Need to deal with a drink driver
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1
Need to deal with a drink driver
Hi all
First post so quick introduction...Based in UK. My father in law is an alcoholic. He has had a drink problem for over 20 years but the past 2 years it has become increasingly worse. He is probably depressed but is not ready to admit it yet. He has some good weeks, but mostly very very bad weeks. Its destroying the family; in particular my mother-in-law who is in a living nightmare but the family are desperately trying to learn how cope with this problem. We only recently came to terms that this is not a quick fix, or there will even ever be a fix at all. My mother in law goes to Al-anon from time to time and my wife along with her two sisters are trying very hard to support both her father and mother. Its all very difficult.
The reason for my post is because we are now at another low point in this situation where my father-in-law is often drink driving. We weren't quite aware of the severity until very recently but he often has difficulty making it from the car to the front door. To me, this is the lowest point in this sorry tale. Having a problem with alcohol and all it brings on the family is one thing, but putting the general public at risk with this behavior is unacceptable. We have tried talking to my father-in-law but he is not co-operating and to put it bluntly he cannot be trusted. We therefore accept it is our responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen. My wife took his car keys off him 2 days ago. This hasn’t gone down well to say the least and has caused everyone involved utter heartache. My father-in-law is very manipulative and is good at getting a reaction. Today he has threatened to leave my mother-in-law as well as blaming my wife saying that her actions is putting this stress on him to make him do this. So far my wife is standing firm but I do not know how long this can continue. My mother-in-law is not strong enough right now to keep the car on the drive and the keys off him so in my opinion the car or his license needs to go.
So here is my question.. what to do?! Does anyone have experience with this?
Is there a way to report him to the DVLA so his license is taken off him?
I do not want to go to the police unless it is absolutely necessary as I fear this will put too much strain on my mother-in-law dealing with the fall out, however I won’t rule it out if this is what has to be done to avoid anyone getting hurt or even killed.
Thanks all in advance
First post so quick introduction...Based in UK. My father in law is an alcoholic. He has had a drink problem for over 20 years but the past 2 years it has become increasingly worse. He is probably depressed but is not ready to admit it yet. He has some good weeks, but mostly very very bad weeks. Its destroying the family; in particular my mother-in-law who is in a living nightmare but the family are desperately trying to learn how cope with this problem. We only recently came to terms that this is not a quick fix, or there will even ever be a fix at all. My mother in law goes to Al-anon from time to time and my wife along with her two sisters are trying very hard to support both her father and mother. Its all very difficult.
The reason for my post is because we are now at another low point in this situation where my father-in-law is often drink driving. We weren't quite aware of the severity until very recently but he often has difficulty making it from the car to the front door. To me, this is the lowest point in this sorry tale. Having a problem with alcohol and all it brings on the family is one thing, but putting the general public at risk with this behavior is unacceptable. We have tried talking to my father-in-law but he is not co-operating and to put it bluntly he cannot be trusted. We therefore accept it is our responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen. My wife took his car keys off him 2 days ago. This hasn’t gone down well to say the least and has caused everyone involved utter heartache. My father-in-law is very manipulative and is good at getting a reaction. Today he has threatened to leave my mother-in-law as well as blaming my wife saying that her actions is putting this stress on him to make him do this. So far my wife is standing firm but I do not know how long this can continue. My mother-in-law is not strong enough right now to keep the car on the drive and the keys off him so in my opinion the car or his license needs to go.
So here is my question.. what to do?! Does anyone have experience with this?
Is there a way to report him to the DVLA so his license is taken off him?
I do not want to go to the police unless it is absolutely necessary as I fear this will put too much strain on my mother-in-law dealing with the fall out, however I won’t rule it out if this is what has to be done to avoid anyone getting hurt or even killed.
Thanks all in advance
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you should rethink calling the police. What if he kills someone else and you have not told the police? It may be the only thing that saves his life or someone elses. Your mother in law is going to have a completely different kind of fallout in that he will either die or kill someone else like this, I would think dealing with the police would be much better than that.
Good Luck.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You can't control him and eventually this stand-off will become untenable. Every time he drives drunk, call the police. Let him suffer the natural consequences of his choices. That you're nudging the consequences along, well, that's public safety.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Florence 
You can't control him and eventually this stand-off will become untenable. Every time he drives drunk, call the police. Let him suffer the natural consequences of his choices. That you're nudging the consequences along, well, that's public safety.
You can't protect him from the consequences of his own decisions & this is a progressive disease. What you are seeing now will certaily get worse (hard as it is to imagine).... so how long can you continue to throw yourselves in the middle of situations in order to protect MIL? All you are really accomplishing is delaying it until it's impossible to manage or ignore any longer... and exhausting yourselves & your resources in the process.
Best of luck - it's definitely not an easy situation.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi whattodo, if your FIL is a long-term alcoholic there's probably some dementia going on there as well. You're right to be concerned about public safety, because they can do a lot of damage.
My suggestion is that you actually go to your local police station and discuss the whole thing with them. They might go around and talk to him, or there may be a process where they can get him tested. If he does drink/drive, ask the police about the best way to report him and get him picked up.
You say he's not ready for help yet, and protecting him from the consequences of his actions will keep him from getting help.
Does he pose any sort of threat to his wife? Does he verbally abuse her? Or are they just used to the idea that he's the boss? You may have to provide a temporary refuge for her if he gets too bad. Is she prepared to stand her ground if he does threaten to leave? Because that would give her a break, and as long as he can't drive, might shock him into treatment.
It's great that you're all banding together to support your MIL, and beyond that please get together to work out how you can not enable his behaviour in any way, or he won't feel the need to get help.
My suggestion is that you actually go to your local police station and discuss the whole thing with them. They might go around and talk to him, or there may be a process where they can get him tested. If he does drink/drive, ask the police about the best way to report him and get him picked up.
You say he's not ready for help yet, and protecting him from the consequences of his actions will keep him from getting help.
Does he pose any sort of threat to his wife? Does he verbally abuse her? Or are they just used to the idea that he's the boss? You may have to provide a temporary refuge for her if he gets too bad. Is she prepared to stand her ground if he does threaten to leave? Because that would give her a break, and as long as he can't drive, might shock him into treatment.
It's great that you're all banding together to support your MIL, and beyond that please get together to work out how you can not enable his behaviour in any way, or he won't feel the need to get help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I agree with FeelingGreat. I made a great many phone calls to the non-emergency number at the police station asking for advice. I think they would be happy to assist with preventing yet another drunk driving death.
It's a hard call to make, because you feel protective of the alcoholic even though you are probably furious with him. And of course protective of his wife. But as hopeful said -- if he were to kill someone driving drunk, your MIL would be in for a whole different set of consequences... financial, social, etc.
It's a hard call to make, because you feel protective of the alcoholic even though you are probably furious with him. And of course protective of his wife. But as hopeful said -- if he were to kill someone driving drunk, your MIL would be in for a whole different set of consequences... financial, social, etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Hello. Sorry for ur situation. I'm uk too and my STBXAH has just had his license revoked due to alcohol dep. tbh I'm pleased as was v worried about him driving my children or hurting anyone else as well. It's a huge risk and I also know its a tough call to make but you can call the police anon and give them all his details and they will randomly check him. It's called a screening call. Good luck and best wishes. IMO you've got very little option as the risks are so huge. One friend said to me when I expressed concern re STBXAH that there are lots of bad drivers out there. My reaction? No need to put my daughters in the car with a drunk one. Terrifying.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
I'm sorry that you are being put in such a difficult situation but I agree with the others who have suggested that you call the police. He is putting innocent lives at risk with his selfish and unreasonable behavior and needs to be stopped.
I have a simple suggestion.... DISABLE the car! Pull the ignition coil wire and take it!
If he is drunk he wont be able to figure it out....
I have a simple suggestion.... DISABLE the car! Pull the ignition coil wire and take it!
If he is drunk he wont be able to figure it out....
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
My wife called the police on me when I became a danger to myself and those around me. The police would rather prevent a disaster than clean up after one, and a little talk from the authorities might prove helpful.
☀️⛳️
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by whattodo1000
Hi all
First post so quick introduction...Based in UK. My father in law is an alcoholic. He has had a drink problem for over 20 years but the past 2 years it has become increasingly worse. He is probably depressed but is not ready to admit it yet. He has some good weeks, but mostly very very bad weeks. Its destroying the family; in particular my mother-in-law who is in a living nightmare but the family are desperately trying to learn how cope with this problem. We only recently came to terms that this is not a quick fix, or there will even ever be a fix at all. My mother in law goes to Al-anon from time to time and my wife along with her two sisters are trying very hard to support both her father and mother. Its all very difficult.
The reason for my post is because we are now at another low point in this situation where my father-in-law is often drink driving. We weren't quite aware of the severity until very recently but he often has difficulty making it from the car to the front door. To me, this is the lowest point in this sorry tale. Having a problem with alcohol and all it brings on the family is one thing, but putting the general public at risk with this behavior is unacceptable. We have tried talking to my father-in-law but he is not co-operating and to put it bluntly he cannot be trusted. We therefore accept it is our responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen. My wife took his car keys off him 2 days ago. This hasn’t gone down well to say the least and has caused everyone involved utter heartache. My father-in-law is very manipulative and is good at getting a reaction. Today he has threatened to leave my mother-in-law as well as blaming my wife saying that her actions is putting this stress on him to make him do this. So far my wife is standing firm but I do not know how long this can continue. My mother-in-law is not strong enough right now to keep the car on the drive and the keys off him so in my opinion the car or his license needs to go.
So here is my question.. what to do?! Does anyone have experience with this?
Is there a way to report him to the DVLA so his license is taken off him?
I do not want to go to the police unless it is absolutely necessary as I fear this will put too much strain on my mother-in-law dealing with the fall out, however I won’t rule it out if this is what has to be done to avoid anyone getting hurt or even killed.
Thanks all in advance
First post so quick introduction...Based in UK. My father in law is an alcoholic. He has had a drink problem for over 20 years but the past 2 years it has become increasingly worse. He is probably depressed but is not ready to admit it yet. He has some good weeks, but mostly very very bad weeks. Its destroying the family; in particular my mother-in-law who is in a living nightmare but the family are desperately trying to learn how cope with this problem. We only recently came to terms that this is not a quick fix, or there will even ever be a fix at all. My mother in law goes to Al-anon from time to time and my wife along with her two sisters are trying very hard to support both her father and mother. Its all very difficult.
The reason for my post is because we are now at another low point in this situation where my father-in-law is often drink driving. We weren't quite aware of the severity until very recently but he often has difficulty making it from the car to the front door. To me, this is the lowest point in this sorry tale. Having a problem with alcohol and all it brings on the family is one thing, but putting the general public at risk with this behavior is unacceptable. We have tried talking to my father-in-law but he is not co-operating and to put it bluntly he cannot be trusted. We therefore accept it is our responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen. My wife took his car keys off him 2 days ago. This hasn’t gone down well to say the least and has caused everyone involved utter heartache. My father-in-law is very manipulative and is good at getting a reaction. Today he has threatened to leave my mother-in-law as well as blaming my wife saying that her actions is putting this stress on him to make him do this. So far my wife is standing firm but I do not know how long this can continue. My mother-in-law is not strong enough right now to keep the car on the drive and the keys off him so in my opinion the car or his license needs to go.
So here is my question.. what to do?! Does anyone have experience with this?
Is there a way to report him to the DVLA so his license is taken off him?
I do not want to go to the police unless it is absolutely necessary as I fear this will put too much strain on my mother-in-law dealing with the fall out, however I won’t rule it out if this is what has to be done to avoid anyone getting hurt or even killed.
Thanks all in advance
It's a very tough thing to have to do I realise but it's for the benefit of everyone even if your father Inlaw sees it another way.
Best of luck and hope everything turns out for you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
My family intervened on me using a
court order to have me picked up
and taken in for, first a mental
evaluation, then a 28 inhab stay
for 28 days.
I did drink and drive like many,
but it was hittin my lowest of
low and wanting to leave this
world with taking a handful of
pills and not wanting to wake up.
This sent up red flags and definitely
was not normal behavior. It was staying
in a secured rehab away from alcohol
that allowed the seeds of recovery to
be planted in my mind, heart and soul
to then begin to be nurtured with proper
knowledgeable tools and information
about my addiction to begin growing
in a healthier, happier, honest way.
That was 23 yrs ago when family stepped
in to get me help I so desperately needed
at that time in my life. They were doing
for me when I couldn't for myself.
Thank God for the blessing and gift of
a new lease on life in recovery.
court order to have me picked up
and taken in for, first a mental
evaluation, then a 28 inhab stay
for 28 days.
I did drink and drive like many,
but it was hittin my lowest of
low and wanting to leave this
world with taking a handful of
pills and not wanting to wake up.
This sent up red flags and definitely
was not normal behavior. It was staying
in a secured rehab away from alcohol
that allowed the seeds of recovery to
be planted in my mind, heart and soul
to then begin to be nurtured with proper
knowledgeable tools and information
about my addiction to begin growing
in a healthier, happier, honest way.
That was 23 yrs ago when family stepped
in to get me help I so desperately needed
at that time in my life. They were doing
for me when I couldn't for myself.
Thank God for the blessing and gift of
a new lease on life in recovery.
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