EmmyG

Feeling depressed this week.

So I've been in my new place for almost two weeks now. AH hasn't drank that I know of since the seizure (when he's drunk, everyone knows it). His mum is still here, I think she's going to stay with him until he has his surgery for the lump on his brain in three weeks (it's not that invasive from what I've been told). Anyway, for the last couple of weeks, things have gone fine with the boys. He's been sober, so he's being helpful and hands-on. The boys spend every night with me at the apartment for consistency and because I took their beds, but he and my mother-in-law have picked them up from school several times, taken them to the park, fed them dinner, bathed them, etc., and then I pick them up. The boys seem happy and they are transitioning well into having "two houses." Not counting on AH to stay this way, though. I know there will be times when he goes on benders and is MIA for two weeks. Fortunately when he is actively drinking, he keeps to himself generally. Although of course right now he has "sworn off" drinking because of the health scares. For now.

Now I'm hitting the hardest part. I find myself torn. Part of me keeps holding out hope that he will get himself together and change, and missing him. The other part can't stand him, and every day realizes more and more that he is NOT the one for me. He was a different person when I met him. He's just not "right" now. He's super stressed 24/7, high strung, and just goes on rants about everything. He is loving and nice to the boys, but toward me his moods swing back/forth. I don't know what affect his whole head issue has had (the doctor told us it could be affecting him a lot), but who really knows until it's taken care of. I'm not giving it too much credit right now.

Anyway, so I really feel like AH is not who I want to spend my life with anymore. Take the drinking/nastiness out of the equation. I am very loving and like to be in good, fun, positive mood. He is not. He's not affectionate, he's not romantic.

But I still feel these feelings of wanting it to "all work out." Why? I know I'm not that old, but the thought of being alone forever makes me sad. I also can't imagine ever dating again or meeting people. I'm 32, and I've gotten myself and the boys into this situation, so I want to give them all of my time and make sure they are okay emotionally. I'm not going to be going out to meet people. I guess I just feel like my chance to have the life I wanted (marriage, kids, house, partner for life), was used up and now it's passed. I am also eating way more than normal right now, which is also depressing. I feel like I'm kind of sabotaging myself. I'm trying to be social - took the kids on a play date last weekend. Going to lunch with an old friend this weekend.

Maybe I should start working out. I need to lose 25 pounds and then I'd probably feel pretty good about myself. I just need to find myself again. Sometimes I struggle reconciling being a mom/being a woman. If that makes sense. I kind of lost my identity in this marriage. And when I'm home, the boys are on me non-stop (of course they are, they miss me during the day).

SparkleKitty

Thanks for posting Emmy. I am currently reading a book right now called "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. In your post you say this: "Maybe I should start working out. I need to lose 25 pounds and then I'd probably feel pretty good about myself."

I have a huge tendency to tie my weight and physical appearance to my self-worth. "If I just looked better then I would be happy." I have had about fifteen years of up and down dieting and I am on the verge of surrendering the war.

The point of the book recommendation, and my post is this: Try not to pour your self-worth into a number on the scale. You are going through an incredibly huge transition, and you are handling it very well. Self-worth comes from an acceptance and appreciation of who you are right now, not who you would be if. If the book is to be believed, learning to love and accept yourself FIRST will pull into line your eating and exercise habits and help you come to your natural weight in a way that doesn't involve shame, deprivation, setting unrealistic goals, or setting yourself up for frustration and failure.

I know you have your hands full right now, but you may want to check this book out. So far I can't get through very many pages without tears of recognition falling all over my Kindle, but it's been very enlightening on an issue so many women seem to deal with.

Mango blast

I agree so much with SparkleKitty! Acceptance of who you are today is very important. You're gaining Awareness. Then comes Acceptance. This step is needed. When you're ready, you'll figure out what Action is next for you.

Is there anything you've been doing truly for yourself that you want to do? Not feeling like you should or have to.

Take baby steps with working on yourself. For me it's been working the 12 steps, Alanon meetings when I can make them, learning more about abuse, etc. What I've slowly been learning is how to change my own behaviors and thinking, then in turn I'm becoming comfortable with myself and the self esteem is improving. It's a journey, not a race with a finish line. The more I learn and implement what feels right to me, the more things change. I fall back from time to time, but now I'm learning how to get back up and keep going.

Give yourself permission to not have the answers. Take one day at a time. When you're not expecting it, clarity will come.

Have you found a good book about abusive relationships? I'm not sure if this one may help you, but I do like how they talk about being a target rather than a victim.

Respect Me Rules

Florence

Regarding looking to him for solace and comfort, when in doubt, don't. Just hang back and observe. You don't have to make any decisions today.

I struggle with this sometimes. But look, I'm a year older than you. We've got, like, fifty years to go in this, sister. I'm about 1 1/2 years separated from my STBXAH and the divorce is near-final. The best advice I can give you at this time in your separation is to get out of your house, to do something for yourself, and to do some soul-filling things outside.

* I could lose close to forty pounds myself, it doesn't keep male attention away from me. Whether I respond to it or not is up to me. It's fun to flirt -- it's been a long time. The men I've been friendly with just want to spend time with a woman who is sharp, who is figuring it out, and who takes care of herself. Nobody's counting calories (even me). IT's a lot different from when I was younger and dating.
* I started biking a couple of years ago. I'm stronger and faster than I've been since I was a teenager. I highly recommend getting family bikes and riding together if you're single parenting. They're cheap as hell on Craigslist. My DS14 rides parallel to me and my DD2 sits in a carrier on my bike. We do tons of exploring the town we live in during good weather.
* I started running a couple of weeks ago. Like, I ran a 5K on a whim on Saturday. It was ridiculous, but I did it and I'm glad I did it. You know who I went with? A bunch of other overweight, thirty-and forty-something moms. Taking the focus off of what I look like and putting it on what my body can DO is really good for my mental health. Very liberating. It opened a lot of doors in my imagination. None of us are ever going to win the beauty olympics, so why play?
* You can and will have all of those things. Just maybe not at once, and maybe not forever. We're not snapshots, we are dynamic people in dynamic lives. **** changes and that's okay.

Fandy

Exercise tends to be an excellent anti-depressant for most women. look better, sleep better, eat better.

something you can do WITH the kids too, everyone can dance in the living room (there is a Wii game for this i think), do some stretches and kicks together.

I do not know your relationship with your husband, except what you post here, but I cannot believe he speaks to you with such degrading terms, screams at you, acts like you are his servant and he treats you worse.

when his mama goes home, who is going to babysit? This is king baby who cannot take care of himself or his own business and apartment. he is lacking social skills and is not a grown up.

What he has in his head (now it's a lump, i thought it was a benign cyst, or a small anuerysm), he was self-medicating with booze as an excuse to keep doing exactly what he wanted to do..keep drinking. I hope you realize that you will feel differently as your stress level drops and you do not keep being subjected to his tantrums.

Mango blast

Emmy,

This is a good reminder for us who have an alcoholic in our lives:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splitting.html

Florence

P.S. I've been a little depressive this week myself, so I've been exercising and sleeping more. You know how to end a bad day? Go to bed.

CodeJob

I struggle with my body. I'm 44. If I was to separate, I've already picked out a person to ask out on a date. Of course I am not ready bc I am chicken shi--and keep trying to save my marriage, but I did send him a FB friend request and he accepted it! Oh, and I want to sleep with Mr. T too - just to do something totally wrong and wild for once.

I too have been focusing on what my body can do instead of beating myself up so much on my weight. I trained for a half marathon this past year and have another one lined up in August with a running friend. I gained weight! But it was great stress relief and friendship! I can almost walk as fast as I run. I've met some grandmas running since I am a snail. They are exceedingly wonderful to power walk along with for a few hundred yards and chat. Just being present and there is half of the battle. I want to be there in the back of the pack just enjoying the day when I get that age too! There aren't many women out there in their 60s and 70s so they MEDAL!

So much of life is just showing up and taking the risk rather than waiting for those skinny jeans to fit again. I've even had a blast at the water parks with DS and just go have fun no matter how self conscious I feel. I slap on a tankini and just go go go. I laugh a lot at water parks. I enjoy watching all the kids, all the noise, and all the cool stuff.

I also ride quite a few roller coasters and just be a kid with DS again. Last year I even went on a few rides that I knew would make me sick and then we sat and took a rest eating a pretzel to settle my stomach and cracking up how green I looked!

Actually I think I look younger because my face is round when I am overweight! Less wrinkles!

I have had a lot of success with My Fitness Pal application for food diary tracking & exercise tracking too. Very simple.

hopeful4

It's quite normal to feel this way I believe. Of course he is doing good, mommy is there taking care of everything!

Please remember that this man had his hands wrapped around your neck. You don't have to be alone forever, but you do deserve the time to find who you are and what YOU want out of life.

Hugs!