The quiet before the storm?

Old 04-09-2014, 04:31 PM
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The quiet before the storm?

The past couple days have been quiet. A few texts from RAH about kids. A week or a month without incidents seems weird. Crisis mode was my life for so long. There is part of me that thinks there could be a crisis but because I left and have been cut off because of the healthy boundaries I made....I will never know the truth because the enablers will swarm in and clean everything up again.
Hum. I guess I am finally fine with that...
The other side of me thinks well maybe he really is on the right path and just be happy for that.... Can people turn off such destruction and clean it up that quickly?
My mind only worries for a few short seconds because I am learning and seeing for the first time in a long time ... The drama I am trying to put behind me just wastes too much energy and there is so much going on. Spring is here and the NEW.
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Old 04-09-2014, 05:55 PM
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I hear you!

I've been trying to grasp hold of the "new reality" in my life since I decided to file for divorce. Is it possible that his drinking is no longer any of my business?????!!!????!?

Well then what, in God's name, am I suppose to obsess on now?????

(As far as people being able to turn off the destruction and clean it up quickly? I kind of doubt it. But, I believe we, ourselves, always heal faster when we choose to be happy for other people. In a way, it sounds to me like that's what you've decided to do. You're right to put the drama behind you. I think I'll join you and put my drama behind me as well. Spring is a great time to start anew.)
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Old 04-09-2014, 06:17 PM
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Letting go vs. wanting to know.

Years of being in the thick of it...it is hard not to wish you could just check on this person who was such a central part of your world and yes you loved. I hope he is well and wish him the best but my senses and knowing our old rhythm feels like I need to check and I need to be there for him....not my job to clean up any more. My over caring meant there was always someone to help him but left me burned out and asking myself what kind of mom would subject her kids to this.

Right now there is quiet so I feel like I can reflect on things. I will resist being sucked into the next round of drama...can I dream that I won't hear about it and can remain oblivious? Not denial just not my life anymore?
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Old 04-09-2014, 06:53 PM
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You sound like you're pretty sure there will be a "next round of drama".

It's so important to use these quiet times wisely. It sounds like that's what you're doing. I found that I was really able to put my husband's last batch of sobriety to good use. It lasted for about six months. I used that peaceful time to work on myself, all the while knowing (in the back of my mind) that it wasn't going to last. When he started drinking again I was ready to move forward. No drama, just calm reality.

But I'm curious, Merry, are you afraid that you'll want to be sucked into the drama? Are you afraid that if you hear about his problems you're going to want to jump in and fix them for him, or are you worried that other people are going to pull you into it?
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:13 PM
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I think I am going to take your guidance and really use the time wisely.

Yes I am concerned I will be pushed and pulled back in.. If that next storm comes

The past -there were a few forces that kept me staying and trying.
Myself the caregiver, do the right thing believe and hope for the good in everyone (forgive give another chance anad repeat)
The pleading and empty promises of my AH
His family's guilt and reassurances if I would just stay and stay positive and not dwell in what happened (even though it was just the week before) the premises of wipe the slate clean each time and me bringing up anything "old" even if it was only a week past was not letting it go or finding forgiveness. This leads to a 4th pressure your faith and questioning your ability to give people second chances ( even if it was actually the 50th)
And then the friends... This time is different...give him a chance. Problem was we hid so many years of it. The one more chance thing was on a boat that had already sailed.

Peace helps, quiet helps...
And I have to stop thinking the worse is coming .. We already made it through that...
I see a lot of people on this board have experienced close calls with the hospital visits and DUIs and blackouts.

Sometimes I am surprised we are even alive. That is what I think will help stop me from getting sucked back in again... And that my little family needs to experience continued peace. It is so new and nice I want to keep it!!!!
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Old 04-10-2014, 05:03 PM
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You sound so centered. I think once one recognizes drama for exactly what it is it becomes easier to deal with.

In my case, it's becoming much easier for me to move forward the more I distinguish his path as his path, and my path as my path. More to the point: My path as My path regardless of his path. In other words. "God bless you, honey. I wish you well, but I'm getting out of this rabbit hole."

It's may be just a bit more of a spiritual detachment than the one usually referred to. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I do think, however, that in wrapping my own head around the necessity of the breakup, the fact that I was unable to save him, the fact that he didn't want me to save him, the fact that my ability to parent my amazing, beautiful, spectacular, gift of a daughter was drowning in the quicksand of his addiction. Made it easier for me to articulate what was going on to others. Once I was clear with myself I could make it clear to others. Maybe this will be the case for you as well.

You already sound like you're clear on the "why's" and "wherefore's". Just try to remember to be good to yourself, and take it one day at a time. Maybe check out Alanon if you haven't already.
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