Praying

I'm looking for some ESH from moms, especially if you've parented an addict. I know my situation is different, my son is not an addict, but he's lost in his pain and denial...and the counseling ride is SLOW. (Both sons are dealing w emotional/verbal abuse from XAH, now recent discovery of deeper issues one son experienced. He is having PTSD episodes and struggling.)

I understand the serenity prayer, owning only what's mine, and all that, when it related to my H-- an adult. When it comes to my kids who are trying to deal with a situation that was thrust upon them, my boundaries blur and I don't know where to draw them.

However, I know I'm handling this in an unhealthy way because I feel myself drowning worse than in the thick of things with AH. I feel myself owning their emotions... because I wish I could. I want to take what I can from both my sons. I want to fix the world (or run away from it all). I can't stand his PTSD because it pulls me back there too (can't explain how unbearable that feels).

Realistically though, I can't fix it, right? I can't run away either.

Set aside that I'm so broken from all of it an outsider would say-- hon, try fixing yourself first... and maybe do some laundry.

So I know I can't own this, but I also can't bear to step back and watch. Is this similar to what you go through when you learn to lovingly detach from an addicted child? Could I find tools there to help? If so...where?

Thanks for listening.

LoveMeNow

The serenity prayer really helped. Sometimes it takes about 10-20 times before it finally sinks in.

I am sorry you are in such pain. Keeping you and your family in my prayers!!

ETA - Give yourself a hug, you were strong, brave and smart enough to save your kids from any further the abuse and insanity.

L0stH0pe

hi praying..

im so sorry you are dealing with this.. both my dd (10) and i were diagnosed with complex PTSD due to the severed DV we experienced from my XH.

There is no quick fix, and, like you, i often feel myself triggered when trying to help dd deal with her episodes. It is heartbreaking and heart wrenching to watch, we were very lucky that dd was appointed a child psychologist very quickly and she has been working with her for over 4 years now. Some days are better than others. I am still on the waiting list for psychology 4 yrs later..

There are a lot of resources out there to help deal with PTSD, the hardest bit is as you say that it triggers your own flashbacks and that you are then in no state to head off the episode.

DD suffers from severe anger management issues due to the PTSD, something that scares me as to me anger is not a safe emotion.

I dont know how detachment would work with this, i try to be as honest as i can with dd and let her experience and talk through her feelings and validate what i can and negate what is not real.

Therapy has been a godsend and it is worth persevering with it.

hopeful4

My psychiatrist...yes, you heard that right, psychiatrist, advised me of breathing techniques to help along with repeating the entire serenity prayer at least three times a day. Outloud while looking in the mirror. It is different than just saying it, it makes you actually FEEL it. While I expected him to just want me on meds, he actually has not touched any of my meds and just given me other techniques and therapy.

Good Luck and God Bless!

LoveMeNow

Sounds like you have a very wise psychiatrist.

LoveMeNow

Brad Yates has many youtube videos for EFT!! I think tapping is very helpful, when I remember to do it. Sigh, lol

Lovenjoy

Praying - soft, gentle hugs to you and your family. So sorry for the pain. Your post made me think of something I've recently learned and has helped me give my self care more attention.

If I am a mess how can I be there, in a good and healthy way, when someone else really needs me?

My son is an addict and my grand baby needs me. And I can't be a basket case. Which I was and I still have recurring moments which I hope will lessen. So I am learning what self care is for many reasons. One of my most important tools at the moment is the book 'Codependent No More'. I'm still on my first run through and am amazed at what I am learning about myself and how to be there for myself and why that is important to me and everyone who loves me. Detaching doesn't mean not loving or not helping. That was important for me to learn. I am also finding some really supportive alanon meetings and am starting to actually allow my self to make friends there. And I started counseling and he brought up breathing techniques too!

Breath. Slowly….. You are not alone. You will get through this. You will all heal. You are a fantastic mother and I know you will deal with things in the best possible way. Prayers and good thoughts to you and yours…..

Chino

My daughter's addiction began as an adult but she first suffered PTSD in her teens. I have PTSD too. The essence of detachment was the same for me in both instances, in that it wasn't about me.

The funny thing is, her PTSD was less of an issue for me than her addiction. I'm assuming that's because I could relate to experiencing trauma and treating it, and our traumas were not the same nor similar. I started therapy for my PTSD when I was 25.

I knew how to deal with PTSD but not addiction. I feared for her life. I saw her as broken and did everything in my power to fix her. Looking back, fear is what sent me over the edge and into the abyss.

I wish I could hug you, honestly. I think you're already doing a good job in that you recognize what is and is not yours to own. My mother did the opposite with me. She made everything all about her and ended up causing and contributing to my trauma. She continues to pile on. I'm 50 years old and finally healing from all the accumulated devastation.

Lovenjoy

Also another thing my counselor told me first visit that really helped when I felt myself 'drowning'. He said instead of facing all my emotions at once, (which is why I was overcome all the time) pick one emotion, allow myself to really feel it, look at it and only for a short time. Then stop. This really helped me to slowly find some balance. Wishing you peaceful moments on this very difficult part of your journey.