Is this unusual?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Is this unusual?
hi ,
This is my first time here, and may be quite long. Just want to know if my situation is common. I'll try and give condensed version of situation. I grew up in household where my father was a pastor of church & mother good Christian wife, 1 older brother. My mother suffered depression most my life and this is what I always believed her behaviour was caused by. Both my parents hit us as children (spare the rod spoil the child etc) but my mother was a specialist in silent treatment , lasting months . Anyway I moved out of home age 17 to train as nurse , relationship with mother always v strained/difficult . 8 yrs ago I found out she has been alcoholic virtually all my life.made discovery when I asked mother if she had any boxes I could use while moving house. Yes she did , then noticed they were all wine delivery boxes. this was my mother who Never Ever had alcohol, alcohol was evil , a sin, generally huge big no no. Confronted her and she admitted she been alcoholic most of my life. then refused to ever discuss it again , saying only 'I don't do that anymore' I had really hard time getting my head round this, feel like my entire life has been a lie, my father says he only knew of one occasion that she was drinking , I don't believe this . I have very little contact with mum, always difficult, will I ever get my head round this? I normally deal with it but I think since it's been Mother's Day here & mum birthday I've just let the situation play on my mind too much. Thanks for listening sorry so rambling
This is my first time here, and may be quite long. Just want to know if my situation is common. I'll try and give condensed version of situation. I grew up in household where my father was a pastor of church & mother good Christian wife, 1 older brother. My mother suffered depression most my life and this is what I always believed her behaviour was caused by. Both my parents hit us as children (spare the rod spoil the child etc) but my mother was a specialist in silent treatment , lasting months . Anyway I moved out of home age 17 to train as nurse , relationship with mother always v strained/difficult . 8 yrs ago I found out she has been alcoholic virtually all my life.made discovery when I asked mother if she had any boxes I could use while moving house. Yes she did , then noticed they were all wine delivery boxes. this was my mother who Never Ever had alcohol, alcohol was evil , a sin, generally huge big no no. Confronted her and she admitted she been alcoholic most of my life. then refused to ever discuss it again , saying only 'I don't do that anymore' I had really hard time getting my head round this, feel like my entire life has been a lie, my father says he only knew of one occasion that she was drinking , I don't believe this . I have very little contact with mum, always difficult, will I ever get my head round this? I normally deal with it but I think since it's been Mother's Day here & mum birthday I've just let the situation play on my mind too much. Thanks for listening sorry so rambling
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome to SR Irishmrs!
Everyone's experience with alcoholism is different yet all the same. I imagine its been a shock to find out your parents were a bit hypocritical in your upbringing to say the least.
I also doubt that your father didn't know what was going on. Alcoholics need codependents and enablers which is most likely the role that your father took on in helping to hide her drinking problem.
Certainly her drinking problem contributed to her behavior when you were growing up - if she battles depression alcohol will only enhance that as it is a depressant. I imagine trying to hide it was exhausting for them both.
I am sorry this happened to you. I think its always shocking to find out our parents are something different than we thought. I have never known someone to have this particular experience, but I have known people to find out years later there was dysfunction in their household they did not know about. We all put our parents on pedestal and to find out they are fallible is a very strange feeling.
Keep reading and posting there is lots of good information here.
Everyone's experience with alcoholism is different yet all the same. I imagine its been a shock to find out your parents were a bit hypocritical in your upbringing to say the least.
I also doubt that your father didn't know what was going on. Alcoholics need codependents and enablers which is most likely the role that your father took on in helping to hide her drinking problem.
Certainly her drinking problem contributed to her behavior when you were growing up - if she battles depression alcohol will only enhance that as it is a depressant. I imagine trying to hide it was exhausting for them both.
I am sorry this happened to you. I think its always shocking to find out our parents are something different than we thought. I have never known someone to have this particular experience, but I have known people to find out years later there was dysfunction in their household they did not know about. We all put our parents on pedestal and to find out they are fallible is a very strange feeling.
Keep reading and posting there is lots of good information here.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome!
Do you relate to any of this? Alcoholism is a disease of protection, denial, and secrets. Living under such an umbrella tends to create certain things.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Do you relate to any of this? Alcoholism is a disease of protection, denial, and secrets. Living under such an umbrella tends to create certain things.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR IrishMrs!
With an adult mind of course you are looking back and wondering how much this hidden issue played into your childhood experiences and feelings of love/acceptance that sound a bit nonexistent from your post above. As for the relationship between your parents, I'd let that alone personally. It has nothing to do with you and you can't fix it. It is likely a marriage full of silent issues.
You might find yourself identifying with Adult Child of Alcoholics. Here is a link to the SR sub section. My parents were not As but the dysfunctional patterns in my family link to alcoholism a bit deeper in the family tree.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
As for long post, I could write a novella some days and there are wonderful people here willing to help me sort out my befuddled head. Do not apologize for lengthy posts whatsoever. We all are here bc we learn from others.
With an adult mind of course you are looking back and wondering how much this hidden issue played into your childhood experiences and feelings of love/acceptance that sound a bit nonexistent from your post above. As for the relationship between your parents, I'd let that alone personally. It has nothing to do with you and you can't fix it. It is likely a marriage full of silent issues.
You might find yourself identifying with Adult Child of Alcoholics. Here is a link to the SR sub section. My parents were not As but the dysfunctional patterns in my family link to alcoholism a bit deeper in the family tree.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
As for long post, I could write a novella some days and there are wonderful people here willing to help me sort out my befuddled head. Do not apologize for lengthy posts whatsoever. We all are here bc we learn from others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for the great replies. Very useful links 
My parents marriage was indeed one with silent issues , they divorced about 20 yrs ago although my mother still manages to blame everything that has happened since then on my father (and me of course ) . Thankfully I have lovely husband, 3 kids & supportive friends to keep me mostly sane! I think just with Mother's Day & her birthday landing in same weekend I let her into my head and had some difficulty getting her out again . Many thanks again
My parents marriage was indeed one with silent issues , they divorced about 20 yrs ago although my mother still manages to blame everything that has happened since then on my father (and me of course ) . Thankfully I have lovely husband, 3 kids & supportive friends to keep me mostly sane! I think just with Mother's Day & her birthday landing in same weekend I let her into my head and had some difficulty getting her out again . Many thanks again
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Alcoholism is the disease of denial, lies, and abuse.
I am so sorry that you endured such a terrible time as a child and into adulthood.
Educating myself about the disease and all that goes with it was very validating and helpful to me. I'm glad you found us here, there is so much info on the forum that was helpful to me , I hope you find it helpful as well.
Using the silent treatment as a way of control is a form of abuse. It can have devastating effects on the one who is being shut out.
Here is a blurb about it I found on the internet.
The Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships/ marriage - how to cope.
I hope you hang around for some support and encouragement.
Take good care, Katie xo
I am so sorry that you endured such a terrible time as a child and into adulthood.
Educating myself about the disease and all that goes with it was very validating and helpful to me. I'm glad you found us here, there is so much info on the forum that was helpful to me , I hope you find it helpful as well.
Using the silent treatment as a way of control is a form of abuse. It can have devastating effects on the one who is being shut out.
Here is a blurb about it I found on the internet.
The Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships/ marriage - how to cope.
I hope you hang around for some support and encouragement.
Take good care, Katie xo
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