Butterfly

I can't maintain the boundaries I keep letting him in!!!!! I told him on Monday that I didn't want to see him until Easter Sunday explaining that we both need time. Then he texted me Monday night to say night night xx so I told him no more messages as it wasn't fair to me and at some point he would stop and again I would see him on Easter Sunday! At 12.35am on the Wednesday morning he texted to say I always think of you! For that day I kept any communication about the kids only 1 text. He called on Thursday morning to. Collect my son and usually he beeps his horn and waits outside but he came in with a sleeping bag that my son needs for going away but he didn't have to he could have dropped it in while I was at work! Again I didn't text him that day but he texted me to see about calling for a cuppa on Saturday I said no. Again he called in this morning only this time he brought a recipe for his granny's cake which I had been asking for for months and asked if he wanted him to help me bake it on Sunday. That was me thinking he wants to come home and this is him wanting to spend time with me. So I asked him if he really thought about me and he said yes he worries and misses me and asked if he wanted to come for Sunday dinner. Me both feet in wanting more. He then sent me a text message saying he was sorry he was giving me mixed signals and he shouldn't have told me he misses me but it destroys him when he sees me crying and the hurt he's caused. He said he wants us to spend time together as a family as he wants the kids to feel better! I was so annoyed with myself I walked into this and fell flat on my face. I told him he was giving me mixed messages and it wasn't fair then he said I'm sorry I'm messing you about again I will leave you alone you are better off without me!! I then felt sorry for him and began to tell him how I would always be there for him and I just wanted him then I got the whole I just want to be on my own and drink not every day but on the days I like and that he doesn't want help he said this is the best for both of us and how he never wanted this to happen but it hurts like hell! I have agreed to meet with him tomorrow night so we can talk. I know I shouldn't but I can't not I keep thinking he will tell me he's made a mistake and wants to do whatever it takes for me to forgive him.

I know he's pulling my strings so why can't I resist? I lasted what 2 days of no contact unless about the kids. After tomorrow night I am hoping that for the next 2 weeks that my son is on school holidays I won't see him as he won't need to call round to collect my son. I know that if he calls I'm right back to square 1 seeing him is so difficult and I just want to beg him to come home. I'm not expecting him to give me any answers tomorrow night so why am I going because I want to spend time with him and still hope he will get help and realise the kids and I are more important!!!!

embraced2000

I so understand what you describe. been there. it was a ways into my own recovery that I was finally able to set boundaries and to actually enforce them. it took practice. a lot of practice. it always sounded so simple to set a boundary and others made it seem practical and easy. I was a hard learner. emotions and a broken heart kept getting in the way. be patient with yourself.....you will eventually learn how to set boundaries, when to set them, and how to enforce them.

Fathom

In my experience, boundaries may be simple (those are the best kind I think) but they are rarely easy. From reading stories on SR, I started to understand that others will rarely 100% respect our boundaries even if they agree with them. I had to let go of the notion that anybody other than myself would be responsible for adhering to or enforcing my boundaries. If YOU can't even do it, then you'd better think about the kind of boundary you can stick to.

This is not a judgement. Right now, it seems you haven't beefed pulled around the merry-go-round enough times to be really ready for no contact. It's okay. We are all about progress, not perfection. Just being aware of this cyclical pattern, and your role in it, is progress.

Keep reading and posting. You will find your way.

Peace,
Fathom

honeypig

Confused, I don't know if you've seen either of these threads?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

I think that, as fathom said, practice is key in making your boundaries stick, and time is essential in "getting it" for real. Our brains can "know" and "understand", but it can take a while to really, really feel what we know and know it down in our bones...

Keep on trying--as long as you re-set the boundary one more time than you allow it to be broken, you're on the right track, I think.

AnvilheadII

i think you are still confused on HOW boundaries WORK. you can ASK that he NOT text you....but you can't make him hold to that. what you can do is IF he texts is DELETE it right away and DO NOT RESPOND. as it is you continued to engage....YOU did not honor your boundary.

you would do well to give yourself a timeframe of X amount of time, where you do not and will not engage in any type of discussion/argument/pleading/coo'ing with him. as you have children that gets more challenging. if you have set days and times when he gets the kids, then you hold fast to those...and if you do not want him IN the house, you LOCK the door. YOU have to be your own enforcer here....and you need some time and distance so that you can begin to think clearly....you are both playing the Come Here, Go Away game...both looking over your shoulder to see if the other is chasing you down.

quite simply, stop it! LOL no more games.

dandylion

Confused---looking back over the background posts---it is small wonder that you don't have emotional backlash from this wild rollercoaster ride.

It looks, (to me), like a cruel cat-and-mouse game with really high stakes!

Surely, you are fresh into the grieving process--thus, the painful longing that you describe. It takes time to grieve over the loss of many years of the dream of the happy family minus addiction. This, alone, is a lot to cope with!

Every time he swings by dangling the "carrot" in front of you---it is like tearing the scab off of the wound---one m ore time.

***Don't expect the drinking alcoholic to care about someone else's needs, first. The are so entwined in the cocoon of their own feelings that they don't appreciate what they are doing to other people****

Is this fair? Hel* no! But, it is going to fall on you to figure out a way to detach from him enough to keep from re-injuring yourself every time he wants to "squeek".

His sweet words are not accompanied by loving behaviors. Strive to see his words for what they are--the whining of an alcoholic who is not willing to seek recovery. A person who is still trying to find a way to drink--and still retain his cake.

Babe---you have got to get off this roller coaster.

I know it is NOT easy..not without pain....but, it is short-term pain for long-term gain.

Keep posting and seeking all the help you can get. We will walk with you--you are not alone. Many of us have been in your exact shoes.

dandylion

bird13

That was a great post, thank you dandylion. glad i read this thread.

theuncertainty

It was so important for me to remember to NOT pay attention to AXH's words when there was no actions to support them.

I really like this definition of 'sweet nothings': insubstantial or romantic words that are only meant to flatter, woo, or seduce.

As in they don't mean anything; they're empty words.

Recovering2

Nothing changes if Nothing changes. Boundaries are not for him, they are for you. He can text and call and drop by all day every day. The Alcoholic will not respect boundaries, they just won't. The issue is what do YOU do when he disrespects your boundary? Just because he sends a text, you don't have to reply. You don't have to take the phone call. If you take a call because of your kids, and he veers off to talk about other things, you can cut the conversation off. If he shows up at your door, doesn't mean you give him access. Unfortunately, YOU are the one who has to do the work to take care of your health. The A can not be expected to care about anything besides keeping the status quo.

Butterfly

I know I have to maintain the boundaries but that's the problem when he says sweet things and says he wants to spend time with me I get swept up in what he is saying because I want it so much. It is one month today since he left and I suppose I am expecting too much of myself as I am still very early stages of recovery and trying to figure out who I am and where I belong as I have been so lost for so long. I am defined by my alcoholic husband. He may say he loves me and wants to be with me but he is still drinking most nights. I have realised that although I want him to get support only he can do it and his actions tell me that he doesn't

I will keep trying again and again with the boundaries until I get it right!

fourmaggie

i dont understand...why are you setting boundaries? when YOU are breaking them?...
only YOU can choose the out come...

and this is what A's do if they can break boundaries they will....its part of it...WAKE UP!

Recovering2

I understand that lingering hope Confused, I really do. I understand wanting it to be better, and hoping he means those sweet words. This disease and the damage it does to those we love sucks.
It takes practice, practice, practice to learn to detach with love and set boundaries. But each time you stick with your head and not your heart...and keep a boundary...it gets easier. His words right now are just words, nothing more. The A wants to keep the status quo, and will say or do anything to get you back in the game with them. When you feel yourself taking those words to heart, remember that this is a sick person talking to you.