hellomrx

Long story short, when i was 20 (i am now 22) i fell inlove ..he was inlove with me and i was inlove with him... And then, everything changed. i found out the whole time we were together...he was a drug addict. it was heroin.

i found out the same time as his family so they sent him to rehab. I stood by him, but he relapsed.. so I broke up with him and decided to move interstate to get away from this messy situation. It hurt me so bad to leave him like that but i had to do it.. he was bringing me down... what a big mistake because moving interstate killed me. i missed him every single day. so i returned and tried to get back with him but he refused.

I've been sleeping with him ever since i came back.

Recently our r/ship has become quite intimate...
I'll admit i sort of push him to make us "official" (i do not enjoy the non-tittle r/ships)

He told me he won't make anything official because:
1 Everybody from rehab told him not to get back with me because apparently i am a trigger......
2. he doesn't want to be in a relationship.. he said he is not ready.
3. he always brings up the fact that i broke up with him. he said i really broke his heart.

so... i am quite an understanding person. i was sorta OK with not being official.. we would sleep and see each other as long as no other people were invovlved.


Yesterday I unlocked his phone and found out he has been trying to have sex with random girls! he even posted an add online, send a picture of his d*** to a random girl and has been tryign to pick up girls. LOTS OF THEM from online!!!
I was so shocked... because he is so gentle and i had always thought "ONE" girl was enough for him.


anyway i was pretty damn PISSED OFF about this whole situation. WHY would u want to sleep with random girls? I mean, if he wants to do it.. im not going to stop him... just don't expect to have me.. AND other girls

I confronted him about it, i was firm.. but not too harsh because i don't want to trigger a relapse (he's sensitive..)

He made up a lot of pretty damn ridiculous excuses. and denied his intentions to sleep with other girls, apparently just seeing if these online sex buddies work HAH. PLEASE!!

Now hes messaging me that he misses me and had "intended" to officially ask me out. he said he's sorry blablabla...


SO THE QUESTION IS
Is he acting like this because of the recovery? i mean.. all his recovery friends are sleeping with other multiple females so.. perhaps this is a sign of a relapse... ? Can his recovery struggle justify his promiscuous actions.. ?

OR,
is he just a really **** person? player. Sleeze-bag? Is this the real him...?

Or...... am i the problem...?

I will appreciate any response. please help me..

PLEASE REPLY!!! =(

cynical one

He's showing you who he is...believe him!

If a relationship has to be kept secret, we shouldn't be in it.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. But, if you're really honest with yourself you KNOW you deserve better.

Take the use of drugs out of it. Is this acceptable behavior?

Vale

Please listen to Cynical.

FeelingGreat

hi hello, firstly this isn't recovery related. Sometimes you'll get a person who doesn't want any relationships while they concentrate on their recovery, but in his case he seems to want multiple sex partners. As for sending a photo of his privates to a random woman...really? Is this what you want from a relationship?
I would interpret his refusing to make you his girlfriend as a sign he wants to play the field. At least you know the real reason now. Would you ever be able to relax now, or would you be constantly checking his phone?
Please muster up your strength and move on.

Ann

Sadly, this is often the beginning and the end of the story, the rest is just more pain until you figure out why you accept unacceptable behaviour when you deserve so much better than all this.

It's not a "relationship" unless both people are bringing something good to the table, ready to share their love and their lives and where trust and joy abounds. Anything less than that is just sex and will leave you disappointed if you expect more.

I am sorry you are hurting and glad you found us. Maybe work on healing and setting boundaries on what is and is not okay in your life, because you deserve happiness and love in a healthy relationship not leftovers from someone who continues to display bad behaviour associated with drug use...even if he is not using.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

i vote for sleezebag.

you are worth SO much more than just someone to have sex with - IN SECRET. you are so young....you thought you knew this guy, you thought it was LOVE - but he was using the entire time and thus was not capable of presenting his REAL self to you. and even now, supposedly in recovery, he's treating you like crap.

you deserve better. but me saying that isn't the point...you BELIEVING it is.

YearForMe

If I could only convey one thing to the beautiful young women of this world.....

Choose wisely.....

It really is THAT important. YOU are THAT important.

And for a little comic relief....but oh so true....

in the Bible, Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.

While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives; Broke-az, Poor-az, Lying-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Downlow-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Good-for-nothing-az, Lazy-az, Crazy-az or Married-az and especially his THIRD cousin Beating-yo-az. PLEASE...wait on your BOAZ and make sure he RESPECT yo AZ

atalose

He was using (lying to you) the entire time you were in love with him, so you need to ask who was the person you loved? An addict playing a con game on you to hide his drug use, brining you down with him!

So you moved away from the wreck to recover yourself but struggled with that so it was easier to go back and get your "fix"(addicted to him). But he didn’t really want you there. And to boot you had to be a secret, just like his drug use had to be when you first met him.

This guy is treating you like crap, lies, sneaky and now manipulates your emotions. NOW he says he wants you to be his GF, something you’ve dreamed of hearing from him for a long time.

But the reality is not a dream……….this is real life and it’s a nigh mare where all your emotions are enmeshed around a drug addict – maybe recovering maybe not a person you really don’t know because he’s done nothing but lie to you from day one. So what you seem to hold onto is your fantasy life who wish to have with him if only he would___________________.

He is and has been showing you exactly who he is and how he is, is this the type of person you want to wrap your life around?

Trust your gut, trust what your mind is telling you and try and believe you deserve so much better then what he could possible ever offer to you.

ChloeRose63

So sad. You are both so your young and just beginning to live. I don't have any advice but, I hope the good people of SR can offer you some wisdom to get through to you. Wish you well. It is time to grow and sometimes that means letting go so new possibilities can happen. You are in my prayers. Blesseings, CR

Doctorwho737

This.

Perhaps guys has issues way beyond drugs but you are young and deserve better..run away and find a man who wants to give you what you want.

I know my last ex who I still talk to and want to save so badly from her self destruction has pushed me and another 'good guy' she loved away to stay with an ass who recently made her walk to a gas station while she had staples in her leg from surgery because "he was too tired" and asked for sexual favors for himself for Valentine's and got her notta...

So get out before it turns more toxic and you wind up in a hole...sorry to hear that but there are better people out there.

Vale

......a Dad's advice:


You deserve better.
Don't READ it.........BELIEVE it!

We 'teach' people how to treat us.
If we allow them to treat us like garbage----that is what
they do.

I'm 'gonna go out on a limb here and will probably earn a
fusillade of retaliatory fire for this-----but so many times
ladies are SOOOO desperate to be "in a relationship" that
they will do virtually ANYTHING to be able to say...

"somebody wants me".

Trust me, my young friend. Sometimes it is FAR, FAR
better to be alone! Don't be a throwaway sex toy for someone
who treats you horribly.

Yogagurl

It's about your own self worth and what how you allow yourself to be treated based on this level of self worth. Society has changed the way we court, date, carry romantic relationships so much. So, sometimes it's difficult to establish where to draw lines, based on what is socially acceptable today.

Having said all of the above and reading what you stated in your post, here's my opinion (will be stated with facts):

1. He's a recovering heroin addict who just got out of treatment - sex? That's something to do to keep the endorphins running.
2. He is not supposed to be pursuing relationships based on the fact he needs to focus on a recovery program - 1:1 with you takes away from the time he needs to focus on his own recovery
3. He is actively seeking out sexual partners, besides you - this means you can contract any of the diseases he picks up in his promiscuity if you are not very careful, assuming you are OK with being one of many he beds (or is trying to bed)
4. You are 22 y/o and are in love with a very recently active heroin addict - have you read the statistics about heroin addiction and relapse?
5. What would your daddy say? This fella - is he walking down the isle material? Is he kids, mortgage, and retirement material? My guess is no. So, if you can get your head around the idea that this isn't a long haul kind of thing, you might be able to better accept it's not worth the emotional roller coaster that comes from seeing someone who is keeping his relationship with you a secret and is a confirmed heroin addict. No contact is the best road to take here - IMHO.
6. He's sending girls pictures of his penis. Um, I don't even know how to respond to that. He's a loser.

CodeJob

Hello. One of my work friends lost her son to heroin. She has met all of these "girlfriends" he had. It just popped out of her mouth at the 2 year mark of his death -"I think he might have been a gigolo." Well I never knew him but he was an addict and he was beautiful. Chances are she might be right. But imagine yourself showing up at this guy's funeral and you are just one of many. One of many that he hurt and probably promised the moon to.

LvWrAM123

He might not be using heroin right now, but I'm not sure it looks like he's in recovery. What is he doing to work his recovery right now? It is not uncommon for addictions to escalate or for cross-addiction to happen. The addict is looking for a "high" in the form of a dopamine rush/feel good chemical rush in the brain. Like by hunting down sex online and then "scoring" it. Similar to the old hunt and then use of the drug. The addict has to really learn how addiction affects the brain and how their behavior affects their brain. They have to be willing to give up all these addictions, and work their recovery program all the time, every day, to keep their behavior in check. Rehab is not recovery, and recovery is dependent on continued involvement in a recovery program.

I'm not sure this this is a healthy situation for you to stay in right now...

hellomrx

Hi everybody... i just want to thank you all for responding. I will definitely take in everything you all had to say. I haven't told any of my friends and family that he is a recovering heroin addict ..nor do they know i am seeing him. So I can't really turn to them for advice.

I am thankful for this forum I really appreciate the time you have all taken to respond.. I am so sorry for the pain, lies, guilt, manipulation you have all had to endure during your loved ones addiction/recovery. My heart sinks when I read posts by strangers because I have also experienced this...

There is no way I will put up with him if he seeks to see other girls..
Whilst we were seeing each other, I clearly told him if he wants to see other girls, I am walking out the door. So he decided to do it behind my back.. sigh.

I feel like my heart is broken all over again. I'm just finding it so hard to leave him because ..well he's my first love. i can't see myself with anyone else but him (what a lucky guy he is huh!)..

I also saw him again the other day and he told me he loved me. Told me he only wants me and doesn't want other girls. He wishes to make us "official".

My heart was jumping for joy to hear those words, but my head was telling me not to believe him. Again, it's hard to decide what to do because I believe that he has the potential to grow into a successful mature man. I don't want to bump into him in the future and see him happily living the recovery life with his wife and feel the deep hit of regret "that could have been me, but i gave up on him."

The same day i went to see him, he reluctantly told me he felt like using which is why his brothers where sleeping over his house.. i DO believe that he wants to stay sober. He says everyday is a struggle, he says he is a soldier out on the battlefield.. haha it's kind of really cute.

AH at the same time, i know that I should just leave.. :''(

Your responses have really helped me.
Thank you all once again,
All the best..

YearForMe

It is never ever ever a good idea to pick a guy based on what you "think" his future potential could be.

If it were his potential...he would already be exhibiting it now.

He will not be happy and in recovery with his new wife whilst you are thinking "that could have been me"

Not gonna happen.....I will bet the farm on it.

There is nothing....I repeat....nothing CUTE about struggling in sobriety and recovery.
His description of being a soldier on the battlefield is a very raw and real description for an addict struggling with this awful disease.

chicory

Hellomrx,

I strongly believe that often we know the truth, before we admit it to ourselves.

Its a pretty good indicator that you know that this guy is not right for you, when you do not share the fact that you have been seeing him, with your family or friends. If you can be honest with yourself, ask yourself why you are hiding this.

If you have to hide it from everyone, it surely must be wrong, do you agree? And that is YOU, saying that he is NOT right for you.

Listen to your gut. That is why you have gut feelings- for protection and guidance.



Just yesterday he was sending pictures of his privates to other girls. Do not forget that. That is not going to stop. I would bet within a few days, you will see it happen again... take a few days to watch. if you pull away, he will pull you close, but then, push you away again. You are sort of like insurance to him, that he does not have to do without, if his picture does not get him any new dates.

I am sorry, but if you were my daughter, I would be begging you to see that you are being treated like a disposable doll. so what if he calls you his girl... does that mean he is all of a sudden different and stable? no, he is manipulating you.
take care, and take time to think about all of this. whats the hurry?

KeepinItReal

I know it's painful to break up with your first love. Add 10 years, stuff stolen, loss of respect of family and friends, rehabs, relapse, being stressed, broke, kids, the only responsible one.... Is that cute?? and still in love??

Is him "trying" and struggling heroic or is it a serious lifelong illness that will forever be there? If you want to bet on the future check out the other wives of heroin addicts lives. It's not cute. It's difficult, emotional and very un-pretty.

Once an addict.... Always an addict. Forever.

Firefall

Run! and don't look back! Addicts are masters of deceit. There is always an excuse why they do what they do. You need to want better and you do deserve better. You say you are 22 do you want to be fighting this battle at 32, 52, etc?

Find your destiny. Run to the path that leads to your future.

bookreader

I know I haven't done the quote from another post accurately..


"If it were his potential...he would already be exhibiting it now."

His potential? How on earth can an addict, an active addict, can show us their potential? My son has great skills, intelligence, and common courtesy, but when in active addiction nothing is there.
there is potential, but not at that time.