Berrybean

Hmmm. I knew that this would be the case.

Basically I've been AF for 5 weeks and 2 days now, but last weekend was suddenly as hard as the first weekend, maybe harder. The typical HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired) stuff, but esp the Lonely part. I decided to drag my sorry butt to AA. Went on Monday lunchtime, and again on Thursday. I didn't tell my partner as he's still drinking, doesn't see a major problem with it, and as far as he's concerned I'm just 'stopped drinking' now. When I'm struggling he's still in the pub or too drunk to notice, def not worth talking to him at that point, so I suppose he would think it was all fine. Anyway - tonight I told him that I'm going to go to a group tomorrow so I can talk to others about how they did / do it. Still haven't mentioned 'AA' as such. "You don't need to go to an alcohol group - you've stopped drinking!" was his response. I just rolled my eyes at him and sighed. "Well as long as you don't start preaching at ME" was his next response. I'm not sure he's gonna 'get' this whatever I say.

He's gone off to the pub now promising to be back by a certain time. Ha bloody ha!! We'll see.

I AM going to continue the meetings as they've been really helpful in getting the monkey off my shoulder and stopping the insanity. To be honest, a lot of the insanity of the last 25 years is only just coming into focus for me now, and I think that I really need those twelve steps to help me climb out of the hole I dug for myself. He's just going to have to like it or lump it. Like me and his continuing drinking I suppose.

Anyway - sorry about that. Needed to get it off my chest.

I'll shut up now.

PurpleKnight

As your partner doesn't understand your addiction in the same way you do, I'd disregard his advice to not seek support!! . . . how would he know what you need or don't need, if he doesn't have the same perspective?!!

You need to do what you need to do, support is a big part of remaining Sober!!

Berrybean

That's what I think. He can't understand. It's not his fault, but he's going to have to accept it. Just didn't want to keep it secret, but I did expect that kind of reaction from him. He's a VERY private person, and would never want to seek support in the same way himself.

suki44883

Unfortunately, that is often the case. They don't care for the idea of you getting support and quitting for good because it forces them to look at their own drinking habits. It's pretty common.

littlefish

I wanted my husband to support me, but he didn't at first. In the very beginning, he tried to sabotage my sobriety. It was mostly due to lack of knowledge about alcoholism. Now he is very supportive and even asks me why I am not going to a meeting if I am missing one I usually go to.
I didn't understand very much about alcoholism, and I am an alcoholic. Other people understand even less.
I don't think most people "get it", but I stopped caring if they do or not. I do my thing, maintain my sobriety and follow my vision.

least

Congrats on five weeks sober!

Suki is right. Often people don't want to support us in our sobriety cause it makes them look at their own drinking. Ignore him and just stay sober any way you can.

Berrybean

At least I've told him - last weekend i was so cross with him after he deserted me to go off with a group of other people til 2am when we'd planned a night together that I couldn't even contemplate it.

yeahgr8

If you met your partner when you were drinking and that was something you had in common why would he be pleased or supportive of you removing that from the relationship and leaving him on his lonesome? The best case scenario in a lot if these situations is indifference so sounds like you are the lucky one, most times it is a case that the partner actively sabotages the others recovery for the reasons above.

You are solo on this one and are going to have to put yourself first.

KateL

Never shut up XXXXXX

Berrybean

Oh I think generally he IS supporting. It's just groups (ANY kind of group) that he is suspicious of. They're completely outside his comfort zone, so they obviously shouldn't exist. He'd be the same if I said I was going to a nightclub or a theme park.

We've been together for just over 23 years (since I was 18 and he was in his mid twenties) Our lives have revolved around (decent) local pubs, and the friends we have made there. Since I've started my AF journey, he has questioned his own drinking, and had said he wishes he could cut down. At the moment he can't see past the big scary void that will be left if he stops. I know that feeling all too well. At least if I'm not drinking all the horrible drunken arguments can stop, and we're not encouraging each other to drink all the time. After all those years that's possibly enough of a change for now. We're supposed to be moving to a neighbouring city soon (where the pubs aren't a nice), and we will still be coming back here at weekends (him for the pub, and me for AA and the gym and my friends), but it could be just the right time for a shakeup I think.

yeahgr8

Sounds a lot better than I guessed then:-)

I've got a guy I'm helping in AA at the moment, we are going through the steps. I've told him your significant others are watching you to see what you do do if you want to help them and love then then you will change because if they can assign benefit to what you are doing and how it is affecting you they may follow suit but if you want to try and get them to make a change just on good advice that may be as successful as flogging a dead horse.

In AA! If you want to change, you want to get a sponsor to work the steps with, one who has worked the steps themselves, had a drastic personality change and recovered from alcohol.

You are running this one and your actions of changing yourself will benefit all around you. Good luck with you journey:-)

Jeni26

Hello Beccybean.

You are exactly in the same position I was when I first quit. My H and I had always drunk together and we'd been married for 21 years at that point..I saw the insanity before he did. He carried on drinking for a few months after I stopped and started in AA. They were a tough couple of months.

My advice for you would be to totally focus on yourself. You may get some indifference or resentment from him...that will be his stuff to work out and nothing to do with you. My H tried to sabotage my sobriety by stocking up on drinks, inviting our old crowd over and offering me wine. It was tough going I will admit it.

What kept me sane was SR mostly. I leaned a lot on the support here. I continued to go to AA, and because I started to see things clearly for the first time, I think he felt threatened and afraid for our future.

None of us know what the future holds for us when we start out on sobriety with alcoholic partners. I think it doesn't do you any good to try and second guess it either.

Keep going...keep reaching out for support...keep faith that you are doing the right thing.

My H did eventually quit with me by the way. Anything is possible. Best wishes to you

Berrybean

Thanks - I've tried to stay as upbeat as possible throughout these 5 weeks (which obvs doesn't help OH to understand that it's been a struggle) and have noticed that amongst all the general shock; surprise; questioning; arguing against; and defensiveness in reaction to me quitting the booze, there has been a couple of people who have been encouraged to challenge their own drinking. Whether anything will come of it for them, who knows. But at least it's making the think that you CAN change it. I don't mind chatting about it one:one with them to a degree, but am cautious about entering into too much discussion as I'm still in such early days and want to focus on my own recovery (sorry if that sounds selfish, but one of the people is well known for being a 'taker' , and has infuriated me beyond believe with this in the past, and I don't want to balls this up), and don't want to be preachy or tell others what they should do. I'm trying to train myself to go out and socialise without booze and enjoy the experience sober, without sitting there thinking about alcohol all the time, so other people talking to me about it isn't really what I'm aiming for. lol.

Attending a new Saturday lunchtime AA session today that I'm hoping will become my main session of the week, and will have more female members. At the other group I attended there were no ladies that would be able to act as sponsors. I would like one though. It feels a bit like being an evacuee just arrived and waiting to be picked. lol.

ReadyAtLast

Hi Beccy and welcome.
My H drinks without a problem and our life was very much focused on drinking out and at home. When I quit he didn't sabotage me but was more surprised at me. He'd seen me quit many times before but it never lasted so he didn't think it would last this time. that was 16 months ago.

It raises a whole host of issues when we quit-they don't expect it to last,seen it all before, it makes them question their own drinking, takes away a common interest. It's a pretty fundamental change and many relationships don't survive it. Of course ,many do and change for the better. As others have said, all you can do is focus on what you need to do and your recovery.

Berrybean

Hi Jeni - thanks for the encouragement and sharing your experiences. It helps to know that I'm one of many going through this. I'm so glad it all worked out well for you and your husband.
My OH is quite a stubborn old stick, like his father. He's been doing lots of pushing it to the limits over the past month - I've felt he's trying to provoke me into nagging him about his drinking, but I have resisted it. (Even though it's a bit frustrating to be woken three times in one night by someone who can't find his dinner - because he already ate it and forgot about it!). I know I'm doing the right thing, and will continue quietly working on this.

One of his regrets about drinking so much (i.e. all) of his free time away is that he has no time left for his other interests. Once we've moved I'll encourage him by showing an interest in those things (computer programming; writing in some antique german script, learning german language, reading old philosophers - oh lord - maybe I'll leave him to the drinking - joke!!)

For now I'll focus on what I'M doing.

xx

FirstTimeAround

Talking of partners, my W is leaving with the kids and it coincides with me quitting drinking. I would get a bit unpleasant when drunk because I had disconnected over the prior two years or so, and I now cannot make that up, because she is so angry.
I read that partners used to be angry with us, can be angry that there is nothing to be angry about once the person has stopped.
Any thoughts on this ? I cannot talk to her, she is adamant it's time she left and got some space.

Berrybean

Just rereading my old threads (after suggesting someone else did the same, and realising how sanctimonious it sounded, so having a taste of my own medicine).

Recently had my 1 year sober birthday - me and other half went for steak and chips.

We have moved, and rarely go back to the old (nicer) pubs - but mostly because OH doesn't like wasting drinking time travelling; has been banned from my car for being a loutish drunk passenger; and he kept getting off the train at the wrong stop. So he goes to the less-nice pubs here and spends the same amount of time / money and same amount of time telling me about how he's going to cut down.

I sometimes go and visit my old AA group, but love, love, love my new local group (LOADS of ladies which is great, and a fab new sponsor).

I have also started to go to church regularly, which has meant getting to know a whole other lot of new people.

It has been quite aa roller coaster of a year, and one that I will never forget. Thanks again to all those people who supported me early on - even if you told me things that I didn't really want to hear.

ReadyAtLast

Congrats on 1 year sober

Esspee

So pleased things are going well and congratulations on your first 'soberversary'.

jazzfish

Congratulations on 1 year! Sounds like you are doing well!