Loosing my mind......
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Loosing my mind......
Hey all,
Here I am venting again, maybe its another pity party, I don't know. My A has now been officially missing since Friday night, never in my 14 years of being with him has he disappeared for this long especially when telling me he was coming home (even though he knew I was mad). I was actually okay Sunday, okay Monday by going to therapist and filing a missing persons report. I went to a meeting, it made me feel better. But today, today at work I had the crying jags. The thoughts of him being dead or hurt some where is making me loose my mind. The not knowing is killing me, ripping my insides out. I want to be strong and focus on me but how can I do that when this worry and wonder are constantly nagging at my brain. I just can't stand it. I've been praying, I keep hoping he is okay but the longer it has been, the worse I feel.
Thanks for listening, I think I just need a good cry. Lord, I hope it makes me feel better but I don't see that happening.
Take care.
Love,
Debbie <img border="0" alt="[Pi Cry]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/pi_cry.gif" />
Here I am venting again, maybe its another pity party, I don't know. My A has now been officially missing since Friday night, never in my 14 years of being with him has he disappeared for this long especially when telling me he was coming home (even though he knew I was mad). I was actually okay Sunday, okay Monday by going to therapist and filing a missing persons report. I went to a meeting, it made me feel better. But today, today at work I had the crying jags. The thoughts of him being dead or hurt some where is making me loose my mind. The not knowing is killing me, ripping my insides out. I want to be strong and focus on me but how can I do that when this worry and wonder are constantly nagging at my brain. I just can't stand it. I've been praying, I keep hoping he is okay but the longer it has been, the worse I feel.
Thanks for listening, I think I just need a good cry. Lord, I hope it makes me feel better but I don't see that happening.
Take care.
Love,
Debbie <img border="0" alt="[Pi Cry]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/pi_cry.gif" />
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
(((((((((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry that this is happening too you.. but it sounds as if you are taking all the right steps... You seem to be a very strong woman... and I give you a big pat on the back for that... I think the tears are perfectly normal... Try and find something to do... anything.. to keep your mind on something else... Don't keep yourself upset.. try to stay focused... and remember we are all here for you... Hugs and lots of Love... Clowie <img border="0" alt="[Thumb]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/thumb.gif" />
I'm sorry that this is happening too you.. but it sounds as if you are taking all the right steps... You seem to be a very strong woman... and I give you a big pat on the back for that... I think the tears are perfectly normal... Try and find something to do... anything.. to keep your mind on something else... Don't keep yourself upset.. try to stay focused... and remember we are all here for you... Hugs and lots of Love... Clowie <img border="0" alt="[Thumb]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/thumb.gif" />
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Barbiedeb
Sorry that it's such a difficult time for you. You really are powerless over where or how he is right now, but it doesn't mean you are helpless.
The best thing you can do is have your cry, and then do something, anything to take your mind off it for now. Obsessing doesn't help - I know because I am the Queen Obsessor.
Call a friend, or someone from your meeting and go for a walk, or sit under the trees, or make fudge
, but something that will change your focus just a little. Read a book or magazine, watch "The View" on TV, and let God handle the rest.
We are our own worst enemies for letting the stress wipe us out. You are a terrific lady and a lot stronger than you think right now. Fight back.
And keep venting here if it helps, just don't keep it inside or you will implode.
Hugs
Sorry that it's such a difficult time for you. You really are powerless over where or how he is right now, but it doesn't mean you are helpless.
The best thing you can do is have your cry, and then do something, anything to take your mind off it for now. Obsessing doesn't help - I know because I am the Queen Obsessor.
Call a friend, or someone from your meeting and go for a walk, or sit under the trees, or make fudge
, but something that will change your focus just a little. Read a book or magazine, watch "The View" on TV, and let God handle the rest.We are our own worst enemies for letting the stress wipe us out. You are a terrific lady and a lot stronger than you think right now. Fight back.
And keep venting here if it helps, just don't keep it inside or you will implode.
Hugs
Guest
Posts: n/a
Debbie,
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I would feel the same if I were you. Don't you know even one of his friends you could call for information?
What about the girl who was involved with your rent money last time. It is so hard to sit and feel so powerless. Have you checked the hospitals?
I am so sorry you are going through this, and keeping busy and keeping your mind off of it is so hard. Maybe if you just stayed on the board and read a lot of the old posts, it might help.
Is there anyone that can come and stay with you? We are here with you. You're not alone. Try to think positive. Don't think of the worst case senerio.
Maybe he just went out of town with a friend and isn't calling because he feels guilty for going. There are hundreds of possibilities.
Hugs Debbie,
MG
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I would feel the same if I were you. Don't you know even one of his friends you could call for information?
What about the girl who was involved with your rent money last time. It is so hard to sit and feel so powerless. Have you checked the hospitals?
I am so sorry you are going through this, and keeping busy and keeping your mind off of it is so hard. Maybe if you just stayed on the board and read a lot of the old posts, it might help.
Is there anyone that can come and stay with you? We are here with you. You're not alone. Try to think positive. Don't think of the worst case senerio.
Maybe he just went out of town with a friend and isn't calling because he feels guilty for going. There are hundreds of possibilities.
Hugs Debbie,
MG
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi all,
Thanks for all the comforting replies. I am a little better now.
I laid down on the bed with my guys and listened to the rain and promptly fell asleep for a little bit. I just ate a litte and now I am here. Reading and not obsessing so much.
There really isn't any one to call, all his friends are addicts and they all lie. As for the hospitals, I wouldn't know where to begin and I am not sure if I can bring myself to do that. It took all the energy I had to file the missing persons report. I tell myself he must be in his full blown addiction stage, hitting bottom and I will hear from him when the drugs and money are gone. It still hurts though.
Anyway, I may do some step reading (thanks to Ann <img border="0" alt="[angel]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/angel2.gif" /> ) and watch a little tv.
Again, thank you all for being there. It helps alot.
Love,
Debbie
Thanks for all the comforting replies. I am a little better now.
I laid down on the bed with my guys and listened to the rain and promptly fell asleep for a little bit. I just ate a litte and now I am here. Reading and not obsessing so much.
There really isn't any one to call, all his friends are addicts and they all lie. As for the hospitals, I wouldn't know where to begin and I am not sure if I can bring myself to do that. It took all the energy I had to file the missing persons report. I tell myself he must be in his full blown addiction stage, hitting bottom and I will hear from him when the drugs and money are gone. It still hurts though.
Anyway, I may do some step reading (thanks to Ann <img border="0" alt="[angel]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/angel2.gif" /> ) and watch a little tv.
Again, thank you all for being there. It helps alot.
Love,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Southern KY
Posts: 53
hey debbie,
i just wanted to tell you im sorry you are going through this. you are not alone.
my husband and i were living in different states, he was supposely getting 'better'. i had to have surgery and at that point in my life, i just missed him so much, so it was a good excuse for him to come for a visit. he was going to take care of our daughter while i was in the hospital and then take care of me. he came up on the thurs before my surgery. everything was fine, i had surgery mon, came home tues. he had to go get her from the babysitter(who watched her while he picked me up from the hospital) well my dumb ass gave him the money to pay her, and guess what???he took off with it, never even went to get our daughter. so here i am the day after surgery driving 30 min one way to get her. i expected him to come slithering home eventually. but he never did.for almost a week, i took care of a 2yr old and my healing self with no help cuz i was to ashamed to tell my family. they had all offered to take care of us so he didnt have to come up, but i told them it would be alright. i know you can imagine how i felt. i thought surely he was dead. he wouldnt leave me in that situation, and surely he didnt go home to ky without his tools and clothes he brought with him. so finally i called my mom, frantic, thinking he was dead. i had called all his old 'friends', the hospitals, the jail. we filed a missing persons, and then she convinced me to call his sister. what did she say? oh i just talked to him today, he answered the phone when i called our parents in ky.
i just cant believe the power of these drugs.
anyway, didnt mean to ramble about myself. try not to worry. hes a big boy. im sure he can take care of himself. try to stay strong and believe that his HP will take care of him. everything happens for a reason, we just dont always know what the reason is....
HUGS~
krazee
i just wanted to tell you im sorry you are going through this. you are not alone.
my husband and i were living in different states, he was supposely getting 'better'. i had to have surgery and at that point in my life, i just missed him so much, so it was a good excuse for him to come for a visit. he was going to take care of our daughter while i was in the hospital and then take care of me. he came up on the thurs before my surgery. everything was fine, i had surgery mon, came home tues. he had to go get her from the babysitter(who watched her while he picked me up from the hospital) well my dumb ass gave him the money to pay her, and guess what???he took off with it, never even went to get our daughter. so here i am the day after surgery driving 30 min one way to get her. i expected him to come slithering home eventually. but he never did.for almost a week, i took care of a 2yr old and my healing self with no help cuz i was to ashamed to tell my family. they had all offered to take care of us so he didnt have to come up, but i told them it would be alright. i know you can imagine how i felt. i thought surely he was dead. he wouldnt leave me in that situation, and surely he didnt go home to ky without his tools and clothes he brought with him. so finally i called my mom, frantic, thinking he was dead. i had called all his old 'friends', the hospitals, the jail. we filed a missing persons, and then she convinced me to call his sister. what did she say? oh i just talked to him today, he answered the phone when i called our parents in ky.
i just cant believe the power of these drugs.
anyway, didnt mean to ramble about myself. try not to worry. hes a big boy. im sure he can take care of himself. try to stay strong and believe that his HP will take care of him. everything happens for a reason, we just dont always know what the reason is....
HUGS~
krazee
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hey Krazee, I sure do know what you went thru, its nuts, just plain nuts. I am sorry you had to go thru it, I am sorry I am going thru it. I hope you are right. That his HP is looking out for him and this is happening for a reason. I certainly can't imagine why I would need this pain but I guess I will grow from it.
Hey MG, thanks for letting me know you will be here. Not sure how I will sleep since I had the nap. My doctor put me on some medication - effexorxr, and it might me helping some. Hard to tell since I just started it. Maybe it will stop the anxiety so I sleep better who knows. I've been sleeping but waking up alot. You may see me here
I talked to my sister and was crying yet again. She's been crying and not sleeping also. Its been affecting everyone.
Oh well, I guess I will lay down again. Might as well give it a shot (sleep). I may be back
Thanks again all.
Love,
Debbie
Hey MG, thanks for letting me know you will be here. Not sure how I will sleep since I had the nap. My doctor put me on some medication - effexorxr, and it might me helping some. Hard to tell since I just started it. Maybe it will stop the anxiety so I sleep better who knows. I've been sleeping but waking up alot. You may see me here
I talked to my sister and was crying yet again. She's been crying and not sleeping also. Its been affecting everyone.
Oh well, I guess I will lay down again. Might as well give it a shot (sleep). I may be back
Thanks again all.
Love,
Debbie
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Posts: n/a
Debbie,
I'm not familiar with your medication, but I do know they usually take two weeks to start working and up to six weeks for full effect, and can sometimes cause increased anxiety until they kick in.
It wouldn't hurt to get an extra session with your therapist while going through this. Walking the dogs would be good for stress too.
MG
I'm not familiar with your medication, but I do know they usually take two weeks to start working and up to six weeks for full effect, and can sometimes cause increased anxiety until they kick in.
It wouldn't hurt to get an extra session with your therapist while going through this. Walking the dogs would be good for stress too.
MG
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hey MG
Maybe that is my problem because I haven't been taking the medication that long. It annoys me that I even have to take it. But the doctor assured me is wasn't addictive, it was mild and it would help. The thought of any alcohol or drugs makes me ill anymore.
I did receive a phone call from a young man that my A was in the hospital with and he is very worried about him so he told me, he is going to make some calls and do some serious leg work. Him doing this has eased my mind a bit. This guy knows all the "drug places" , "shelters", etc. because he has been there. I told him all I need to know is that he is alive and okay. That is all I care about.
The other thing is that my A had me convinced his drug of choice was alcohol. I find out his true drug of choice is cocaine and he's been shooting it. How stupid could I have been in that regard? I always wondered why he had so many scratches and he would blame it on the dog but this fellow just told me how they make it look like a scratch. I am really, really stupid. I am getting angry again, for the lies and for my own stupidity.
Oh well, thanks for letting me vent yet again. Needed to get that out.
I am going to try yet again, to get some sleep.
Take care.
Love,
Debbie
Maybe that is my problem because I haven't been taking the medication that long. It annoys me that I even have to take it. But the doctor assured me is wasn't addictive, it was mild and it would help. The thought of any alcohol or drugs makes me ill anymore.
I did receive a phone call from a young man that my A was in the hospital with and he is very worried about him so he told me, he is going to make some calls and do some serious leg work. Him doing this has eased my mind a bit. This guy knows all the "drug places" , "shelters", etc. because he has been there. I told him all I need to know is that he is alive and okay. That is all I care about.
The other thing is that my A had me convinced his drug of choice was alcohol. I find out his true drug of choice is cocaine and he's been shooting it. How stupid could I have been in that regard? I always wondered why he had so many scratches and he would blame it on the dog but this fellow just told me how they make it look like a scratch. I am really, really stupid. I am getting angry again, for the lies and for my own stupidity.
Oh well, thanks for letting me vent yet again. Needed to get that out.
I am going to try yet again, to get some sleep.
Take care.
Love,
Debbie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Barbiedeb
I am lurking late and saw your message. I almost don't know what to say to you. It almost shouldn't matter what his drug of choice is at this point, but it sounds not too good.
The important thing is to look after yourself and get a plan together that will take you off this roller-coaster. I am glad that you have family support. Please do not hide from them. You have nothing to hide from.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs
I am lurking late and saw your message. I almost don't know what to say to you. It almost shouldn't matter what his drug of choice is at this point, but it sounds not too good.
The important thing is to look after yourself and get a plan together that will take you off this roller-coaster. I am glad that you have family support. Please do not hide from them. You have nothing to hide from.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Ann
I suppose the drug of choice doesn't matter but what bothers me is the needle using and my contact with him. My first thought is to get a test done. This is unbelievable to me.
Anyway, I am taking care of me or at least trying to. Its hard but I am determined. I tell myself my emotions are okay but then I tell myself "snap out of it", time to take your mind off of this whole thing.
Thanks for lurking Ann I really am going to try and get some sleep but this board has been like my savior lately. All of you being my helpful angels <img border="0" alt="[angel]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/angel2.gif" />
Good night, take care and see you all tomorrow.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
I suppose the drug of choice doesn't matter but what bothers me is the needle using and my contact with him. My first thought is to get a test done. This is unbelievable to me.
Anyway, I am taking care of me or at least trying to. Its hard but I am determined. I tell myself my emotions are okay but then I tell myself "snap out of it", time to take your mind off of this whole thing.
Thanks for lurking Ann
I really am going to try and get some sleep but this board has been like my savior lately. All of you being my helpful angels <img border="0" alt="[angel]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/angel2.gif" /> Good night, take care and see you all tomorrow.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Posts: n/a
Debbie,
I'm glad at least someone is looking for him for your sake. That should make you feel a little better.
I was thinking of starting some medication myself to help with the PTSD triggers I've been having lately. I think I've braved it through untreated for enough years, but I too hate medication except my hormones. Those are a must and I waited until I couldn't get out of bed to start those. 20 minutes after taking them I felt like a human being again.
Can you imagine what an antidepressant might do for me. Look out world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" />
Sleep well,
MG
I'm glad you're getting tested, I didn't want to mention it when you felt so bad already.
I'm glad at least someone is looking for him for your sake. That should make you feel a little better.
I was thinking of starting some medication myself to help with the PTSD triggers I've been having lately. I think I've braved it through untreated for enough years, but I too hate medication except my hormones. Those are a must and I waited until I couldn't get out of bed to start those. 20 minutes after taking them I felt like a human being again.
Can you imagine what an antidepressant might do for me. Look out world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" />
Sleep well,
MG
I'm glad you're getting tested, I didn't want to mention it when you felt so bad already.
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hey MG
I am back real quick lol You might want to give it shot with the anti-depressant. I hope it can bring me to an even keel, especially all that is going on now.
I am feeling tired to I need to get to bed. Hopefully I will sleep soundly.
Talk to you soon.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
I am back real quick lol You might want to give it shot with the anti-depressant. I hope it can bring me to an even keel, especially all that is going on now.
I am feeling tired to I need to get to bed. Hopefully I will sleep soundly.
Talk to you soon.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Barbiedeb
I was goint to mention the health risks, but decided to save it until morning. Didn't want to give you more to think about tonight.
Get some sleep, lady and tomorrow you can think things through more clearly.
You are holding up well, maybe the medication is working a little. No medication can completely take away the pain of this kind of situation.
Hugs
I was goint to mention the health risks, but decided to save it until morning. Didn't want to give you more to think about tonight.
Get some sleep, lady and tomorrow you can think things through more clearly.
You are holding up well, maybe the medication is working a little. No medication can completely take away the pain of this kind of situation.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Wow... look at all I slept through! This all reminds me of the time we did the "what I would do if I won the lottery" series. I said I would start a foundation to give kick-start loans and grants to anons who need to move away from addicts but are financially strapped. One is so helpless in a situation like this, where they disappear so thoughtlessly and you don't know which end is up. Whatever is wrong, there's not a thing you can do about it. But it would be so much easier to be living across town and NOT KNOW.
(Jon made fun of me. Now why is that a dumb idea?)
(((((((((DEBBIE))))))))) !!!!!
Love,
Smoke
(Jon made fun of me. Now why is that a dumb idea?)
(((((((((DEBBIE))))))))) !!!!!
Love,
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I just wanted to let you know I am checking on you...take care of yourself.
I really am praying that this all turns out to nothing more than him going MIA (which they can do)
Hugs
Paula
I really am praying that this all turns out to nothing more than him going MIA (which they can do)
Hugs
Paula
Member
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Dallas, TX, USA
Posts: 4
Hi Deb,
I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I couldn't count the times my husband has done the same thing to me. Everything in the world goes through your head. I have filed so many missing persons reports, I am sure if he ever was really in trouble the police would just laugh it off. How can these men be so selfish. Is it really the drugs or are we just with selfish men? How can they claim to love us and then pull something like this. What is the problem with just picking up the phone for 1 minute and saying I am still alive. I remember that is all I ever wanted, just a simple phone call to let me know he was still breathing. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember, he is probably just on a binge and will be home when he runs out of money. Take Care of yourself! Hugs, Toni
I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I couldn't count the times my husband has done the same thing to me. Everything in the world goes through your head. I have filed so many missing persons reports, I am sure if he ever was really in trouble the police would just laugh it off. How can these men be so selfish. Is it really the drugs or are we just with selfish men? How can they claim to love us and then pull something like this. What is the problem with just picking up the phone for 1 minute and saying I am still alive. I remember that is all I ever wanted, just a simple phone call to let me know he was still breathing. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember, he is probably just on a binge and will be home when he runs out of money. Take Care of yourself! Hugs, Toni
I used to work here ;)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hey all
Just got home from work and it was not a good day. This whole thing has got a hold of me bad. It is really a good thing that my co-workers are understanding. I think I cried half the day.
But I did make an appointment for the testing, I go to tomorrow night. This is still all unbelievable to me. I kept saying how stupid/naive I was, but my friends kept saying, how would you have known. He is a good liar and obviously a good hider of things. To think the scratches on his arm were always from the dog. I was living with a stranger, it even scares me to think of him coming home since I don't even know who this man is any more. I wish him no harm though and I hope to hear something soon that he is okay. Its still so frustrating.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all again for your thoughts, prayers and hugs. I am okay for now, but very tired from not sleeping well. Hopefully tonight will be better. I will be lurking around.
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
PS Sorry for the whining but it does help
Just got home from work and it was not a good day. This whole thing has got a hold of me bad. It is really a good thing that my co-workers are understanding. I think I cried half the day.
But I did make an appointment for the testing, I go to tomorrow night. This is still all unbelievable to me. I kept saying how stupid/naive I was, but my friends kept saying, how would you have known. He is a good liar and obviously a good hider of things. To think the scratches on his arm were always from the dog. I was living with a stranger, it even scares me to think of him coming home since I don't even know who this man is any more. I wish him no harm though and I hope to hear something soon that he is okay. Its still so frustrating.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all again for your thoughts, prayers and hugs. I am okay for now, but very tired from not sleeping well. Hopefully tonight will be better. I will be lurking around.
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
PS Sorry for the whining but it does help
Guest
Posts: n/a
Debbie,
You're doing so well considering the circumstances. You are not whining. These are real problems you are having. I get on here and vent and I don't think I'm whining.
We all care a lot about you and wait to hear how you're doing. Just keep posting and keep us all informed.
Many Hugs,
MG
You're doing so well considering the circumstances. You are not whining. These are real problems you are having. I get on here and vent and I don't think I'm whining.
We all care a lot about you and wait to hear how you're doing. Just keep posting and keep us all informed.
Many Hugs,
MG
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