Why Doesn't My Stupid Head Get It?
Why Doesn't My Stupid Head Get It?
Am I so afraid of failure that I cannot admit to myself that my AH simply does not love me and probably never did? Why cannot I see that there is no hope and that he will be the same old mean a** with alcohol or without it?
It is still incredible to watch that behavior: fully expected, but still incredibly painful to see. This wiggling of an alcoholic mind, rationalizing, justifying, blaming me (today he told me I sucked the life out of him, that I am a nag and obsessed). So I asked him, why does he want to stay with me anyway, if this is not a life? I did not get a straight answer.
FYI, he only drank once in 5 weeks. Then I reinforced my boundaries. What happened is that another doctor told him that it was ok to drink distilled drinks and that those were not that bad for gout. Well, the doctor meant a shot or two...you know...that tiny little glass. I am absolutely terrified by the amount my AH was able to drink in a couple of days.
He then told me how he has no friends, how he does not go to bars ever (and why would he go to bars when he drinks a brewery every day?), how he only works and works and works...and that he is not able to do what...listen to this one...90% of people does!
His mood is super bad (detach, detach, do not let it affect you...I know), but, I am not supposed to have a conversation with him now? At all? I only get a tinny little "'sup" when he comes home? He told me that that it is going to be like that for the rest of his life: He comes home from work, takes a shower, goes to sleep, goes back to work again.
The last thing I told him was that I am strong enough and that no matter how he behaves, I'll be sticking to the zero-tolerance policy.
So, I guess, I got what I wanted. No alcohol in the house, he is not drinking or hiding stuff behind my back, but will this terror ever change? Don't we all know the answer? It will, only when I leave. Then again, I keep reminding myself: If you have to buy his love, affection, and attention with booze, well, you really do not need love from such a person.
It is still incredible to watch that behavior: fully expected, but still incredibly painful to see. This wiggling of an alcoholic mind, rationalizing, justifying, blaming me (today he told me I sucked the life out of him, that I am a nag and obsessed). So I asked him, why does he want to stay with me anyway, if this is not a life? I did not get a straight answer.
FYI, he only drank once in 5 weeks. Then I reinforced my boundaries. What happened is that another doctor told him that it was ok to drink distilled drinks and that those were not that bad for gout. Well, the doctor meant a shot or two...you know...that tiny little glass. I am absolutely terrified by the amount my AH was able to drink in a couple of days.
He then told me how he has no friends, how he does not go to bars ever (and why would he go to bars when he drinks a brewery every day?), how he only works and works and works...and that he is not able to do what...listen to this one...90% of people does!
His mood is super bad (detach, detach, do not let it affect you...I know), but, I am not supposed to have a conversation with him now? At all? I only get a tinny little "'sup" when he comes home? He told me that that it is going to be like that for the rest of his life: He comes home from work, takes a shower, goes to sleep, goes back to work again.
The last thing I told him was that I am strong enough and that no matter how he behaves, I'll be sticking to the zero-tolerance policy.
So, I guess, I got what I wanted. No alcohol in the house, he is not drinking or hiding stuff behind my back, but will this terror ever change? Don't we all know the answer? It will, only when I leave. Then again, I keep reminding myself: If you have to buy his love, affection, and attention with booze, well, you really do not need love from such a person.
Hi healthyagain, try stay away from absolutes in your mind like he 'never' loved you, or you are a 'failure'. Life is much more complicated than that and you are not defined by his feelings or the fate of your marriage.
He behaviour is passive aggressive at the moment isn't it? He's not drinking, but boy are you going to pay for it. You could try calling him on it, 'you seem stressed lately, what's wrong?'
or put up with it and see if he gets better.
He hasn't embraced recovery for himself if he's blaming you for it. He's putting the responsibility for his actions on you, not himself as a mature man trying to make his life better.
He behaviour is passive aggressive at the moment isn't it? He's not drinking, but boy are you going to pay for it. You could try calling him on it, 'you seem stressed lately, what's wrong?'
or put up with it and see if he gets better.
He hasn't embraced recovery for himself if he's blaming you for it. He's putting the responsibility for his actions on you, not himself as a mature man trying to make his life better.
I agree with Feelinggreat - do not get sucked into trying to figure out if he ever loved you or what not. Deal with today. He is who he is today. Who he was in the past and what your relationship was in the past is behind you.
No, it was not his intention to stop drinking at all. He is not in recovery. It was that his gout got crazy with 3 joints affected at the same time and that he had to stop because of the painkillers. He also must not drink beer at all, which is his personal favorite. But this doctor told him that distilled drinks were OK, so he switched to whiskey (almost a liter in 24 hours after over a month of not drinking).
Now, this was not only his health scare, it was mine too. He was screaming in pain, crawling on his knees only to go to toilet. So, that was it for me. I SHOULD be able to control what is going under MY roof. So I said, or you quit, or we are done. He is not drinking, and yes, he is passive aggressive. We do not talk. We do not have meals together. Now he is the one who decided that he will be making his own food. In the morning, before he leaves, he quickly kisses my head, but without the usual "I love you." I sleep on the sofa, BTW. That bed is way too cold for me. He even told me that from now on, I will have a zombie.
Isn't that cruel?
But I was not mean to him. I did not argue or fight. Just repeated what I had to say. And I do not know how long is he going to play this game. And I keep working on myself. I walk every day for at least half an hour, started writing a journal after 20 years, am looking into meditation, and even bought a sketchbook.
Now, this was not only his health scare, it was mine too. He was screaming in pain, crawling on his knees only to go to toilet. So, that was it for me. I SHOULD be able to control what is going under MY roof. So I said, or you quit, or we are done. He is not drinking, and yes, he is passive aggressive. We do not talk. We do not have meals together. Now he is the one who decided that he will be making his own food. In the morning, before he leaves, he quickly kisses my head, but without the usual "I love you." I sleep on the sofa, BTW. That bed is way too cold for me. He even told me that from now on, I will have a zombie.
Isn't that cruel?
But I was not mean to him. I did not argue or fight. Just repeated what I had to say. And I do not know how long is he going to play this game. And I keep working on myself. I walk every day for at least half an hour, started writing a journal after 20 years, am looking into meditation, and even bought a sketchbook.
No, it was not his intention to stop drinking at all. He is not in recovery. It was that his gout got crazy with 3 joints affected at the same time and that he had to stop because of the painkillers. He also must not drink beer at all, which is his personal favorite. But this doctor told him that distilled drinks were OK, so he switched to whiskey (almost a liter in 24 hours after over a month of not drinking).
Now, this was not only his health scare, it was mine too. He was screaming in pain, crawling on his knees only to go to toilet. So, that was it for me. I SHOULD be able to control what is going under MY roof. So I said, or you quit, or we are done. He is not drinking, and yes, he is passive aggressive. We do not talk. We do not have meals together. Now he is the one who decided that he will be making his own food. In the morning, before he leaves, he quickly kisses my head, but without the usual "I love you." I sleep on the sofa, BTW. That bed is way too cold for me. He even told me that from now on, I will have a zombie.
Isn't that cruel?
But I was not mean to him. I did not argue or fight. Just repeated what I had to say. And I do not know how long is he going to play this game.
And I keep working on myself. I walk every day for at least half an hour, started writing a journal after 20 years, am looking into meditation, and even bought a sketchbook.
Now, this was not only his health scare, it was mine too. He was screaming in pain, crawling on his knees only to go to toilet. So, that was it for me. I SHOULD be able to control what is going under MY roof. So I said, or you quit, or we are done. He is not drinking, and yes, he is passive aggressive. We do not talk. We do not have meals together. Now he is the one who decided that he will be making his own food. In the morning, before he leaves, he quickly kisses my head, but without the usual "I love you." I sleep on the sofa, BTW. That bed is way too cold for me. He even told me that from now on, I will have a zombie.
Isn't that cruel?
But I was not mean to him. I did not argue or fight. Just repeated what I had to say. And I do not know how long is he going to play this game.
And I keep working on myself. I walk every day for at least half an hour, started writing a journal after 20 years, am looking into meditation, and even bought a sketchbook.
Hi healthyagain, seriously, this is abuse. Super size passive aggressive. You'd be tempted to tell him to man up.
Would it be worth seeing a counsellor to work out how to bring the situation to a head? Or even suggest that he move out.
Would it be worth seeing a counsellor to work out how to bring the situation to a head? Or even suggest that he move out.
I suspected so, FeelingGreat. Before, I used to think it was me doing something wrong. But the years brought knowledge, maturity, and strength. He is sooooo obstructing everything. And I come from a different culture and immigrated 5 years ago. Before that, we lived in my country for 3 years. And it has never been perfect, but I thought that he was that way because he just did not quite fit in. Then we moved here, planned to start a family. Same thing. Same passivity, negativity, obstructionism. Never had a kid. Counseling, therapists, AA are all pretty foreign and even scary to me. Where I come from, we simply do not have the idea of being separated. We just divorce, that's it. Cut the ties. And divorce rate is four time lower than in the USA. So, I get super lonely here, and he knows it, but thanks to this forum, I even managed to open up to my sister a few weeks ago and hinted that he had a drinking problem.
And if anyone moves out, that will be me. I would hate living here and be reminded.
And if anyone moves out, that will be me. I would hate living here and be reminded.
this doctor told him that distilled drinks were OK, so he switched to whiskey
Counseling, therapists, AA are all pretty foreign and even scary to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I'm so sorry to hear of you're situation. Many of us on here have been there ourselves, and we know it's frustrating/depressing etc. Putting our hands back in the fire is draining, but the need to believe is so strong. Believe it or not, every word you say to him does get heard, but it only gains relevance to them when the situation calls for it. Just stay strong and sane for your own self, control yourself and your needs. If you're struggling to detach from him, detach from the setting. He must know you're not happy, but neither is he. He thinks only of himself, so try to do the same. Take care x
Thank you all for your encouraging words! I do feel way better today, and yesterday was pretty sweet too. He does his little thing, and I just ignore it. That is the only thing that works. And also, it is good not to ask yourself why he does that to you and analyze it. The point is, he is capable of doing it and once you are aware, you simply know what to do. It becomes an instinct. If there is a neighbor who has an angry dog who always barks at you and is hostile and wants to bite you, are you going to try and pet the doggie? No thanks, not me. Not anymore.
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