PAINLESS66

Does anyone else have a hard time sitting through either an NA MEETING or an AA meeting? I suffer from P.T.S.D. from Horrible things i saw and did in my travels and from serving many years in some of the roughest prisons these United States had to offer in the 1990's. I get terrible panic attacks to where I cant even focus and cannot hear what the speaker is saying. It does'nt happen at first at all... It takes about ten to fifteen minutes for this to occur and then im either awaiting an explosion to kill everyone or to see so much blood from a prison riot where everyone is stabbing everyone and things like chairs and mop buckets are being smashed over heads... All i see is a huge blood bath at times and it freaks me out... Plus ill be very honest... I do not like hearing people winning about how mommy didn't love then and daddy loved them too much so they used drugs to escape which in turn destroyed their lives yet after 30 years their still relapsing and still lying and still using... WTF??? My original addiction was handed to me by an Orthopedic surgeon who prescribed me OXYCONTIN like it was literally candy. He would up my doses every visit. At one time I was taking anywhere from 6 to 8 Oxy 80's per day along with 8MG HYDROMORPHONE AKA DILAUDID for breakthrough pain to kill the pain in 2 shattered legs and a broken back in 17 places... my medical addiction to me and this is only my opinion puts me in a different class of addicts even though a user is a user is a user. The few... The proud... The addicted... I WAS NEVER A STREET USER OF HEROIN UNTIL MANY YEARS AFTER THE SURGERIES so im no saint...Addiction is addiction is addiction i keep hearing this over and over so my eyes are a little more open and I am the same as other addict only i will one day be a success story for others to follow and very possibly will share my story on a speaking type effort after my book is finished. Im writing a book called THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY. Its the story of my life starting out as a Drug dealers lookout with a tiny drum for a major heroin dealer named Jesus who i honestly thought was Jesus Christ. He had the same face we see in publications and paintings of Jesus Christ and he even had a tattooed portrait on his arm of Jesus Christ so at 6 years old i was told to bang the drum loudly but only when the black and white police car would pull up at the gate to our Brooklyn 4 family home where my Jesus Christ was bagging up his posions to sell to others like us... sorry for the long winded explanation as to why I cant sit through group meeting but i just need to know if not alone and if anyone has any advice as to how to possibly get over this fear... im going to see a COGNITIVE REGRESSIVE THERAPIST where through hypnosis they take you back in time to let loose a lot of emotional baggage that at times can be life saving. I used to suffer terribly from night terrors but only when using heroin and in the past 24 days i havent had even one that I know of. not saying the stopping of the heroin cured me of that but i do know it had a big problem in it... I just wanna do everything i can and everything that i should have done many years ago right now and stay extremely focused while in recovery... any responses are greatly appreciated,. when I see a response to one of my posts its like a christmas present to a fat little kid on christmas day... the more candy the better. lol... god bless us all that are suffering especially the innocent children born into this disease... have a great day... much love PAINLESS

sugarbear1

my friends who have PTSD among other ailments don't get to a lot of meetings, they seem to have found some positive ones that don't go through a bunch of drunkalogues...they also work with a therapist and some are on meds....

whatever works, do it!

lots of hugs and love to you