My Outlet
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
My Outlet
I found this website probably 6 years ago and posted a few times. Man, I thought things were rough then...little did I know. I need a place to vent. I need a place where I can speak my mind and not be judged...here I am again. I don't even know if anyone will read my rambling statements, and that is ok - at least I am getting them out of my head where they spin and keep me up at night.
I am filled with fear and anxiety every single day of my life. Right now I have 3 major fears, and I KNOW I cannot control any of them!
1. That something will happen to my baby girl.
2. That something will happen to me and she will grow up without a mother.
3. That my husband will unintentionally kill someone else when he is using.
I used to have fear that something will happen to my husband as well. However, with each passing crisis that springs to life in the wake of his addictions...I have prayed for peace. I pray that God's will be done, even if that is not the outcome that I would like.
2013 was the worst year of my life. I lost my mother to cancer and it was brutal. My grandmothers were both seriously ill and my father was facing a major surgery. Two days before my father had surgery, I found my husband of 5 years laying in vomit on our basement couch with a can of duster in his hand. I immediately took my daughter out of the house and I left myself. That started weeks of complete chaos.
My husband and I were not in a good place before this incident. He is an alcoholic, but hadn't had a drink in about 2 years. See, he has a bad pancreas due to his binging and alcohol abuse. He has had multiple bouts of pancreatitis, stents put in his pancreas and bile duct, and developed Type 1 diabetes. If he were to drink again, he would be killing himself. He was not in recovery even though he stopped drinking and he was miserable to be around. He spent most of his time in the basement, and if he wasn't sleeping down there, he was in the guest room. I felt like something was going on, I just couldn't prove anything. I would go to the basement at times and he would be in the office with his door locked. He would not let his cell phone out of his sight, and was the same way about his computer.
Fast forward to May 2013 when I found him with the duster. I took my daughter to his parents house and told them he was sick with the flu and I would be at my dad's helping him recover from surgery - which is what I had to do. The day of my dad's surgery, I got a phone call from jail asking if I would post bail if he was granted it. WHAT??? He had been arrested? They would not tell me anything and my mind was racing. I begged them to tell me if he hurt anyone else. They would not tell me anything. I spent the entire time that my dad was in surgery scouring the internet looking for any information. NOTHING. Thankfully, he didn't hurt anyone, just his car. That event did not stop him abusing computer duster.
I stayed at my dad's. Computer duster is insane!!! He was hallucinating and completely unpredictable. I refused to be a part of it, but I was scared to death that he was going to kill himself. After about a week of using duster, I came over to check on him and he was completely incoherent. I literally thought he had fried his brain. He was standing in complete darkness, his mouth was drawn down to one side, and he had the most vacant look in his eyes. That is when I called 911. He started wailing and moaning and making the most unusual sounds I had ever heard. By the time the paramedics arrived, he had come out of the haze, but was still a mess. He was cooperative, and that is when I found out for the first time that he was abusing opiates. He told the paramedics that he was taking suboxone. I knew he was on Xanax, as he had a prescription for that. They took him to the ER, and that is where I learned from him that he had been taking pain pills. First, it was legitimate since he was having so much pain from his pancreas. But soon, he was going to the streets to get pills, turned to heroin, and then to suboxone.
I wish I could say that he straightened up at that moment, but he didn't. He went to the ER four more times. Once due to falling and cutting his head open. I do not know how, but he had enough sense to call our neighbor and ask for help. The last trip to the ER, we got him to go to rehab. Even through all of this, he had the backing of his company and they were on board with letting him go to rehab.
He was sober for about 8 weeks. On a business trip, he stopped calling me. After looking at our bank account, I could see he was going to the store where he would purchase the duster...I knew he was at it again. But this time he was out of town. Again, I got a call from jail. He bailed himself out and continued to binge on duster. His sponsor decided to go and get him out of the hotel he was in. He owes his sponsor his life! Once again, he busted his head open and had to go to the ER twice.
This time, he lost his job. However, they offered to pay for him to go to treatment. He told me that he hid suboxone before he went to rehab the first time and started using that again. When he ran out, he binged on duster.
He has been sober for almost 6 months. He got a new job. He still has a court date and who knows what will happen with that. It has been a long road. Some people say I am strong and supportive. I don't know if I am strong or stupid. All I know is that I am not ready to give up for the sake of my daughter. It may not work, or we may look back at this season in our life and say "man, that was hard but we beat it."
I am in Al-Anon. I am working on my 4th step. I am trying...but I just can't help my fears.
Which leads me to my 3rd fear: That he will unintentionally kill someone else while using. Every time he leaves this house, I tense up. I know I can't control the outcome, I just have to have faith. Right now he is out of town on business. I just have to let go and let God. Or I will drive myself crazy.
Thanks for letting me get that out!!!
I am filled with fear and anxiety every single day of my life. Right now I have 3 major fears, and I KNOW I cannot control any of them!
1. That something will happen to my baby girl.
2. That something will happen to me and she will grow up without a mother.
3. That my husband will unintentionally kill someone else when he is using.
I used to have fear that something will happen to my husband as well. However, with each passing crisis that springs to life in the wake of his addictions...I have prayed for peace. I pray that God's will be done, even if that is not the outcome that I would like.
2013 was the worst year of my life. I lost my mother to cancer and it was brutal. My grandmothers were both seriously ill and my father was facing a major surgery. Two days before my father had surgery, I found my husband of 5 years laying in vomit on our basement couch with a can of duster in his hand. I immediately took my daughter out of the house and I left myself. That started weeks of complete chaos.
My husband and I were not in a good place before this incident. He is an alcoholic, but hadn't had a drink in about 2 years. See, he has a bad pancreas due to his binging and alcohol abuse. He has had multiple bouts of pancreatitis, stents put in his pancreas and bile duct, and developed Type 1 diabetes. If he were to drink again, he would be killing himself. He was not in recovery even though he stopped drinking and he was miserable to be around. He spent most of his time in the basement, and if he wasn't sleeping down there, he was in the guest room. I felt like something was going on, I just couldn't prove anything. I would go to the basement at times and he would be in the office with his door locked. He would not let his cell phone out of his sight, and was the same way about his computer.
Fast forward to May 2013 when I found him with the duster. I took my daughter to his parents house and told them he was sick with the flu and I would be at my dad's helping him recover from surgery - which is what I had to do. The day of my dad's surgery, I got a phone call from jail asking if I would post bail if he was granted it. WHAT??? He had been arrested? They would not tell me anything and my mind was racing. I begged them to tell me if he hurt anyone else. They would not tell me anything. I spent the entire time that my dad was in surgery scouring the internet looking for any information. NOTHING. Thankfully, he didn't hurt anyone, just his car. That event did not stop him abusing computer duster.
I stayed at my dad's. Computer duster is insane!!! He was hallucinating and completely unpredictable. I refused to be a part of it, but I was scared to death that he was going to kill himself. After about a week of using duster, I came over to check on him and he was completely incoherent. I literally thought he had fried his brain. He was standing in complete darkness, his mouth was drawn down to one side, and he had the most vacant look in his eyes. That is when I called 911. He started wailing and moaning and making the most unusual sounds I had ever heard. By the time the paramedics arrived, he had come out of the haze, but was still a mess. He was cooperative, and that is when I found out for the first time that he was abusing opiates. He told the paramedics that he was taking suboxone. I knew he was on Xanax, as he had a prescription for that. They took him to the ER, and that is where I learned from him that he had been taking pain pills. First, it was legitimate since he was having so much pain from his pancreas. But soon, he was going to the streets to get pills, turned to heroin, and then to suboxone.
I wish I could say that he straightened up at that moment, but he didn't. He went to the ER four more times. Once due to falling and cutting his head open. I do not know how, but he had enough sense to call our neighbor and ask for help. The last trip to the ER, we got him to go to rehab. Even through all of this, he had the backing of his company and they were on board with letting him go to rehab.
He was sober for about 8 weeks. On a business trip, he stopped calling me. After looking at our bank account, I could see he was going to the store where he would purchase the duster...I knew he was at it again. But this time he was out of town. Again, I got a call from jail. He bailed himself out and continued to binge on duster. His sponsor decided to go and get him out of the hotel he was in. He owes his sponsor his life! Once again, he busted his head open and had to go to the ER twice.
This time, he lost his job. However, they offered to pay for him to go to treatment. He told me that he hid suboxone before he went to rehab the first time and started using that again. When he ran out, he binged on duster.
He has been sober for almost 6 months. He got a new job. He still has a court date and who knows what will happen with that. It has been a long road. Some people say I am strong and supportive. I don't know if I am strong or stupid. All I know is that I am not ready to give up for the sake of my daughter. It may not work, or we may look back at this season in our life and say "man, that was hard but we beat it."
I am in Al-Anon. I am working on my 4th step. I am trying...but I just can't help my fears.
Which leads me to my 3rd fear: That he will unintentionally kill someone else while using. Every time he leaves this house, I tense up. I know I can't control the outcome, I just have to have faith. Right now he is out of town on business. I just have to let go and let God. Or I will drive myself crazy.
Thanks for letting me get that out!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
Computer duster is horrible. He abused it like he abused alcohol. It is HIGHLY dangerous as it literally pushes oxygen out of your lungs. It damages other organs as well. It was a way "to turn his brain off" - his words. I honestly do not know how he is still alive. His sponsor told me there were at least 30 cans in his hotel room when he went there and broke the door down to get him out. And it is so easy to get! Walk in a store and spend about $5/can...that is what worries me the most.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
EmJay, you cannot many things, least of all your husband's addiction. You CAN, however, control how you will allow yourself and your daughter to live. You can protect her and yourself by figuring out how to get out of the nightmare in which you are living. You deserve better and your daughter certainly does.
Maybe stick around SR for a while. We can help you and off you support if you do. We cannot if you don't .
Maybe stick around SR for a while. We can help you and off you support if you do. We cannot if you don't .
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