sammypatti

My wife says she wants to get sober. I believe her and do everything I can to help her. Unfortunately, for years I did everything I could to help her get them. I thought I was making her happy, I know better now. Its been nearly a week and I know the withdrawal must be horrible. When she says I don't know what she is going through, she is obviously right. I feel so helpless. Im trying to get her to go to a meeting but havent gotten a commitment yet. She has been doing great but I dont know if its healthy to try this alone. I hate not being able to help more. Im a pretth good husband but I dont think I make a great therapist.

edenchai

Sammy, congrats on your wife's choice to try the road to recovery. For that, you must be so proud of her!
when my ABF chose to get clean, there was a lot of hand holding to get him to meetings because he was lethargic, unmotivated, etc. At first it was frustrating because I questioned his want to get clean. But as he started to feel a little better, he got into the swing of attending meetings and I no longer had to gently push.
There is only so much you can do to nudge her before you take the responsibility of her recovery upon yourself, which is not going to be beneficial to either of you. And there could quite honestly be some embarrassment on her side about going to an NA mtg and admitting to a room full of strangers, just by being there, that she's an addict.
I'm sure you have already, but sit down and talk to her. Try and find out why she's noncommittal. Tell her you love her and how proud you are of her but that going to these meetings are important...That she needs to give them a chance and that if she's more comfortable, that you'll go with her. Find a local meeting day & time present it.

I wish there was more advice I could provide, but in the end, these have to ultimately be her choices.

sammypatti

Thanks Eden:
She is worried about admitting to a room full of people. She is really afraid someone might know her. Im proposing a meeting about 20 min away. What you describe is how I expect things to go. I never pushed her to get clean, all her idea. I wanted to but its not an easy subject to bring up. Ill hold her hand. Ill take her or let her go by herself, whatever she needs. She thinks she will be a different person and I wont love her when she is clean. Youre right, we need more talking and I want to make sure she doesnt worry about that anymore. Im sure she can do it.

edenchai

There is a truth that you will see all over this forum. The addict and the addict in recovery are generally two different people. Some of that depending on what she's been using...But there will be a little of that truth in her, too. So I can understand her fears.
Lots of communication, Sammy. Another truth for the addict is that their ego, self worth, etc is bruised and beaten. Some, like with my ABF, there is no ego and self worth at all. It's been stolen from him. So reassurance will be a strong tool for you both as she goes through this.
Hold her hand and get to that meeting...It works if she works it.

sammypatti

Thats great advice. Her ego is basically gone. No self esteem. I can help with that. Meetings and changing the way of life is up to her. But I can do a better job of reassuring her I think. She has managed to be a great wife and mom through all this.

edenchai

Good luck and keep us posted!!
I sent you a private message as well.

hopeful4

Make sure you point out to her if she does know anyone they are there for the same reason! There is no shame in admitting addiction, she should be proud to be reaching out for help. Unfortunately it is something she will have to come to grips with in her own head, they have to want the help themselves.

I encourage you to reach out to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to get the support you deserve also.

YearForMe

Brene' Brown has a video on Tedx about shame.

She says

" if you put shame in a petrie dish and cloud it with secrecy...it grows exponentially....
But, if you put shame in a petrie dish and wash empathy over it....it cannot grow"

Empathy is best described as.....
When you tell your story to someone and they look at you and say "Me too"

So, to me...the best thing is to go where others can say "Me too"

Whether it is Alanon, or here on SR (for us) or an NA meeting for her....
Both places where people can say "Me too".

Brene' also says "Where you find shame...you will often find addiction"

sammypatti

Thanks hopeful, I did tell her that and I dont think she had seen it that way. We have had some really good talks lately. I couldnt be more proud of her. Ive been telling her, a lot. She says she is scared but I notice her smiling a lot more.