so well with? Would it have worked out, would we have ended up an old couple in 40 years sitting in matching rockers on the deck watching the sunset over the water? What about Blake's girl? IF she had gotten a million years of therapy (I believe he said she had done that) and gotten sober, and gotten on meds....and then I stop myself. I am 100% against what ifs. They are not allowed in my house. As I keep saying...the hows and the whys of it all, trying to figure it out, its just pointless. I just have to stuff it away and force myself forward. I hate it. Its sucking the life out of me. I put one foot in front of the other each day. I go through the motions in the hopes that one day I won't be faking it. And some days I am not. Some days I am ok, just fine. But other days its so hard. So unbearably hard. And confusing. Honestly...yep I think it would have been easier if my ex had just died.
Sorry if I jacked your post. I am so glad you made it through the surgery ok. Maybe things will calm down. Bad things always seem to come in threes, so maybe your three are all finished and you can relax.
Its really strange, because I absolutely feel the same about my ex. I don't know why. I keep thinking I should have been over him by now. As time goes on, it hurts me more, not less. I miss him more, not less. Yeah, I cry less, of course. The moments where I stand there frozen and numb staring out the window, those are occurring less. And sometimes I laugh, and smile, and go about my life at peace, doing just fine. But there are still moments where it hits me, and I end up in deep belly wracking sobs, face in my hands. I think, he was it for me, he was my one true love, the one I was going to marry. I loved him so much. I love him so much. The way in that movie...When Harry Met Sally, Harry says, When you meet the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" or however it goes. That was him, that is how we were. There won't ever be anyone who will compare, right? Connect with me so well. Not even the hot dryer delivery guy. Then I am like Wtf am I crazy...he HURT me. Permanently injured me. He terrorized me. But wait, we wanted all the same things, same goals, we loved all the same stuff, enjoyed doing everything together. I feel like...he ruined me for any other man because no man could fit me so well. Then...I think...well...but did he? I think he did...no wait, maybe I am just telling myself that. Um...is that my own issue coming out, or were we really so good together? Even that sounds bad, since it was chaos and a rollercoaster and I was tiptoeing every day counting seconds until the next explosion..so, what was good about it again? Was any of that real? It is confusing. Was he faking it, mirroring me to reel me in so I would support him? Honestly, I have no idea. I go back and forth, all over the place. Its exhausting trying to figure it out. What I am sure of...I feel empty and dead inside now. As if I used up all the love I had in me, because I loved him so much, and I gave so much of myself, just like you did, Blake, that its just all used up and I am just full of cobwebs and dust now. Yeah, I miss him like crazy, and when I try to think just what is it that I miss...like, what moment...what characteristic, what bit that made him special, made him my one and only, its like a mishmash of images hit me super fast, all contrasting and opposites. His smile that I loved....but then I remember that ****** other smile, the one he used as he said hateful things during his rants, his twinkly brown eyes, wait that would be his crazy dead eyes when he was in a rage, I swear they would turn black and empty, his laugh when I said something funny...no wait, that would be that ****** laugh when he said something really really crappy and would laugh...be the only one to laugh while the rest of us just stood there hurt, his strength as he pounded nails in the barn wall....him punching holes in the wall of the hallway, etc. Its all him. One guy. He always told me that he acted like that, he went nuts and raged, when he started having anxiety worrying and doubting...about me. Because it was ME, and he loved me so much. That sits there festering in my head. Does that happen to anyone else? (BTW I am not trying to turn this into a post about me, I just can relate so well to what you said) All that time he told me he would lose it and freak out because he loved me so much, the thought that I could be a liar, or whatever, would make him fall apart. Yes, that is blaming me for his problems, I know. But I would call that anxiety and mental illness also when the anxiety and paranoia make a person unable to function...and when it comes to wedding vows we say in sickness and in health, so what is a person supposed to do when their fiance is ******* crazy with anxiety and at least one major personality disorder? If it was cancer, you get them to a dr. If its borderline, or bipolar, you get them to a dr, IF they will go. I couldn't drag him there by the hair, he was built like an ox. If they won't go...and their problems become dangerously unmanageable, you step out of the game and give up. I had no choice. I had to boot him out. He refused to get help. I know he is sick, I was incapable of handling it. In my bleak moments, where I am missing him so badly, I wonder...if he HAD gotten meds, and counseling, and gotten sober, would he have been my sweet guy that I fit so well with? Would it have worked out, would we have ended up an old couple in 40 years sitting in matching rockers on the deck watching the sunset over the water? What about Blake's girl? IF she had gotten a million years of therapy (I believe he said she had done that) and gotten sober, and gotten on meds....and then I stop myself. I am 100% against what ifs. They are not allowed in my house. As I keep saying...the hows and the whys of it all, trying to figure it out, its just pointless. I just have to stuff it away and force myself forward. I hate it. Its sucking the life out of me. I put one foot in front of the other each day. I go through the motions in the hopes that one day I won't be faking it. And some days I am not. Some days I am ok, just fine. But other days its so hard. So unbearably hard. And confusing. Honestly...yep I think it would have been easier if my ex had just died.
Sorry if I jacked your post. I am so glad you made it through the surgery ok. Maybe things will calm down. Bad things always seem to come in threes, so maybe your three are all finished and you can relax.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Blake,
I have been split up from my XA for over 2 years now with the previous 4 years peppered with insane states of complete and utter chaos with slivers of sobriety and recovery inserted at times to keep me attached at the hip (0r out of jail).
The chemical dumps of my brain that thoughts of him used to bring were the catalysts for the "floods" of emotion that brought overwhelming pain, anxiety and the complete inability to leave him and save myself.
When the pain becomes too much we do make the break but the longing for our poison is like the A obsessing over a drink... I wanted my "mood altering man" smothering with me with attention and kisses and telling me all of his promises that were like vapors and mist on the wind. And my brain and body tortured me continuously to give it what it wanted: HIM!
The good news is...no the great news is... that I did reach a state of sanity and of indifference and it was not "love" but it was chemicals. Now we had chemistry... serious chemistry... and I care about this guy but not for the reasons that I love others. He was never the man of character, integrity, honor, fidelity, generosity, kindness and selflessness that I would look up to and respect but he was the man who sends rushing waves of attraction and codie signals to my brain.
Today... we are friends but I see his character defects with my "new pair of glasses" and there are no floods of these crazy feelings that were just insane! I see guys like him all the time now in my new life...suave, handsome, charismatic with a drink in their hand... the life of the party and Mr. Charming. In the olden days they would have been like a bee to honey but I have zero attraction to that now... less than zero.
So... unchain your brain... keep changing your thoughts to stop the cycle. She comes to mind and change your thoughts...do it a million times if necessary! The chemical process has to be arrested by our conscious decision to unchain ourselves physically and mentally from toxic people.
By the way... I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life! Single by choice, surrounded by loving friends and family in healthy relationships!
So... keep on keeping on because the day will come that you will realize that you haven't thought about her for days! Its a wonderful feeling....
I have been split up from my XA for over 2 years now with the previous 4 years peppered with insane states of complete and utter chaos with slivers of sobriety and recovery inserted at times to keep me attached at the hip (0r out of jail).
The chemical dumps of my brain that thoughts of him used to bring were the catalysts for the "floods" of emotion that brought overwhelming pain, anxiety and the complete inability to leave him and save myself.
When the pain becomes too much we do make the break but the longing for our poison is like the A obsessing over a drink... I wanted my "mood altering man" smothering with me with attention and kisses and telling me all of his promises that were like vapors and mist on the wind. And my brain and body tortured me continuously to give it what it wanted: HIM!
The good news is...no the great news is... that I did reach a state of sanity and of indifference and it was not "love" but it was chemicals. Now we had chemistry... serious chemistry... and I care about this guy but not for the reasons that I love others. He was never the man of character, integrity, honor, fidelity, generosity, kindness and selflessness that I would look up to and respect but he was the man who sends rushing waves of attraction and codie signals to my brain.
Today... we are friends but I see his character defects with my "new pair of glasses" and there are no floods of these crazy feelings that were just insane! I see guys like him all the time now in my new life...suave, handsome, charismatic with a drink in their hand... the life of the party and Mr. Charming. In the olden days they would have been like a bee to honey but I have zero attraction to that now... less than zero.
So... unchain your brain... keep changing your thoughts to stop the cycle. She comes to mind and change your thoughts...do it a million times if necessary! The chemical process has to be arrested by our conscious decision to unchain ourselves physically and mentally from toxic people.
By the way... I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life! Single by choice, surrounded by loving friends and family in healthy relationships!
So... keep on keeping on because the day will come that you will realize that you haven't thought about her for days! Its a wonderful feeling....
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Oh my! I'm sorry to hear about your emergency appendectomy, blake! I'm glad that you are OK.
I think at moments when we are going through some sort of scary event, it's natural to want the comfort of a special person in our lives. Just remember that the particular person you are missing in your life also sent you to the doctor and the hospital merely from symptoms of stress and anxiety.
Those neurons that you describe? Sounds like you are still feeling your own kind of PAWS symptoms because she was your drug in a way. I hope you can just keep doing the next right thing, blake! You deserve peace and joy.
I think at moments when we are going through some sort of scary event, it's natural to want the comfort of a special person in our lives. Just remember that the particular person you are missing in your life also sent you to the doctor and the hospital merely from symptoms of stress and anxiety.
Those neurons that you describe? Sounds like you are still feeling your own kind of PAWS symptoms because she was your drug in a way. I hope you can just keep doing the next right thing, blake! You deserve peace and joy.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
One thing I realized along the way was that missing my x didn't change a thing, all the recycles ended up in the same exact place, me traumatized, him still a lunatic.
I'm sorry you are hurting, keep healing, so much has transpired for you.
You are in my thoughts. Katie xo
I'm sorry you are hurting, keep healing, so much has transpired for you.
You are in my thoughts. Katie xo
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
It took me years to get over one of my exes. I still look back (rarely) and romanticize the passionate/obsessive/codependent feelings of old. Was he the one? Absolutely. For that time in my life. I have a different The One now for this part of my life and perhaps for the rest of it. He loves me in a way that ex never was capable of.
There are too many amazing people out there to limit myself to thinking that only one of them has the magical qualities I need to love them. Life can't be so cruel to only give us one person amongst the billions, especially if they don't love us back in a healthy way - love is a verb, not a noun. A saying of mine from my twenties was - you always think about the last one until the next one comes along. Give yourself time and when you're ready, get out there and meet some girls who are healthy-minded and happy with themselves and I bet you'll find an even greater love, a more balanced one. You deserve it!
There are too many amazing people out there to limit myself to thinking that only one of them has the magical qualities I need to love them. Life can't be so cruel to only give us one person amongst the billions, especially if they don't love us back in a healthy way - love is a verb, not a noun. A saying of mine from my twenties was - you always think about the last one until the next one comes along. Give yourself time and when you're ready, get out there and meet some girls who are healthy-minded and happy with themselves and I bet you'll find an even greater love, a more balanced one. You deserve it!
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