Help! I have hit my rock bottom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: deep south
Posts: 6
Help! I have hit my rock bottom!
Hello Everyone,
I have been a lurker for a long time and this is my first post. Long story short is that I have been with my AH 10 years (we have lived together all these yrs not legally married and no children together). After all these years I think I am at my rock bottom. The first year we were together was good. Then the physical and horrible verbal and emotional abuse began. I apologize for this post being so long and trying to cover 10 long years. During the first few years together he attempted suicide twice thru pills as well as being jailed for 4 months for DUI. He was facing prison due to a DUI where he side swapped another vehicle and police chased him into a parking lot. After $10,000 to a lawyer and a technicality he got out of that.
Flash forward to 2008 and during an argument he got physical by pushing and throwing shoes and lit cigarettes at me. I called police and on his court date the judge asked me what I wanted and I told her he needed help with the alcoholism. He got court ordered into a 30 day treatment and he stayed sober from Dec 18, 2008 to March 2012. His dad passed away in January 2012 and he was also an abusive alcoholic. Since then he has been drinking almost every day. Beer is his drug of choice. In January 2013 he called me one night crying for help and he called a member of his AA group and that night he went to a 28 day inpatient. I attended their family program and he got out February 14 and started drinking last March and been at it ever since. In October he got very verbally abusive and started spitting in my face. He grabbed my phone and my son called police. He even called his sister who came over and she joined in on the verbal assaults and cursing me. She even threatened to kick me out cause the house was in his dad's name and when he died it went to my husband's mom and she has dementia so his sister is in control of it.
He was ordered to attend a program or go to jail because of that incident. It is called The Peace program that teaches offenders that all forms of abuse is wrong. It is 27 weeks long and he has been going once a week for 6 weeks. He says he is learning a lot but he still blames me and my son anytime the police are called.
Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago and he came home from work drunk and every time he is drunk he sits at the table and closes his eyes while trying to eat. This makes me so angry and I told him to open his eyes. He screamed in a rage and slammed down his plate and it broke. He cursed me and verbally abused me for 30 minutes and then left and went to a strip club. The following Monday I received a text from a woman he met there that night and he was not home. So I pretended to be him and text her back and found out he told her he was off that week and she said to let him know if he wanted to get together. I text back and asked did "we" do anything and her reply was "a little". I asked him and we spent 5 nights him staying at a hotel.
I am so hurt and angry. Last week I had to make an appointment to start seeing a counselor due to primarily his abuse, my codepency, childhood sexual, physical and verbal abuse.
I can't deal with it anymore. I can't eat or sleep and my nerves are all over the place. We are both living under one roof but sleeping separately. He said he was drunk and angry at me and gave her his number. I asked why was that night different as there have been many nights where he had been angry and drunk and just went to bed and I slept on the couch.
I just can't take it. I have an appointment with my counselor Friday and she said he was a dangerous man and we needed to work on my codepency in order to leave.
A tiny part of me loves him but I think I love the "what if he gets sober and I am not around". I still want to hold onto that hope.
However my heart is broken and I am empty inside.
I am sorry for rambling on. I don't know what to do.
I have been a lurker for a long time and this is my first post. Long story short is that I have been with my AH 10 years (we have lived together all these yrs not legally married and no children together). After all these years I think I am at my rock bottom. The first year we were together was good. Then the physical and horrible verbal and emotional abuse began. I apologize for this post being so long and trying to cover 10 long years. During the first few years together he attempted suicide twice thru pills as well as being jailed for 4 months for DUI. He was facing prison due to a DUI where he side swapped another vehicle and police chased him into a parking lot. After $10,000 to a lawyer and a technicality he got out of that.
Flash forward to 2008 and during an argument he got physical by pushing and throwing shoes and lit cigarettes at me. I called police and on his court date the judge asked me what I wanted and I told her he needed help with the alcoholism. He got court ordered into a 30 day treatment and he stayed sober from Dec 18, 2008 to March 2012. His dad passed away in January 2012 and he was also an abusive alcoholic. Since then he has been drinking almost every day. Beer is his drug of choice. In January 2013 he called me one night crying for help and he called a member of his AA group and that night he went to a 28 day inpatient. I attended their family program and he got out February 14 and started drinking last March and been at it ever since. In October he got very verbally abusive and started spitting in my face. He grabbed my phone and my son called police. He even called his sister who came over and she joined in on the verbal assaults and cursing me. She even threatened to kick me out cause the house was in his dad's name and when he died it went to my husband's mom and she has dementia so his sister is in control of it.
He was ordered to attend a program or go to jail because of that incident. It is called The Peace program that teaches offenders that all forms of abuse is wrong. It is 27 weeks long and he has been going once a week for 6 weeks. He says he is learning a lot but he still blames me and my son anytime the police are called.
Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago and he came home from work drunk and every time he is drunk he sits at the table and closes his eyes while trying to eat. This makes me so angry and I told him to open his eyes. He screamed in a rage and slammed down his plate and it broke. He cursed me and verbally abused me for 30 minutes and then left and went to a strip club. The following Monday I received a text from a woman he met there that night and he was not home. So I pretended to be him and text her back and found out he told her he was off that week and she said to let him know if he wanted to get together. I text back and asked did "we" do anything and her reply was "a little". I asked him and we spent 5 nights him staying at a hotel.
I am so hurt and angry. Last week I had to make an appointment to start seeing a counselor due to primarily his abuse, my codepency, childhood sexual, physical and verbal abuse.
I can't deal with it anymore. I can't eat or sleep and my nerves are all over the place. We are both living under one roof but sleeping separately. He said he was drunk and angry at me and gave her his number. I asked why was that night different as there have been many nights where he had been angry and drunk and just went to bed and I slept on the couch.
I just can't take it. I have an appointment with my counselor Friday and she said he was a dangerous man and we needed to work on my codepency in order to leave.
A tiny part of me loves him but I think I love the "what if he gets sober and I am not around". I still want to hold onto that hope.
However my heart is broken and I am empty inside.
I am sorry for rambling on. I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I hope you sort this out, but your life will be lived in utter chaos if u stay as u know and you probably have no idea what it is like to live a peaceful life.
I caused my husband and son utter chaos and ruined their lives. I wish my husband had left me. But we survived it and we are actually both in recovery now.
Sometimes people are addicted to chaos. But there is a more peaceful life out there waiting for you. Let him hit bottom. Maybe he will if you leave.
I caused my husband and son utter chaos and ruined their lives. I wish my husband had left me. But we survived it and we are actually both in recovery now.
Sometimes people are addicted to chaos. But there is a more peaceful life out there waiting for you. Let him hit bottom. Maybe he will if you leave.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Welcome to SR, dolphin. There is a lot of support here. I'm sorry for what you have been living with, but I'm glad you found us. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I hope you are able to find a way to get out of that relationship. It isn't always the alcohol that causes someone to be an abuser. Even if he quit drinking, you would never know if he would pick it up again whenever something happened that he couldn't handle sober. It happened before, right?
I hope you'll come back here and read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good advice and support there.
I hope you'll come back here and read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good advice and support there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Dolphin, you must go take care of yourself. That's going to drive you crazy. I wouldn't worry about him getting sober right now. Seems a bit busy getting drunk. Go and take care. We will be here for you. Blessings.
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Wow, you have sure been through a very stressful life. I hope you can get to see a counselor start to figure out these issues. Have you tried Al-Anon? I am separating from my AH an Al-Anon with a combination of therapy has been a lifesaver. Of course coming here today and get support is awesome too.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am truly sorry for what your going through. Holding onto the person you want him to be will just make you feel more unhappy. You deserve better. I don't mean for this to be harsh but if he hasn't gotten sober before now then he probably won't. I was with my husband 18 years and he left recently so he could drink. They won't stop drinking until they are ready to and want to for themselves
Please look after yourself and seek as much support as possible
Stay strong
Please look after yourself and seek as much support as possible
Stay strong
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by dolphin12 
A tiny part of me loves him but I think I love the "what if he gets sober and I am not around". I still want to hold onto that hope.
You so don't deserve to be treated like this and you need to shout out "NO, NO MORE".
You deserve someone who will treasure you and cherish you and treat you like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome. Feel free to read my posts, I have went through years of what you describe. I encourage you to do just what the counselor says and work through for you.
As I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. He has a serious problem. You cannot control his actions but you can control your reactions and put boundaries in place you can keep for you.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
As I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. He has a serious problem. You cannot control his actions but you can control your reactions and put boundaries in place you can keep for you.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Hi Dolphin, its been about a year since i was last on here, apart from an update. This forum was a godsend to me when i was dealing with the breakup from my xA, i was so low then and couldn't see clearly at all. I had lived for so many years with verbal and emotional abuse that i thought it was normal. When my ex cheated it was apparently all my fault, the drinking was all my fault, infact everything that was wrong in his life seemed to be my fault. I had been merely existing for years, trying to keep him happy with no thought of my own happiness. I hit rock bottom when we split, self esteem was at zero, had a month off work and hardly left the house. Throughout that time his contact kept the control going and the advice here was to go NC, which i did. Slowly i got better, started seeing friends, going out, having fun, relaxing in my own home and enjoying laughing with my daughter. I started to see how badly this man, who claimed to 'worship' me had actually treated me.
The name calling, the fear, the walking on eggshells plus the cheating, non of it were signs of love!
A year on and life is so good, i couldn't have imagined it back then. I am with a man who is healthy and normal for want of a better term. I see my friends regularly and can do what i want when i want with no fear of abuse from him. He is kind, caring and supportive, we laugh together and have fun together, work is good, my daughter is happy and comfortable in her own home, things that many take for granted, but not those of us that have lived with abusive alcoholics. I treasure every day now and am so grateful to be living the life i want and deserve now.
I wanted to pop back here every now and then as the support on here was fantastic for me when i needed it most.
Sending you all hugs x
The name calling, the fear, the walking on eggshells plus the cheating, non of it were signs of love!
A year on and life is so good, i couldn't have imagined it back then. I am with a man who is healthy and normal for want of a better term. I see my friends regularly and can do what i want when i want with no fear of abuse from him. He is kind, caring and supportive, we laugh together and have fun together, work is good, my daughter is happy and comfortable in her own home, things that many take for granted, but not those of us that have lived with abusive alcoholics. I treasure every day now and am so grateful to be living the life i want and deserve now.
I wanted to pop back here every now and then as the support on here was fantastic for me when i needed it most.
Sending you all hugs x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by dolphin12
A tiny part of me loves him but I think I love the "what if he gets sober and I am not around".
This might seem like a wild dream, far out of your reach, right now. I can tell you that many people here have achieved just that, and so can you, dolphin.
I love this particular thread, and there are many, many more stories like these:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
Welcome to SR--I hope you can do a lot of reading here for the education and support you'll find in it, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Good for you for seeing a counselor. Individual therapy has really helped me deal with my childhood issues that kept me in abusive relationships during my adult life.
I also started attending Alanon meetings last October. That's another thing that's been a huge help for me. Do you have access to Alanon meetings where you are?
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
How old is your son? Does he live there with the two of you?
As for worrying about him magically getting better once you leave, odds are slim on that. Though he is blaming you for everything that goes wrong with his life, chances are he would be doing pretty much the same whether or not you are there. My ex used to blame all of his problems on me, so by that logic once I left, all his problems should have gone away with me. Right? They didn't. He's still doing what he was before, except now he has to do his own laundry. (That was his huge complaint about me leaving, whining that he had to clean up after himself, nice huh?) The difference is with me. I'm at peace, happy in my home, safe with my children.
Take care and keep yourself safe. Hugs to you. Glad you posted.
I also started attending Alanon meetings last October. That's another thing that's been a huge help for me. Do you have access to Alanon meetings where you are?
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
How old is your son? Does he live there with the two of you?
As for worrying about him magically getting better once you leave, odds are slim on that. Though he is blaming you for everything that goes wrong with his life, chances are he would be doing pretty much the same whether or not you are there. My ex used to blame all of his problems on me, so by that logic once I left, all his problems should have gone away with me. Right? They didn't. He's still doing what he was before, except now he has to do his own laundry. (That was his huge complaint about me leaving, whining that he had to clean up after himself, nice huh?) The difference is with me. I'm at peace, happy in my home, safe with my children.
Take care and keep yourself safe. Hugs to you. Glad you posted.
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